They all tell me to be strong.
They are so lucky, all of them, to have someone that can hold them, and that can touch them, in such a loving way. How wonderful for them, to feel that someone else, this other being, has care for them. Has even love for them. That warmth, that lingering connection, even if unstable, even if unsure. That small something. And no, this is not because Valentine's Day is coming up, and no, this is not about fleeting love affairs, that casual encounter, or the physical release.
Ever since I was a little boy I used to dream of these simple things, but I grew up believing that I probably wouldn't ever find it, or have it, or feel it. I could not wrap my head around the idea of someone actually loving me; someone who was like me, someone who looked like me. I accepted my twisted perception of love as an impossible dream. It was only a couple of years ago, when I drastically changed my professional path, that I started to change slowly into someone who lived only to search for his own true potential, only to grow; perhaps climaxing just last year, when I moved out and began to live. But every now and then, that sting of knowing all those I chased, all those I had more than simple feelings for, since the very beginning, could not share them; and the dream of reciprocated affection fell away from me. Every-single-one. And sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks, that reminder. And it's terrible, because there are so many that are so lucky and don't realize it, so many that still take those feelings for granted. When some of us have only longed for even a glimmer of it, even a mere, momentary mention of it. It hits me like a ton of bricks, and I have to hurt.
Tonight, I hurt.
Ever since I was a little boy I used to dream of these simple things, but I grew up believing that I probably wouldn't ever find it, or have it, or feel it. I could not wrap my head around the idea of someone actually loving me; someone who was like me, someone who looked like me. I accepted my twisted perception of love as an impossible dream. It was only a couple of years ago, when I drastically changed my professional path, that I started to change slowly into someone who lived only to search for his own true potential, only to grow; perhaps climaxing just last year, when I moved out and began to live. But every now and then, that sting of knowing all those I chased, all those I had more than simple feelings for, since the very beginning, could not share them; and the dream of reciprocated affection fell away from me. Every-single-one. And sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks, that reminder. And it's terrible, because there are so many that are so lucky and don't realize it, so many that still take those feelings for granted. When some of us have only longed for even a glimmer of it, even a mere, momentary mention of it. It hits me like a ton of bricks, and I have to hurt.
Tonight, I hurt.