(Untitled)

Jul 19, 2007 16:34

Title: Starry, Starry Night.
Author:
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romance, last chance full moon showdown, katyhasclogs

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lady_bracknell July 23 2007, 14:00:49 UTC
Ok, here they are (but feel free to delete this if you want once you've read it):

Several goblins from the Egyptian office of Gringotts had been and signals on the Muggle rail network had been sent haywire, causing gridlock all over England and puzzling engineers from Berwick to Plymouth, though fatalities had, mercifully, been avoided

It reads to me like there should be more after ‘ Gringotts had been’

They had spent the evening having dinner at the Weasleys house

You need an apostrophe somewhere - I'd suggest leave it at: 'at the Weasley's', unless you meant 'at the Weasley house'?

There had also been a heated argument two weeks before, between Mrs Weasley and Ron, after he announced that he wouldn’t be returning to Hogwarts the next year,whether the school opened or not, but would (along with Hermione) be accompanying Harry while he completed his mysterious task

You’ve missed a space after 'next year'.

“In other words,” she said, “You can’t tell me.”

Stray capital y after the comma.

“Oh really? Well I’ll look forward to hearing them, then.” he said,

There’s a full stop where you need a comma.

They continued in this way for several minutes, revelling in each others warmth and the softness of lips, before breaking apart and returning to their position side by side, though much closer this time.

'Others' needs an apostrophe.

“What is it?” He asked, brushing a strand of hair from her face. “What’s bothering you?”

Stray capital H.

“No.” she said. “We can’t.”

It needs a comma rather than a full stop after ‘no’.

“What isn’t?” She asked, though he suspected she already knew what he meant.

Another stray capital. This one’s an ‘s’.

“Just to sleep.” she clarified.

Needs a comma rather than a full stop, although I'm not sure you can use 'clarified' as a speech tag. I know some people try, but I think you're normally better off with a 'said' and then an adverb, or something.

“Come on then, lets say our goodbyes, I’m knackered.”

Let’s needs an apostrophe.

“But you love me anyway?” He joked in return, almost without realising what he’d said, and the atmosphere changed very suddenly from light-hearted to extraordinarily serious.

If ‘joked’ is a speech tag, the ‘he’ doesn’t need to be a capital. Although I’m not sure you can use 'joked' as a speech tag, so I’d stick with said, and then edit the next sentence.

“So do I.” He whispered, reaching for her hand and kissing the tips of her fingers. “So do I.”

Another errent full stop before ‘he whispered’ where you need a comma.

And now I look like a total nitpicker....

*crawls away to hide*

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katyhasclogs July 23 2007, 15:43:32 UTC
*cringes at how many there are*

Oh dear, I must look totally illiterate.

Right, off to fix it. :)

Ta very much for telling me about them.

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lady_bracknell July 23 2007, 16:08:22 UTC
If it'll make you feel better, one day, I'll track changes as I edit, and you can see how many more I normally make ;).

I'm a compulsive re-reader, and they get easier to spot - I kept a tally, once, and a one-shot went through over 20 re-reads. I always preview them here and read them through - I find seeing them as something other than a Word doc helps me to spot mistakes.

And I'm not sure if you can't edit this because we've closed posting access....

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katyhasclogs July 23 2007, 15:46:03 UTC
Ok, too late, but I'll fix them before I post this anywhere else.

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