The Worst Disasters
Title: The Worst Disasters
Author: francesca_blue
Rating and Warnings: PG, no warnings, particularly.
Prompts: Time will never be your kindest master / And love she greets you like a long-lost friend / The best things grow from the worst disasters / The best things grow when we begin again. 'Go Faster Stripes', by Kat Flint; and Garden
Word count: 2,562
Summary: After Dumbledore's death, Remus and Tonks struggle to cope.
Author's Notes: You're allowed two, right? Hopefully I've done it right this time! I know that this scenes been done to death already, but I hope you all enjoy it anyway. I have used one line from HBP; you'll know which one when you see it. As with my other entry, this is also just the beginning of the story, but it can be read as a stand-alone. Comments and concrit will be much appreciated as they will help me when it comes to writing the rest of it.
The Worst Disasters
Albus Dumbledore was dead.
Remus had seen him. He had seen that wise old face, looking paler and somehow older in death, as if Severus Snape’s betrayal had aged him ten years in the seconds before he died. He had seen those calm blue eyes closed for the last time, but, somehow, Remus had been unable to help himself thinking that, any second now, they would open again and fix him with that familiar, piercing stare.
They had to. Albus Dumbledore couldn’t possibly really be dead.
In the days since, a terrible numbness had settled over Remus. It pressed on his shoulders and mind, the weight of it bringing him almost to a standstill. He felt like, he, too, had aged: his head was bent, his feet shuffled when he walked. Several people had tried to talk to him about the future of the Order, but he couldn’t even remember what they might have said.
In his grief, Remus had turned to the only relief he knew: violence. Not malicious violence, of course; he was very careful not to hurt or offend other people. Instead, his grief found an outlet raging at his surroundings. After his parents had died, Remus had taken it out on the poor redcaps, boggarts and other nuisances that had moved into the house while his parents had been unable to take care of it. In the months following Halloween 1981 he had - he still shuddered to remember it - transformed in Sirius’ old house and let the wolf destroy everything that was left.
This time Remus was using his energy to de-gnome the Weasleys’ garden. The first official Order meeting without Dumbledore was to start within the hour, and Remus didn’t want to think about it. Yet somehow, with each thump of a gnome landing, dizzy and disorientated, in the distance, another question presented itself in Remus’ mind.
What were they going to do? Who was to lead the Order now?
What had Dumbledore’s plan been? Nobody had known the full details except for Dumbledore himself. How were they supposed to protect Harry without all the necessary information?
And another, venomous question spiralled up from the angry pit in his stomach.
What had been the point? Why had Dumbledore created such intricate plans and yet no reserve? How could he not have appointed a deputy? Why had he sent Remus to live with feral werewolves?
Remus’ strength faltered; he dropped his gnome and it scurried back into the undergrowth, chuckling.
He couldn’t believe how selfish he was being. He wasn’t worried about the future of the Order; at least not as worried as he should be. Because of course Dumbledore had made back-up plans; he must surely have made sure Harry at least knew what he had to do. He had never told everybody the plans he made for the entire Order; it was much safer if everyone knew their part, and only their part, in the grand scheme of things. Remus knew that, so he couldn’t possibly be angry for the Order’s sake.
He was angry for his own sake. Because Dumbledore had never actually told him why he, Remus, had been sent on that pointless mission. Remus needed closure, and now he couldn’t get it, and that made him angry. Selfish.
But didn’t he have a right to be so angry? Before his mission, Fenrir Greyback had been an enemy, yes, but only out of principal, because he was a sick and twisted psychopath who Remus felt needed to die before he could destroy any more young lives than he already had done. But Greyback had borne no particular grudge against Remus: punishing children for their parents’ mistakes was how he worked, and he was actually grateful, in a perverse way, for the repressive laws Remus had brought down on his kind, because it gave him many new opportunities to expand his pack. But in joining the pack as Dumbledore’s spy Remus had brought himself to Greyback’s attention and made himself a dangerous enemy. Remus had risked his life many times on that fruitless mission, and he didn’t even know why.
And then there was Bill. Remus couldn’t help thinking that Greyback had followed him to Hogwarts, where, of course, he had mauled Bill Weasley. Bill, who had been young, and intelligent, and handsome, had been scarred forever by Remus’ mistakes. He dreaded to think what the Weasleys might do when they eventually realised that.
And Tonks. What would she do, when she realised this? She had stood by him with the steadiness of a rock, and her love had been the one thing he had been able to cling to during this last terrible year. But she would soon realise, now that she was faced with incontrovertible evidence, that he really was dangerous, and not at all worth her time, and she would leave him. And he really didn’t want her to. Just the thought of having to go through life without her caused him almost physical pain. Remus wasn’t entirely sure how he’d coped this last year; he knew that he had used her, used her love as an anchor during his most terrible moments without giving her anything in return, and for that he certainly deserved all the punishment he would get. But he had tried to let her go, for her own good, and it had broken his heart to do it. Wasn’t that punishment enough?
But... she hadn’t gone. She seemed to want to stand beside him forever. She wanted to marry him. The attack on Bill hadn’t changed that. But what about when she realised that Bill had been attacked because of Remus? What would she think then?
The sound of the Burrow’s back door closing roused him from his thoughts. Turning, he was surprised to see Tonks herself walking towards him through the long grass. He hadn’t seen her since that night, which he suspected was deliberate; they had rather embarrassed each other with their outbursts that night. Her face was set, her eyes determined. Remus’ heart sank. Not again...
“Wotcher, Remus,” she said as she reached his side. “What are you doing?”
“I’m, uh ... just de-gnoming the garden. For Molly. She’s been busy lately. It’s the least I could do.”
“Right.” She was looking at him a little sadly. Her stare was unnerving. Turning away, he caught another gnome around the ankle and hurled it, though he was a little embarrassed that it didn’t go as far as he had hoped.
“Are you alright?” she asked softly. Her hand hovered near his arm, not touching it, but close enough to make his skin prickle.
“Of course,” he said stiffly, trying not to reveal just how much her presence affected him. Now was not the time...
“I know you were close...”
Oh. She was talking about Dumbledore.
Remus sighed. “No, we weren’t. I thought we were but...”
Now she did touch him, taking his elbow gently and turning him to face her.
“He loved you, Remus. Don’t doubt that now. He thought the world of you.”
“Did he? He gave me an education and a job where no one else would have done, but did he do that for me, or just so that he had a werewolf obligated to him in his ranks who he could use as a spy?” Remus’ voice caught. He pulled himself from her grasp and turned away; he hated feeling weak in front of her. He was unburdening himself on her again.
“Remus.” She ducked under his arm and planted herself firmly in front of him. “I talked to him a lot this year. About you. And believe me, he thought the world of you,” she repeated, her eyes sympathetic and sincere.
Remus groaned. “Then I let him down.” They were standing very close to one another - so close that he could almost feel her light breath on his face. He moved away. “I led Greyback right into Hogwarts. He could have attacked any of the children.”
Tonks frowned in confusion. “What are you talking about? He came with the Death Eaters. Draco Malfoy let him into the school, not you.”
“He came because of me. He hates me. He attacked Bill because of me.”
Tonks groaned. “Look, Remus. Every injury in world isn’t your fault. Bad people do bad things because they’re bad. Greyback attacked Bill because he’s Greyback, and attacking people is what he does. You have no control over that. So stop beating yourself up about it.”
“But I-“
“No!” Tonks placed a warning finger on his lips, glaring at him. “Not another word.” He opened his mouth to speak, and she scowled. “You know what, Remus. It’s arrogant to place yourself at the centre of everyone’s problems. The whole universe doesn’t revolve around you. It’s embarrassing to watch you blame yourself for things that have nothing to do with you.”
Remus closed his mouth sharply, shocked.
“I didn’t mean...”
Tonks’ shoulders sagged.
“I know you didn’t. But that’s what it looks like.”
They were silent for a long while, looking out at the gnomes staggering dizzily about in the field beyond the garden. Finally Tonks sighed.
“What are we going to do, Remus? How are we supposed to go on without him?”
Remus swallowed, looking down.
“I don’t know.”
She looked up at him, and he was surprised to see that her eyes were brimming with tears. Tentatively, he reached out to take her in his arms, but stopped. He wanted to hold her so badly, to comfort her, but that would send the wrong message. Instead, he let his arms drop back to his sides. She looked away.
“I ...um, I actually came out here to say something, so...” She cleared her throat and looked up, staring resolutely over his shoulder at the rose bush behind him. “The Order needs us. We need to be stronger, now that we don’t have Dumbledore. And it ... we can’t divide it. It’ll make everyone’s work difficult and make it more dangerous for us all. So...” She swallowed hard. “So, I was thinking ... it would be best if... if you don’t want any more ... we should at least be friends. P-put all this behind us and... start again.”
Oh. So. This was it. She had realised she deserved a lot more than just him, and this was her way of telling him. She was trying to be kind, because the Order really did need them, but she was finally leaving him.
Why had she extended this offer of friendship? He didn’t need her sympathy, and she certainly didn’t need to bind herself to him again, in a different way. They could get by as colleagues.
So why had she offered him friendship? Was it that she didn’t want to let go completely? She wanted to hold on to the few short months of bliss they had had before it had all gone wrong? Remus felt torn at that thought. She had to let go, she had to; but that she didn’t seem to want to made him feel... hopeful. Which, of course, would give her the wrong impression if she ever found out, and would ruin everything.
She had dropped her gaze again, and he realised that her eyes were miserable.
Could she still be in love with him? Was she settling for friendship, when she still wanted more, because she thought that he thought that that was best?
And if she was, what should he do? Should he, too, settle for friendship, knowing that they both wanted, needed more?
It all came back to Dumbledore. Dumbledore would have been happier than anybody to think that there was a little more love in the world. He had always believed in the power of love, against all the odds. He had believed in many things, against all the odds. Remus felt, with a sudden, blazing certainty, that Dumbledore would have been proud that, even in the wake of his tragic death, love could rise up like a phoenix from the ashes.
Suddenly, he was burning with hopeful excitement. Taking one of her hands in his, he tilted her chin up until their eyes met.
“Tonks,” he said softly. That didn’t sound right. “Nymphadora,” he tried again. She didn’t even make a face. “Do you really want that?”
“I... No, of course I don’t. But you said-“
“Never mind what I said. I’ve said a lot of stupid things lately.” There was a spark of something, almost like hope, in her eyes as he said that; encouraged, he drew a deep breath and ploughed forwards.”I don’t want to just be friends. I don’t think that would work, and I don’t want to lose you completely. I... I love you. And I think... that at a time like this, we need each other. We need the love and the strength we can give each other, because it’s the only way... we can get through this.”
Tonks was staring at him intently, the oddest expression on her face. It looked as if she didn’t dare to smile.
“So... are you saying...?”
“Yes,” Remus whispered, pushing her hair back from her forehead. “If you..?”
“Oh, Remus...” She swayed towards him, her eyes closed and a gentle smile breaking out over her face. Remus paused, drinking in this strange new expression, his eyes roving her face, amazed that such a simple reaction could make his heart jump and skip so erratically. Cupping her face in his hands, he pressed his lips softly against hers.
The kiss lasted only a moment before he drew back to look into her eyes. His heart melted at what he saw there: such tentative, vulnerable joy that it burned the blood in his veins. Closing the distance between them again, he kissed her deeply, with all the love and passion he had tried to deny himself for months. Their lips lingered on each other’s for the longest time; every time he tried to draw back, to take a breath, he couldn’t quite bring himself to do it. When they did finally break apart they were both breathing heavily. He kissed her once more, briefly, chastely, and then again, before untangling her arms gently from around his neck and stepping back to look into her face. Her smile was so broad and dazzling that she seemed to be glowing; her eyes fluttered as she opened them.
“Do you mean it?” she asked breathlessly, grinning giddily. “Really? Do you?”
Remus thought to quell the surge of regret he felt at words. He’d hurt her so badly, caused her to question everything she thought she knew. Resolve hardened in his stomach: no more.
He grinned back at her, and then, because he couldn’t resist it, kissed her once more.
“We’d better go back inside,” he whispered. Her face fell slightly, but lit up again immediately as he took her hand, twining their fingers together.
As they turned to go, Remus spotted a gnome lurking under the rose bush, sniggering at them. He pounced on it, seized it by the ankle and, without letting go of Tonks’ hand, hurled it with all of his strength. It landed in a puff of dust far away on the other side of the field.
Satisfied, he turned back to Tonks, and together they went back inside.
Author: francesca_blue
Rating and Warnings: PG, no warnings, particularly.
Prompts: Time will never be your kindest master / And love she greets you like a long-lost friend / The best things grow from the worst disasters / The best things grow when we begin again. 'Go Faster Stripes', by Kat Flint; and Garden
Word count: 2,562
Summary: After Dumbledore's death, Remus and Tonks struggle to cope.
Author's Notes: You're allowed two, right? Hopefully I've done it right this time! I know that this scenes been done to death already, but I hope you all enjoy it anyway. I have used one line from HBP; you'll know which one when you see it. As with my other entry, this is also just the beginning of the story, but it can be read as a stand-alone. Comments and concrit will be much appreciated as they will help me when it comes to writing the rest of it.
The Worst Disasters
Albus Dumbledore was dead.
Remus had seen him. He had seen that wise old face, looking paler and somehow older in death, as if Severus Snape’s betrayal had aged him ten years in the seconds before he died. He had seen those calm blue eyes closed for the last time, but, somehow, Remus had been unable to help himself thinking that, any second now, they would open again and fix him with that familiar, piercing stare.
They had to. Albus Dumbledore couldn’t possibly really be dead.
In the days since, a terrible numbness had settled over Remus. It pressed on his shoulders and mind, the weight of it bringing him almost to a standstill. He felt like, he, too, had aged: his head was bent, his feet shuffled when he walked. Several people had tried to talk to him about the future of the Order, but he couldn’t even remember what they might have said.
In his grief, Remus had turned to the only relief he knew: violence. Not malicious violence, of course; he was very careful not to hurt or offend other people. Instead, his grief found an outlet raging at his surroundings. After his parents had died, Remus had taken it out on the poor redcaps, boggarts and other nuisances that had moved into the house while his parents had been unable to take care of it. In the months following Halloween 1981 he had - he still shuddered to remember it - transformed in Sirius’ old house and let the wolf destroy everything that was left.
This time Remus was using his energy to de-gnome the Weasleys’ garden. The first official Order meeting without Dumbledore was to start within the hour, and Remus didn’t want to think about it. Yet somehow, with each thump of a gnome landing, dizzy and disorientated, in the distance, another question presented itself in Remus’ mind.
What were they going to do? Who was to lead the Order now?
What had Dumbledore’s plan been? Nobody had known the full details except for Dumbledore himself. How were they supposed to protect Harry without all the necessary information?
And another, venomous question spiralled up from the angry pit in his stomach.
What had been the point? Why had Dumbledore created such intricate plans and yet no reserve? How could he not have appointed a deputy? Why had he sent Remus to live with feral werewolves?
Remus’ strength faltered; he dropped his gnome and it scurried back into the undergrowth, chuckling.
He couldn’t believe how selfish he was being. He wasn’t worried about the future of the Order; at least not as worried as he should be. Because of course Dumbledore had made back-up plans; he must surely have made sure Harry at least knew what he had to do. He had never told everybody the plans he made for the entire Order; it was much safer if everyone knew their part, and only their part, in the grand scheme of things. Remus knew that, so he couldn’t possibly be angry for the Order’s sake.
He was angry for his own sake. Because Dumbledore had never actually told him why he, Remus, had been sent on that pointless mission. Remus needed closure, and now he couldn’t get it, and that made him angry. Selfish.
But didn’t he have a right to be so angry? Before his mission, Fenrir Greyback had been an enemy, yes, but only out of principal, because he was a sick and twisted psychopath who Remus felt needed to die before he could destroy any more young lives than he already had done. But Greyback had borne no particular grudge against Remus: punishing children for their parents’ mistakes was how he worked, and he was actually grateful, in a perverse way, for the repressive laws Remus had brought down on his kind, because it gave him many new opportunities to expand his pack. But in joining the pack as Dumbledore’s spy Remus had brought himself to Greyback’s attention and made himself a dangerous enemy. Remus had risked his life many times on that fruitless mission, and he didn’t even know why.
And then there was Bill. Remus couldn’t help thinking that Greyback had followed him to Hogwarts, where, of course, he had mauled Bill Weasley. Bill, who had been young, and intelligent, and handsome, had been scarred forever by Remus’ mistakes. He dreaded to think what the Weasleys might do when they eventually realised that.
And Tonks. What would she do, when she realised this? She had stood by him with the steadiness of a rock, and her love had been the one thing he had been able to cling to during this last terrible year. But she would soon realise, now that she was faced with incontrovertible evidence, that he really was dangerous, and not at all worth her time, and she would leave him. And he really didn’t want her to. Just the thought of having to go through life without her caused him almost physical pain. Remus wasn’t entirely sure how he’d coped this last year; he knew that he had used her, used her love as an anchor during his most terrible moments without giving her anything in return, and for that he certainly deserved all the punishment he would get. But he had tried to let her go, for her own good, and it had broken his heart to do it. Wasn’t that punishment enough?
But... she hadn’t gone. She seemed to want to stand beside him forever. She wanted to marry him. The attack on Bill hadn’t changed that. But what about when she realised that Bill had been attacked because of Remus? What would she think then?
The sound of the Burrow’s back door closing roused him from his thoughts. Turning, he was surprised to see Tonks herself walking towards him through the long grass. He hadn’t seen her since that night, which he suspected was deliberate; they had rather embarrassed each other with their outbursts that night. Her face was set, her eyes determined. Remus’ heart sank. Not again...
“Wotcher, Remus,” she said as she reached his side. “What are you doing?”
“I’m, uh ... just de-gnoming the garden. For Molly. She’s been busy lately. It’s the least I could do.”
“Right.” She was looking at him a little sadly. Her stare was unnerving. Turning away, he caught another gnome around the ankle and hurled it, though he was a little embarrassed that it didn’t go as far as he had hoped.
“Are you alright?” she asked softly. Her hand hovered near his arm, not touching it, but close enough to make his skin prickle.
“Of course,” he said stiffly, trying not to reveal just how much her presence affected him. Now was not the time...
“I know you were close...”
Oh. She was talking about Dumbledore.
Remus sighed. “No, we weren’t. I thought we were but...”
Now she did touch him, taking his elbow gently and turning him to face her.
“He loved you, Remus. Don’t doubt that now. He thought the world of you.”
“Did he? He gave me an education and a job where no one else would have done, but did he do that for me, or just so that he had a werewolf obligated to him in his ranks who he could use as a spy?” Remus’ voice caught. He pulled himself from her grasp and turned away; he hated feeling weak in front of her. He was unburdening himself on her again.
“Remus.” She ducked under his arm and planted herself firmly in front of him. “I talked to him a lot this year. About you. And believe me, he thought the world of you,” she repeated, her eyes sympathetic and sincere.
Remus groaned. “Then I let him down.” They were standing very close to one another - so close that he could almost feel her light breath on his face. He moved away. “I led Greyback right into Hogwarts. He could have attacked any of the children.”
Tonks frowned in confusion. “What are you talking about? He came with the Death Eaters. Draco Malfoy let him into the school, not you.”
“He came because of me. He hates me. He attacked Bill because of me.”
Tonks groaned. “Look, Remus. Every injury in world isn’t your fault. Bad people do bad things because they’re bad. Greyback attacked Bill because he’s Greyback, and attacking people is what he does. You have no control over that. So stop beating yourself up about it.”
“But I-“
“No!” Tonks placed a warning finger on his lips, glaring at him. “Not another word.” He opened his mouth to speak, and she scowled. “You know what, Remus. It’s arrogant to place yourself at the centre of everyone’s problems. The whole universe doesn’t revolve around you. It’s embarrassing to watch you blame yourself for things that have nothing to do with you.”
Remus closed his mouth sharply, shocked.
“I didn’t mean...”
Tonks’ shoulders sagged.
“I know you didn’t. But that’s what it looks like.”
They were silent for a long while, looking out at the gnomes staggering dizzily about in the field beyond the garden. Finally Tonks sighed.
“What are we going to do, Remus? How are we supposed to go on without him?”
Remus swallowed, looking down.
“I don’t know.”
She looked up at him, and he was surprised to see that her eyes were brimming with tears. Tentatively, he reached out to take her in his arms, but stopped. He wanted to hold her so badly, to comfort her, but that would send the wrong message. Instead, he let his arms drop back to his sides. She looked away.
“I ...um, I actually came out here to say something, so...” She cleared her throat and looked up, staring resolutely over his shoulder at the rose bush behind him. “The Order needs us. We need to be stronger, now that we don’t have Dumbledore. And it ... we can’t divide it. It’ll make everyone’s work difficult and make it more dangerous for us all. So...” She swallowed hard. “So, I was thinking ... it would be best if... if you don’t want any more ... we should at least be friends. P-put all this behind us and... start again.”
Oh. So. This was it. She had realised she deserved a lot more than just him, and this was her way of telling him. She was trying to be kind, because the Order really did need them, but she was finally leaving him.
Why had she extended this offer of friendship? He didn’t need her sympathy, and she certainly didn’t need to bind herself to him again, in a different way. They could get by as colleagues.
So why had she offered him friendship? Was it that she didn’t want to let go completely? She wanted to hold on to the few short months of bliss they had had before it had all gone wrong? Remus felt torn at that thought. She had to let go, she had to; but that she didn’t seem to want to made him feel... hopeful. Which, of course, would give her the wrong impression if she ever found out, and would ruin everything.
She had dropped her gaze again, and he realised that her eyes were miserable.
Could she still be in love with him? Was she settling for friendship, when she still wanted more, because she thought that he thought that that was best?
And if she was, what should he do? Should he, too, settle for friendship, knowing that they both wanted, needed more?
It all came back to Dumbledore. Dumbledore would have been happier than anybody to think that there was a little more love in the world. He had always believed in the power of love, against all the odds. He had believed in many things, against all the odds. Remus felt, with a sudden, blazing certainty, that Dumbledore would have been proud that, even in the wake of his tragic death, love could rise up like a phoenix from the ashes.
Suddenly, he was burning with hopeful excitement. Taking one of her hands in his, he tilted her chin up until their eyes met.
“Tonks,” he said softly. That didn’t sound right. “Nymphadora,” he tried again. She didn’t even make a face. “Do you really want that?”
“I... No, of course I don’t. But you said-“
“Never mind what I said. I’ve said a lot of stupid things lately.” There was a spark of something, almost like hope, in her eyes as he said that; encouraged, he drew a deep breath and ploughed forwards.”I don’t want to just be friends. I don’t think that would work, and I don’t want to lose you completely. I... I love you. And I think... that at a time like this, we need each other. We need the love and the strength we can give each other, because it’s the only way... we can get through this.”
Tonks was staring at him intently, the oddest expression on her face. It looked as if she didn’t dare to smile.
“So... are you saying...?”
“Yes,” Remus whispered, pushing her hair back from her forehead. “If you..?”
“Oh, Remus...” She swayed towards him, her eyes closed and a gentle smile breaking out over her face. Remus paused, drinking in this strange new expression, his eyes roving her face, amazed that such a simple reaction could make his heart jump and skip so erratically. Cupping her face in his hands, he pressed his lips softly against hers.
The kiss lasted only a moment before he drew back to look into her eyes. His heart melted at what he saw there: such tentative, vulnerable joy that it burned the blood in his veins. Closing the distance between them again, he kissed her deeply, with all the love and passion he had tried to deny himself for months. Their lips lingered on each other’s for the longest time; every time he tried to draw back, to take a breath, he couldn’t quite bring himself to do it. When they did finally break apart they were both breathing heavily. He kissed her once more, briefly, chastely, and then again, before untangling her arms gently from around his neck and stepping back to look into her face. Her smile was so broad and dazzling that she seemed to be glowing; her eyes fluttered as she opened them.
“Do you mean it?” she asked breathlessly, grinning giddily. “Really? Do you?”
Remus thought to quell the surge of regret he felt at words. He’d hurt her so badly, caused her to question everything she thought she knew. Resolve hardened in his stomach: no more.
He grinned back at her, and then, because he couldn’t resist it, kissed her once more.
“We’d better go back inside,” he whispered. Her face fell slightly, but lit up again immediately as he took her hand, twining their fingers together.
As they turned to go, Remus spotted a gnome lurking under the rose bush, sniggering at them. He pounced on it, seized it by the ankle and, without letting go of Tonks’ hand, hurled it with all of his strength. It landed in a puff of dust far away on the other side of the field.
Satisfied, he turned back to Tonks, and together they went back inside.