A new theory of human evolution.
Some scientists in some place somewhere did a study on memory. For a long time, everyone thought humans were the bomb and the only ones with episodic memory, or remembering specific events at specific times. Then a little while ago, we found out that Scrub Jays, motherfucking Scrub Jays, can memorise food storage locations and the time they originally put the food there. We were no longer special.
The scientists decided to go to our cousins, the chimps, to see if they could remember things like humans and Scrub Jays do.
They can't. Chimps are fucking stupid. This means that somewhere after our evolutionary ancestors divereged as a species from chimps, we developed the capacity for episodic memory. The study did have a major flaw, but let's just assume they were still right here.
My theory: A prehistoric chimp took a prehistoric Scrub Jay out for a meal one night. They had a nice time, conversation was flowing, laughs were had, and the chimp, being the decent male he was, picked up the bill. yes, even dessert. He also happened to have a nice car, and, well, you know what happens on the backseat of nice cars.
The bird fell pregnant, and the chimp didn't really want to lose half of his pay for child support, so he ran off and joined some kind of prehistoric chimp circus, changing his name in the process. The bird, disgraced and alone, gave birth to a odd looking chimp that had a wicked memory. She named it Australopithecus afarensis, or Lucy for short, and a new species was born. Little did this poor prehistoric Scrub Jay realise that her illegitimate daughter would lead to a species that would dominate the globe and give rise to such legends as Nelson Mandella, Issac Newton and Charlie Sheen.
I submitted my theory to the Royal Society, and I'm waiting to hear back.
The scientists decided to go to our cousins, the chimps, to see if they could remember things like humans and Scrub Jays do.
They can't. Chimps are fucking stupid. This means that somewhere after our evolutionary ancestors divereged as a species from chimps, we developed the capacity for episodic memory. The study did have a major flaw, but let's just assume they were still right here.
My theory: A prehistoric chimp took a prehistoric Scrub Jay out for a meal one night. They had a nice time, conversation was flowing, laughs were had, and the chimp, being the decent male he was, picked up the bill. yes, even dessert. He also happened to have a nice car, and, well, you know what happens on the backseat of nice cars.
The bird fell pregnant, and the chimp didn't really want to lose half of his pay for child support, so he ran off and joined some kind of prehistoric chimp circus, changing his name in the process. The bird, disgraced and alone, gave birth to a odd looking chimp that had a wicked memory. She named it Australopithecus afarensis, or Lucy for short, and a new species was born. Little did this poor prehistoric Scrub Jay realise that her illegitimate daughter would lead to a species that would dominate the globe and give rise to such legends as Nelson Mandella, Issac Newton and Charlie Sheen.
I submitted my theory to the Royal Society, and I'm waiting to hear back.