I'm the most ambitious person I know.
I am knight. To hold you and to release you, to protect myself so that I can be myself, in front of so much of my past manifested in new ways. People think they are unique because they choose what is different to them, because they act in a manner unexpected of them, instead of in a manner befitting of them. I look for people to connect with, and in some distant place, maybe I will fall in love with just one once more. But I am knight, still, to stand here and protect you, and then fight you. I am a knight, still, to believe in the magic of love, and that sometimes the magic is enough, even if it's effervescence is a moment that flashes beyond my grasp. I challenge myself every day. Does it exist in the way that I do? Am I a sliver of energy within a jet stream of delusion? Or am I a person, with an arm, a hand, and a palm to feel you with? The answer, in truth, is both.
I used to believe it was my strength that took me away from the people who hurt me. And, in a sense, it was. But my true strength came later, when I chose to live my life regardless. Sometimes I think back to moments I walked down the street feeling more than deflated, feeling destroyed, and wondering how it is that I could've even faced him. Maybe the drive itself was a bit of a delusion, but then, is it so wrong, if it saved me.
I let go of you because I didn't want to be hurt. I said it was because I didn't want to hurt you, and I don't. But in truth, I didn't want to hear you say those words. And I didn't want to see the way your eyes would glisten, or the way your face changed shape, or the way your lips would purse and the sound of my voice. In truth, I didn't want to hear what you had to say, even if you were the gentlest prince, and the sweetest man. I couldn't bear it, I just couldn't. And I'd cry not because I was weak, but because it hurt anyways. It hurt in the same way it would ever hurt. The difference was that it didn't come from you.
It's like I'm there. In this moment. With you, and him, and him, and him. And you all have this image of me, this perception. And you all have this betrayal of me, this unspoken, unchanged thing. And the only constant is my ability to remain. My ability to exist still, within myself, as a living, breathing, spark of light. As a creative, vibrant, colourful artist. As an empathetic, emotionally invested human being. And regardless of all that I have to offer, and regardless of the deserts I've crossed; I just don't fit. It's all around me and I just don't fit.
I used to believe it was my strength that took me away from the people who hurt me. And, in a sense, it was. But my true strength came later, when I chose to live my life regardless. Sometimes I think back to moments I walked down the street feeling more than deflated, feeling destroyed, and wondering how it is that I could've even faced him. Maybe the drive itself was a bit of a delusion, but then, is it so wrong, if it saved me.
I let go of you because I didn't want to be hurt. I said it was because I didn't want to hurt you, and I don't. But in truth, I didn't want to hear you say those words. And I didn't want to see the way your eyes would glisten, or the way your face changed shape, or the way your lips would purse and the sound of my voice. In truth, I didn't want to hear what you had to say, even if you were the gentlest prince, and the sweetest man. I couldn't bear it, I just couldn't. And I'd cry not because I was weak, but because it hurt anyways. It hurt in the same way it would ever hurt. The difference was that it didn't come from you.
It's like I'm there. In this moment. With you, and him, and him, and him. And you all have this image of me, this perception. And you all have this betrayal of me, this unspoken, unchanged thing. And the only constant is my ability to remain. My ability to exist still, within myself, as a living, breathing, spark of light. As a creative, vibrant, colourful artist. As an empathetic, emotionally invested human being. And regardless of all that I have to offer, and regardless of the deserts I've crossed; I just don't fit. It's all around me and I just don't fit.