Long Time, No Talk
Okay... I know no one posts or reads Livejournal anymore (we're all too preoccupied with Facebook these days) and as much I would like to write a note on Facebook about this, I can't, because I'm afraid of who will see it... Sometimes you want to get thoughts out and off your chest but don't want certain people reading those thoughts because you fear their reaction. And whoever is still reading this knows that I hate "emo" posts, and being a fourth-year college-student, I shouldn't even have to write one of these high school-esque "what does it all mean/oh-poor-me" posts... but I think I have to write this otherwise I may lose my mind...
I have only been done with class for three days and I think I'm begining to suffer from some low-grade depression, the type I never experienced before over a Christmas break, at least not since... high school. The thing is, I feel like I have regressed some into a teenage state of existence.
For the first time in years, I truly miss friends and those people who are in my life now. I made very few lasting and close friendships at both Stetson and Valdosta, but now that I am at Georgia College, I have made better friends that at the other two unis put together. I have made great friends at Georgia College, people who I feel closer to than some friends I have had for years... This may be a longer month than I have thought it would be.... And yes, there is always Internet, phone and texting... but I still miss the presence of some of these people... and one person in particular.
See... the problem I am facing is this, dear reader... I think I may be in love with someone, who, at the moment, can't possibly reciprocate those feelings (if she even has those feelings about me). Axtually, I can tell she likes me in return (the way she looks at me, the way she smiles at me, etc) all tell me she may think of me more than a friend, but again.... there may be a problem with her showing those feelings in an overt way.....
The reason why she can't express or reciprocate any feelings she might have towards me, at the moment, if she even has them, is because... she's in a relationship.... a long relationship... a four-year, albeit high school, relationship... And I know, from experience and from careful observation, that a high-school relationship can't possibly last well into college (both her and her boyfriend are freshmen) but still... And I am giving the situation as much impetus it needs to break them up...
Alas, I am a romantic old fool. I have feelings for someone, and not only do I know if it is mutual, it they are, there is nothing either of us can do about.... See, the problem with this situation is not the whole "unrequited love" thing.... its the fact that, those who know me, know I am very picky with the women I date.... reallly picky... There is a reason why I have been single for years and it's because I haven't met the right person.... until now.
I have met the kind of person I have been wanting to meet for years, and there is a slight obstacle in the way... The worse part of it all... her boyfriend thinks him and I are friends... he can't see what is going on here... the fact that she spends more time with me than him.... and the fact they have nothing in common anymore....
What is even worser still, I can't hate him... I tried hating him, I tried being jealous of him... but I can't be.... he's too nice to me... And although him and I have little in common outside of political and religious views, and I think he's kind of a tool, I can't hate him... I don't want to be his friend nor would I go out of my way to hang out with him... but I don't hate him.
Now my life is like "Casablanca." Except fewer Nazis.
So I dunno what to do... I want to tell her I like her.... I really do... but I'm afraid I may lose a friend if she isn't ready to hear it... that's the problem.... not only do I have deep feelings for her, her and I have become really good friends... in fact, she considers me one of her closest friends at college, second only to her roommates... She even jokingly calls me her "Other Boyfriend" since she can never get her real boyfriend to do the things she likes with her....
Hell, I even went to dinner with her and her parents one night when they came to visit because her boyfriend didn't to go and her parents wanted to meet me... Her and I are planning a trip to Florida over the summer.... I just don't know...
So I guess this is the proverbial "rock and a hard place." Tell her I like her and can love her better than her boyfriend, and lose a good friend if she freaks. Or hang on in quiet desperation and be her friend and love her from afar.... and watch as she throws her life away to someone I consider not worthy of her praise.
I don't know what to do. Or rather, I know what to do, its just in execution I'm not sure what to do.
I hate being a romatic old fool....
There is silver lining though... Tuesday, she leaves for Manhattan to see the city for a few days with him and his Mother and Father... and I know she has been arguing with him a lot lately... and she told me how his immaturity is bothering her lately... but I digress... she will be in New York for about three days and there is nothing like a stressful vacation that they're already arguing over to break a couple up...
I know, I shouldn't want them to break up, but I do... I really do... I am at the ready with my chisel, exploiting any cracks I may see...
I am not only a romantic, but probably a horrible person as well... a sabotuer if you will...
So yeah, those were the thoughts I wanted to get out on paper. I don't feel any better, but I just had to get them out...
Thank you, dear reader, for listening to my rambling. I will hopefully be able to return the favour in kind.