(Untitled)

[kileaiya]

Title: Of Wicked Ways and Ferris Wheels
Prompts: Thing: Leg Locker Curse//Location: A Fairground or Carnival//Day: A day of giving//Genre: Action/Adventure
Characters: Nymphadora Tonks, Remus Lupin
Pairings: Nymphadora Tonks/Remus Lupin Friendship
Word count: 1,590
Rating: PG, maybe PG-13 to be safe
Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me; I’m

Comments

[sea_thoughts]

I liked the idea of Remus and Tonks going to a Muggle fairground for a date and Tonks 'challenging' Remus to get her a teddy. The dialogue was nice and playful and the storyline rang true. However, I did notice a few mistakes that I couldn't ignore. The word 'Muggle' is always capitalised, whether it's being used as a noun or an adjective. The preterite of 'to drag' is 'dragged', not 'drug'. 'Drug' is purely a noun. That did tend to pull me out of the story. It was fun to read, just needed a little tightening up where grammar was concerned.

[kileaiya]

Thank you. I always forget about drug and dragged. >.< I went through and capitalized every use of the word Muggle. I appreciate the corrections, and I’m glad that you enjoyed the story in spite of the mistakes.

[sea_thoughts]

You're welcome, I'm glad you didn't take offence. It's always a risk.

[kileaiya]

Oh, no I'm always glad to have people point out mistakes! It helps me to improve.

[mrstater]

This is a fun little that makes excellent use of the prompts and shows a strong sense of characterization.

You've got some really hilarious lines. Both of these made me laugh out loud:

“Ha! If you’re innocent, I’m a graceful swan and Mad-Eye is a male model.”

and

“Yeah,” Remus replied sarcastically, “a veritable cornucopia of joy.”It's always fun to see the lighter side of Remus and Tonks, and catching a crooked carnie is a creative way to do it

[kileaiya]

Thank you!

I wasn't quite happy with the action scene, I felt it lacking, and think you've pinpointed exactly what it was lacking. Maybe I'll rework it, and in my next a/a story I will definitely think more about their thoughts and such during the action scenes.

[mrstater]

Action sequences are really difficult to capture, so you're not alone there by any means. Really - you've got the structure for it right here: She took off after Archer, Remus hot on her heels. They weaved and swerved through the crowd, Tonks managed to trip only once over the various debris, and before long they had caught up to the fraud. It wouldn't need much other than a little more detail: a particular person in the crowd someone bumps into or has to swerve to avoid, only to run into a bin instead; keeping an eye on the fraud, only to look back at Tonks and see her tripping over the concrete, then look back and search the crowd of people for the fraud's coat or jumper.

Not sure if any of that made sense, and I'm probably saying things you'd already worked out for yourself. But just a thought I had. :)

[kileaiya]

It makes perfect sense. I'm going to work on it, I already have an idea of how to expand it. :) It'll be nice practice for me if nothing else.

[kerrymdb]

How fun! I always love reading stories that put them in the Muggle world. Since they're both half-bloods, one just has to think they have experience dealing with it.

There's just something priceless about an evil, scheming, wizarding carnie. Love it!

Very nice use of your prompts. I hope Remus is able to get Tonks a teddy in the end. ;)

[kileaiya]

The wizard carnie seems to be a popular fella, I wonder if I could work him into another story somehow. Tehe. Thank you for your comment, I am glad you enjoyed the story.

[molly_coddles]

What a way to add excitement to a day at a carnival: pursuit and capture.

I kept thinking it would be funny for Remus to take her blatant hints at wanting a teddy as a cue for him to him to procure her a racy negligee. ;)

Transfiguration would be such fun...

[kileaiya]

Ok, now I have to write a sequel and it must involve Remus getting Tonks a negligee. Because that would just be too funny.

[jncar]

This was a fun little romp. I always like seeing Remus and Tonks in happier times.

So maybe this is why I never win at carnival games--they're all run by crooked wizards!

[kileaiya]

Thanks! I always enjoy a story where Remus and Tonks get to have a day of from angst as well.

Oddly enough the dart toss is the only game I ever manage to win anything at, well that at the game where you shoot corks from fake rifles at cups.