Best of... ??
Agree? Disagree? What's missing...? [I can think of SEVERAL.]
As requested by HJude:
[NOTE - these are NOT my lists; credit for the following pretentious bloviating goes to Rob O'Connor, from his music blog on Yahoo.]
The 25 Best 'Best Of' Albums
"Greatest Hits" collections are a tricky bunch. Some people never had a lot of hits and get to write their history as they see fit (Nirvana, Neil Young). Others had so many hits, the collections write themselves (Elvis Presley, The Eagles, Al Green, The Beatles). Besides, there are more than 25 deserving artists. I could've compiled 200 and Y! Music would've found me dying at the bottom of the hamster wheel whispering..."Golden Grass, Grass Roots...Otis Redding...Sam Cooke...Motorhead...Tom Waits...Placebo...Replacements..."
Then there are performers where you're better off just buying their actual studio albums. If you want more Meat Loaf, buy Bat Out Of Hell. If you like Bruce Springsteen, get Born To Run or Darkness On The Edge Of Town. The Sex Pistols only made one album and then a ton of ripoffs.
But you have to draw limits and to some degree attempt a little something called balance. And you have to have a little fun. Will Radiohead's new greatest hits album redefine the genre? Probably not. But it could serve as an introduction for people looking to be casually introduced. Which is what these collections do. For some, it's all you need. Unless you're obsessed or something.
The numbers are sometimes arbitrary. Everyone had to fit somewhere. Whether the greatness of Motown really should fall behind the Smiths and the Cure is probably reason to have my lights punched out, but I considered the number 19 to be luckier than 15 or 16, so there was a certain amount of superstition involved. Which reminds me that Stevie Wonder should've been on this list. But he isn't. But then neither is Hank Williams or Muddy Waters or Sheryl Crow or Randy Newman or The West Coast Pop Art Experimental Band or the Jam...you get the idea...
25) Nirvana--Nirvana: Kurt Cobain had a knack for a catchy tune, but he didn't have the intestinal fortitude to comfortably accept commercial success. He likened writing hits to some sort of existential compromise. Yet, he liked pop music, from the Beatles to Queen. Nirvana didn't make many albums. Three official studio albums, a b-sides collection and a couple of live things was all they made, so a "Greatest Hits" doesn't need to cover much ground. This makes a nice Cliff's Notes version of the band and makes an entire boxed set seem a little silly.
24) Greatest Hits--Eagles: One of the best-selling albums of all-time and probably the one album you break out if an alien lands on our planet and asks you to explain what it was like to listen to the radio in the 1970s. And it doesn't even contain "Hotel California," which made it onto the second volume. This is insidious music, crafted to perfection, devoid of soul but enriched by "hooks." You can't NOT sing along. You also may find yourself nodding off somewhere in the middle. But that was what the ‘70s were like. Not everyone woke up.
23) The Best Of Blondie--Blondie: Though Blondie came out of the CBGB's scene that birthed Patti Smith, Television, Ramones, Richard Hell & the Voidoids, Talking Heads and the Tuff Darts, they were the only ones destined for the radio. The Ramones wanted the airwaves, but Blondie made the most sense on them. Besides, those other bands made great albums--well, not the Tuff Darts--while Blondie made great singles.
22) Back To Mono--Phil Spector & Various Artists: Long before becoming a Court TV regular, Phil Spector managed to make himself a star in a way that bass players have been envying ever since. Spector wasn't even in the band. He was the guy producing the records. He created the "Wall of Sound," which these days bands create with one guitar and a huge overdriven amplifier. But Spector had to be more inventive, so he pulled a musical variation of how many guys can you cram into a telephone booth in the recording studio and the result was an explosion of ‘60s girl groups like the Ronettes, who were admittedly much more appealing to look at than Spector--as anyone watching Court TV can attest.
21) Meaty, Beaty, Big And Bouncy--The Who: The Who were grand conceptualists, owners of the rock operas Tommy and Quadrophenia, but they were at their best with the junky old three-minute single. This early collection of youthful frustration and sexual tension is more fun than their later songs where Pete Townshend focuses on his alcoholism, his mid-life crisis and concepts no one can explain, especially Townshend himself.
20) The Kinks Kronikles--The Kinks: What makes this 2-LP collection so intriguing is how it avoids the songs you might expect. No "You Really Got Me" or "All Day and All of the Night" and lots of songs that would never make it to radio even if the radio station owner's last name was Davies. But in terms of the road less traveled, an alternate secret history, well, this is one long confusing garden path that leads to patches of poison ivy and long afternoons of tea along the English countryside.
19) The Motown Box--Various Artists: It's not just any label that can release a boxed set of their best acts and establish both group identity and label identity. Smokey Robinson and the Miracles, Stevie Wonder, Marvin Gaye, Diana Ross and the Supremes, the Four Tops all carved out their sound within the confines of a Detroit recording studio and the overhearing ears of Berry Gordy Jr. The label was a hit-making machine like Disney is today but loving and benevolent where now there is only the face of evil.
18) Chronicle Vol. 1--Creedence Clearwater Revival: Creedence Clearwater Revival had the distinction of scoring a string of #2 hit singles. Not #1. Someone else always hogged that spot for themselves. But Creedence did manage 19 hit singles that are collected here and make for a quick jolt through a past that was being imagined while it was being created. John Fogerty may be rock music's first genuine nostalgist. And for times he didn't even experience. The band, after all, were from San Francisco and not the Louisiana bayou swamps where mosquitoes would've eaten them alive.
17) Echoes--Pink Floyd: One doesn't associate Pink Floyd with the recording industry's hit-record making machine. This was a band who took the idea of leisure time to an extreme, to the point where they could be accused of loitering. And the band's sound shifted over the years, embracing the technological innovations that transformed the recording studio. Let's hear it for air conditioning! You don't always know what they're up to, but they sure are taking a long time doing it.
16) Staring At The Sea--The Cure: Another band with a visionary--Robert Smith, in this case--who liked to stretch out over full-length albums, but who was also quite proficient at writing the hit single when it was his need. The fact that this was considered "alternative rock" at the time (the '80s) proves the music industry had gone insane. What's alternative about well-written pop songs? But then this was back when having a Mohawk, a body piercing, a tattoo, or being a guy wearing eye make-up would get you endlessly harassed. There were no shows on TV featuring tattoo parlors back then. If you can believe it.
15) Louder Than Bombs--The Smiths: Another band that made nice albums but even nicer singles. And much like the Cure didn't always bother to put their singles on their albums. It's a British way of doing business, whereas here in America (where I'm paying taxes) our bands have always used the single as the sucker punch to make us buy the whole album. For a British group, they make you buy the single or wait what seems like a very long time to buy the eventual "Greatest Hits" collection. Then once they break up, it seems as if they never run out of ways to reconfigure the same hits.
14) The Chess Box--Chuck Berry: Years of reissues and deleted collections have made it difficult to figure out which "Greatest Hits" collection is actually available. Chuck Berry's Golden Decade collections were solid and the Great Twenty-Eight made for a swell Xmas gift. But, alas, you may have to spring for this three-CD box in order to capture enough Berry to make sense of it all. Because they have deemed it so.
13) We Sold Our Souls For Rock N' Roll--Black Sabbath: If any one band could be held responsible for both the greatest and worst sludge ever foistered on the rock music community, it would be Black Sabbath. Sab inspired people who never should've taken up musical instruments to do so anyway, and they also inspired many others who might not have had the guts otherwise. They made a glorious noise that often sounds like a band playing at the wrong speed. It is this "wrongness" that cast a light for millions. And without any intention on their part led to everything from the rise of the moshpit to endless festivals where young people get very dirty and listen to hundreds of bands pay tribute in their own very loud way.
12) The Very Best Of--Prince: Before he changed his name, before he confused his adoring public with too few and then too many albums, Prince was a "go to" guy if you wanted a solid hit single. He managed to write cute and clever while never losing his experimental drive. He knew how to get weird without losing the commercial thread. He knew how to walk the line. And he never lost his inner weirdness. But he did lose a good chunk of his audience.
11) The Very Best Of The Doors (2CD)--The Doors: The Doors with Jim Morrison (the version of the band that everyone cares about) recorded six studio albums. Over the years this has translated into about 35 greatest hits collections, all featuring some variation of the same songs. This 2 CD best of released in 2007, not to be confused with other albums bearing the same name or something close to it, is just as good as the other albums bearing the same name or something close to it. I'm sure at this point no one needs to hear "Light My Fire" again, but other songs appear quite often as well and therefore must also be important.
10) The Top Ten Hits--Elvis Presley: The Sun Sessions remain his most stunning achievement. But his longevity and the scope of his career deserve as much attention as his initial impact. This dude is majorly famous. And these 38 top ten hits span decades and give you a broad overview despite the fact that nothing from Sun Records, no gospel or blues, little country and many hits are missing. (They didn't go Top Ten!) Even without all that there's still what marketing departments call "an embarrassment of riches."
9) Mania--Ramones: Any of the Ramones first four albums would probably serve as a "Greatest Hits" of sorts, but while the Ramones consistency dropped a bit in their later years, they still managed to slip some fine songs into their catalog while the rest of the world seemingly ignored them. This one-disc collection is truer to their spirit than the 2-CD anthology. The Ramones were about speed and getting it over with, not dragging it out. Odd then that there isn't a 20-minute, 12-track "Best of" out there.
8) Smash Hits--Jimi Hendrix: Hardcore Jimi Hendrix fans need to listen to something else. They need to hear Jimi play long, extended solos in jam sessions and live concerts and they can rightfully marvel at the man's ability to twist six strings into so many directions. But there are those who are just curious, who want maximum impact and don't have hours to spend with a wah-wah pedal jammed between their ears. For those people, there is this album, where you get the poetry, the hits, the hard rock, the blues and the psychedelia in quick, crushed up doses without the long, extended guitar lessons.
7) Greatest Hits, Volume 2--Bob Dylan: Maybe it's because I don't ever want to hear "Everybody Must Get Stoned," (titled "Rainy Day Women, your SS# here") that I've chosen this collection instead of something more obvious. Or maybe it's because as much as I enjoy "Isis" or anything from Knocked Out Loaded, I don't want it showing up on a Greatest Hits collection. Hardcore devotees enjoy his every burp, but the average person can barely stand his voice. So let's not overextend ourselves and force too much of the man's catalog onto people all at once This double album will do.
6) Greatest Hits--Al Green: Call Me and The Belle Album come recommended but here's another gentleman who belongs to the radio. Who doesn't get chills hearing that voice slink up the pole for "Let's Stay Together"? Usually when you reduce a man's career down to a handful of essential tracks, you're, well, reducing him. Yet, here the effect is the opposite. By reducing Green's multi-decade career into a Reader's Digest Condensed Edition, it actually makes each punch a knockout blow.
5) Decade--Neil Young: Some people said he couldn't sing. Some people said he was too moody, too erratic. Some people think we're going to see the release of his voluminous archives in our lifetime. Some people think they "understand" the method to the man's madness. Some people think "Heart of Gold" is a nice song and don't know what the fuss is. Well, this once 3-LP, now 2-CD collection from the mid-70s doesn't assemble every key moment by any stretch, but it gives you a good idea of the man's range. And, no, he can't sing, by any "formal" definition, but remember those who can't sing, sing rock n' roll!
4) Greatest Hits--Sly And The Family Stone: Yes, Stand and There's A Riot Goin' On are great albums, but Sly was a master of the single. His songs belonged on the radio and to the radio. His ability to distill his ambitions into three and four minute explosions of joy without getting corny or preachy came from his ability to kick his band's butt into overdrive. He went crazy as a result. Or was it the craziness that gave him the results? I think we've got a chicken or the egg theory here.
3) Star Time--James Brown: I don't like to include boxed sets because "Greatest Hits" serve as an introduction to an artist's work and a four-disc box is more than just a big hello, it's an overbearing, sweaty hug from someone you're meeting for the first time. But Star Time serves as a great overview of a long, deserving career that I'm willing to overlook just how far Brown's tongue gets jammed down my throat. Hey, it's great to see you too! Godfather of Soul! The R&B years, the invention of funk, the angeldust, its mastery, and eventually the slowdown, it's all here.
2) Hot Rocks--The Rolling Stones: The world's oldest rock n' roll band were once the among the greatest and this collection spanning up to 1971 captures enough of the highlights to qualify as a decent, if not definitive, collection. They simply recorded too many top notch tunes and until they get a real boxed set collection together--The Singles Collection is ok, but is paced with A-side then b-side and not as an album--this will have to stand. You can always add More Hot Rocks for the extra-tasty "fazed cookies."
1) 1--The Beatles: Assembling their #1 hits in one spot is a great move for beginners. Too obvious for most and the group's genius was partly how they turned the album into an artform of its own. They even managed to do this with albums they didn't program, as the US versions didn't start matching their British counterparts until Sgt. Pepper's and yet the American release of Rubber Soul plays just fine. Chances are you can sing the songs on this collection in your sleep. If not, you haven't mastered the art of singing in your sleep. Or you've never owned a radio.
And I REALLY take issue with several of THESE, too:
The 25 Best Hair Metal Bands
Through reckless use of hairspray, spandex, make-up, just plain goofy stage moves and even sillier videos, ‘80s hair-metal bands made themselves the butts of some pretty obvious jokes. Like any genre, hair metal had its share of lousy bands and inept performers, bland careerists and overconfident idiots. But there were some bands worth remembering.
Ranking them gets weird. Aside from the top 12 or so, the rest could probably switch places without anyone noticing. And while perhaps the Darkness should appear as a modern day example, I held off and stuck to bands who reigned when there was a reign to be had. And for those looking for AC/DC, Metallica, Judas Priest and Iron Maiden--they had plenty of hair, but too much denim and leather and not enough "pop" for this crowd--I let the Scorpions stand in for all of them.
Break out the Aqua Net and grab your Bic. Time to start a fire.
25) Winger: Poor Winger. Once the loser friend on Beavis And Butthead showed up wearing their shirt, it was all over. Crowds eager to hear "Seventeen" and "Headed For A Heartbreak" suddenly didn't want to be seen listening to them. But Winger guitarist Reb Beach deserved a better fate than this. And he did go on to play in Alice Cooper's band! But he also got stuck playing with Dokken. But when time rewrites history--or, heck, when I rewrite it--Winger will finally get that Aretha Franklin-accorded R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
24) L.A. Guns: Known by many for being the band that once contained (if one could actually "contain" such a volatile gas) Axl Rose, L.A. Guns managed to be a legitimate threat on their own. However, if you're one of those people who likes to keep a "family tree" of band members, you've got a virtual forest on your hands here, as it appears that every musician in L.A. spent at least a week in this band.
23) Queensryche: I could've given this slot to the Dogs D'Amour, but then I thought someone needs to represent the progressive side of all this hair. We've got enough guys who want to be Johnny Thunders. Queensryche were far more serious than their contemporaries and worked on concepts that fit more comfortably next to the works of Rush than the New York Dolls. I've never really understood what "Silent Lucidity" means. Please explain--in 50 words or less.
22) Enuff Z'Nuff: Is it because they came from Illinois? Or because you could hear the Cheap Trick and Beatle influences? Or because rock critics liked them while all the other bands were getting mercilessly slagged? (Crap, Rolling Stone named them "Hot Band of the Year" in 1991, the year Nirvana broke!) For whatever reason, Enuff Z'Nuff never caught on, the victims of bad spelling and a deadly conspiracy. There is still time to rectify this injustice. But not much, so hurry.
21) Hanoi Rocks: Mostly known for Razzle, the drummer who died in a car accident with Motley Crue's Vince Neil at the wheel, Hanoi Rocks were a legitimate hard rock group with influences that went back to the Stooges, New York Dolls and any variation of a band with Johnny Thunders in it. Let's make these guys more than a footnote. Let's name a potato chip after them.
20) Angel: Conceived in some ways to be the "white light" to their fellow labelmates Kiss' black darkness, Angel were too early (1970s) to cash in on the primping pop and slick guitar leads that would be all the rage once the band went their separate ways. They were clunky. They were corny. Their keyboard player--Greg Giuffria--ended up being the most successful member, when it was clearly obvious that Punky Meadows, who even got mocked by Frank Zappa with "Punky's Whips," should've been the big star. But their LOGO read the same upside down!
19) Loverboy: I wouldn't blame you if you confused these guys with Night Ranger, who almost made this list until I decided that guys who worked for the weekend and told us the kid is hot tonite deserved to be here more. Besides, singer Mike Reno wore one heck of a headband and even had a miserable hit with "Almost Paradise," a song very well-liked by my cat, Tiger, the ultimate critic and, at 20, the boss of the house.
18) Faster Pussycat: Speaking of cats, Faster Pussycat, named after the Russ Meyer film Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!, had the misfortune of releasing their debut album just as Guns n' Roses were issuing theirs and the charts just weren't big enough for the two of them. Timing is everything.
17) Bon Jovi: There will be those who argue that these boys from New Jersey should be higher on this list. And if these boys didn't embrace every cliché as if they'd discovered a brand new idea, they might have moved up a few notches. But there's no shame in coming in just below the legal limit. And "You Give Love A Bad Name" makes up for "Bad Medicine" and "Wanted Dead Or Alive" and kept them off the "Worst" list for good. I'm originally from New Jersey. We have no cowboys. We do have Bruce Springsteen. I understand your confusion.
16) RATT: "Round And Round" and "Back For More" were two catchy hits and for that RATT contributed more to the total sum of human knowledge than most groups with far greater critical pedigrees. That the band could never quite recapture their early success is pretty typical of the fickle musical world. Had they only figured out the right Slade songs to cover...
15) Quiet Riot: If you had suggested to someone in the early ‘80s that the road to quick riches and radio fame would be to cover some tunes by the band Slade, well, I'm sure more than one record executive rolled their eyes at the time and said "No, thanks." That would be like expecting pop and punk groups to achieve success singing the Simon and Garfunkel catalog! Yet, these things happen. There is no logic to explain why "Cum On Feel the Noize" should suddenly become a radio anthem in 1983 after it had already been a hit a decade earlier. But it did and people got paid and careers were established and people like me went back to writing horoscopes and weather predictions.
14) Kix: A great cereal and an underrated band. Kix never achieved the success of many of their fellow foot soldiers, but when Kix did have their brief moment of breakthrough it happened in classic hair-metal style. With a ballad. Like nearly every other band on this list, the band connected with the masses with a song--"Don't Close Your Eyes"--that doesn't best represent their sound. But the money was green and after years of mayonnaise sandwiches, I'm sure the band was only too happy to add some ham to the mix.
13) Vixen: Metal is a man's man's man's world--even if they did it by specializing in looking like women. It's also an ironic world. Since only--who?--Girlschool, Heart, Lita Ford, Bitch and Vixen come to mind when thinking of fine female metalists. (Joan Jett was always more of a punk.) Just to add insult to injury, freakin' Richard Marx wrote their hit "Edge Of A Broken Heart." Richard Marx?
12) Scorpions: I leave these good Germans to represent all the hard rockers (Rainbow, Dio, Judas Priest...) who were less about the hair and platform shoes but still managed to entertain the masses with very loud guitars turned to 11 and anthems that required singers trained in vibrato and operatic arias. "Rock You Like A Hurricane" may be their most known tune, but "Blackout" and "No One Like You" deserve to be put in the time capsule as well--if only for their great approximation of the English language.
11) Cinderella: Cinderella were the one glam band who started making other plans before the bottom fell out. They'd mastered the pop metal genre with Long Cold Winter but with Heartbreak Station were already finding their way back to their Stones-like roots, so when the trends shifted they wouldn't be left looking backdated. Yet, it didn't work out. Singer Tom Keifer suffered throat surgeries that put the band on hiatus for the early '90s and effectively stalled their momentum. And they really were better at pop metal than blues.
10) Twisted Sister: They deserve to be here for their videos alone. Sure, they were obvious and crass. Their tunes were juvenile and filled with self-parodic rage. They weren't going to take it. And if it I knew what "it" actually was, I probably wouldn't take "it" either.
9) Spinal Tap: Yes, and there's also no Santa Claus. You say Spinal Tap aren't real? Is "Big Bottom" not really a song? Is "Stonehenge" not a hard rock classic? Was keyboardist Viv Savage not the great unsung member of the group? "Have a good time all of the time" is as profound a philosophy as anything by that Nietzsche guy. And if Bobbi Fleckman and the rest of the label had promoted them properly they would never have landed in the "Where Are They Now?" pile.
8) Motley Crue: Mick Mars may be the creepiest looking guy in music--and that's saying something. And Tommy Lee may only be "lovable" to women who regularly appear in centerfolds. But I wasn't planning on inviting these guys to dinner. On some level, you expect to hear that your rock stars do not behave like choir boys or even decent human beings. Whether they drink the blood of goats or indulge in enough recreational narcotics to have a poppy field named after them, it goes with the territory. Their greatest sin isn't heroin, it's their inherent corniness.
7) Ozzy Osbourne: With Black Sabbath, Ozzy Osbourne invented the glorious sludge end of heavy metal. On his own, he discovered a guitar player named Randy Rhodes who resuscitated Ozz's career at a critical juncture and set the bar for the rest of the ‘80s. Even Osbourne himself couldn't match up to his first two solo albums. And while he's known to an entire generation of kids as that guy with the wacked-out family, he'll always be known to me as that guy with that wacked-out voice. Has any singer ever sounded so on the constant verge of self-combustion?
6) Kiss: This is a tough one. Because technically Kiss were at their best in the 1970s when they were a complete circus act. By the time the ‘80s rolled around and they switched members and dropped the face paint, they hit and mostly missed. Then again trying to explain to someone why "Firehouse" and "Love Gun" are genius and "Let's Put the X in Sex" is not requires a level of intricate logic that only a true Kiss fan can explain and/ or understand.
5) Aerosmith: Aerosmith were supposedly done. By 1983, their two guitar players were gone and they were barely a band. Their success in the 1970s was nothing more than a hangover. But then they reformed in every way. Got straight. Worked with professional songwriters who knew their way with a hit and the lead singer even had a daughter he could put in the videos so it wouldn't just be a bunch of ugly old dudes. And it worked. And suddenly a guy old enough to be your dad (and my dad) was kicking the butts of people 20 years younger. On paper, this is wrong and even impossible. But apparently these guys dig beating odds--and hiring out when they have to.
4) Def Leppard: Their producer, Robert John "Mutt" Lange, deserves to stand alongside them. These English lads knew a thing or two about writing catchy tunes when they first arrived on the scene, but it was their apprenticeship with Lange that led to the meticulously crafted pop-metal that defined the era and put these guys a solid foot if not yard ahead of their competition. Others tried to copy them and ended up with corporate sounding, lifeless junk. These boys found a way around that where that was the point.
3) New York Dolls: Every ‘80s hair-metal band owes a debt to David Johansen, Johnny Thunders and the rest of the crew, for the lipstick, for the hair, for the clothes and sometimes even the riffs. Mocked in their time--but loved by the critics--they couldn't hold it together. Because dysfunction drives the music. If musicians were normal, they'd get day jobs and be done with it.
2) Van Halen: Not really glam in the traditional sense, Van Halen with David Lee Roth at the helm were the flashiest dudes on the scene. Punks mocked them, but Roth was always in on the joke. He knew he was being absurd. Of course, reams have been written on Eddie Van Halen's guitar prowess. But what really drives this band is the chemistry of the band itself. The rhythms are virtually jazz, the guitar licks are avant-garde and DLR's sense of scream pure camp. They put the blues in a blender and made it shake. And have you seen junior's grades?
1) Guns n' Roses: Appetite For Destruction ensured this volatile bunch of ne'er-do-wells their place in hair-metal history. (And Axl was pretty quick to tone down the aqua-net.) Combining punk, metal and pop in one slamming freight train, Guns n' Roses in one brief flicker of tension jumped to the head of the class and apparently will spend the rest of their days doing other things. Even if Chinese Democracy ever does surface, who will really think of it as the work of Guns n' Roses? Without Slash? Without Izzy? Without Duff? It's like getting a peanut-butter cup with no chocolate, no peanut butter and only an oily rapper.
The 25 Worst Hair Metal Bands
Deciding the 25 Best Hair Metal Bands is an exercise that provides a few laughs, some decent tunes, an appalling video here and there, and gets you kind comments from readers who feel a swelling in their hearts when they see their favorite overlooked band being acknowledged for their efforts.
Picking the 25 Worst Bands is an exercise that provides a few laughs, very few decent tunes, many appalling videos and angry comments from readers who feel a sudden need to beat my opinionated head into the ground. And for those who think I should stick to what I know: no one at Y! Music wanted my blog on the finest varieties of Irish Soda Bread or my expertise on bagpipe music (that's Scottish, by the way).
Wasn't it Spinal Tap who said it was a fine line between clever and stupid? Well, sometimes you can't even find the line. You just have to go with your gut and call it. Why one band sounds incredible and in command doing practically the exact same thing as another band who sound putrid and horrid is one of life's deep mysteries. It's just like how some people--like me--were born ugly and stupid and must spend the rest of eternity trying to make others feel bad about themselves and their accomplishments.
So with that little bit o' psychotherapy off my back, let's discuss the 25 Worst Hair Metal Bands of All-Time!
25) Mr. Big: One of the hard truths about a band is that no matter how many "stars" or "players" it has, it still has to deliver beyond an individual's reputation. Billy Sheehan and Paul Gilbert are two admirable musicians, experts on their instruments. But in order to be a commercial success, despite all their shredding, they had to strike--and you'll see this sad trend play out often in this genre--with an acoustic tune, "To Be With You," and that's plain wrong.
24) Y&T: These guys were around forever, putting out their debut album in the 1970s and somehow finding their groove during the '80s metal years. Granted, they named an album Ten, a full two years before Pearl Jam, so I guess we could call them influential. But staring at their oeuvre, the word "forgettable" seems to more easily apply.
23) Bang Tango: They tried. But L.A. had a lot of bands to choose from and while I could've advised the band not to sign to MCA, who even Lynyrd Skynyrd managed to write a song against, these earnest, eager, hungry boys gave it a shot with albums such as Psycho Café and Dancin' On Coals. They just couldn't get their hairspray to stick out of the crowd.
22) Shotgun Messiah: From Sweden, so maybe some things get lost in translation. Their singer sure could scream. I remember that. But they could never settle on a line-up or an identity, sounding like an imitation of RATT one album and then Guns n' Roses the next. Tim Skold turned the band towards industrial music before joining up with KMFDM and MDFMK and--tired of all the initials--then began playing bass for Marilyn Manson.
21) Lizzy Borden: In retrospect, these guys weren't so much bad as indistinguishable from the many other talents of their era. They didn't overplay any more than usual and they never had a singer who made you want to jump out of a moving vehicle. And that's what's really wrong here. Lizzy Borden evoke no reaction whatsoever. You might as well be listening to air.
20) Trixter: The glam metal band from New Jersey who weren't related to Bon Jovi. It might have helped. Word is they're coming back in 2008. I guess the Puppet Show at Six Flags is in need of an opening act this year. What Trixter lacked in originality--they had tunes named "Surrender" (not a Cheap Trick cover) and "One In A Million" (not the Guns n' Roses tune)--they made up for with, well, their lack of originality.
19) Danger Danger: While it's admirable that these hard rockers from Queens had a concept, I'm not sure that repeating everything twice is a good concept. But sure enough, songs like "Naughty Naughty" and "Bang Bang" do what they set out to do and fulfill the "legacy" of the band's name. They're another band threatening a comeback. To which we say "No No," "Stop Stop."
18) Autograph: One of the earlier L.A. hair metal bands, Autograph had their hit "Turn Up The Radio" featured in an episode of Miami Vice and the band made a cameo in a Dudley Moore-Kirk Cameron film called Like Father Like Son, which did about as well as it should have. Sometimes there is justice in the universe. Just not that often.
17) Dokken: Formed in the 1970s, these heavy metal lifers, after a few years of false starts, finally got to consistently make records in the 1980s just in time to be too late. Or is that too old? Youth culture can be cruel if you're not Ozzy Osbourne--then you're just grandpa. As for Don Dokken, no matter how many hits he has--and he's had quite a few--he still ends up being everyone else's opening act. And that tells us something.
16) Bulletboys: This Naples, Florida ensemble (crap, they originated in, what, a retirement village?) got compared to Van Halen because they used the same producer and their singer liked to whoop and holler like prime-time David Lee. So, great--why not just form a Van Halen tribute band and rake in some real money?
15) Lita Ford: The Runaways provided some great trashy rock 'n' roll, but Ford's '80s output just smacks of over-processed cheese. And why is it that when these hard rockers finally team up with other hard rockers, in Lita's case Ozzy Osbourne, it's for a freakin' ballad? (That would be "Close My Eyes Forever.") If you're going to duet on a ballad, call Barry Manilow!
14) Stryper: Christian Metal is just wrong, and quite possibly an oxymoron. I suppose you could say it's more rebellious since it rebels against the traditional concept of rebellion. But then that would make activities such as mowing the lawn, doing the dishes and getting a haircut all part of a Satanic plot. I go with that King Of The Hill show that, when confronted with a Christian rock band, laid it out straight with something like this: you're not making Christianity better, you're making rock n' roll worse.
13) Great White: Even before the great fire in that small Rhode Island club that stained whatever legacy they'd aimed for, Great White were responsible for bland, routine glam metal that screwed up a perfectly good Ian Hunter song in "Once Bitten, Twice Shy." The band has also suffered enough line-up changes that even their founder Jack Russell has taken to calling different line-ups "Fake White."
12) Slaughter: Never trust bands that form after so many other bands have already succeeded with the same formula. You can't blame Mark Slaughter for starting his own band. Everyone knows that being the singer in a band means you're as important as the guitar player--even if that guitar player is Vinnie Vincent and you're part of his "Invasion"--and you should capitalize on it by maintaining ultimate lead singer dominance at all costs.
11) Giuffria: ‘70s goofy glam boys Angel were a sight to behold and if someone had to guess who from that band would succeed on their own, chances are the smart money would've been on Punky Meadows and not keyboardist Greg Giuffria. Yet, it was Greg who put together this unrocking set of dudes and a tune called "Call To The Heart" that was their only real hit. They stopped soon after. Merci!
10) White Lion: So this is what it sounds like "When the Children Cry." Their first label rejected their debut album. And now singer Mike Tramp is planning on a new record and tour with a completely new version of the band. I suppose somebody will notice this. Who does he think he is, Axl Rose?
9) Damn Yankees: Gee, Tommy Shaw of Styx and Ted Nugent of Ted Nugent form a band and it's not very good? How could that possibly happen? Who screwed this up? I mean, according to Ted Nugent, he's great. And who wouldn't believe Ted Nugent? After all, he had a hit in 1977, so he's right up there with Debby Boone and Dr. Buzzard's Original Savannah Band. Actually "High Enough" was a huge hit. Enough to make your head hurt. Where'd I put the Head-On?
8) Warrant: How many forms of wretched can one band deliver? Well, if "Heaven" isn't enough for you, there's always a little "Cherry Pie" to go along with it on the side. Power ballads! Crappy stadium anthems! And guest spots from the guys in Danger Danger and Poison! It's like a recipe straight from Rachael Ray.
7) Bad English: A "supergroup" with guys from Journey and John Waite! And a hit song--"When I See You Smile"--written by the ultimate "professional" songwriter Diane "Un-break My Heart" Warren. Well, then, who needs rock n' roll when you have true media professionals providing the entertainment? Even Waite admitted to not enjoying his time in this corporate rock monolith! Not really music, but an incredible simulation!
6) Europe: What does it tell you about a band when their most successful album, in Europe's case The Final Countdown, inspires its guitar player to leave? Millions buy the album. Radio and TV play the song and video and the people who create it question what the hell they're doing. The guitarist in question did eventually return--but only years later, when I guess he ran out of other things to do.
5) Whitesnake: Whitesnake were around for so long that we're ignoring their decade as a blues band to focus on their decade as a vehicle for the dissemination of once-upon-a-wife Tawny Kitaen videos. Singer David Coverdale got so tired of being compared to Led Zeppelin's Robert Plant that he signed up with Zep's Jimmy Page and formed the imaginatively titled Coverdale-Page. When that didn't go so well, Page re-found Robert Plant and Coverdale re-found Whitesnake. Reality TV re-found Tawny. This is starting to sound Biblical.
4) W.A.S.P.: "We Are Sexual Perverts"? "We Are So Perfect"? "We Ain't Sure, Pal"? "We Are (expletive deleted) Performers"? Coming from the same scene as Motley Crue, RATT and Quiet Riot, W.A.S.P. excelled at being the "least good" of the batch. For their efforts, they were razzed by the Parents Music Resource Center, a group of Washington Wives who would've made an even worse band had they picked up instruments. Tipper Gore, contrary to speculation, was no Tawny Kitaen.
3) Extreme: "More Than Words" may be the dullest song in the English language. And it's had plenty of competition. How uninspired a singer is Extreme vocalist Gary Cherone? Well, he joined Van Halen and made people miss Sammy Hagar.
2) Skid Row: The only advantage of listening to Sebastian Bach sing is that it means he isn't talking. If Ozzy wasn't Ozzy, he'd be on this list, too, since anyone who has ever been considered a "celebrity" of any kind who agrees to be on a reality TV show is telling the world their career is in the toilet. I mean, look at the company you're joining? Peter Brady? Dave Navarro? Emmanuel Lewis?
1) Poison: Why? Do you have to ask? For "Unskinny Bop." For "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." For "Nothin' But a Good Time." For a cover of "Your Mama Don't Dance," already one of the worst songs of all time, even before Poison touched it. Have you ever heard Rikki Rockett or C.C. DeVille speak? Have you listened to these albums? They've sold over 25 million albums? And Bret Michaels still needs to do a reality TV show? Great, he's no longer the singer of a band but an understudy for Flavor Flav.
Thoughts?? I can hear mcmahan complaining now... (smirk)
As requested by HJude:
[NOTE - these are NOT my lists; credit for the following pretentious bloviating goes to Rob O'Connor, from his music blog on Yahoo.]
The 25 Best 'Best Of' Albums
"Greatest Hits" collections are a tricky bunch. Some people never had a lot of hits and get to write their history as they see fit (Nirvana, Neil Young). Others had so many hits, the collections write themselves (Elvis Presley, The Eagles, Al Green, The Beatles). Besides, there are more than 25 deserving artists. I could've compiled 200 and Y! Music would've found me dying at the bottom of the hamster wheel whispering..."Golden Grass, Grass Roots...Otis Redding...Sam Cooke...Motorhead...Tom Waits...Placebo...Replacements..."
Then there are performers where you're better off just buying their actual studio albums. If you want more Meat Loaf, buy Bat Out Of Hell. If you like Bruce Springsteen, get Born To Run or Darkness On The Edge Of Town. The Sex Pistols only made one album and then a ton of ripoffs.
But you have to draw limits and to some degree attempt a little something called balance. And you have to have a little fun. Will Radiohead's new greatest hits album redefine the genre? Probably not. But it could serve as an introduction for people looking to be casually introduced. Which is what these collections do. For some, it's all you need. Unless you're obsessed or something.
The numbers are sometimes arbitrary. Everyone had to fit somewhere. Whether the greatness of Motown really should fall behind the Smiths and the Cure is probably reason to have my lights punched out, but I considered the number 19 to be luckier than 15 or 16, so there was a certain amount of superstition involved. Which reminds me that Stevie Wonder should've been on this list. But he isn't. But then neither is Hank Williams or Muddy Waters or Sheryl Crow or Randy Newman or The West Coast Pop Art Experimental Band or the Jam...you get the idea...
25) Nirvana--Nirvana: Kurt Cobain had a knack for a catchy tune, but he didn't have the intestinal fortitude to comfortably accept commercial success. He likened writing hits to some sort of existential compromise. Yet, he liked pop music, from the Beatles to Queen. Nirvana didn't make many albums. Three official studio albums, a b-sides collection and a couple of live things was all they made, so a "Greatest Hits" doesn't need to cover much ground. This makes a nice Cliff's Notes version of the band and makes an entire boxed set seem a little silly.
24) Greatest Hits--Eagles: One of the best-selling albums of all-time and probably the one album you break out if an alien lands on our planet and asks you to explain what it was like to listen to the radio in the 1970s. And it doesn't even contain "Hotel California," which made it onto the second volume. This is insidious music, crafted to perfection, devoid of soul but enriched by "hooks." You can't NOT sing along. You also may find yourself nodding off somewhere in the middle. But that was what the ‘70s were like. Not everyone woke up.
23) The Best Of Blondie--Blondie: Though Blondie came out of the CBGB's scene that birthed Patti Smith, Television, Ramones, Richard Hell & the Voidoids, Talking Heads and the Tuff Darts, they were the only ones destined for the radio. The Ramones wanted the airwaves, but Blondie made the most sense on them. Besides, those other bands made great albums--well, not the Tuff Darts--while Blondie made great singles.
22) Back To Mono--Phil Spector & Various Artists: Long before becoming a Court TV regular, Phil Spector managed to make himself a star in a way that bass players have been envying ever since. Spector wasn't even in the band. He was the guy producing the records. He created the "Wall of Sound," which these days bands create with one guitar and a huge overdriven amplifier. But Spector had to be more inventive, so he pulled a musical variation of how many guys can you cram into a telephone booth in the recording studio and the result was an explosion of ‘60s girl groups like the Ronettes, who were admittedly much more appealing to look at than Spector--as anyone watching Court TV can attest.
21) Meaty, Beaty, Big And Bouncy--The Who: The Who were grand conceptualists, owners of the rock operas Tommy and Quadrophenia, but they were at their best with the junky old three-minute single. This early collection of youthful frustration and sexual tension is more fun than their later songs where Pete Townshend focuses on his alcoholism, his mid-life crisis and concepts no one can explain, especially Townshend himself.
20) The Kinks Kronikles--The Kinks: What makes this 2-LP collection so intriguing is how it avoids the songs you might expect. No "You Really Got Me" or "All Day and All of the Night" and lots of songs that would never make it to radio even if the radio station owner's last name was Davies. But in terms of the road less traveled, an alternate secret history, well, this is one long confusing garden path that leads to patches of poison ivy and long afternoons of tea along the English countryside.
19) The Motown Box--Various Artists: It's not just any label that can release a boxed set of their best acts and establish both group identity and label identity. Smokey Robinson and the Miracles, Stevie Wonder, Marvin Gaye, Diana Ross and the Supremes, the Four Tops all carved out their sound within the confines of a Detroit recording studio and the overhearing ears of Berry Gordy Jr. The label was a hit-making machine like Disney is today but loving and benevolent where now there is only the face of evil.
18) Chronicle Vol. 1--Creedence Clearwater Revival: Creedence Clearwater Revival had the distinction of scoring a string of #2 hit singles. Not #1. Someone else always hogged that spot for themselves. But Creedence did manage 19 hit singles that are collected here and make for a quick jolt through a past that was being imagined while it was being created. John Fogerty may be rock music's first genuine nostalgist. And for times he didn't even experience. The band, after all, were from San Francisco and not the Louisiana bayou swamps where mosquitoes would've eaten them alive.
17) Echoes--Pink Floyd: One doesn't associate Pink Floyd with the recording industry's hit-record making machine. This was a band who took the idea of leisure time to an extreme, to the point where they could be accused of loitering. And the band's sound shifted over the years, embracing the technological innovations that transformed the recording studio. Let's hear it for air conditioning! You don't always know what they're up to, but they sure are taking a long time doing it.
16) Staring At The Sea--The Cure: Another band with a visionary--Robert Smith, in this case--who liked to stretch out over full-length albums, but who was also quite proficient at writing the hit single when it was his need. The fact that this was considered "alternative rock" at the time (the '80s) proves the music industry had gone insane. What's alternative about well-written pop songs? But then this was back when having a Mohawk, a body piercing, a tattoo, or being a guy wearing eye make-up would get you endlessly harassed. There were no shows on TV featuring tattoo parlors back then. If you can believe it.
15) Louder Than Bombs--The Smiths: Another band that made nice albums but even nicer singles. And much like the Cure didn't always bother to put their singles on their albums. It's a British way of doing business, whereas here in America (where I'm paying taxes) our bands have always used the single as the sucker punch to make us buy the whole album. For a British group, they make you buy the single or wait what seems like a very long time to buy the eventual "Greatest Hits" collection. Then once they break up, it seems as if they never run out of ways to reconfigure the same hits.
14) The Chess Box--Chuck Berry: Years of reissues and deleted collections have made it difficult to figure out which "Greatest Hits" collection is actually available. Chuck Berry's Golden Decade collections were solid and the Great Twenty-Eight made for a swell Xmas gift. But, alas, you may have to spring for this three-CD box in order to capture enough Berry to make sense of it all. Because they have deemed it so.
13) We Sold Our Souls For Rock N' Roll--Black Sabbath: If any one band could be held responsible for both the greatest and worst sludge ever foistered on the rock music community, it would be Black Sabbath. Sab inspired people who never should've taken up musical instruments to do so anyway, and they also inspired many others who might not have had the guts otherwise. They made a glorious noise that often sounds like a band playing at the wrong speed. It is this "wrongness" that cast a light for millions. And without any intention on their part led to everything from the rise of the moshpit to endless festivals where young people get very dirty and listen to hundreds of bands pay tribute in their own very loud way.
12) The Very Best Of--Prince: Before he changed his name, before he confused his adoring public with too few and then too many albums, Prince was a "go to" guy if you wanted a solid hit single. He managed to write cute and clever while never losing his experimental drive. He knew how to get weird without losing the commercial thread. He knew how to walk the line. And he never lost his inner weirdness. But he did lose a good chunk of his audience.
11) The Very Best Of The Doors (2CD)--The Doors: The Doors with Jim Morrison (the version of the band that everyone cares about) recorded six studio albums. Over the years this has translated into about 35 greatest hits collections, all featuring some variation of the same songs. This 2 CD best of released in 2007, not to be confused with other albums bearing the same name or something close to it, is just as good as the other albums bearing the same name or something close to it. I'm sure at this point no one needs to hear "Light My Fire" again, but other songs appear quite often as well and therefore must also be important.
10) The Top Ten Hits--Elvis Presley: The Sun Sessions remain his most stunning achievement. But his longevity and the scope of his career deserve as much attention as his initial impact. This dude is majorly famous. And these 38 top ten hits span decades and give you a broad overview despite the fact that nothing from Sun Records, no gospel or blues, little country and many hits are missing. (They didn't go Top Ten!) Even without all that there's still what marketing departments call "an embarrassment of riches."
9) Mania--Ramones: Any of the Ramones first four albums would probably serve as a "Greatest Hits" of sorts, but while the Ramones consistency dropped a bit in their later years, they still managed to slip some fine songs into their catalog while the rest of the world seemingly ignored them. This one-disc collection is truer to their spirit than the 2-CD anthology. The Ramones were about speed and getting it over with, not dragging it out. Odd then that there isn't a 20-minute, 12-track "Best of" out there.
8) Smash Hits--Jimi Hendrix: Hardcore Jimi Hendrix fans need to listen to something else. They need to hear Jimi play long, extended solos in jam sessions and live concerts and they can rightfully marvel at the man's ability to twist six strings into so many directions. But there are those who are just curious, who want maximum impact and don't have hours to spend with a wah-wah pedal jammed between their ears. For those people, there is this album, where you get the poetry, the hits, the hard rock, the blues and the psychedelia in quick, crushed up doses without the long, extended guitar lessons.
7) Greatest Hits, Volume 2--Bob Dylan: Maybe it's because I don't ever want to hear "Everybody Must Get Stoned," (titled "Rainy Day Women, your SS# here") that I've chosen this collection instead of something more obvious. Or maybe it's because as much as I enjoy "Isis" or anything from Knocked Out Loaded, I don't want it showing up on a Greatest Hits collection. Hardcore devotees enjoy his every burp, but the average person can barely stand his voice. So let's not overextend ourselves and force too much of the man's catalog onto people all at once This double album will do.
6) Greatest Hits--Al Green: Call Me and The Belle Album come recommended but here's another gentleman who belongs to the radio. Who doesn't get chills hearing that voice slink up the pole for "Let's Stay Together"? Usually when you reduce a man's career down to a handful of essential tracks, you're, well, reducing him. Yet, here the effect is the opposite. By reducing Green's multi-decade career into a Reader's Digest Condensed Edition, it actually makes each punch a knockout blow.
5) Decade--Neil Young: Some people said he couldn't sing. Some people said he was too moody, too erratic. Some people think we're going to see the release of his voluminous archives in our lifetime. Some people think they "understand" the method to the man's madness. Some people think "Heart of Gold" is a nice song and don't know what the fuss is. Well, this once 3-LP, now 2-CD collection from the mid-70s doesn't assemble every key moment by any stretch, but it gives you a good idea of the man's range. And, no, he can't sing, by any "formal" definition, but remember those who can't sing, sing rock n' roll!
4) Greatest Hits--Sly And The Family Stone: Yes, Stand and There's A Riot Goin' On are great albums, but Sly was a master of the single. His songs belonged on the radio and to the radio. His ability to distill his ambitions into three and four minute explosions of joy without getting corny or preachy came from his ability to kick his band's butt into overdrive. He went crazy as a result. Or was it the craziness that gave him the results? I think we've got a chicken or the egg theory here.
3) Star Time--James Brown: I don't like to include boxed sets because "Greatest Hits" serve as an introduction to an artist's work and a four-disc box is more than just a big hello, it's an overbearing, sweaty hug from someone you're meeting for the first time. But Star Time serves as a great overview of a long, deserving career that I'm willing to overlook just how far Brown's tongue gets jammed down my throat. Hey, it's great to see you too! Godfather of Soul! The R&B years, the invention of funk, the angeldust, its mastery, and eventually the slowdown, it's all here.
2) Hot Rocks--The Rolling Stones: The world's oldest rock n' roll band were once the among the greatest and this collection spanning up to 1971 captures enough of the highlights to qualify as a decent, if not definitive, collection. They simply recorded too many top notch tunes and until they get a real boxed set collection together--The Singles Collection is ok, but is paced with A-side then b-side and not as an album--this will have to stand. You can always add More Hot Rocks for the extra-tasty "fazed cookies."
1) 1--The Beatles: Assembling their #1 hits in one spot is a great move for beginners. Too obvious for most and the group's genius was partly how they turned the album into an artform of its own. They even managed to do this with albums they didn't program, as the US versions didn't start matching their British counterparts until Sgt. Pepper's and yet the American release of Rubber Soul plays just fine. Chances are you can sing the songs on this collection in your sleep. If not, you haven't mastered the art of singing in your sleep. Or you've never owned a radio.
And I REALLY take issue with several of THESE, too:
The 25 Best Hair Metal Bands
Through reckless use of hairspray, spandex, make-up, just plain goofy stage moves and even sillier videos, ‘80s hair-metal bands made themselves the butts of some pretty obvious jokes. Like any genre, hair metal had its share of lousy bands and inept performers, bland careerists and overconfident idiots. But there were some bands worth remembering.
Ranking them gets weird. Aside from the top 12 or so, the rest could probably switch places without anyone noticing. And while perhaps the Darkness should appear as a modern day example, I held off and stuck to bands who reigned when there was a reign to be had. And for those looking for AC/DC, Metallica, Judas Priest and Iron Maiden--they had plenty of hair, but too much denim and leather and not enough "pop" for this crowd--I let the Scorpions stand in for all of them.
Break out the Aqua Net and grab your Bic. Time to start a fire.
25) Winger: Poor Winger. Once the loser friend on Beavis And Butthead showed up wearing their shirt, it was all over. Crowds eager to hear "Seventeen" and "Headed For A Heartbreak" suddenly didn't want to be seen listening to them. But Winger guitarist Reb Beach deserved a better fate than this. And he did go on to play in Alice Cooper's band! But he also got stuck playing with Dokken. But when time rewrites history--or, heck, when I rewrite it--Winger will finally get that Aretha Franklin-accorded R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
24) L.A. Guns: Known by many for being the band that once contained (if one could actually "contain" such a volatile gas) Axl Rose, L.A. Guns managed to be a legitimate threat on their own. However, if you're one of those people who likes to keep a "family tree" of band members, you've got a virtual forest on your hands here, as it appears that every musician in L.A. spent at least a week in this band.
23) Queensryche: I could've given this slot to the Dogs D'Amour, but then I thought someone needs to represent the progressive side of all this hair. We've got enough guys who want to be Johnny Thunders. Queensryche were far more serious than their contemporaries and worked on concepts that fit more comfortably next to the works of Rush than the New York Dolls. I've never really understood what "Silent Lucidity" means. Please explain--in 50 words or less.
22) Enuff Z'Nuff: Is it because they came from Illinois? Or because you could hear the Cheap Trick and Beatle influences? Or because rock critics liked them while all the other bands were getting mercilessly slagged? (Crap, Rolling Stone named them "Hot Band of the Year" in 1991, the year Nirvana broke!) For whatever reason, Enuff Z'Nuff never caught on, the victims of bad spelling and a deadly conspiracy. There is still time to rectify this injustice. But not much, so hurry.
21) Hanoi Rocks: Mostly known for Razzle, the drummer who died in a car accident with Motley Crue's Vince Neil at the wheel, Hanoi Rocks were a legitimate hard rock group with influences that went back to the Stooges, New York Dolls and any variation of a band with Johnny Thunders in it. Let's make these guys more than a footnote. Let's name a potato chip after them.
20) Angel: Conceived in some ways to be the "white light" to their fellow labelmates Kiss' black darkness, Angel were too early (1970s) to cash in on the primping pop and slick guitar leads that would be all the rage once the band went their separate ways. They were clunky. They were corny. Their keyboard player--Greg Giuffria--ended up being the most successful member, when it was clearly obvious that Punky Meadows, who even got mocked by Frank Zappa with "Punky's Whips," should've been the big star. But their LOGO read the same upside down!
19) Loverboy: I wouldn't blame you if you confused these guys with Night Ranger, who almost made this list until I decided that guys who worked for the weekend and told us the kid is hot tonite deserved to be here more. Besides, singer Mike Reno wore one heck of a headband and even had a miserable hit with "Almost Paradise," a song very well-liked by my cat, Tiger, the ultimate critic and, at 20, the boss of the house.
18) Faster Pussycat: Speaking of cats, Faster Pussycat, named after the Russ Meyer film Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!, had the misfortune of releasing their debut album just as Guns n' Roses were issuing theirs and the charts just weren't big enough for the two of them. Timing is everything.
17) Bon Jovi: There will be those who argue that these boys from New Jersey should be higher on this list. And if these boys didn't embrace every cliché as if they'd discovered a brand new idea, they might have moved up a few notches. But there's no shame in coming in just below the legal limit. And "You Give Love A Bad Name" makes up for "Bad Medicine" and "Wanted Dead Or Alive" and kept them off the "Worst" list for good. I'm originally from New Jersey. We have no cowboys. We do have Bruce Springsteen. I understand your confusion.
16) RATT: "Round And Round" and "Back For More" were two catchy hits and for that RATT contributed more to the total sum of human knowledge than most groups with far greater critical pedigrees. That the band could never quite recapture their early success is pretty typical of the fickle musical world. Had they only figured out the right Slade songs to cover...
15) Quiet Riot: If you had suggested to someone in the early ‘80s that the road to quick riches and radio fame would be to cover some tunes by the band Slade, well, I'm sure more than one record executive rolled their eyes at the time and said "No, thanks." That would be like expecting pop and punk groups to achieve success singing the Simon and Garfunkel catalog! Yet, these things happen. There is no logic to explain why "Cum On Feel the Noize" should suddenly become a radio anthem in 1983 after it had already been a hit a decade earlier. But it did and people got paid and careers were established and people like me went back to writing horoscopes and weather predictions.
14) Kix: A great cereal and an underrated band. Kix never achieved the success of many of their fellow foot soldiers, but when Kix did have their brief moment of breakthrough it happened in classic hair-metal style. With a ballad. Like nearly every other band on this list, the band connected with the masses with a song--"Don't Close Your Eyes"--that doesn't best represent their sound. But the money was green and after years of mayonnaise sandwiches, I'm sure the band was only too happy to add some ham to the mix.
13) Vixen: Metal is a man's man's man's world--even if they did it by specializing in looking like women. It's also an ironic world. Since only--who?--Girlschool, Heart, Lita Ford, Bitch and Vixen come to mind when thinking of fine female metalists. (Joan Jett was always more of a punk.) Just to add insult to injury, freakin' Richard Marx wrote their hit "Edge Of A Broken Heart." Richard Marx?
12) Scorpions: I leave these good Germans to represent all the hard rockers (Rainbow, Dio, Judas Priest...) who were less about the hair and platform shoes but still managed to entertain the masses with very loud guitars turned to 11 and anthems that required singers trained in vibrato and operatic arias. "Rock You Like A Hurricane" may be their most known tune, but "Blackout" and "No One Like You" deserve to be put in the time capsule as well--if only for their great approximation of the English language.
11) Cinderella: Cinderella were the one glam band who started making other plans before the bottom fell out. They'd mastered the pop metal genre with Long Cold Winter but with Heartbreak Station were already finding their way back to their Stones-like roots, so when the trends shifted they wouldn't be left looking backdated. Yet, it didn't work out. Singer Tom Keifer suffered throat surgeries that put the band on hiatus for the early '90s and effectively stalled their momentum. And they really were better at pop metal than blues.
10) Twisted Sister: They deserve to be here for their videos alone. Sure, they were obvious and crass. Their tunes were juvenile and filled with self-parodic rage. They weren't going to take it. And if it I knew what "it" actually was, I probably wouldn't take "it" either.
9) Spinal Tap: Yes, and there's also no Santa Claus. You say Spinal Tap aren't real? Is "Big Bottom" not really a song? Is "Stonehenge" not a hard rock classic? Was keyboardist Viv Savage not the great unsung member of the group? "Have a good time all of the time" is as profound a philosophy as anything by that Nietzsche guy. And if Bobbi Fleckman and the rest of the label had promoted them properly they would never have landed in the "Where Are They Now?" pile.
8) Motley Crue: Mick Mars may be the creepiest looking guy in music--and that's saying something. And Tommy Lee may only be "lovable" to women who regularly appear in centerfolds. But I wasn't planning on inviting these guys to dinner. On some level, you expect to hear that your rock stars do not behave like choir boys or even decent human beings. Whether they drink the blood of goats or indulge in enough recreational narcotics to have a poppy field named after them, it goes with the territory. Their greatest sin isn't heroin, it's their inherent corniness.
7) Ozzy Osbourne: With Black Sabbath, Ozzy Osbourne invented the glorious sludge end of heavy metal. On his own, he discovered a guitar player named Randy Rhodes who resuscitated Ozz's career at a critical juncture and set the bar for the rest of the ‘80s. Even Osbourne himself couldn't match up to his first two solo albums. And while he's known to an entire generation of kids as that guy with the wacked-out family, he'll always be known to me as that guy with that wacked-out voice. Has any singer ever sounded so on the constant verge of self-combustion?
6) Kiss: This is a tough one. Because technically Kiss were at their best in the 1970s when they were a complete circus act. By the time the ‘80s rolled around and they switched members and dropped the face paint, they hit and mostly missed. Then again trying to explain to someone why "Firehouse" and "Love Gun" are genius and "Let's Put the X in Sex" is not requires a level of intricate logic that only a true Kiss fan can explain and/ or understand.
5) Aerosmith: Aerosmith were supposedly done. By 1983, their two guitar players were gone and they were barely a band. Their success in the 1970s was nothing more than a hangover. But then they reformed in every way. Got straight. Worked with professional songwriters who knew their way with a hit and the lead singer even had a daughter he could put in the videos so it wouldn't just be a bunch of ugly old dudes. And it worked. And suddenly a guy old enough to be your dad (and my dad) was kicking the butts of people 20 years younger. On paper, this is wrong and even impossible. But apparently these guys dig beating odds--and hiring out when they have to.
4) Def Leppard: Their producer, Robert John "Mutt" Lange, deserves to stand alongside them. These English lads knew a thing or two about writing catchy tunes when they first arrived on the scene, but it was their apprenticeship with Lange that led to the meticulously crafted pop-metal that defined the era and put these guys a solid foot if not yard ahead of their competition. Others tried to copy them and ended up with corporate sounding, lifeless junk. These boys found a way around that where that was the point.
3) New York Dolls: Every ‘80s hair-metal band owes a debt to David Johansen, Johnny Thunders and the rest of the crew, for the lipstick, for the hair, for the clothes and sometimes even the riffs. Mocked in their time--but loved by the critics--they couldn't hold it together. Because dysfunction drives the music. If musicians were normal, they'd get day jobs and be done with it.
2) Van Halen: Not really glam in the traditional sense, Van Halen with David Lee Roth at the helm were the flashiest dudes on the scene. Punks mocked them, but Roth was always in on the joke. He knew he was being absurd. Of course, reams have been written on Eddie Van Halen's guitar prowess. But what really drives this band is the chemistry of the band itself. The rhythms are virtually jazz, the guitar licks are avant-garde and DLR's sense of scream pure camp. They put the blues in a blender and made it shake. And have you seen junior's grades?
1) Guns n' Roses: Appetite For Destruction ensured this volatile bunch of ne'er-do-wells their place in hair-metal history. (And Axl was pretty quick to tone down the aqua-net.) Combining punk, metal and pop in one slamming freight train, Guns n' Roses in one brief flicker of tension jumped to the head of the class and apparently will spend the rest of their days doing other things. Even if Chinese Democracy ever does surface, who will really think of it as the work of Guns n' Roses? Without Slash? Without Izzy? Without Duff? It's like getting a peanut-butter cup with no chocolate, no peanut butter and only an oily rapper.
The 25 Worst Hair Metal Bands
Deciding the 25 Best Hair Metal Bands is an exercise that provides a few laughs, some decent tunes, an appalling video here and there, and gets you kind comments from readers who feel a swelling in their hearts when they see their favorite overlooked band being acknowledged for their efforts.
Picking the 25 Worst Bands is an exercise that provides a few laughs, very few decent tunes, many appalling videos and angry comments from readers who feel a sudden need to beat my opinionated head into the ground. And for those who think I should stick to what I know: no one at Y! Music wanted my blog on the finest varieties of Irish Soda Bread or my expertise on bagpipe music (that's Scottish, by the way).
Wasn't it Spinal Tap who said it was a fine line between clever and stupid? Well, sometimes you can't even find the line. You just have to go with your gut and call it. Why one band sounds incredible and in command doing practically the exact same thing as another band who sound putrid and horrid is one of life's deep mysteries. It's just like how some people--like me--were born ugly and stupid and must spend the rest of eternity trying to make others feel bad about themselves and their accomplishments.
So with that little bit o' psychotherapy off my back, let's discuss the 25 Worst Hair Metal Bands of All-Time!
25) Mr. Big: One of the hard truths about a band is that no matter how many "stars" or "players" it has, it still has to deliver beyond an individual's reputation. Billy Sheehan and Paul Gilbert are two admirable musicians, experts on their instruments. But in order to be a commercial success, despite all their shredding, they had to strike--and you'll see this sad trend play out often in this genre--with an acoustic tune, "To Be With You," and that's plain wrong.
24) Y&T: These guys were around forever, putting out their debut album in the 1970s and somehow finding their groove during the '80s metal years. Granted, they named an album Ten, a full two years before Pearl Jam, so I guess we could call them influential. But staring at their oeuvre, the word "forgettable" seems to more easily apply.
23) Bang Tango: They tried. But L.A. had a lot of bands to choose from and while I could've advised the band not to sign to MCA, who even Lynyrd Skynyrd managed to write a song against, these earnest, eager, hungry boys gave it a shot with albums such as Psycho Café and Dancin' On Coals. They just couldn't get their hairspray to stick out of the crowd.
22) Shotgun Messiah: From Sweden, so maybe some things get lost in translation. Their singer sure could scream. I remember that. But they could never settle on a line-up or an identity, sounding like an imitation of RATT one album and then Guns n' Roses the next. Tim Skold turned the band towards industrial music before joining up with KMFDM and MDFMK and--tired of all the initials--then began playing bass for Marilyn Manson.
21) Lizzy Borden: In retrospect, these guys weren't so much bad as indistinguishable from the many other talents of their era. They didn't overplay any more than usual and they never had a singer who made you want to jump out of a moving vehicle. And that's what's really wrong here. Lizzy Borden evoke no reaction whatsoever. You might as well be listening to air.
20) Trixter: The glam metal band from New Jersey who weren't related to Bon Jovi. It might have helped. Word is they're coming back in 2008. I guess the Puppet Show at Six Flags is in need of an opening act this year. What Trixter lacked in originality--they had tunes named "Surrender" (not a Cheap Trick cover) and "One In A Million" (not the Guns n' Roses tune)--they made up for with, well, their lack of originality.
19) Danger Danger: While it's admirable that these hard rockers from Queens had a concept, I'm not sure that repeating everything twice is a good concept. But sure enough, songs like "Naughty Naughty" and "Bang Bang" do what they set out to do and fulfill the "legacy" of the band's name. They're another band threatening a comeback. To which we say "No No," "Stop Stop."
18) Autograph: One of the earlier L.A. hair metal bands, Autograph had their hit "Turn Up The Radio" featured in an episode of Miami Vice and the band made a cameo in a Dudley Moore-Kirk Cameron film called Like Father Like Son, which did about as well as it should have. Sometimes there is justice in the universe. Just not that often.
17) Dokken: Formed in the 1970s, these heavy metal lifers, after a few years of false starts, finally got to consistently make records in the 1980s just in time to be too late. Or is that too old? Youth culture can be cruel if you're not Ozzy Osbourne--then you're just grandpa. As for Don Dokken, no matter how many hits he has--and he's had quite a few--he still ends up being everyone else's opening act. And that tells us something.
16) Bulletboys: This Naples, Florida ensemble (crap, they originated in, what, a retirement village?) got compared to Van Halen because they used the same producer and their singer liked to whoop and holler like prime-time David Lee. So, great--why not just form a Van Halen tribute band and rake in some real money?
15) Lita Ford: The Runaways provided some great trashy rock 'n' roll, but Ford's '80s output just smacks of over-processed cheese. And why is it that when these hard rockers finally team up with other hard rockers, in Lita's case Ozzy Osbourne, it's for a freakin' ballad? (That would be "Close My Eyes Forever.") If you're going to duet on a ballad, call Barry Manilow!
14) Stryper: Christian Metal is just wrong, and quite possibly an oxymoron. I suppose you could say it's more rebellious since it rebels against the traditional concept of rebellion. But then that would make activities such as mowing the lawn, doing the dishes and getting a haircut all part of a Satanic plot. I go with that King Of The Hill show that, when confronted with a Christian rock band, laid it out straight with something like this: you're not making Christianity better, you're making rock n' roll worse.
13) Great White: Even before the great fire in that small Rhode Island club that stained whatever legacy they'd aimed for, Great White were responsible for bland, routine glam metal that screwed up a perfectly good Ian Hunter song in "Once Bitten, Twice Shy." The band has also suffered enough line-up changes that even their founder Jack Russell has taken to calling different line-ups "Fake White."
12) Slaughter: Never trust bands that form after so many other bands have already succeeded with the same formula. You can't blame Mark Slaughter for starting his own band. Everyone knows that being the singer in a band means you're as important as the guitar player--even if that guitar player is Vinnie Vincent and you're part of his "Invasion"--and you should capitalize on it by maintaining ultimate lead singer dominance at all costs.
11) Giuffria: ‘70s goofy glam boys Angel were a sight to behold and if someone had to guess who from that band would succeed on their own, chances are the smart money would've been on Punky Meadows and not keyboardist Greg Giuffria. Yet, it was Greg who put together this unrocking set of dudes and a tune called "Call To The Heart" that was their only real hit. They stopped soon after. Merci!
10) White Lion: So this is what it sounds like "When the Children Cry." Their first label rejected their debut album. And now singer Mike Tramp is planning on a new record and tour with a completely new version of the band. I suppose somebody will notice this. Who does he think he is, Axl Rose?
9) Damn Yankees: Gee, Tommy Shaw of Styx and Ted Nugent of Ted Nugent form a band and it's not very good? How could that possibly happen? Who screwed this up? I mean, according to Ted Nugent, he's great. And who wouldn't believe Ted Nugent? After all, he had a hit in 1977, so he's right up there with Debby Boone and Dr. Buzzard's Original Savannah Band. Actually "High Enough" was a huge hit. Enough to make your head hurt. Where'd I put the Head-On?
8) Warrant: How many forms of wretched can one band deliver? Well, if "Heaven" isn't enough for you, there's always a little "Cherry Pie" to go along with it on the side. Power ballads! Crappy stadium anthems! And guest spots from the guys in Danger Danger and Poison! It's like a recipe straight from Rachael Ray.
7) Bad English: A "supergroup" with guys from Journey and John Waite! And a hit song--"When I See You Smile"--written by the ultimate "professional" songwriter Diane "Un-break My Heart" Warren. Well, then, who needs rock n' roll when you have true media professionals providing the entertainment? Even Waite admitted to not enjoying his time in this corporate rock monolith! Not really music, but an incredible simulation!
6) Europe: What does it tell you about a band when their most successful album, in Europe's case The Final Countdown, inspires its guitar player to leave? Millions buy the album. Radio and TV play the song and video and the people who create it question what the hell they're doing. The guitarist in question did eventually return--but only years later, when I guess he ran out of other things to do.
5) Whitesnake: Whitesnake were around for so long that we're ignoring their decade as a blues band to focus on their decade as a vehicle for the dissemination of once-upon-a-wife Tawny Kitaen videos. Singer David Coverdale got so tired of being compared to Led Zeppelin's Robert Plant that he signed up with Zep's Jimmy Page and formed the imaginatively titled Coverdale-Page. When that didn't go so well, Page re-found Robert Plant and Coverdale re-found Whitesnake. Reality TV re-found Tawny. This is starting to sound Biblical.
4) W.A.S.P.: "We Are Sexual Perverts"? "We Are So Perfect"? "We Ain't Sure, Pal"? "We Are (expletive deleted) Performers"? Coming from the same scene as Motley Crue, RATT and Quiet Riot, W.A.S.P. excelled at being the "least good" of the batch. For their efforts, they were razzed by the Parents Music Resource Center, a group of Washington Wives who would've made an even worse band had they picked up instruments. Tipper Gore, contrary to speculation, was no Tawny Kitaen.
3) Extreme: "More Than Words" may be the dullest song in the English language. And it's had plenty of competition. How uninspired a singer is Extreme vocalist Gary Cherone? Well, he joined Van Halen and made people miss Sammy Hagar.
2) Skid Row: The only advantage of listening to Sebastian Bach sing is that it means he isn't talking. If Ozzy wasn't Ozzy, he'd be on this list, too, since anyone who has ever been considered a "celebrity" of any kind who agrees to be on a reality TV show is telling the world their career is in the toilet. I mean, look at the company you're joining? Peter Brady? Dave Navarro? Emmanuel Lewis?
1) Poison: Why? Do you have to ask? For "Unskinny Bop." For "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." For "Nothin' But a Good Time." For a cover of "Your Mama Don't Dance," already one of the worst songs of all time, even before Poison touched it. Have you ever heard Rikki Rockett or C.C. DeVille speak? Have you listened to these albums? They've sold over 25 million albums? And Bret Michaels still needs to do a reality TV show? Great, he's no longer the singer of a band but an understudy for Flavor Flav.
Thoughts?? I can hear mcmahan complaining now... (smirk)