Befuddled
It has been a long time since I've written anything here.
It's funny how fast our intentions change, how we ignore things...
The only thing really on my mind as of late is my mother. We found out some months ago that she has cancer. The unfortunate part is that the typical prognosis for people with her specific cancer is 5-10 years. Once it starts becoming aggressive, outside of the typical radiation/chemo treatments, there isn't much to do.
After maybe 7-8 months from finding out, she has already had her first treatment. I was there with her for that first day. It was a long day, too. 8 hours in total.
I saw many other people in this large area having similar treatments, and what broke my heart was seeing so many of them getting their treatment and being completely alone. I couldn't imagine having to go through that by myself.
It took 3 weeks after the first and only treatment so far for my mom's hair to start falling out. She texted me Christmas Eve and asked me to bring my clippers to my brothers for Christmas day, so I could finish what had started.
I wanted to say no, but it just wasn't an option. It was a very unsettling feeling having to shave my mom's head.
I think it just drives home that she isn't well. Thankfully her spirits seem to have been up about things all along, but mine certainly haven't. And it's only getting worse since Christmas. Seeing her with no hair doesn't bother me one bit, except that the realization of it all is just... there.
I keep going to selfish thoughts. I know she is the one going through the hard stuff, but I keep thinking about how it will affect me, and how it already has. I cannot for one second imagine a world with having any parents. I can't even write this without completely losing my composure.
I just feel like I want to scream sometimes, but I know it won't help.
I just don't know what to do. :(
\T/
It's funny how fast our intentions change, how we ignore things...
The only thing really on my mind as of late is my mother. We found out some months ago that she has cancer. The unfortunate part is that the typical prognosis for people with her specific cancer is 5-10 years. Once it starts becoming aggressive, outside of the typical radiation/chemo treatments, there isn't much to do.
After maybe 7-8 months from finding out, she has already had her first treatment. I was there with her for that first day. It was a long day, too. 8 hours in total.
I saw many other people in this large area having similar treatments, and what broke my heart was seeing so many of them getting their treatment and being completely alone. I couldn't imagine having to go through that by myself.
It took 3 weeks after the first and only treatment so far for my mom's hair to start falling out. She texted me Christmas Eve and asked me to bring my clippers to my brothers for Christmas day, so I could finish what had started.
I wanted to say no, but it just wasn't an option. It was a very unsettling feeling having to shave my mom's head.
I think it just drives home that she isn't well. Thankfully her spirits seem to have been up about things all along, but mine certainly haven't. And it's only getting worse since Christmas. Seeing her with no hair doesn't bother me one bit, except that the realization of it all is just... there.
I keep going to selfish thoughts. I know she is the one going through the hard stuff, but I keep thinking about how it will affect me, and how it already has. I cannot for one second imagine a world with having any parents. I can't even write this without completely losing my composure.
I just feel like I want to scream sometimes, but I know it won't help.
I just don't know what to do. :(
\T/