Best Served Cold
Title: Best Served Cold
Author: chococoffeekiss
Rating & Warnings: T for mild language, innuendo, and snowmen in adult situations a la Calvin and Hobbes.
Prompts: "Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business." (PoA)
Format & Word Count: Drabble (500 words)
Summary: "Christmas has exploded; it’s like a train wreck at the North Pole and I can’t look away."
Author’s Notes: This is supposed to be funny.
Sirius, if he wasn’t family and just so damn loveable, would be getting his arse kicked right now. Evidently, his cabin fever and nascent creativity converged to turn the back garden into, well, this.
Christmas has exploded; it’s like a train wreck at the North Pole, I can’t look away.
The forest of decorated trees is a nice touch, but the snowmen are… Well, I’m not fond of the creepy button eyes on the pink-wigged Nymphadora snowwoman, but the compromising and somewhat unorthodox position she has found herself in with the Remus snowman is interesting.
They say art imitates life, but I’ve always thought-
“Tonks?”
Speak of the devil and he appears; Remus Lupin, who always looks surprised and doesn’t seem to own a comb and has the best laugh ever. He shuffles onto the back step.
“Yes?”
“Have you-“ He stops abruptly and stares over my shoulder at the snow-couple who, being frozen in place, are still getting it on snowpeople-style. Bow chicka wow wow.
“That’s a move I’ve never seen before,” he says blithely, before stepping around me to unwrap the scarf from the neck of his icy doppelganger. Remus shook the snow from the scarf and put it on, then looked at me with mischief in his eyes. “I didn’t know you were into that sort of thing.”
Oh, burn. Chalk one up for Professor Lupin.
No clever retort occurred to me, and just as I thought the situation couldn’t be more awkward, Snape Apparated into the garden. All of my prayers to a pantheon of spirits didn’t keep him from opening his pestilent mouth:
“Building monuments to our depravity, are we?”
Remus said nothing, but grinned as Snivellus flapped into the house like an oversized crow.
Ah, men. Can’t live with ‘em, can’t poison them and hide the bodies in the Forbidden Forest.
“Snape needs to learn to mind his own damn business,” said I.
“He’s always had problems with that.”
We stood around watching the flakes fall until an idea hit me, one so low-down and rotten I wonder if I should have been sorted into Slytherin.
“Do you want to do something bad? And I mean really bad, cruel, and just plain sick?”
“…Does it involve carrots?” he asks, looking uneasily toward the snow-people.
__
“Hand me that courgette. Okay, now the button eyes.”
The reworking of the snow fiends to resemble my cousin and his nemesis didn’t take long, and I learned something important; Remus, aside from being ludicrously enchanting, is a brilliant snowman saboteur.
“Think you can charm it to move?” I ask.
“Nymphadora Tonks, you’re my hero.”
He stepped back to cast a spell, watching the two very excited, very familiar black-haired snowmen start wiggling with fervor.
“Sirius is going to kill us, you know?”
“Probably,” I say. “So, what do you want to do now?”
“Something bad,” he says with a certain kind of grin, and it looks like Tonks is getting what she wants for Christmas a bit early.
__
Author: chococoffeekiss
Rating & Warnings: T for mild language, innuendo, and snowmen in adult situations a la Calvin and Hobbes.
Prompts: "Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business." (PoA)
Format & Word Count: Drabble (500 words)
Summary: "Christmas has exploded; it’s like a train wreck at the North Pole and I can’t look away."
Author’s Notes: This is supposed to be funny.
Sirius, if he wasn’t family and just so damn loveable, would be getting his arse kicked right now. Evidently, his cabin fever and nascent creativity converged to turn the back garden into, well, this.
Christmas has exploded; it’s like a train wreck at the North Pole, I can’t look away.
The forest of decorated trees is a nice touch, but the snowmen are… Well, I’m not fond of the creepy button eyes on the pink-wigged Nymphadora snowwoman, but the compromising and somewhat unorthodox position she has found herself in with the Remus snowman is interesting.
They say art imitates life, but I’ve always thought-
“Tonks?”
Speak of the devil and he appears; Remus Lupin, who always looks surprised and doesn’t seem to own a comb and has the best laugh ever. He shuffles onto the back step.
“Yes?”
“Have you-“ He stops abruptly and stares over my shoulder at the snow-couple who, being frozen in place, are still getting it on snowpeople-style. Bow chicka wow wow.
“That’s a move I’ve never seen before,” he says blithely, before stepping around me to unwrap the scarf from the neck of his icy doppelganger. Remus shook the snow from the scarf and put it on, then looked at me with mischief in his eyes. “I didn’t know you were into that sort of thing.”
Oh, burn. Chalk one up for Professor Lupin.
No clever retort occurred to me, and just as I thought the situation couldn’t be more awkward, Snape Apparated into the garden. All of my prayers to a pantheon of spirits didn’t keep him from opening his pestilent mouth:
“Building monuments to our depravity, are we?”
Remus said nothing, but grinned as Snivellus flapped into the house like an oversized crow.
Ah, men. Can’t live with ‘em, can’t poison them and hide the bodies in the Forbidden Forest.
“Snape needs to learn to mind his own damn business,” said I.
“He’s always had problems with that.”
We stood around watching the flakes fall until an idea hit me, one so low-down and rotten I wonder if I should have been sorted into Slytherin.
“Do you want to do something bad? And I mean really bad, cruel, and just plain sick?”
“…Does it involve carrots?” he asks, looking uneasily toward the snow-people.
__
“Hand me that courgette. Okay, now the button eyes.”
The reworking of the snow fiends to resemble my cousin and his nemesis didn’t take long, and I learned something important; Remus, aside from being ludicrously enchanting, is a brilliant snowman saboteur.
“Think you can charm it to move?” I ask.
“Nymphadora Tonks, you’re my hero.”
He stepped back to cast a spell, watching the two very excited, very familiar black-haired snowmen start wiggling with fervor.
“Sirius is going to kill us, you know?”
“Probably,” I say. “So, what do you want to do now?”
“Something bad,” he says with a certain kind of grin, and it looks like Tonks is getting what she wants for Christmas a bit early.
__