My Lady, thou doth Protest too much
Wasn't sure where else to post this. This is something I have been wanting to tell someone, and I won't be able to sleep until I get it all out. I am glad there is no one who really reads this, for I realized I only write in this thing when it is something emotional I need to get out or something really embarrassing. I also realize that this won't explain the situation at all (which I don't feel like getting into), its just my response to the situation. Here goes.
I realize what you are doing. You are doing to me what I was doing to you this time last year: pushing you away and making lame excuses as to why we shouldn't date. Well I have run out of excuses, and regret that all I did for a semester is try to make you hate me, and now you are full of the excuses, which make no logical sense whatsoever (just as mine made no sense). See, you say we need to get the idea of us being anything more than just friends out of OUR heads, however, I have excepted the fact we may only be friends. The thing is, when it comes down to it, I only want us to be friends. I do enjoy your company and I do value our friendship and I have indeed missed you these past few weeks that we haven't really seen each other. I miss you and enjoy your company because of the person you are when we are alone together. When you are alone with me (which you have admitted yourself) you are different than you are in public. When you are alone with me, you are sweet, sincere, compassionate, patient, flirty, playful and just generally fun to be around. It's the same person who is around after you have been drinking. That's the girl I am attracted to. That is the girl I have feelings for. And I know this is the real you, because you are, after all, a Special Ed major and you would have to possess these types of attributes to do that kind of work. This is the same girl who used to bug me all the time to come visit me at work because she had time to kill inbetween class and the same girl who would send me random texts wondering what I am up to and the girl who begged me all summer to take her to see "Inglorious Basterds" because she knew we both love Quentin Tarantino, but I digress. Back to the case in point. When you are out in public or in larger social settings, however, you wear a mask: the mask of an overtly independent, domineering, stoic, bitchy girl. I think it is time you remove the mask and let the rest of the world see the person I see, but I know you will not do that, even though you sat right in my living room, almost crying, saying how you would. You won't do that for the same reason you tell me that "we know too much about each other" to date. Wait, what? The logic train just left the station. Yes, your ex was a bastard and said and did a lot of things that I even thought were out of character for him (Editor's Note: him and I were close friends) and I think he was wrong and I think this has effected you so deeply, you are scared to let anyone come close or get in. It is a defense mechanism, just as your mask is a defense mechanism. That is why when you looked me in the eyes, under the stars, told me you loved me and proceeded to kiss me that night leaving my place, and then you freaked out about it after (Editor's Note: which also lead to a huge argument, which I could have handled differently, and the aftermath of that bad argument, which this is a response to), makes sense. You are too afraid of having feelings for someone and letting someone in. And that kiss was passionate and amazing and genuine and more than just a "thank you for dinner" kiss. You know this, and I know this. But maybe you are correct, maybe I do know too much about you: I see straight through your mask and see the real you, the person who I care for and who is my friend, if nothing else. Our conversation at 4 in the morning though revealed a lot and made some of your actions obvious now. You don't realize how revealing you are at times. It makes sense why you have been asking to hang out and then flaking out on it. You sent me a text the other morning on the auspices of trivial fluff and that you couldn't sleep, and when the conversation turned this way, you told me we couldn't hang out anymore because 1) you don't trust yourself around me, 2) neither of us have any self-control, 3) you're not seeing anyone and are being controlled by your hormones and 4) you don't want anything like that (the kiss) ever happening ever again. All you did by saying that is that you have feelings for me and that you are attracted to me to the point that, if you saw me, you would be compelled to throw yourself at me (which is very flattering, but I digress). By saying that, it make sense that you ask to hang out and then flake out on it: you are afraid of what will happen the next time we are alone together. Then stop asking to hang out, or at least, stop kidding yourself, drop the mask, and embrace human emotion. I am not saying this because I am begging to be in a relationship with you. Again, I'd be happy for us to be just friends (and we are a Pisces and Aquarius, respectively, and if you subscribe to that, we are "destined" to be lifelong friends). I am saying this because I need you to figure out what it is you want and go with it. If you have feelings for me, which I have always suspected that you have had and always suspected yours for me were stronger than mine for yours, then you need to decide what you will be doing with those feelings. But please, stop this hot-and-cold, let's-hang-out-opps-I-made-other-plans nonsense. I do miss you, and I do want to see you this week before we get too busy with school. I miss my friend and I want to get back to where we were when you got back from London.
I realize what you are doing. You are doing to me what I was doing to you this time last year: pushing you away and making lame excuses as to why we shouldn't date. Well I have run out of excuses, and regret that all I did for a semester is try to make you hate me, and now you are full of the excuses, which make no logical sense whatsoever (just as mine made no sense). See, you say we need to get the idea of us being anything more than just friends out of OUR heads, however, I have excepted the fact we may only be friends. The thing is, when it comes down to it, I only want us to be friends. I do enjoy your company and I do value our friendship and I have indeed missed you these past few weeks that we haven't really seen each other. I miss you and enjoy your company because of the person you are when we are alone together. When you are alone with me (which you have admitted yourself) you are different than you are in public. When you are alone with me, you are sweet, sincere, compassionate, patient, flirty, playful and just generally fun to be around. It's the same person who is around after you have been drinking. That's the girl I am attracted to. That is the girl I have feelings for. And I know this is the real you, because you are, after all, a Special Ed major and you would have to possess these types of attributes to do that kind of work. This is the same girl who used to bug me all the time to come visit me at work because she had time to kill inbetween class and the same girl who would send me random texts wondering what I am up to and the girl who begged me all summer to take her to see "Inglorious Basterds" because she knew we both love Quentin Tarantino, but I digress. Back to the case in point. When you are out in public or in larger social settings, however, you wear a mask: the mask of an overtly independent, domineering, stoic, bitchy girl. I think it is time you remove the mask and let the rest of the world see the person I see, but I know you will not do that, even though you sat right in my living room, almost crying, saying how you would. You won't do that for the same reason you tell me that "we know too much about each other" to date. Wait, what? The logic train just left the station. Yes, your ex was a bastard and said and did a lot of things that I even thought were out of character for him (Editor's Note: him and I were close friends) and I think he was wrong and I think this has effected you so deeply, you are scared to let anyone come close or get in. It is a defense mechanism, just as your mask is a defense mechanism. That is why when you looked me in the eyes, under the stars, told me you loved me and proceeded to kiss me that night leaving my place, and then you freaked out about it after (Editor's Note: which also lead to a huge argument, which I could have handled differently, and the aftermath of that bad argument, which this is a response to), makes sense. You are too afraid of having feelings for someone and letting someone in. And that kiss was passionate and amazing and genuine and more than just a "thank you for dinner" kiss. You know this, and I know this. But maybe you are correct, maybe I do know too much about you: I see straight through your mask and see the real you, the person who I care for and who is my friend, if nothing else. Our conversation at 4 in the morning though revealed a lot and made some of your actions obvious now. You don't realize how revealing you are at times. It makes sense why you have been asking to hang out and then flaking out on it. You sent me a text the other morning on the auspices of trivial fluff and that you couldn't sleep, and when the conversation turned this way, you told me we couldn't hang out anymore because 1) you don't trust yourself around me, 2) neither of us have any self-control, 3) you're not seeing anyone and are being controlled by your hormones and 4) you don't want anything like that (the kiss) ever happening ever again. All you did by saying that is that you have feelings for me and that you are attracted to me to the point that, if you saw me, you would be compelled to throw yourself at me (which is very flattering, but I digress). By saying that, it make sense that you ask to hang out and then flake out on it: you are afraid of what will happen the next time we are alone together. Then stop asking to hang out, or at least, stop kidding yourself, drop the mask, and embrace human emotion. I am not saying this because I am begging to be in a relationship with you. Again, I'd be happy for us to be just friends (and we are a Pisces and Aquarius, respectively, and if you subscribe to that, we are "destined" to be lifelong friends). I am saying this because I need you to figure out what it is you want and go with it. If you have feelings for me, which I have always suspected that you have had and always suspected yours for me were stronger than mine for yours, then you need to decide what you will be doing with those feelings. But please, stop this hot-and-cold, let's-hang-out-opps-I-made-other-plans nonsense. I do miss you, and I do want to see you this week before we get too busy with school. I miss my friend and I want to get back to where we were when you got back from London.