Say Goodbye
Title: Say Goodbye
Author: utah_yoda
Rating: G.
Prompts: Day of horror, angst, location prompt #4: sun shining through a tree-lined path
Word Count: 1300
Summary: Remus is preparing to go underground with the werewolves. Tonks won't let him leave without saying goodbye.
Author's Notes: I enjoyed writing this. I hope you enjoy reading it. Feedback is always appreciated.
He had told Dumbledore that he would rather be alone when it was time to go.
The Headmaster had apparated to the Burrow in the pre-dawn light anyway, clamping his hand on Remus’ shoulder as they walked uphill, away from the Weasley’s home. Not even Molly had gotten up to say goodbye. Remus hadn't told her that he would not be returning soon. She had left breakfast, which he had forced himself to eat. It could be weeks before he’d have another square meal.
They approached the apparition point silently, their footsteps on the rocks and twigs that lined the path the only sound. A lawn gnome peeked out at them, ducking back behind a clump of dirt quickly, and Remus noted the unbelievable normalcy of it. How could anything on this day be normal?
“I will tell Molly and Arthur to expect you the day after the full moon,” Dumbledore said quietly when they had reached the top of the hill. “I will be here as well.” His voice was quite steady, the same he used to use when discussing Remus’ lesson plans at Hogwarts, or handing out routine assignments for the Order, but there was a sadness in his eyes that Remus could see before he turned away. “I’m sorry I must ask this of you, Remus.”
“I understand,” Remus replied, and he thought he might really mean it. “Werewolves are rather scarce in the Order, after all.”
The old man smiled, but there was no twinkle in his eye. “I trust you will take care of yourself. Good luck.” With a swoosh of blue robes and silver beard, he was gone.
Remus breathed in the chill air, reveling in the silence of the morning. He had always loved the sunrise; it meant the departure of the moon, after all, but today it was something he dreaded. He would leave just after it rose, apparating to the grove of trees that he had scouted out days ago, and walk the rest of the way to where the pack had settled for summer. Ahead was a gnarled tree, ancient and twisted, and Remus approached it, gaining a better view of the land in front of him. It was the paddock where the Weasley’s and Harry liked to practice Qwidditch. Fog still obscured much of it, but he could make out an abandoned ball, large as a human head. A practice bludger. He shifted against the tree, feeling his nerves begin to buzz as a stream of light broke through the mist. There was another, and another. He could see every crack and crevice in the gnarled oak; and near his hand, a carving. AW+MW. He could easily imagine the redheaded couple, giddy with their new home, leaving their mark.
The image was replaced in his mind by another happy couple, wandering through the woods near their new home; one tall and graying, holding the hand of a beautiful, pink-haired witch. He saw her smile, then lean in to say something to him…then he saw claws, and fangs, and blood, saw her mouth open in a scream of terror…
Remus jerked away from the tree, shaking off the daydream. His mind had betrayed him again; he had vowed not to think of her; he couldn’t think of her. He was leaving the human world, and Tonks could not go with him, not even in his thoughts. He had to leave her behind to keep her safe.
It was nearly time now. The fog had all but dissipated, the grounds and woods around him quite clear. One more minute. He breathed in to steady himself, counting down the second to apparition.
“You really weren’t going to say goodbye.”
Remus did not turn around. “You’ve improved in Stealth and Tracking. I didn’t hear you at all.”
“Remus.” Her voice was low, a warning. No games.
“I said goodbye.”
“No. You didn’t. You said you were leaving. You said I need to move on.”
“You do.”
“No!” Her cry echoed around him, across the field, cutting through the last of the mist with its raw emotion. She grabbed his hand. He could feel her shaking. “I know what Dumbledore asked you to do. How can you go? How can you pretend to be one of them?”
He still couldn’t bring himself to look at her. “This is the first time that I have been able to use what I am for the Order. I belong there, with them.”
“No, you don’t.”
“I’m not human, Nymphadora.”
“Remus.” Her voice was angry now. She grabbed him by the shoulder and spun him, almost violently, until they were face to face. She looked up into his face, her eyes locked with his. “I’ve seen them! I saw how they live, what they are. You’re not one of them!” Her chest rose and fell heavily, and her eyes changed slowly to a searing, piercing blue. He wondered if she’d done it on purpose, and then was frightened to think that she hadn’t; that her emotions had gotten away with her. That he had caused her such strong emotion. She said nothing, but her could see that she was thinking, evaluating, the way he had seen her look during missions. One of her hands still held his, but the pressure was softer. When she spoke again, her voice was softer as well. “You feel you have to go. So go. I will be waiting for you when you come back.”
“No.”
“It wasn’t a question.”
“Nymphadora, no. It’s too dangerous. I’m too dangerous.” He closed his eyes against her gaze, but the pressure from her hand on his was relentless. He couldn’t let her do this.
“Remus.” She stepped closer, her body nearly touching his. He could feel her presence, smell her scent. “Look at me.”
He turned his head away. The sun was fully up now. It was time to go now, time to go before this got any harder, before his heart broke any more. She reached up, cupping his cheek in her hand, guiding his eyes back toward hers. “Do you love me?”
He wanted to say no. He wanted to tell her that they had shared friendship and only friendship, that her wanted her to be happy with someone else, to forget him. He knew that he should do what it took to set her free, break her heart now, cleanly, so it could heal. Were he the man he pretended to be he would do it. I am no man, but beast. I can’t lie to her.
“I am not asking you to promise me anything. I am just asking you; do you love me.”
“Yes.”
“Say it.”
“I love you, Nymphadora.”
She moved her hand from his cheek and wrapped her arms through his and around his back. “I want you to remember, when you are pretending to be one of them, that you are not. You are capable of what they are not. You love me.” She smiled, and he felt the warmth of her smile fill him.
“Thank you,” he whispered, resting his lips on her forehead.
“Now go. I will be waiting for you when you come back.”
“I don’t want you waiting for me.”
She grinned, and it reminded him of the impish look on the lawn gnome he had passed in the garden. “That’s too bad. You should have fallen for someone else. And,” she looked into his face with sparkling eyes, “In case there’s any doubt; I love you too.” No lawn gnome ever looked like this. He would take the image of her eyes with him, breathtaking, sexy, sparkling eyes. “Go. Do what you need to do.” She moved back, detaching herself from him, holding his eyes with hers for a few seconds. Then she turned her back to him, moving into the trees.
Before he disapparated he heard a sob.