expectations
Demon's Lexicon fic! (And there are epic, epic spoilers for the ending). It is about little!Alan because little!Alan was clearly a completely deranged child, and what's not to love about that?
Demon's Lexicon belongs to Sarah Rees Brennan, and not to me at all, at all.
sae , this one's for you. XD
Expectations
The question, Alan thought, was what did Nick want?
What did Nick want?
If Alan were a demon in a little boy’s body, what would he want?
He was usually pretty good at putting himself in somebody else’s shoes, but this was stretching. And Nick’s face didn’t give him any clues. Well, obviously it didn’t, Nick probably didn’t really know how to use it. A human face.
Alan wondered what that would be like. To have a body that didn’t properly feel like yours. It had to be really, really confusing.
“Would you like toast, Nick?”
Nick turned toward the bread. He knew what toast was, obviously. Dad didn’t believe it, but Nick knew a lot of things. That wasn’t the question.
The question was, what did he want?
The last person Alan had taken care of was Mum, and that had been easier, in some ways. He’d had Dad to help him then, for one thing. Now Dad had to take care of Olivia, so he couldn’t help with Nick.
(I’m sorry, Alan. Dad must have said it a thousand times. He said it when Mum got sick; he said it again when she died. When Olivia came. When he gave Nick to Alan. Sorry, sorry, sorry.)
It had been easy to know what Mum wanted. Alan had brought her food and told her stories and brushed her hair, and she’d smiled, she’d thanked him.
(Because I lived until today, I got to see you grow.)
It hadn’t helped. Alan hadn’t helped at all, even though he’d done everything she wanted. She’d still died.
“This is jam. I wonder if you like jam? I’ll put some on, in case you do.”
Nick wasn’t going to die. Even if nothing Alan did ever helped, Nick wasn’t going to die of it. They had plenty of time. Alan could try over and over and over again, and no matter how many times he got it wrong, it wouldn’t hurt Nick. He wasn’t ever going to let anything hurt his little brother.
And maybe someday, if Alan tried hard enough, Nick would decide to talk. If he talked, then Dad would see it was worth trying. That he didn’t have to give up on Alan this time. This time was going to be different.
“You don’t have to eat the toast if you don’t like it, you know. I’ll still love you if you don’t like toast.”
It would be easier if Nick talked, but Alan didn’t need him to. It was okay if he didn’t want to.
The only thing Alan needed Nick to be was alive.