Damnit Donna, couldn't you have made it 1hr.... 24hrs is too much :p
stolen from dawna:
question: if you were stuck in a room with all of your exes, old crushes/infatuations, and friends with benefits/fuck buddies for 24 hours, and you can say anything to them without any consquences or repercussions, what would you say to them?
...maybe this should have been a friends-only post, heh. This is more for me to 'say this' - it's pretty long so you won't lose points for NOT reading it :-)
*****
You were my first ever crush. It was more than a crush. My first love? I know we were young, but I hate how my insecurity made it so that nothing ever happened. I liked you. You liked me. I knew that you liked me - and you knew that I knew. You knew that I liked you - and I know that you knew. And nothing happened cuz I was a-fucking-fraid of what people would think/say at school. I have no acceptable excuse for that. I'm sooo sorry I turned you down. I'm sooo sorry that I was afraid and insecure. I'm so sorry that you refused to really talk to me again after all of this. I'm sorry that we lost our friendship... It's been over 14years now and I still wonder "what if?". Not so much that I think about whether we would have stayed together till now (I'm not that naive) but more where I would have been today "with men" if I hadn't pushed you away. If I had dared to show my feelings to the world... You were so sweet and funny and we had the best of times. I'm sorry for making you do all the hard work when we played badminton-double :-)...
I'm sorry.
*****
As the years have gone by I've often wondered how much I liked you and how much I just thought I did. I've always been horrible and recognizing and identifying my own feelings. I'm not sure I ever let myself really fall for you. I wouldn't have known what to do with myself if anything were to happen. I never really admitted to anyone that I liked you and I guess it's sort of been like that since. I almost never admit to anyone when/if I like someone - if I talk about it it becomes more real. If it becomes more real and nothing comes of it - it hurts more. And nothing ever comes of it - because I'm to scared. I really liked you as a friend - and more. I hid how much I liked you under a friendship-cover - I was the one who you talked to about other girls & I listened and gave advise (why do I always do that?). Even if you had liked me then I would still have run away - I would still have been too afraid of what the "others" would say. You didn't want her to begin with ,she knew that - and I'm not sure she even liked you, but she still wanted you or maybe because you didn't want her she wanted you. I think I tried to tell her that. Told her not to play with your feelings. To just let you go, to not pursue anything with you. But she liked the attention and the two of you got together because she decided it. Of course it didn't last cuz she never wanted you in the first place. She never really liked you - you were too weak for her, she could make you do anything *sigh*. I wish she hadn't done that - I wish I hadn't been there to watch. I remember listening to her talking about how she didn't really like/want you soon after you got together. I didn't want the two of you to be together & I didn't want you to get hurt either - I didn't want her to just throw you away when she got bored, which happened soon enough since she never wanted you in the first place (and 6 yrs later she "threw" me away). I didn't want her to play with you, but I never dared to want you for myself either. 3 months after it was over we went to a party - there you got with the other girl instead. That was too much for me, couldn't stay to watch. Couldn't look into her smiling satisfied face. I'm not sure if you really liked her or not. I walked out of there with the two other girls and walked a few kilometres to a nearby public party - drinking big bottles of vodka and juice and getting horribly drunk. Once at the party I ended up kissing some boy - fooling around on the floor at the party, for I'm sure - way too many people to see. I was hurting inside and I couldn't tell you. I couldn't even blame the other girls for despite being my friends - they didn't even know. Because of my feelings for you and my crappy communication skills my first kiss was at the age of 15, being extremely drunk with some guy whose name I never knew and whose face I've never remembered :-/
...and to make it worse, when we came back to school after the weekend 'my story' had already spread despite the party being far away from the school. It was horrible *sigh*... I'm still not sure that you ever knew that happened to me that night.
Two years later I had my chance. We had our chance. I still remember laying on the floor in my room - knewing something would happen that something was about to happen, but being absolutely terrified - thoughts running around my brain way too fast for me to catch up. I couldn't figure out what I felt and what I wanted to happen and what I didn't want to happen. I knew I'd only have a certain amount of time to stop it - then it would be too late. I didn't know if I wanted it, but I didn't have the guts to stop it. When you finally kissed me I let you and I kissed you back - not knowing if my feelings where still there. If my feelings from the years back would come back - if I would let them come back? The kissing went on for a few days I think, but only in the evening and then you left. We never talked about it - I didn't know how. I wish you'd been stronger and forced me to talk about it. My heart was screaming because of you and because of what I had done to someone else. I was in love with someone else - but I let what happened with you happen because I wanted to know if the feelings from two-three years ago were still there. I wanted to know - but it hurt and I felt terrible for what I had done and did for years. I'm not sure how my feelings were for you at that time and I didn't know how to find out. I went to see you once after - and I wasn't sure how to act around you. I don't remember if we kissed? I'm pretty sure we didn't talk about it. I kind of talked to her about it. Her opinion and approval always meant so much to me - too much maybe. You sent me a letter once and I forgot it at her place. I remember her saying that she thought you really liked me. I knew she thought you were weak because she had been able to have her way with you and you couldn't say no. I think I ignored the letter - never replied or commented. I'm sorry. I don't think anything should have happened. It was too late - I should have realized that earlier. I talked to you a few years ago and it sounded like you were doing alright, I'm glad. I'm not sure if you actually have become religious or not - we never met up and now we've lost touch again. I'm not sure of what to say when/if I do see you. I'm not sure what I ever meant to you and if you ever had anyone to talk to about it. I'm sorry if I hurt you. I'm sure for what she did to you too. You didn't deserve any of it.
*****
Oh you thought it would be funny? And you thought it would make me mad? -how is THAT funny? How can you tell me that I am one of your best friends and then do this to me? I really really liked you, but again I refused to admit it. Even when you gave me the chance to fess up - you tried to be a little more brave than me, opened the door a little, gave me a chance ...and then I ran away, as always. I remember thinking "I'll see if anything can happen at the Christmas party" - but then I got sick. Then in the spring we were to have a party in your town and after 8 months of "nothing" I told myself that it was now or never... And then the party got cancelled :-/
I'm sorry I let our opportunity go. I admire you for trying to make a move and I'm sorry for not "getting it" - or for "refusing to get it". But still, I can't believe the way you got together with her. All the conversations you and I had in France - and the conversations I had with her. So much for friendships. I'm so glad that I didn't go to that party and found out the way you wanted me to - because NO it would not have been funny. I'm so glad I met our classmate downtown who told me about you and her so you two wouldn't get the "entertainment" out of telling me yourselves.
Aaaaarrrgghhh, no wonder I dropped out. I wonder if I still would have dropped out if we had got together at some point. How my life would have turned out? Or if we at least just had stayed close - if it would have made a difference? I think I liked you a lot more than I ever admitted to anyone - or even myself. Maybe I dropped out partly because of you. It's scary that my life took such a huge turn, maybe because of you. I heard the two of you broke up a few years ago? I wish I hadn't lost you. I wish she hadn't taken over...
*****
Wow ... you were amazing. You ARE amazing. You came to me when I needed you the most. When my life was falling a part and when I didn't really want to be in school or live at home. You were there. The daily long emails were just what I needed. We got closer and closer. It felt as if no one understood me like you did. No other guy has ever given me flowers (or a flower - I actually still have the rose, it's not laying out in public anymore though, but back in the tube it came in, with the letter) -well Carsten gave me flowers once for my birthday, but they were friendship-flowers, that's different. Actually you did many things for me - you are the first (and only, I think) guy to ever buy me something. You are the first guy for me to admit to that I really liked - and not run away afterwards and cut all communication (that only semi happened later when I kissed someone else and was too ashamed to write or chat with you :-/). I still remember the constant stream of letters coming through my letterbox when I no longer was able to come online. I remember the letter I got in which you admitted that you liked me. I remember sitting in kitchen reading it and my heart beating really fast and smiling (and maybe crying). It went something along the lines of "I know you've said that you cannot/don't want to fall in love with a guy who lives far far away whom you have never met. But I think that I have - well not in a guy, but...." :-) it still makes me smile. You make me smile. I love being a semi-part of your life, even if it's from afar. I don't know if more would ever have happened with us if I hadn't kissed someone else. Would we have met? I remember a card in which it said that you had a surprise and it involved your aunt, you and Denmark or something. For over a year I felt horrible and I wasn't even able to have you as my friend. I ended up moving out from home and dropping out of school and ended up in Leeds. I remember sitting in the computer room at Leeds University (using a friend's password) and reading an email from you - which I'd probably been terrified to open - and it said this one line that changed things. You said "Mette, the only thing I cannot forgive is if you don't forgive yourself". Wow! That's the reason that I dared to let us become friends again. I had to. I cared too much [care too much] to let you go. I'm glad I got that kick and I'm really glad that we are still in each other's lives. It's ok that we don't write 4 page long emails back and forth every day - I don't think any of us could keep up with that anyway :-). I love you. A different kind than 10 years ago but I love you non the less. I know you hate when I (or anyone) say this, but I admire you, am proud of you and I value your opinion. Sometimes I actual wonder/worry if I value your opinion too much. You impress me with what you've done with your life but you also worry me. I know that you are there for me when I should need you and I know that you know that I'm here for you. But often I'm not sure how I can help you or provoke you enough in the direction that you ask. I know you don't want pity. And that's not what I feel - I just sometimes feel lost when it comes to "the right thing to say".
I'm sorry that I was never able to give proper critique on EAN ;-) - I was never really sure what to say, just thought that it was amazing that some guy I had just started talking to would send me something in the mail (and remember finding it a bit weird that you thanked me for giving you my address, as if it was a big deal ...guess this was in the early days before stalking really started, heh).
This December it'll be 10 years - amazing. I can't wait for the next 10 years and I look forward to the day we finally get to meet.
*fooP*
*****
Are you gay?
Not that it really matters - it's mainly just me being curious. The other guys were always very uncomfortable around the gay crowd on Sundays - but not you. At my leaving-party the guys were hitting on you and you didn't seem to mind. I never saw you with any guy though and you never said anything. I guess it doesn't matter. I wish we were still in touch, I wish I knew you better. But it's been many years now so I'm sure it won't happen. I've sent a postcard a couple of times to you via your parents' address but never got a reply. I should take the hint, right? I've always been scared that the drugs would kill you or get out of hand without killing you. I really hope you are alive and doing well. The wedding you took me to was my very first date ever - I guess that's why I still think about you. A lot of things happened to me during my stay in Leeds. I have a picture of you & I on my wall and have had for 6-7 years now [at least I finally removed the one of David & I] -you never treated me badly. Well you took too many pills - but I never got a chance to know you well enough to have any influence on that. I still can't believe that you got me talked into trying E. I fancied you so much - that's my only regret - that I fancied you so much that I did something I would otherwise NEVER have done. Luckily nothing happened. It was a good first date still - for the first hours... when you eventually had too many pills you weren't such great company. Thanks for coming to my 'leaving-party' - not so many people did, it meant a lot to me. I hope to "find" you again one day...
ok - so I suck at this game. If I got 24hrs with him - I probably wouldn't ask if he was alive :p then I'd know... oh well, heh
*****
AAAArrrrrggghhhh you are a fucking liar and a fucking player and I hate how I can't just delete you phonenumber and your email address and erase everything about you in my mind. How dare you! What you did with me and Linda was nasty and you thought you were so fucking smooth, but NO you were NOT! It was worse for Linda - she hadn't seen what was going on, but at least I did. And don't play that hurt-card on me with David. You and I stopped 3 months before David even arrived in England so NO he was not the reason. Don't tell me that people at the Y were laughing at you because of what I had done and left you for someone else. Look in a fucking calendar... Aaarrrggghhh I'm sooo glad I did not have sex with you. I was right in never trusting you, but why the hell do I still fancy you? Aaarrgghhh sometimes I'm not sure I should let you know that I know you are lying to me. Sometimes I'm not sure if you are actually lying or if you are really so fucked up that you remember it all wrong. You didn't even come and say goodbye to me - you lied to Don when I moved out of the Y and you stood me up three times in 4 days when I came back to visit. I can't figure out when you are speaking a bit of truth. I'm not sure what I actually meant to you - or if you know??? I tried to make time for you in Belgium but you stood me up there too when I really didn't have the time and I can't believe you got mad/offended around Christmas cuz I couldn't leave for DM-C with you this summer. What world are you living in???
I know I'm not meant to be the one to save you - but I still wish I knew a fraction of what goes on in your head. I wish I knew what had happened to you before you came to England - why you aren't allowed to cross the border and go back. I wish you weren't such an ass and I wish I didn't want you!
G R O W - U P ! ! !
*****
And then you arrived. All of a sudden there was the tall gorgeous man at work -smiling at me around each corner. Someone to share my Dr. Müller Thick & Creamy Strawberry Yoghurt with. It was 3 months before I was suppose to leave and really not practical - but I guess these things never are. I felt so empty inside when I showed up for work and you weren't there - how could you disapear like that? Had it all been something in my head? How could you leave and not say anything? No one knew anything. I remember the feeling in my stomach when you walked into Berlin's Bar one day to talk to Rob about pay. You didn't expect me to be there but your smile was real too. I remember exchanging numbers and eventually setting agreeing on a date and then all of a sudden constantly bumping in to each other. It all just made the feeling inside stronger - like something would happen - otherwise this wouldn't happen. I remember the first kiss in your doorway - the Thursday you had told me that you were moving to London on the Monday - and our date was for the Sunday. I often think about how much of this you remember? Or if it's just me. I remember the first date - I remember kissing and kissing and kissing at that bar and it felt so nice and so right. A feeling I had never felt before - and yet I knew you were moving the next morning and I was moving 2 months later - was it doomed already then? I remember not wanting you to move. We went back to your place and you introduced me to your flatmates - as your girlfriend. It felt a little weird, but I also liked it. I'd never been someone's girlfriend before [-and I guess I haven't since :-/]. I stayed the night - I remember you getting condoms from your flatmates hehe. None of us knew what we were doing - but I've never regretted it. I've regretted many other things with us since - but never that. It felt right. I'm glad it was with you. It wasn't till after I moved back home I realized how badly we communicated. I guess I've never been good at communicating -HELL NO, what's wrong with me? That was not what I'd tell you when/if you finally agreed to see me again...
What went wrong with us? I wanted you so badly and I believe you wanted me? Why were we both so fucked up? Why after 5 years had we still not learned to talk to each other? What did I do that scared you do much the last time around? Why couldn't you tell me? Why did you meet up with Mette and were able to tell her things that you couldn't tell me? That hurt. Was it suppose to be some kind of Eddie-revenge? If so - then you have NO right to play that card on me, ever - you lost that right when you waited 4 years to tell me why the two of you fell out. And NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO nothing ever happened. I could not do that to you. I told you a white lie though, something could have happened, but I made sure it didn't. I don't think you'd have been better off knowing that. Are you ever gonna believe that nothing happened? Will it matter? Did that even have anything to do with it? How could you bring that up over a year after with someone you didn't know when you had never mentioned it to my face??? Arrrggghhh. What happened? Did you really think I was giving up my entire life to come and live with you? Why weren't we able to talk this through? Why did it go so far? I just wanted a chance. I just wanted the "what if" to go away. I was terrified about moving over too. I was terrified of finding out that you loved me more than I loved you or that I loved you more than you loved me - or that we loved each other just the same... I was terrified of all of it, but the only thing that scared me more - was not finding out. And I never did! Well, I guess I've come to term with the fact that you and I aren't meant to be - but I'm still sad about how it ended, sad that we never got a chance. How much did the children play a role? *sigh*... I know you want them. I do - and you should have them. You'll be a fantastic dad. I could have not told you. I could have hidden it from you - and then two years down the line I could have brought it on. But I didn't - and we never really discussed it. Why were we so useless? I know it was a big deal when you had actually considered a life without children - but I'm not sure I could ever have done that to you. Who knows - maybe I had changed my mind if we had worked out?
I so fucking sad and mad and frustrated that we can't talk now. That we can't communicate. Mainly I'm probably mad that you've never apologized. I'm not saying I was perfect, but what you did you me that summer, what you put me through, how you treated me. That was horrible and I hope you never do that to anyone else. Saying "I'm sorry I'm not a better man" is NOT an apology I can use. It's useless. It just doesn't cut it. You left me stranded. I thought I had my life worked out and you didn't even have the nerve to tell me that you'd chickened out. Useless! And how DARE you not get back to me after the bombings till 2-3 days later, especially with Agnes. Aaarrgghh and then telling Mette that you liked that I cared. If you liked anything you would have told me that you guys were SAFE.
What I want mostly is just to KNOW you... It's been over 7 years since you walked into my life and I've never really gotten to know you. And you don't know me. And yet there's this thing between us... Whatever the reasons you are not talking to me these days then I hope it'll pass. I don't want all contact to end. If it's because you need to be secure in your new relationship first before you bring me back in your life, then I understand. Really. But I do hope to see you again. I wanna see your children one day, I wanna meet your family, I wanna see Agnes again. I want to know that you are ok.... xoxo Ndinokuda - I will always love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore...
*****
Noo Noo No No No - we were never a couple. And we should never have been anything. I hate that I'm so horribly useless at standing up for myself and stopping what I don't want to do. Luckily I always know when to stop before sex :-/. Nothing should have happened. If you would only admit what happened with the Lithuanian girl, but no. I WAS IN THE DAMN ROOM. Ugh... All you had to do was admit it, then we could have moved on. You've never been honest with me. But then again - I don't know if I have been with you? But mainly it was because I didn't know how... How do you break up with someone you are not with? And now you have two kids - with two different woman and the kids are what - almost the same age? I don't understand why the first one ever got back together with you and why the 2nd one married you. And aaaarrrrggghhhh for what mahmoud did to me in Dar es Salaam- some friends you have. I would never take advantage of your friends like that.
*****
Where did you come from?
How did you notice me?
I looked horrible that day. I've never had anyone run 'after me' like that. Everything with you was so surreal. I wish I had been able to get another "play session". I don't know if you got bored cuz I was too scared and insecure or if it was because you weren't able to get in touch with me when my phone broke. Everything was so weird. If you had had a little more patience then I think you could have talked me into almost anything - which is kinda scary I think. But you were sooooooo H O T! Daaaaammnnn *drools* - and those hands - I still wonder what else they can do...
*****
You are such a loser. You are old enough to know that GIRLS TALK TO EACH OTHER. Don't try to get with two girls who are friends, it's NOT cute and they DO find out. And when you know that they know: BACK off!
*****
You are my main regret. I wish you'd never walked into my life. I wish I could say that I wish we never had sex - but I can't. Because if we hadn't then I would have regretted NOT having sex with you. I really just wish I'd never met you. I wish you weren't out that Wednesday and I wish Mette and Carsten hadn't egged me on. I hate that I wanted someone to kiss that badly.
I don't care how much it might have seemed like I wanted you and how much you were "just being a guy" - but I hate that I came to your place that night. I hate that I was so drunk. You know I had told you that I'd stop by after the party if I didn't get too drunk. I drank so much because I wouldn't have dared to come over if I hadn't been drunk. I was too drunk to make any decision regarding what I wanted. You should NOT have had sex with me. Period. No argument. If you had had my best interest at heart or liked me even a little (yeah yeah yeah, I know, you are male. But I actually do know men who can control it) then you would have told me to go to sleep. It wasn't rape. I came to your place volunteerly knowing what I had in mind. Only I wasn't fit to decide that. I feel horrible thinking about it. Mostly I feel horrible about what I don't remember. It's not really that I've ever cried over what happened - I'm not really sad - I'm just fucking mad.
And when I didn't want you afterwards *surprise surprise* - going after my best friend is NOT a clever move. Telling her that it was her you really wanted from the start, the one you saw first etc. is NOT a clever mood when we were BOTH at the club and we BOTH know who your attention was on that night.
I really wish I'd never met you.
*****
You fascinate me. You are absolutely gorgeous - now if you had only been 2-3inches taller, then I'm not sure I could have resisted you, heh. Does that sound shallow? It wasn't your height that made me control myself, it was David. Despite everything he's done to me since then I'm still glad nothing ever happened with us - even though at that moment I'd never wanted anyone anymore than I wanted you. I think you kinda knew that. I was shaking when laying next to you in bed talking. My legs were freezing, butterflies in the stomach and I had to fight so hard to resist you. But I had to. It was the right choice. Maybe if there was no David. And no Audrey. If I had met you first or not in connection with David. But life doesn't work well with "what ifs"..
I don't know what will happen the next time I see you? In a way I know that if anything ever happens then I'll never become friends with David (again). If our chance ever appears then I guess I have a decision to make. First you have to fess up to me about Audrey though, everything from the beginning till today -including the time when I visited. Don't play me. Don't lie to me. I hate how you are so damn smooth and charming that you can kinda get away with it. I don't know if I can ever completely trust you? You've kinda hinted to me that I shoudln't.
You are so cute, so sexy, so charming and soooo funny. I've always had a lot more fun with you than with David. You and I were also better at talking to each other. I don't know if that means anything or if it's just because we've never had "feelings" stuck between us. I know you can be a player. But you can be so much more as well. I love how happy you sound whenever I call you - whether it's been a few months or a year since a previous contact.
I miss you. I wanna sit in your couch with you again - enjoy a long breakfast and watch football all day and talk about life. I wish I could count on you. I wish you'd come visit me. I really hate it when you lie to me and when you let me down. I also hate how I can never be truely mad at you, only *uuggghhh aaaarrgghhh annoyed* because you are so darm charming.
Oh - and I CANNOT believe you lied about your name! Aaarrgggh :p - I still think about you as Eddie, but then as soon as I say it out loud *if talking about you* or in my head if thinking about you then I feel like a right idiot. Where did it come from? So weird. I can't believe you're not Eddie.
I miss you sweetie <3
*****
O M G !
That was the LEAST thing I expected. We never talked about anything like that. Nothing had hinted it. Where did it come from? It was wrong. I know that. But it felt so right - right then. And even now - I don't really feel bad. It's still a good memory to me. A fabulous one even.
I guess it was worse for you - but with what you had, I guess I can't blame you. Even though I was officially single - then I'm pretty sure that if I had told David, him & I would never have happened again. I keep wondering what will happen when we eventually see each other again. Will we both be single? Will it matter (I hope so). Do I want to meet you again while we are still single? I guess that's the tough question... I think I do. But I can't see myself in a relationship with you - but I don't think you could with me either. I do love you though. I love you for who you are and for what you did to me and what you taught me. When we did it - that was the first and only time ever that I've had sex simply because I wanted to and the feeling was too overwhelming to fight it. It was a feeling I wasn't used to it was a feeling I wasn't used to acting upon. It was a powerful summer. I'm glad we were able to talk about it the next day - if we hadn't then I'm not sure we would be friends today or at least not the way we are now. We almost didn't. We almost went to see a stupid movie - remember? Talking it through was soo important to me. I needed to put it all into words because it was all so new to me. You were perfect. The other night too. I hate that it's already been 2½ years. It's crazy how things go. I'll see you again - allahallah. It's something unpredictable and in the end it's right - I sure had the time of my life :-)
*****
I can't write about you just yet. I can't put into words all the thoughts and feelings that springs to mind when I think about you. I don't know what I'd do if I got to actually see you - even if just for 24hrs. But I keep hoping it'll happen. And that I'll think of something to say and not just cry... :-/
Yes - I'm back :-)
Came back 1½ week ehhh a month agoalmost 2 months ago and what can I say? It's good to be back. I [still] haven't unpacked yet, heh and even though it was hard then it's even good to be back at work. And it's really good not to be stressed when I get home from work... I'll write a lot more about that when I get my pictures back (they are on a friend's laptop)...
Ok - so I started this post shortly after I came back, but it proved to take several days (*cough* months) to finish... I kept telling myself that I wouldn't post till it was done... but hey - 3 birthdays and Sean's visit interfered with that. I'll probably still post about Malaysia eventually (I have got my pictures back) and most of you have seen the picture as well since I put it up on LJ and MSN etc. Also Judith - here's the message that I mentioned - heh - I guess I could just delete that now, but hey... No harm done...
Got one though - of me ready to release baby-ninja-turtles
Hope you've all had a fabulous summer...
xoxo
Mette
p.s. JUDITH: WOW... Just as I was taking off I sneaked a peak on my flist and got a preview of what was happening with you. Didn't have time to read it all or to comment - but wow *big hugs* - when away I wasn't able to login (crappy net and only one computer and didnt want others to find my LJ). I'll read up on everything. I love reading everything, just like I did when you were down there. Some of it is a bit hard to take in too - hits too close to home. I'm even jealous/envious - but I'll try not to take it out on you :-) promise. I can't wait to read it all. [I guess I could delete that now since I already told you, but oh well... I still love reading the stories]
question: if you were stuck in a room with all of your exes, old crushes/infatuations, and friends with benefits/fuck buddies for 24 hours, and you can say anything to them without any consquences or repercussions, what would you say to them?
...maybe this should have been a friends-only post, heh. This is more for me to 'say this' - it's pretty long so you won't lose points for NOT reading it :-)
*****
You were my first ever crush. It was more than a crush. My first love? I know we were young, but I hate how my insecurity made it so that nothing ever happened. I liked you. You liked me. I knew that you liked me - and you knew that I knew. You knew that I liked you - and I know that you knew. And nothing happened cuz I was a-fucking-fraid of what people would think/say at school. I have no acceptable excuse for that. I'm sooo sorry I turned you down. I'm sooo sorry that I was afraid and insecure. I'm so sorry that you refused to really talk to me again after all of this. I'm sorry that we lost our friendship... It's been over 14years now and I still wonder "what if?". Not so much that I think about whether we would have stayed together till now (I'm not that naive) but more where I would have been today "with men" if I hadn't pushed you away. If I had dared to show my feelings to the world... You were so sweet and funny and we had the best of times. I'm sorry for making you do all the hard work when we played badminton-double :-)...
I'm sorry.
*****
As the years have gone by I've often wondered how much I liked you and how much I just thought I did. I've always been horrible and recognizing and identifying my own feelings. I'm not sure I ever let myself really fall for you. I wouldn't have known what to do with myself if anything were to happen. I never really admitted to anyone that I liked you and I guess it's sort of been like that since. I almost never admit to anyone when/if I like someone - if I talk about it it becomes more real. If it becomes more real and nothing comes of it - it hurts more. And nothing ever comes of it - because I'm to scared. I really liked you as a friend - and more. I hid how much I liked you under a friendship-cover - I was the one who you talked to about other girls & I listened and gave advise (why do I always do that?). Even if you had liked me then I would still have run away - I would still have been too afraid of what the "others" would say. You didn't want her to begin with ,she knew that - and I'm not sure she even liked you, but she still wanted you or maybe because you didn't want her she wanted you. I think I tried to tell her that. Told her not to play with your feelings. To just let you go, to not pursue anything with you. But she liked the attention and the two of you got together because she decided it. Of course it didn't last cuz she never wanted you in the first place. She never really liked you - you were too weak for her, she could make you do anything *sigh*. I wish she hadn't done that - I wish I hadn't been there to watch. I remember listening to her talking about how she didn't really like/want you soon after you got together. I didn't want the two of you to be together & I didn't want you to get hurt either - I didn't want her to just throw you away when she got bored, which happened soon enough since she never wanted you in the first place (and 6 yrs later she "threw" me away). I didn't want her to play with you, but I never dared to want you for myself either. 3 months after it was over we went to a party - there you got with the other girl instead. That was too much for me, couldn't stay to watch. Couldn't look into her smiling satisfied face. I'm not sure if you really liked her or not. I walked out of there with the two other girls and walked a few kilometres to a nearby public party - drinking big bottles of vodka and juice and getting horribly drunk. Once at the party I ended up kissing some boy - fooling around on the floor at the party, for I'm sure - way too many people to see. I was hurting inside and I couldn't tell you. I couldn't even blame the other girls for despite being my friends - they didn't even know. Because of my feelings for you and my crappy communication skills my first kiss was at the age of 15, being extremely drunk with some guy whose name I never knew and whose face I've never remembered :-/
...and to make it worse, when we came back to school after the weekend 'my story' had already spread despite the party being far away from the school. It was horrible *sigh*... I'm still not sure that you ever knew that happened to me that night.
Two years later I had my chance. We had our chance. I still remember laying on the floor in my room - knewing something would happen that something was about to happen, but being absolutely terrified - thoughts running around my brain way too fast for me to catch up. I couldn't figure out what I felt and what I wanted to happen and what I didn't want to happen. I knew I'd only have a certain amount of time to stop it - then it would be too late. I didn't know if I wanted it, but I didn't have the guts to stop it. When you finally kissed me I let you and I kissed you back - not knowing if my feelings where still there. If my feelings from the years back would come back - if I would let them come back? The kissing went on for a few days I think, but only in the evening and then you left. We never talked about it - I didn't know how. I wish you'd been stronger and forced me to talk about it. My heart was screaming because of you and because of what I had done to someone else. I was in love with someone else - but I let what happened with you happen because I wanted to know if the feelings from two-three years ago were still there. I wanted to know - but it hurt and I felt terrible for what I had done and did for years. I'm not sure how my feelings were for you at that time and I didn't know how to find out. I went to see you once after - and I wasn't sure how to act around you. I don't remember if we kissed? I'm pretty sure we didn't talk about it. I kind of talked to her about it. Her opinion and approval always meant so much to me - too much maybe. You sent me a letter once and I forgot it at her place. I remember her saying that she thought you really liked me. I knew she thought you were weak because she had been able to have her way with you and you couldn't say no. I think I ignored the letter - never replied or commented. I'm sorry. I don't think anything should have happened. It was too late - I should have realized that earlier. I talked to you a few years ago and it sounded like you were doing alright, I'm glad. I'm not sure if you actually have become religious or not - we never met up and now we've lost touch again. I'm not sure of what to say when/if I do see you. I'm not sure what I ever meant to you and if you ever had anyone to talk to about it. I'm sorry if I hurt you. I'm sure for what she did to you too. You didn't deserve any of it.
*****
Oh you thought it would be funny? And you thought it would make me mad? -how is THAT funny? How can you tell me that I am one of your best friends and then do this to me? I really really liked you, but again I refused to admit it. Even when you gave me the chance to fess up - you tried to be a little more brave than me, opened the door a little, gave me a chance ...and then I ran away, as always. I remember thinking "I'll see if anything can happen at the Christmas party" - but then I got sick. Then in the spring we were to have a party in your town and after 8 months of "nothing" I told myself that it was now or never... And then the party got cancelled :-/
I'm sorry I let our opportunity go. I admire you for trying to make a move and I'm sorry for not "getting it" - or for "refusing to get it". But still, I can't believe the way you got together with her. All the conversations you and I had in France - and the conversations I had with her. So much for friendships. I'm so glad that I didn't go to that party and found out the way you wanted me to - because NO it would not have been funny. I'm so glad I met our classmate downtown who told me about you and her so you two wouldn't get the "entertainment" out of telling me yourselves.
Aaaaarrrgghhh, no wonder I dropped out. I wonder if I still would have dropped out if we had got together at some point. How my life would have turned out? Or if we at least just had stayed close - if it would have made a difference? I think I liked you a lot more than I ever admitted to anyone - or even myself. Maybe I dropped out partly because of you. It's scary that my life took such a huge turn, maybe because of you. I heard the two of you broke up a few years ago? I wish I hadn't lost you. I wish she hadn't taken over...
*****
Wow ... you were amazing. You ARE amazing. You came to me when I needed you the most. When my life was falling a part and when I didn't really want to be in school or live at home. You were there. The daily long emails were just what I needed. We got closer and closer. It felt as if no one understood me like you did. No other guy has ever given me flowers (or a flower - I actually still have the rose, it's not laying out in public anymore though, but back in the tube it came in, with the letter) -well Carsten gave me flowers once for my birthday, but they were friendship-flowers, that's different. Actually you did many things for me - you are the first (and only, I think) guy to ever buy me something. You are the first guy for me to admit to that I really liked - and not run away afterwards and cut all communication (that only semi happened later when I kissed someone else and was too ashamed to write or chat with you :-/). I still remember the constant stream of letters coming through my letterbox when I no longer was able to come online. I remember the letter I got in which you admitted that you liked me. I remember sitting in kitchen reading it and my heart beating really fast and smiling (and maybe crying). It went something along the lines of "I know you've said that you cannot/don't want to fall in love with a guy who lives far far away whom you have never met. But I think that I have - well not in a guy, but...." :-) it still makes me smile. You make me smile. I love being a semi-part of your life, even if it's from afar. I don't know if more would ever have happened with us if I hadn't kissed someone else. Would we have met? I remember a card in which it said that you had a surprise and it involved your aunt, you and Denmark or something. For over a year I felt horrible and I wasn't even able to have you as my friend. I ended up moving out from home and dropping out of school and ended up in Leeds. I remember sitting in the computer room at Leeds University (using a friend's password) and reading an email from you - which I'd probably been terrified to open - and it said this one line that changed things. You said "Mette, the only thing I cannot forgive is if you don't forgive yourself". Wow! That's the reason that I dared to let us become friends again. I had to. I cared too much [care too much] to let you go. I'm glad I got that kick and I'm really glad that we are still in each other's lives. It's ok that we don't write 4 page long emails back and forth every day - I don't think any of us could keep up with that anyway :-). I love you. A different kind than 10 years ago but I love you non the less. I know you hate when I (or anyone) say this, but I admire you, am proud of you and I value your opinion. Sometimes I actual wonder/worry if I value your opinion too much. You impress me with what you've done with your life but you also worry me. I know that you are there for me when I should need you and I know that you know that I'm here for you. But often I'm not sure how I can help you or provoke you enough in the direction that you ask. I know you don't want pity. And that's not what I feel - I just sometimes feel lost when it comes to "the right thing to say".
I'm sorry that I was never able to give proper critique on EAN ;-) - I was never really sure what to say, just thought that it was amazing that some guy I had just started talking to would send me something in the mail (and remember finding it a bit weird that you thanked me for giving you my address, as if it was a big deal ...guess this was in the early days before stalking really started, heh).
This December it'll be 10 years - amazing. I can't wait for the next 10 years and I look forward to the day we finally get to meet.
*fooP*
*****
Are you gay?
Not that it really matters - it's mainly just me being curious. The other guys were always very uncomfortable around the gay crowd on Sundays - but not you. At my leaving-party the guys were hitting on you and you didn't seem to mind. I never saw you with any guy though and you never said anything. I guess it doesn't matter. I wish we were still in touch, I wish I knew you better. But it's been many years now so I'm sure it won't happen. I've sent a postcard a couple of times to you via your parents' address but never got a reply. I should take the hint, right? I've always been scared that the drugs would kill you or get out of hand without killing you. I really hope you are alive and doing well. The wedding you took me to was my very first date ever - I guess that's why I still think about you. A lot of things happened to me during my stay in Leeds. I have a picture of you & I on my wall and have had for 6-7 years now [at least I finally removed the one of David & I] -you never treated me badly. Well you took too many pills - but I never got a chance to know you well enough to have any influence on that. I still can't believe that you got me talked into trying E. I fancied you so much - that's my only regret - that I fancied you so much that I did something I would otherwise NEVER have done. Luckily nothing happened. It was a good first date still - for the first hours... when you eventually had too many pills you weren't such great company. Thanks for coming to my 'leaving-party' - not so many people did, it meant a lot to me. I hope to "find" you again one day...
ok - so I suck at this game. If I got 24hrs with him - I probably wouldn't ask if he was alive :p then I'd know... oh well, heh
*****
AAAArrrrrggghhhh you are a fucking liar and a fucking player and I hate how I can't just delete you phonenumber and your email address and erase everything about you in my mind. How dare you! What you did with me and Linda was nasty and you thought you were so fucking smooth, but NO you were NOT! It was worse for Linda - she hadn't seen what was going on, but at least I did. And don't play that hurt-card on me with David. You and I stopped 3 months before David even arrived in England so NO he was not the reason. Don't tell me that people at the Y were laughing at you because of what I had done and left you for someone else. Look in a fucking calendar... Aaarrrggghhh I'm sooo glad I did not have sex with you. I was right in never trusting you, but why the hell do I still fancy you? Aaarrgghhh sometimes I'm not sure I should let you know that I know you are lying to me. Sometimes I'm not sure if you are actually lying or if you are really so fucked up that you remember it all wrong. You didn't even come and say goodbye to me - you lied to Don when I moved out of the Y and you stood me up three times in 4 days when I came back to visit. I can't figure out when you are speaking a bit of truth. I'm not sure what I actually meant to you - or if you know??? I tried to make time for you in Belgium but you stood me up there too when I really didn't have the time and I can't believe you got mad/offended around Christmas cuz I couldn't leave for DM-C with you this summer. What world are you living in???
I know I'm not meant to be the one to save you - but I still wish I knew a fraction of what goes on in your head. I wish I knew what had happened to you before you came to England - why you aren't allowed to cross the border and go back. I wish you weren't such an ass and I wish I didn't want you!
G R O W - U P ! ! !
*****
And then you arrived. All of a sudden there was the tall gorgeous man at work -smiling at me around each corner. Someone to share my Dr. Müller Thick & Creamy Strawberry Yoghurt with. It was 3 months before I was suppose to leave and really not practical - but I guess these things never are. I felt so empty inside when I showed up for work and you weren't there - how could you disapear like that? Had it all been something in my head? How could you leave and not say anything? No one knew anything. I remember the feeling in my stomach when you walked into Berlin's Bar one day to talk to Rob about pay. You didn't expect me to be there but your smile was real too. I remember exchanging numbers and eventually setting agreeing on a date and then all of a sudden constantly bumping in to each other. It all just made the feeling inside stronger - like something would happen - otherwise this wouldn't happen. I remember the first kiss in your doorway - the Thursday you had told me that you were moving to London on the Monday - and our date was for the Sunday. I often think about how much of this you remember? Or if it's just me. I remember the first date - I remember kissing and kissing and kissing at that bar and it felt so nice and so right. A feeling I had never felt before - and yet I knew you were moving the next morning and I was moving 2 months later - was it doomed already then? I remember not wanting you to move. We went back to your place and you introduced me to your flatmates - as your girlfriend. It felt a little weird, but I also liked it. I'd never been someone's girlfriend before [-and I guess I haven't since :-/]. I stayed the night - I remember you getting condoms from your flatmates hehe. None of us knew what we were doing - but I've never regretted it. I've regretted many other things with us since - but never that. It felt right. I'm glad it was with you. It wasn't till after I moved back home I realized how badly we communicated. I guess I've never been good at communicating -HELL NO, what's wrong with me? That was not what I'd tell you when/if you finally agreed to see me again...
What went wrong with us? I wanted you so badly and I believe you wanted me? Why were we both so fucked up? Why after 5 years had we still not learned to talk to each other? What did I do that scared you do much the last time around? Why couldn't you tell me? Why did you meet up with Mette and were able to tell her things that you couldn't tell me? That hurt. Was it suppose to be some kind of Eddie-revenge? If so - then you have NO right to play that card on me, ever - you lost that right when you waited 4 years to tell me why the two of you fell out. And NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO nothing ever happened. I could not do that to you. I told you a white lie though, something could have happened, but I made sure it didn't. I don't think you'd have been better off knowing that. Are you ever gonna believe that nothing happened? Will it matter? Did that even have anything to do with it? How could you bring that up over a year after with someone you didn't know when you had never mentioned it to my face??? Arrrggghhh. What happened? Did you really think I was giving up my entire life to come and live with you? Why weren't we able to talk this through? Why did it go so far? I just wanted a chance. I just wanted the "what if" to go away. I was terrified about moving over too. I was terrified of finding out that you loved me more than I loved you or that I loved you more than you loved me - or that we loved each other just the same... I was terrified of all of it, but the only thing that scared me more - was not finding out. And I never did! Well, I guess I've come to term with the fact that you and I aren't meant to be - but I'm still sad about how it ended, sad that we never got a chance. How much did the children play a role? *sigh*... I know you want them. I do - and you should have them. You'll be a fantastic dad. I could have not told you. I could have hidden it from you - and then two years down the line I could have brought it on. But I didn't - and we never really discussed it. Why were we so useless? I know it was a big deal when you had actually considered a life without children - but I'm not sure I could ever have done that to you. Who knows - maybe I had changed my mind if we had worked out?
I so fucking sad and mad and frustrated that we can't talk now. That we can't communicate. Mainly I'm probably mad that you've never apologized. I'm not saying I was perfect, but what you did you me that summer, what you put me through, how you treated me. That was horrible and I hope you never do that to anyone else. Saying "I'm sorry I'm not a better man" is NOT an apology I can use. It's useless. It just doesn't cut it. You left me stranded. I thought I had my life worked out and you didn't even have the nerve to tell me that you'd chickened out. Useless! And how DARE you not get back to me after the bombings till 2-3 days later, especially with Agnes. Aaarrgghh and then telling Mette that you liked that I cared. If you liked anything you would have told me that you guys were SAFE.
What I want mostly is just to KNOW you... It's been over 7 years since you walked into my life and I've never really gotten to know you. And you don't know me. And yet there's this thing between us... Whatever the reasons you are not talking to me these days then I hope it'll pass. I don't want all contact to end. If it's because you need to be secure in your new relationship first before you bring me back in your life, then I understand. Really. But I do hope to see you again. I wanna see your children one day, I wanna meet your family, I wanna see Agnes again. I want to know that you are ok.... xoxo Ndinokuda - I will always love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore...
*****
Noo Noo No No No - we were never a couple. And we should never have been anything. I hate that I'm so horribly useless at standing up for myself and stopping what I don't want to do. Luckily I always know when to stop before sex :-/. Nothing should have happened. If you would only admit what happened with the Lithuanian girl, but no. I WAS IN THE DAMN ROOM. Ugh... All you had to do was admit it, then we could have moved on. You've never been honest with me. But then again - I don't know if I have been with you? But mainly it was because I didn't know how... How do you break up with someone you are not with? And now you have two kids - with two different woman and the kids are what - almost the same age? I don't understand why the first one ever got back together with you and why the 2nd one married you. And aaaarrrrggghhhh for what mahmoud did to me in Dar es Salaam- some friends you have. I would never take advantage of your friends like that.
*****
Where did you come from?
How did you notice me?
I looked horrible that day. I've never had anyone run 'after me' like that. Everything with you was so surreal. I wish I had been able to get another "play session". I don't know if you got bored cuz I was too scared and insecure or if it was because you weren't able to get in touch with me when my phone broke. Everything was so weird. If you had had a little more patience then I think you could have talked me into almost anything - which is kinda scary I think. But you were sooooooo H O T! Daaaaammnnn *drools* - and those hands - I still wonder what else they can do...
*****
You are such a loser. You are old enough to know that GIRLS TALK TO EACH OTHER. Don't try to get with two girls who are friends, it's NOT cute and they DO find out. And when you know that they know: BACK off!
*****
You are my main regret. I wish you'd never walked into my life. I wish I could say that I wish we never had sex - but I can't. Because if we hadn't then I would have regretted NOT having sex with you. I really just wish I'd never met you. I wish you weren't out that Wednesday and I wish Mette and Carsten hadn't egged me on. I hate that I wanted someone to kiss that badly.
I don't care how much it might have seemed like I wanted you and how much you were "just being a guy" - but I hate that I came to your place that night. I hate that I was so drunk. You know I had told you that I'd stop by after the party if I didn't get too drunk. I drank so much because I wouldn't have dared to come over if I hadn't been drunk. I was too drunk to make any decision regarding what I wanted. You should NOT have had sex with me. Period. No argument. If you had had my best interest at heart or liked me even a little (yeah yeah yeah, I know, you are male. But I actually do know men who can control it) then you would have told me to go to sleep. It wasn't rape. I came to your place volunteerly knowing what I had in mind. Only I wasn't fit to decide that. I feel horrible thinking about it. Mostly I feel horrible about what I don't remember. It's not really that I've ever cried over what happened - I'm not really sad - I'm just fucking mad.
And when I didn't want you afterwards *surprise surprise* - going after my best friend is NOT a clever move. Telling her that it was her you really wanted from the start, the one you saw first etc. is NOT a clever mood when we were BOTH at the club and we BOTH know who your attention was on that night.
I really wish I'd never met you.
*****
You fascinate me. You are absolutely gorgeous - now if you had only been 2-3inches taller, then I'm not sure I could have resisted you, heh. Does that sound shallow? It wasn't your height that made me control myself, it was David. Despite everything he's done to me since then I'm still glad nothing ever happened with us - even though at that moment I'd never wanted anyone anymore than I wanted you. I think you kinda knew that. I was shaking when laying next to you in bed talking. My legs were freezing, butterflies in the stomach and I had to fight so hard to resist you. But I had to. It was the right choice. Maybe if there was no David. And no Audrey. If I had met you first or not in connection with David. But life doesn't work well with "what ifs"..
I don't know what will happen the next time I see you? In a way I know that if anything ever happens then I'll never become friends with David (again). If our chance ever appears then I guess I have a decision to make. First you have to fess up to me about Audrey though, everything from the beginning till today -including the time when I visited. Don't play me. Don't lie to me. I hate how you are so damn smooth and charming that you can kinda get away with it. I don't know if I can ever completely trust you? You've kinda hinted to me that I shoudln't.
You are so cute, so sexy, so charming and soooo funny. I've always had a lot more fun with you than with David. You and I were also better at talking to each other. I don't know if that means anything or if it's just because we've never had "feelings" stuck between us. I know you can be a player. But you can be so much more as well. I love how happy you sound whenever I call you - whether it's been a few months or a year since a previous contact.
I miss you. I wanna sit in your couch with you again - enjoy a long breakfast and watch football all day and talk about life. I wish I could count on you. I wish you'd come visit me. I really hate it when you lie to me and when you let me down. I also hate how I can never be truely mad at you, only *uuggghhh aaaarrgghhh annoyed* because you are so darm charming.
Oh - and I CANNOT believe you lied about your name! Aaarrgggh :p - I still think about you as Eddie, but then as soon as I say it out loud *if talking about you* or in my head if thinking about you then I feel like a right idiot. Where did it come from? So weird. I can't believe you're not Eddie.
I miss you sweetie <3
*****
O M G !
That was the LEAST thing I expected. We never talked about anything like that. Nothing had hinted it. Where did it come from? It was wrong. I know that. But it felt so right - right then. And even now - I don't really feel bad. It's still a good memory to me. A fabulous one even.
I guess it was worse for you - but with what you had, I guess I can't blame you. Even though I was officially single - then I'm pretty sure that if I had told David, him & I would never have happened again. I keep wondering what will happen when we eventually see each other again. Will we both be single? Will it matter (I hope so). Do I want to meet you again while we are still single? I guess that's the tough question... I think I do. But I can't see myself in a relationship with you - but I don't think you could with me either. I do love you though. I love you for who you are and for what you did to me and what you taught me. When we did it - that was the first and only time ever that I've had sex simply because I wanted to and the feeling was too overwhelming to fight it. It was a feeling I wasn't used to it was a feeling I wasn't used to acting upon. It was a powerful summer. I'm glad we were able to talk about it the next day - if we hadn't then I'm not sure we would be friends today or at least not the way we are now. We almost didn't. We almost went to see a stupid movie - remember? Talking it through was soo important to me. I needed to put it all into words because it was all so new to me. You were perfect. The other night too. I hate that it's already been 2½ years. It's crazy how things go. I'll see you again - allahallah. It's something unpredictable and in the end it's right - I sure had the time of my life :-)
*****
I can't write about you just yet. I can't put into words all the thoughts and feelings that springs to mind when I think about you. I don't know what I'd do if I got to actually see you - even if just for 24hrs. But I keep hoping it'll happen. And that I'll think of something to say and not just cry... :-/
Yes - I'm back :-)
Came back 1½ week ehhh a month agoalmost 2 months ago and what can I say? It's good to be back. I [still] haven't unpacked yet, heh and even though it was hard then it's even good to be back at work. And it's really good not to be stressed when I get home from work... I'll write a lot more about that when I get my pictures back (they are on a friend's laptop)...
Ok - so I started this post shortly after I came back, but it proved to take several days (*cough* months) to finish... I kept telling myself that I wouldn't post till it was done... but hey - 3 birthdays and Sean's visit interfered with that. I'll probably still post about Malaysia eventually (I have got my pictures back) and most of you have seen the picture as well since I put it up on LJ and MSN etc. Also Judith - here's the message that I mentioned - heh - I guess I could just delete that now, but hey... No harm done...
Got one though - of me ready to release baby-ninja-turtles
Hope you've all had a fabulous summer...
xoxo
Mette
p.s. JUDITH: WOW... Just as I was taking off I sneaked a peak on my flist and got a preview of what was happening with you. Didn't have time to read it all or to comment - but wow *big hugs* - when away I wasn't able to login (crappy net and only one computer and didnt want others to find my LJ). I'll read up on everything. I love reading everything, just like I did when you were down there. Some of it is a bit hard to take in too - hits too close to home. I'm even jealous/envious - but I'll try not to take it out on you :-) promise. I can't wait to read it all. [I guess I could delete that now since I already told you, but oh well... I still love reading the stories]