Want Part I by Gilpin25

[gilpin25]

Title: Want - Part I
Author: gilpin25
Rating & Warnings: R (Mainly for sex, but mild swearing, description of torture.)
Prompts:
I was alone, I took a ride/I didn’t know what I would find there/Another road where maybe I/Could see another kind of mind there. Got To Get You Into My Life - The Beatles.
Word prompt: Want
Word Count: 11,285 (Bring a

Comments

[godricgal]

This is just wonderful and probably one of my favourite things that you've written.

The first line of this fic is such a simple but effective hook, and by the third paragraph, when we find out Tonks already holds Remus in a special place, I'm drawn in, and that embrace is so wonderfully intimate even before that kiss. You always write Tonks with a measure of self-recriminating insecurity that is a perfect balance to whatever Remus might feel; It puts them on an even footing that amplifies the equality in their differences.

It's interesting that one of Remus' reasons for telling Sirius about his relationship with Tonks is because that's what he would always have done in the past. It must be hard, if not impossible, to jump back into the intimacy of 'best mates' after all that time, but surely they would want to try, or find, as Remus does, that the analysis of the situation leads him to sharing even if instinct doesn't, any longer. Reading Sirius' assessment of Remus' type, or lack thereof, gave me the same reaction as Remus: "taken aback by the accuracy" because that is just exactly how it might be when Remus doesn't really see himself taking things very far so he goes for the safe girls who are never going to light a fire inside him, and after reading that, it makes his relationship with Tonks in this fic sparkle all the more - he is letting himself go and he is in deeper than he's ever allowed himself to be, presumably because he cannot help himself, as is so well demonstrated at the end of their date!

Again you bring up a really fascinating point with the dynamic of the relationship between Sirius and Remus when Tonks feels left out of the side of Remus' life that must prepare for and accept what he faces every month. Perhaps there Remus can lean on Sirius because he already knows as well as anyone might the harsh realities of it? The way you wrote the hurt, which is so acute, Tonks feels then really cuts to the bone, and you have to feel for her when she's just so unsure of how to approach the lead up to the full moon, though I think she made a pretty effective point in kissing him then!

It's absolutely heartbreaking to read what Remus has inflicted upon himself when his fear of hurting other people seems to leave him no other option. And I think that's when you realise how difficult it is to balance Tonks' need -- instinct -- to help the man she loves and Remus' need to keep certain harsher aspects of his existence as quiet as possible both for the preservation of his dignity and to protect her. I love that it's the way Remus took care of Tonks when she needed him that is the inspiration and the strength for Tonks to stand up and take the step to integrate herself in that part of his left and help him as she knows he would always her. And from that point on she seems to have a fairly good grasp of how she wants to deal with things! Again, you bring in the idea of equality and level footing in such a unique way when she climbs into bed with him. I also love that Remus peeked at her and his line at the end of that scene is perfect, lol.

I thought the idea of them having a routine that Remus deliberately bypassed to initiate their first time was a great one. It was so effective to highlight how much Remus has been over-thinking things and this routine has built up around them almost to let them avoid the consummation of their relationship. The love scene is beautifully written and I absolutely adore the last line.

I'll be back to comment on the second part but know that it's a stunning fic and I love it. :)

[gilpin25]

Apologies for the delay in replying to this, but you know most of my excuses! ;)

Thank you so much for such a wonderful, in-depth review. This first part sort of wrote itself in my head, scene-wise, the minute I got the prompt - and I did briefly think about stopping in OotP, which would have been a lot less angst for R/T and a lot shorter for everyone to read, lol.

I wanted the first scene to set out that Tonks is the instigator in starting things, the one who doesn't avoid facts, while Remus is so busily thinking about the drawbacks from her point of view, and what he should be protecting her from, that he's the one who is always one step behind in where this is going. For all the times that he's not exactly your average boyfriend, I wanted him to be the one playing catch up to her. Which, I hope, ties in with the idea of him picking very 'safe', smart girls at school, who were rule abiding both there and in life, meaning that he'd risk only so much even back then, knowing it ultimately wouldn't go anywhere. I was thinking a Remus deeply in love with a Tonks who scoffs at all rules pretty early on, and unable to resist her, would blame himself that much harder when things did start to go pear-shaped in HBP...

Perhaps there Remus can lean on Sirius because he already knows as well as anyone might the harsh realities of it?

Exactly, and also because it's a echo of the past, and because Remus being Remus, would be all too well aware that it gives Sirius a purpose again and makes him feel useful. So it works both ways until Tonks comes along and finds there's no role for her to play in all this.

And I think that's when you realise how difficult it is to balance Tonks' need -- instinct -- to help the man she loves and Remus' need to keep certain harsher aspects of his existence as quiet as possible both for the preservation of his dignity and to protect her.

That section was probably my favourite to write as I was able to put so many ideas about the three of them into it, and it was the big pivotal moment for both Remus and Tonks. It's easy to take on board what a horrifc physical thing Remus has to go through each month, but the humiliating mental aspects of turning into a fearsome monster and back again in front of a girl you want to go to bed with must also be quite something for him to come to terms with. It must also be daunting for her to find a way to do it while allowing him to keep his dignity (and being mature enough to realise that's what she has to do), but I thought it made sense if he'd already helped her in such a way previously. As for the "I'm only human" bit, that was actually the very first line and scene I thought of and it somehow ended up in the middle of the fic, lol. But to me it summed up most of this story in one sentence for both of them...

I'm so glad you liked the love scene as I don't find them at all easy, and I also think I like doing them better from her POV. But this had to be from his so ... I'm sighing with relief you thought it worked. ;)

Thank you again. I'm sure that was a lot, lot more than you wanted to know, but your words mean a lot to me. :)