(no subject)
...it did actually go both ways, she talked first... then I went - it's the first time I've actually said some of those things. They are all in my mind and my heart is still falling apart *sigh*
[ M e t t c h e n ] says:
Can I tell you something? - you have to promise not to tell Husam what Im saying though...
Gihan says:
*HUG* you are the best
Gihan says:
yea sure
[ M e t t c h e n ] says:
*I'll try not to make myself cry*.... what is worst - is that I don't know what is really going on. I don't know if he was being 100% honest with me. And I guess I'm hoping he wasn't - because if he wasn't then maybe he still likes me. I know it's silly and stupid and ridiculous and irrational. He told me that he wanted more than what we had. He wanted something physical [I do too...] etc. *cont*
[ M e t t c h e n ] says:
and all that. But this little part of me can't kill the hope. I like/love him so much and can't get over that it's over before I even got to see him again. I never got to spend time with him WHILE having these feelings. Maybe I should have held back some of my feelings - but I got terribly attached. And I can't help but wonder if he just stopped it cuz I became too intense - if he was worried *con
[ M e t t c h e n ] says:
about me and my emotions. Maybe he did like me - but maybe just not quite as much as I liked him and he didnt think it was fair on me. Didnt think it was fair on me to keep my life on hold for someone in Sudan that I could most likely not have - ever. Maybe he was just being the 'mature' one who stopped the "game" before it got even more out of hand... *cont*
[ M e t t c h e n ] says:
I dont really really believe this... but I constantly have this little voice in my head telling me that he still likes me. And it's stupid. The other part of me fears that this was all a joke to him. I dont really believe that either but it's sooo painful not to hear from him. He came my best friend. I've never communicated with anyone as well as I have with him... the only things I held back on,
Gihan says:
i will be back
[ M e t t c h e n ] says:
were the things I wanted to wait and not talk about through email but face to face. I felt I could talk to him about anything. He kept saying how much i DID mean to him and how he didnt want to lose me... and yet I haven't heard from him in over 6 months - and not had a proper conversation in even longer. And the horrible voice in my head tells me that I was just "entertainment" - something *cont*
[ M e t t c h e n ] says:
to kill time with on the long lonely nights in the south - and maybe he had 10+ other girls on his MSN list that he was doing the same too. Maybe he's got one now? Another voice says he's staying away from me because he's afraid it'll hurt me to talk to him. It does hurt me to talk to him. But it hurts 100 times more to NOT talk to him. I've never missed anyone as much as I miss him. I miss *cont*
Gihan says:
Oh my God...
[ M e t t c h e n ] says:
knowing how he is doing, how work was, how his family is... I miss talking about life, feelings, politics - I miss getting to know him. I miss the feeling of growing closer... now we are just growing/falling a part. And I can't tell him all this... I just can't... then i'll be this horribly stupid childish girl up north who won't take no for an answer and just move on and who dont believe what
[ M e t t c h e n ] says:
he is saying. If what he said is what he meant - then I will be an idiot for saying something... but how do I know? what is any of the voices are true?
[ M e t t c h e n ] says:
...now I did make myself cry *sigh*
Gihan says:
nOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[ M e t t c h e n ] says:
I feel sooo bloody stupid. It's been TWO years
Gihan says:
PLEASE DON'T
[ M e t t c h e n ] says:
it was one week
[ M e t t c h e n ] says:
it was kissing twice
[ M e t t c h e n ] says:
that's it...
[ M e t t c h e n ] says:
the rest is just chat and email.... probably mainly me... maybe it is all in my head and when I got too attached he had to get rid of me... I dont wanna believe that though because I do think he's amazing
[ M e t t c h e n ] says:
I'm sorry Gihan.... didnt mean to let it all out... dont really have anyone "here" who'd get it... they haven't met him
[ M e t t c h e n ] says:
....in the past months I ended up sending him sms'es from time to time in the mittle of the night (often when drunk) telling him how I miss him and then I feel horrible afterwards... He tells me to write him - so I email him, but he doesnt reply.... I try to sound casual in the email in the hope that if I dont talk about how much I want him and miss him then maybe, just maybe he'll come back to me
[ M e t t c h e n ] says:
-at least as my friend.
[ M e t t c h e n ] says:
I really want him as my friend
[ M e t t c h e n ] says:
I really really wish he had come to Ghana in the summer 2005. Wish it hadnt been two years... Sometimes I doubt he even planned on coming? but again, thats the insecurity talking...
[ M e t t c h e n ] says:
*sigh*
[ M e t t c h e n ] says:
....in two weeks time my friend Sean is visiting me. He's a friend of mine through David (the ex fromthe summer before tanzania).... we've kinda flirted before, but nothing has ever happened. I dont know if I hope or fear that something will happen. I know I*m suppose to move on - but my heart doesnt want to because of the voices. The doubts - the hopes...
[ M e t t c h e n ] says:
*deep breath* ...guess that was it - for it *sigh*