Order
Let me start off by saying:
I MISSED YOU!!!
So much, you've no idea. That being said, it's been a while, and a lot has changed. I graduated high school, saw my little sister (who is a hoot and a fucking half btw) for the first time in about ten years, applied for this upcoming college semester, and finally got clean. Wherein lies the reason for what I say next. Like the cut text says, PLEASE feel free to skip it. This is the second time I've up and left you guys without warning, so I have no right whining to you my first day back.
After I got off the speed, I gained at LEAST 50 lbs (it's ridiculously hard to admit that, I've always lied about my weight over LJ when it's gotten this out of hand). It's like I'd forgotten what hunger was, what food tasted like. It felt like I hadn't eaten in the two and a half years I'd been using. Which isn't that far of a stretch.
But that's not to say recovery hasn't been great to me. My parents aren't so disappointed anymore, the OCD, paranoia and hallucinations have almost completely subsided, and I feel in control of my life for the first time in a long time. Mostly because, after the weight gain got to the point where I'd break out in a sweat just from showering, I got back into an old mindset.
Today I had two cups of black coffee, a small smoothie, a sandwich sans anything but lunchmeat, some canned peaches, and a mug full of cubed cheese. I purged all of it and then worked out for three hours.
I have never felt this good.
For most people, an eating disorder means, well, disorder. For me, it's always been a key component to the highest points of my life. Not that I'm in any way condoning it, as it leads to everything from shit self-esteem to gastro-intestinal problems. It's just that, right now, all that feels worth it.
What've you guys been up to?
I MISSED YOU!!!
So much, you've no idea. That being said, it's been a while, and a lot has changed. I graduated high school, saw my little sister (who is a hoot and a fucking half btw) for the first time in about ten years, applied for this upcoming college semester, and finally got clean. Wherein lies the reason for what I say next. Like the cut text says, PLEASE feel free to skip it. This is the second time I've up and left you guys without warning, so I have no right whining to you my first day back.
After I got off the speed, I gained at LEAST 50 lbs (it's ridiculously hard to admit that, I've always lied about my weight over LJ when it's gotten this out of hand). It's like I'd forgotten what hunger was, what food tasted like. It felt like I hadn't eaten in the two and a half years I'd been using. Which isn't that far of a stretch.
But that's not to say recovery hasn't been great to me. My parents aren't so disappointed anymore, the OCD, paranoia and hallucinations have almost completely subsided, and I feel in control of my life for the first time in a long time. Mostly because, after the weight gain got to the point where I'd break out in a sweat just from showering, I got back into an old mindset.
Today I had two cups of black coffee, a small smoothie, a sandwich sans anything but lunchmeat, some canned peaches, and a mug full of cubed cheese. I purged all of it and then worked out for three hours.
I have never felt this good.
For most people, an eating disorder means, well, disorder. For me, it's always been a key component to the highest points of my life. Not that I'm in any way condoning it, as it leads to everything from shit self-esteem to gastro-intestinal problems. It's just that, right now, all that feels worth it.
What've you guys been up to?