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Matt Damon's engaged... and has just bought a 10 million dollar house on Miami Beach. Cillian Murphy's married and apparently, you're not allowed to get a divorce in Ireland. So... I'm officially screwed, right? Adam told me to maybe not go for movie stars anymore, but that didn't seem like sound advice. See, if I went for a normal guy, say someone I know who lives in my area, ect, ect, then I might actually have a real relationship. And who wants that?
Seriously, though. I've been talking to this guy on AIM. He's nice, whatever. Lives in Longwood. Everytime I sign on, he immediately ims me. It's getting kind of annoying. He's made it known he likes me and is interested in hanging out with me when I move back up. But I'm not feeling it. The most interest he shows, the more I'm just not into it.
It's getting really crappy, you know? I feel like I could see a hundred guys a day and maybe there'll be one I'm attracted to. One. If that. And I don't know if that's Miami or just the world in general. But I feel like a little lone soldier out there, braving the great giant world with no one by my side. And of course I have friends and family and what not. But you know what I mean. There's a different connection. I feel like I'm fading away in my little Miami cell. That's why I get so antsy. Because I know whatever I do here, right now, it won't matter. Sure, I can write more of my book and probably will as I'm still here, considering the damn thing is set in Miami, and perhaps that's the whole reason for this year. But I'm not trying to find a real job anymore. I'm not trying to make it in Miami with the intention of living here for a prolonged period. I'm moving. I know I'm moving and I feel like there's nothing left. I feel like another chapter in my life is coming to a close. And it's a big chapter. Graduating from high school (Lorraine's early years) marked the close of the first chapter. Graduating from college (Lorraine's college years) marked the second. This one is the third. That's how big this is for me. Maybe I'll call it Lorraine's Lost years, because I think that would best sum it up. Although I can't really be sure I'll be anymore found in the years to come. It just seems like I've spent the last three years out of college floundering around, going from one idea to the next and not really being satisfied with anything. And what do I have to show for it? Not a single meaningful relationship, not a successful run at a job (as in finding something I'm passionate about and can make money at). I don't have much more to show except three more years of experience living out in the real world. And from what I've experienced, I don't like it much. I'll be honest with you, because by now I've figured most of you have stopped reading, I can't see myself living my life this way. If this is life, if this is how it is for people, I can't do it. I'm serious. What's the point? What's the point in going to a worthless , meaningless job you don't want just so you can pay bills on an apartment you don't want and at the end of the day have nothing to show for it and no one there for you. You wanna know my life? Monday through Friday I go to work. I come home. Maybe I go out for a power walk. I have dinner in my apartment, by myself. I work on the computer after I shower and type to friends far away or to people I barely know. I play solitaire. Over the weekends, I go to the bookstore and a buy a book. I read it. I go back on Sunday, return it for another book. I read that one. I make beaded necklaces. I check the internet. I don't go out. I don't have anyone here. I work and when I'm not working I'm by myself. No one calls me unless I call them. No one emails me. I can't go to clubs because that's even more depressing. It's no wonder I write and fantasize about these worlds that don't exist. I do that to make up, just a little bit, for my misery in this one. All I've wanted for years now is to go off to some house in the woods of Austria and write stories for people, but mainly for myself. I want to go away and forget this world and what we've made it. I want little or nothing to do with it. I've almost concluded that I would rather live alone and not be with anyone than try to find something real. Reality is not my strong point.
Seriously, though. I've been talking to this guy on AIM. He's nice, whatever. Lives in Longwood. Everytime I sign on, he immediately ims me. It's getting kind of annoying. He's made it known he likes me and is interested in hanging out with me when I move back up. But I'm not feeling it. The most interest he shows, the more I'm just not into it.
It's getting really crappy, you know? I feel like I could see a hundred guys a day and maybe there'll be one I'm attracted to. One. If that. And I don't know if that's Miami or just the world in general. But I feel like a little lone soldier out there, braving the great giant world with no one by my side. And of course I have friends and family and what not. But you know what I mean. There's a different connection. I feel like I'm fading away in my little Miami cell. That's why I get so antsy. Because I know whatever I do here, right now, it won't matter. Sure, I can write more of my book and probably will as I'm still here, considering the damn thing is set in Miami, and perhaps that's the whole reason for this year. But I'm not trying to find a real job anymore. I'm not trying to make it in Miami with the intention of living here for a prolonged period. I'm moving. I know I'm moving and I feel like there's nothing left. I feel like another chapter in my life is coming to a close. And it's a big chapter. Graduating from high school (Lorraine's early years) marked the close of the first chapter. Graduating from college (Lorraine's college years) marked the second. This one is the third. That's how big this is for me. Maybe I'll call it Lorraine's Lost years, because I think that would best sum it up. Although I can't really be sure I'll be anymore found in the years to come. It just seems like I've spent the last three years out of college floundering around, going from one idea to the next and not really being satisfied with anything. And what do I have to show for it? Not a single meaningful relationship, not a successful run at a job (as in finding something I'm passionate about and can make money at). I don't have much more to show except three more years of experience living out in the real world. And from what I've experienced, I don't like it much. I'll be honest with you, because by now I've figured most of you have stopped reading, I can't see myself living my life this way. If this is life, if this is how it is for people, I can't do it. I'm serious. What's the point? What's the point in going to a worthless , meaningless job you don't want just so you can pay bills on an apartment you don't want and at the end of the day have nothing to show for it and no one there for you. You wanna know my life? Monday through Friday I go to work. I come home. Maybe I go out for a power walk. I have dinner in my apartment, by myself. I work on the computer after I shower and type to friends far away or to people I barely know. I play solitaire. Over the weekends, I go to the bookstore and a buy a book. I read it. I go back on Sunday, return it for another book. I read that one. I make beaded necklaces. I check the internet. I don't go out. I don't have anyone here. I work and when I'm not working I'm by myself. No one calls me unless I call them. No one emails me. I can't go to clubs because that's even more depressing. It's no wonder I write and fantasize about these worlds that don't exist. I do that to make up, just a little bit, for my misery in this one. All I've wanted for years now is to go off to some house in the woods of Austria and write stories for people, but mainly for myself. I want to go away and forget this world and what we've made it. I want little or nothing to do with it. I've almost concluded that I would rather live alone and not be with anyone than try to find something real. Reality is not my strong point.