i could easily be here...easily..
i wonder...if i held my heart in one hand...my mind in the other..which would fall quicker? they're both so filled with everything..mom asked me today if i would be willing to put my mamma up for a while. i didn't really say anything..she said probably not really. then tried reassuring me that she would be alright. she said she'd call me if she got really desperate. i felt like a sack of shit after that. i wouldn't mind her staying with me..i just don't want her boyfriend here. and if i told her he could not stay...she would not come either. so all around no one really wins.
man i have some mom issues. i wish i could just have one memory..or two..of a period in time (longer than 5 seconds) when i felt completely okay and happy..maybe even a little proud of my mom. it sucks when you think of your mom and you have to strain your brain for some thought of the good times. i don't really have those. it was good for a little bit...but there was always something. and sometimes it wasn't her fault. i guess you can't help being in love with someone who beats you until you almost die, one time too many is an understatement. for some reason i understood that...in a way. i kind of did it too...except it wasn't physical abuse. is there some kind of abuse involving massive cheating and staying with that person? you love the person you know they could be..or use to be..or should be. sometimes they can be wonderful. othertimes they can be your worst nightmare. but it's hard to walk away from a heart you know so well...it's just hard to walk away. how does she always fall into these situations? i am so afraid of ending up like that. that is part of the reason i beat myself up so much about not going back to school yet. but i would be there if i had a vehicle...i would most definetly. i would find a way to pay off loans...i just need a damn car. lol..and i'm 21...still no car...no license...my mom 48...no car...no license. see any resembalance? oh oh my...what can you do..
man i have some mom issues. i wish i could just have one memory..or two..of a period in time (longer than 5 seconds) when i felt completely okay and happy..maybe even a little proud of my mom. it sucks when you think of your mom and you have to strain your brain for some thought of the good times. i don't really have those. it was good for a little bit...but there was always something. and sometimes it wasn't her fault. i guess you can't help being in love with someone who beats you until you almost die, one time too many is an understatement. for some reason i understood that...in a way. i kind of did it too...except it wasn't physical abuse. is there some kind of abuse involving massive cheating and staying with that person? you love the person you know they could be..or use to be..or should be. sometimes they can be wonderful. othertimes they can be your worst nightmare. but it's hard to walk away from a heart you know so well...it's just hard to walk away. how does she always fall into these situations? i am so afraid of ending up like that. that is part of the reason i beat myself up so much about not going back to school yet. but i would be there if i had a vehicle...i would most definetly. i would find a way to pay off loans...i just need a damn car. lol..and i'm 21...still no car...no license...my mom 48...no car...no license. see any resembalance? oh oh my...what can you do..