Shadows
(Tricky little fic that had working up to the last second, only to sadly find I did not have posting access. Many many thanks to the Meta mods for allowing me to still post this.)
Title: Shadows
Author: evrdream33
Rating & Warnings: PG
Prompts: Day of Faltering, Sectumsempra, Supernatural, Location #20 (fireplace)
Word Count: 4,436
Summary: Severus Snape hates Remus Lupin, but not for the for the reasons everyone thinks (and just to be clear, pairings featured are Remus/Tonks, Severus/Lily, and past Remus/Lily)
Author’s Notes: This is sort of like an R/T told from the POV of Snape, but it might lean more toward being a Snape fic with strong R/T elements. Something like snipping all the R/T references out of the Severus Snape book series. It was an idea I've had since HBP, but I could never figure out how to work it out, so I never pursued it, but after seeing "sectumsempra" as one of my prompts, the idea resurfaced and wouldn't get out of my head until it was written.
Shadows
Severus Snape walked down the long corridor toward Transfiguration class. It seemed to be taking longer than usual to get there. He was about to turn the corner when he heard something that made him stop.
“So does that mean you’re giving up on Lily?”
He slowly backed against the wall. The voice belonged to Sirius Black. He thought for sure he was talking to James Potter. But James Potter give up on Lily Evans? His heart began to race.
“I never had any hopes on her to begin with, Padfoot.”
No. Unfortunately it wasn’t James Potter.
“James’ my best mate,” said Black, “but you shouldn’t stop trying just because he fancies her too.”
Severus felt something drop in his chest.
“Who said I was trying?” asked Remus Lupin indignantly.
“You’re right,” Black scoffed, “You don’t even make eye contact with her when she talks to you. What’s that look for? It’s true. Frankly Moony, you’re more Lily Evans’ type than Prongs is.”
“Look, this isn’t about James alright.”
“Oh … “ Black droned ironically. “It’s about your furry little problem isn’t it?”
There was a pause. Severus leaned his ear as close to the corner as he dared, straining to hear.
“Yes, Sirius, it is.”
“Well of course it is. It always is.”
“Sirius,” said Lupin in a warning tone.
“Moony. A girl like her wouldn’t care.”
“It doesn’t matter if she cares or not.”
“Remus. Will you stop for one second of your miserable life and not be a noble prat for once?”
“No.”
“So you’re going to abstain from women forever and become a dried up monk just because you’ve got a little problem?”
“It’s not a little problem!”
“So you say.”
“You don’t know what it’s like.”
“Whatever, mate.”
“Sev!”
Severus jumped. He turned around to see Lily running up to him. Her books clutched to her chest and her long red hair flowing behind her.
“Lily, what are you doing here?”
“We have Transfiguration together silly.”
Severus stared at her. “But you’re dead.”
She smiled at him. “No I’m not.”
“But-“ he started. He was confused. He suddenly couldn’t remember where he was.
She wrapped her arms around him tightly. He tensed.
“Lily wha-“
“Promise me you’ll take care of him,” she whispered fiercely into his hair.
He shivered at the air of her breath against his ear and wrapped his arms her thin body. She seemed barely there. “I have been, Lily. I promise you. I’ve been protecting Harry with my life.”
She looked up at him with her same sweet smile holding his hands gently in hers. “Harry too.”
He frowned at her. “Too?” His eyes widened. “Lily, you can’t mean …”
“Take care of them both,” she said as she drifted away dissipating into the dark corridor.
“Lily!”
Severus awoke with a start. He groaned and threw the covers off. Rubbing his face in frustration he crossed to the sink on the other side of the room. He turned the cold faucet on and splashed the water into his face. Leaning his wet face back he took a deep breath and willed emptiness to consume his mind.
It had been a long time since Lily had appeared in his dreams. He usually made sure to clear his mind each night to prevent it from happening. It was as much pain as pleasure to dream about her, making him feel aggravated in the morning. He got enough of that from his students, Harry Potter, and sometimes Dumbledore. How could he have forgotten?
His eye caught on a crumbled piece of parchment that lay on the rickety dresser next to the sink. He picked it up and unfolded it.
Oh. That was why.
It was the recipe for Wolfsbane potion Dumbledore had given him the night before after informing him Remus Lupin would be taking on the Defense Against the Dark Arts position. Severus had stared at the parchment in stupefied silence as Dumbledore told him about this recent innovation, how it would allow Lupin to teach at Hogwarts in perfect safety, and since it was a potion of utmost complexity would he do him the great favor of concocting it every month. A heated argument had ensued. At least, a heated argument on Severus’ part. Dumbledore, on the other hand, had remained infuriatingly calm, deflecting all of Severus’ insinuations, and trumping the conversation as usual leading Severus to stomp down to his quarters too incensed to even remember his nightly ritual.
In retrospect, he wasn’t sure what had prompted him to lose his temper. Obviously Dumbledore wouldn’t take Lupin’s connections with Black seriously because of the incessant habit of trust he had. He wouldn’t have expected anything less of Dumbledore.
Pieces of his dream surfaced in his mind. He was about to push them away, but the content of the memory caught his attention. Remus Lupin and Lily. The conversation he had stumbled on was the only piece he ever had to go on about Lupin’s feelings toward her. Black had been right. You would have never been able to tell he liked her by the way he acted around her. Severus had spent the week after obsessively observing Lupin and any reactions he could have had toward Lily, which was almost none. He supposed Lupin had been serious about not wanting to involve himself with women because of his lycanthropy.
He was clearly a true Gryffindor in the sense that he didn’t have a Slytherin bone in his body. Slytherin were never gracious. They took what they wanted. But just because Lupin didn’t go after it, didn’t mean he didn’t still want it. Truth be told, as much as Severus would never admit to it, he had less reason to despise Lupin as much as he despised his other three mates. Though Lupin never stopped them from attacking him, he never participated either, yet disgust for the man existed regardless. Lily could have something to do with it.
“Frankly Moony, you’re more Lily Evans’ type … “
Oh yes. Lily definitely had something to do with it.
“Take care of them both,” he heard her whisper. Severus reached up, brushing his ear with his hand. He blinked and turned his head in the direction the whisper had come from.
There was nobody there.
Severus walked down the hall of Number Twelve Grimmauld Place tensed. He had arrived at headquarters much earlier than he would have liked. He made quite an effort of always getting to meetings right on time so that he would not have to suffer the company of the rest of the Order, particularly Sirius Black. Unfortunately on this occasion it was this or having to suffer another twenty minutes of Dumbledore’s Before Term Faculty Social. He had originally thought that the latter was lesser of the two evils, but after half an hour Trelawney’s faux mystical proclamations of her all-powerful all-seeing eye and Flickwit’s already almost drunken reenactments of his greatest dueling championships, Severus decided that exchanging old friendly banter with Black would perhaps be preferable.
He could already hear Black’s voice as he approached the door to the basement kitchen. He was about to turn the door knob, when something made him stop.
“You aren’t still in love with Lily after all this time are you?
“What?” asked Lupin’s voice incredulously. “Sirius, that was ages ago. It was a … school boy crush. I was never ‘in love’ with Lily. Why in Merlin are you bringing that up?”
“Because I want to know what possible reasonable reason you could have for ignoring Tonks.”
“I am not discussing this.”
“If you tell me it’s because you’re being a stupid noble prat again, I’m going to hex you.”
“I’ll counter it.”
“It is! Moony I swear! Why have you not grown out of this?”
“Because it’s not something to ‘grow out’ of, Padfoot. It’s the right thing to do.”
“Right thing my furry unregistered animagus ass! You have the potion. How can you still deny yourself of wonderful earthly pleasures?”
“It doesn’t bother you at all that you’re referring your own cousin?”
“She deserves wonderful earthly pleasures too! Given to her by a wonderful stupid prat who- ”
“Sirius just stop. Even if I have the potion, I am still a werewolf. I still am too old for her. I am still too poor to give her anything worthwhile.”
“Do you think Tonks will care about any of that?”
“Even if she doesn’t care … she deserves more.”
“You’re completely incorrigible.”
“Then I guess you’ll have to give up on me.”
“And deny myself of the challenge? Really, Moony, you know me better than that.”
“Unfortunately. Though I’ll remind you that you’re ‘challenges’ are always what got you and James landed in detention so often.”
“Exactly! It was great fun!”
“And you’re calling me incorrigible?”
“Remember when we set Mrs. Norris’ tail on fire with water repellent flames? I’d never seen Filch so frantic! It was bloody brilliant! And just when he was about to figure out how to put it out James whips out his wand and-“
Severus leaned against the wall, Black’s rouge adolescent tale tuning out of his hearing. He felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from him. Lupin wasn’t still in love with Lily. He never had been. Severus closed his eyes and breathed out the relief. Thin arms wrapped themselves around his chest, tightening contentedly.
“I’m forever yours.”
The grounds were empty. Muddy footprints of students marked on stone steps outside the castle. Severus’ eyes searched the darkness, the ruckus of the Great Hall reaching his ears even from outside the front doors where he stood.
Potter had not come strutting into the castle with his two sidekicks as he usually did. He had spotted the two entering the Great Hall without him showing clear expressions of worry. Severus had wasted no time in sweeping out of the Hall while the students were still getting settled and brushing past the line of first years entering the castle.
A considerable amount of effort had been organized among the Order to assure that Potter would get to school safely. Mediocre though most of them were, they usually were able to accomplish their tasks, so Severus waited. If a message wasn’t sent in the next ten minutes, he would seek out the boy himself.
Just as expected, a glint of silver flew from the grounds a moment later. It materialized at his feet into the form of a wolf.
“I’ve got Harry. Heading toward front gates.”
The patronus dissolved. Severus stared at the place it had been. It had spoken unmistakably with the voice of Nymphadora Tonks, but he knew her patronus, and it wasn’t a wolf. What’s more, it wasn’t just any kind of wolf. Even in a patronus form, Severus could identify the differences between a normal wolf …. and a werewolf.
A memory floated into his mind of being in a dark room struggling to produce a patronus. It was one of the few spells he had failed to accomplish before leaving Hogwarts. After entering Dumbledore’s service, he had insisted Severus learn it properly for the purpose of communication much to Severus’ aggravation. He had worked constantly at the spell until one night when a silver doe had walked up gently nuzzling him where he had collapsed in shock at the form that had produced from his wand. It was the same form he had seen Lily’s patronus take in their N.E.W.T. Defense Against Dark Arts classes.
So … Tonks was in love with Lupin as well, Severus realized. But Lupin won’t do anything about it, he thought remembering the conversation he overheard at Grimmauld Place.
He felt disgusted. It was bad enough she had fallen in love with a werewolf, but it was even more irritating that that she really didn’t seem to care, and once again, Lupin wasn’t grasping what he desired and could surely have. It was sickly pathetic.
But it wasn’t any business of his. His business was getting Potter to the castle. He set off into the dark grounds, a lantern in his hand and a ghostly doe by his side.
In the middle of a meeting with Kingsley Shacklebolt, Severus began to hear yelling coming from the drawing room above the kitchen. He ignored the commotion at first, but it didn’t seem to be ceasing. He finally paused in the middle of speech and made the slightest glance up at the ceiling.
“Don’t worry about that,” said Shacklebolt without looking up from the documents that lay on the table, “Remus is having some personal problems. It’s been pretty usual lately.”
“Not something to be worried about then,” Severus remarked dryly.
“Not really,” Shacklebolt commented lightly.
They finished up their meeting continuing to ignore the noise from above, but it left Severus feeling agitated. Normally such occurrences didn’t have any affect on him, but unfortunately, Severus’ carefully managed composure had been unstable of late.
It had only been a few days since his argument with Dumbledore, and his mind was still in disarray over what he had told him. Though evidently unperturbed or unaware by his state of distraught, Dumbledore had sent Severus to headquarters to transmit some important information to Shaklebolt and deliver the usual dose of Wolfsbane potion to Remus Lupin who would be also be stopping by.
Usually Severus, just left the potion on the kitchen table, but his agitation was clearly making him unreasonable because he somehow found himself ascending the stairs of Grimmauld Place for the first time with a smoking goblet in hand and a mind full of malicious intent.
“But I don’t care!” he could hear her yell as he approached the door of the drawing room.
“I don’t want you to go through what I have to go through!”
Severus paused outside the door waiting for the right moment.
“How can I know what you go through when you won’t even give me a chance to see?”
“I don’t want you to have to see.”
Severus knocked halfheartedly on the door but it was drowned out by Tonks’ outcry.
“For Merlin’s sake! You keep talking about what I deserve. You deserve not to have people shut out of your life! Please … don’t shut me out Remus,” she ended meekly.
Severus wrinkled his nose in contempt. She sounded defeated. He had never liked the girl, but he knew her for her determination which she could have never gotten so far without. He would have not expected the proclaimed respected auror to sound so utterly pathetic.
“I … have to. I-I can’t. I’m sorry.”
Now Severus felt like gagging, if he did such things. Lupin sounded even worse than her. Could such people really be members of the great Order of the Phoenix? He couldn’t stand it. His hand turned the door knob.
They were standing very close to each other in front of the grated fireplace. Both their heads turned toward him as he stepped through the door.
Severus raised his eyebrows in feigned surprise. “Not interrupting am I?”
“No. I was just leaving,” Tonks said stiffly heading toward the door, slamming it behind her.
Lupin sighed quietly and turned toward the fireplace. “What can I do for you Severus?” he asked tiredly without looking.
“I was afraid with the … ah … excitement, that you might forget about your potion.”
“Oh … yes … the potion,” he said, still not turning around. “Thank you Severus.”
Severus was getting annoyed. Lupin’s mind was clearly still on the girl. He walked forward and thrust the goblet in front of him. “Dumbledore would be upset if he knew it hadn’t gotten to you properly.”
“Oh!” Lupin said taking the goblet. “You’ve brought it up. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize.”
“You should take it straight away.”
“Yes, of course.”
Snape turned to leave.
“How’re things … on your side? If you don’t mind my asking.”
Severus stared at him wondering what had brought about the awkward question. “Fine,” he answered curtly. “Yours?”
“Not bad. Though I wasn’t able to attend the latest advancement due to … well…” He held up his goblet in a halfhearted mocked toast and drank.
Snape stared at him. “How did you ever end up in Gryffindor?”
Lupin choked on the potion. “I’m sorry?”
“Gryffindor. House of the brave. Correct me if I’m wrong.”
Lupin frowned. “Are you calling me a coward?”
“That potion puts you in your right mind. I don’t see how your … ailment … should inhibit you so drastically. Unless … you’re taking a leaf out of your old friend Black’s book.”
“What exactly are you insinuating?”
“I am insinuating that you are making worthless excuses.”
Lupin gaped at him. “How is that taking a leaf out of Sirius’ book? You know Dumbledore ordered him to stay in hiding for his own safety.”
“Ah … then you are making your own leaf because as I recall, you have no such orders.”
“In case you didn’t notice Severus, I am not in hiding.”
“I beg to differ.”
“It’s precaution.”
“It’s pathetic. You have the advantages of an animagus, and you choose not to use it.”
“A werewolf’s bite is still a bite.”
“An advantage is an advantage,” Severus spat. “Only fools and cowards hide behind worthless excuses not to use them to get what they truly desire.”
He swept out of the room before Lupin could respond, heading straight down the stairs, and out the front door apparating directly to Spinner’s End. He collapsed in an armchair shaking. He had stayed too long and said too much. He didn’t know why he had provoked Lupin. It was a habit he usually reserved for Black, but the leading question had been out of his mouth before he could stop himself. He had let his anger get the better of him in a pointless argument. How foolish. He prided himself on self control. A master occulems they called him. Perhaps he had been even more distraught than he realized.
He fell asleep in the armchair forgetting again to clear his mind. That night Lily came to him touching his left arm gently.
“I’m sorry Severus. We’re from different sides.”
“But I’m on your side now! I am!”
She smiled at him.
They all were hidden around Potter’s home, ready to attack the moment he and his protectors left the charm guarded house. Severus had the misfortune to be stationed with Bellatrix who was overly ecstatic about the mission.
“Oh, if she’s here, I’m going to blast her pretty head off,” she cackled happily. “I’d do the werewolf too him I could lay my wand on him. That’ll show those filthy half breeds to tarnish a pureblood line!”
Severus turned toward her. “Though I share your enthusiasm, Bellatrix,” he said dryly under his breath, “the point of stealth, I might remind you, is to be quiet.”
She glared at him murderously. He ignored her and returned his gaze toward Potter’s house. Truthfully, he did not share her enthusiasm at all. In fact, he was strangely disturbed. Bellatrix tended to be disturbing regularly. He had known her long enough to be used to it, but this time her words brought about a strange sense of discomfort. He knew there was going to be a lot of lives at stake with multiple Potters and an equal number of guards. The chances of losing a life or two seemed inevitable. It wasn’t uncommon, but Severus was in charge of the spying, not the saving any lives besides for Potter’s. Saving fell on those in the Order who weren’t under the Dark Lord’s watchful eye. But lately, losing lives bothered him more and more. Somehow, he was tired of losing them.
They were out, he realized. Severus squinted in the dark. There had to be twelve or fourteen of them. More than he thought they would dare. The discomfort grew. Severus barely acknowledged it before they were all in the sky.
“GO!” he shouted.
Thirty figures rose into the air and surrounded them, but there was mass confusion as the Death Eaters realized there was more than one Potter, each heading in different directions. Severus went after the first pair he could focus on. He chased after them with a few other fellow Death Eaters at his side. Yaxely moved ahead of him his wand aimed. The wind made the hood of the protector’s cloak fall back. Severus could see brown hair and glints of silver.
It was Lupin, he realized.
Time seemed to slow as Severus watched Yaxely raise his wand, aiming for Lupin’s back. He stared at his hand.
“Save him,” said a voice.
Severus didn’t need to turn to see where it had come from. He knew Lily was flying along side him. Her hands guided his wand …
“Sectumsempra!” he shouted.
Yaxely jerked slightly to the right causing the spell to soar right past his mark and head toward Lupin and the Potter.
In a moment of horror, Severus watched the spell siphon off the Potter’s ear.
“NO!” he shouted silently in his mind.
The Potter nearly fell off the broom. Lupin grabbed him just in time, pulling him back before turning awkwardly to shoot a few spells at his pursuers. Their eyes met briefly. Lupin’s eyes wild with fury. Severus stared back steadily, but his mind was in chaos. Was it the real Potter? Had he killed him? Had he failed her?
“He’s alive. He’s safe.”
Severus was on the edge of the Forbidden Forest standing on the very edge of the disillusioned area the Dark Lord had partitioned off as the Death Eaters’ base. The uproar of battle reached him from afar. It made him anxious, but he didn’t dare show it. He needed to go find Harry before it was too late, but the Dark Lord had ordered him to stay at the base, away from the battle, until he was called. There was no excuse he could give to leave his post without raising suspicion.
The sound of an explosion came from the school followed by a quiet whimper utter behind him. Severus tried to ignore it. With him at base was Narcissa Malfoy, who had insisted on coming to the battle despite Lucius’ objections, declaring she would not stay at home to await the fate of her son and husband. The Dark Lord had forced her to stay at base as well warning her on pain of death not to interfere.
A woman began screeching triumphantly in the distance. Severus couldn’t make out what she was saying. He squinted his eyes to try and see what had brought about the excitement.
“Bella,” Narcissa whispered. Severus turned toward her curious.
“She’s killed them,” she whispered her eyes wide, “She finally killed them.”
“Who?” he asked frightened, thinking she meant Harry and his friends.
“The werewolf. And that girl.”
Severus stared at her, not quite comprehending. He focused his hearing on Bellatrix’s screeches trying to discern the words.
“Half breed filth! This is what you get for tainting a pureblood house! Weak blood! Weak blood! You deserve everything you got! Everything! You deserve defeat! You deserve death!” Her cackles pierced the cold night air.
“My sister’s daughter,” Narcissa breathed, her words muted by the hands that covered her mouth.
Severus watched her confused by her sudden emotion. She collapsed to her knees. “Draco!” she cried.
He knelt before her grabbing her wrists. “Get a hold of yourself Narcissa,” he said fiercely, “You are of no use to him like this. The Dark Lord could punish you both more if he sees you so.”
Narcissa quieted, though her eyes remained full of desperation. Severus left her there and returned to his watch post where he gazed out onto the school grounds that served as the battle field. He felt numb.
So they were dead.
When the Dark Lord had announced they had gotten married, Severus hadn’t exactly jumped for joy. Lupin had finally stopped being a fool and finally took what had been dangling in front of him for so long. Despite his obnoxious hesitation, he had succeeded in gaining what Severus had wanted most, but could never have. The thought had irritated him with sharp bitterness.
Now Bellatrix had gotten what she wanted.
“Weak blood!”
Weak? Yes, Remus Lupin had been weak. Always too weak to seek what he wanted. Following, obeying, obliging, letting his lycanthropy get the better of him. All things considered, Bellatrix was right. He deserved defeat. He deserved death.
Then why was he bothered so much by it?
“Weak blood!” she had jeered to their dead bodies.
“Mudblood!” he had shouted at Lily.
He had lost her forever in that moment. He had condemned her for the same reason she was killed. For the same reason they were killed.
Weak blood. Mudblood. What did it matter? He loved Lily. James Potter had loved Lily. Remus Lupin had loved Nymphadora Tonks.
Dumbledore was wrong, Dumbledore who preached the power of love. He claimed that it would be love, in the end, that would defeat the Dark Lord, but how could have been right when all Severus could see was love being defeated?
Perhaps the Dark Lord had been right all along. Dumbledore had been always wrong. Severus had been a fool.
He closed his eyes. “What is this all for?” he pleaded.
“Will you stop protecting Harry then?”
“Stop?”
“If you were wrong, why continue to protect Harry?”
“How can I?”
“Tell me.”
“I’m protecting him for you. For as long as I can. I’ll protect him for you because I love you.”
“Do you regret loving me?”
“I could never.”
“Even if means being wrong? Even if it means being defeated?”
“Even so.”
“That is what you’re fighting for.”
Severus opened his eyes. He turned toward Narcissa, still crouched on the ground. He placed a hand on her shoulder. She looked up at him, her eyes glazed over. “Draco will be fine,” he said plainly.
She stared at him for a moment and finally nodded.
“Severus,” said a male voice.
Severus looked up to see Lucius Malfoy crossing the barrier.
“He wants to see you in the Shrieking Shack.”
Severus nodded and brushed past him, crossing out of the barrier and heading down the dark path.
Title: Shadows
Author: evrdream33
Rating & Warnings: PG
Prompts: Day of Faltering, Sectumsempra, Supernatural, Location #20 (fireplace)
Word Count: 4,436
Summary: Severus Snape hates Remus Lupin, but not for the for the reasons everyone thinks (and just to be clear, pairings featured are Remus/Tonks, Severus/Lily, and past Remus/Lily)
Author’s Notes: This is sort of like an R/T told from the POV of Snape, but it might lean more toward being a Snape fic with strong R/T elements. Something like snipping all the R/T references out of the Severus Snape book series. It was an idea I've had since HBP, but I could never figure out how to work it out, so I never pursued it, but after seeing "sectumsempra" as one of my prompts, the idea resurfaced and wouldn't get out of my head until it was written.
Shadows
Severus Snape walked down the long corridor toward Transfiguration class. It seemed to be taking longer than usual to get there. He was about to turn the corner when he heard something that made him stop.
“So does that mean you’re giving up on Lily?”
He slowly backed against the wall. The voice belonged to Sirius Black. He thought for sure he was talking to James Potter. But James Potter give up on Lily Evans? His heart began to race.
“I never had any hopes on her to begin with, Padfoot.”
No. Unfortunately it wasn’t James Potter.
“James’ my best mate,” said Black, “but you shouldn’t stop trying just because he fancies her too.”
Severus felt something drop in his chest.
“Who said I was trying?” asked Remus Lupin indignantly.
“You’re right,” Black scoffed, “You don’t even make eye contact with her when she talks to you. What’s that look for? It’s true. Frankly Moony, you’re more Lily Evans’ type than Prongs is.”
“Look, this isn’t about James alright.”
“Oh … “ Black droned ironically. “It’s about your furry little problem isn’t it?”
There was a pause. Severus leaned his ear as close to the corner as he dared, straining to hear.
“Yes, Sirius, it is.”
“Well of course it is. It always is.”
“Sirius,” said Lupin in a warning tone.
“Moony. A girl like her wouldn’t care.”
“It doesn’t matter if she cares or not.”
“Remus. Will you stop for one second of your miserable life and not be a noble prat for once?”
“No.”
“So you’re going to abstain from women forever and become a dried up monk just because you’ve got a little problem?”
“It’s not a little problem!”
“So you say.”
“You don’t know what it’s like.”
“Whatever, mate.”
“Sev!”
Severus jumped. He turned around to see Lily running up to him. Her books clutched to her chest and her long red hair flowing behind her.
“Lily, what are you doing here?”
“We have Transfiguration together silly.”
Severus stared at her. “But you’re dead.”
She smiled at him. “No I’m not.”
“But-“ he started. He was confused. He suddenly couldn’t remember where he was.
She wrapped her arms around him tightly. He tensed.
“Lily wha-“
“Promise me you’ll take care of him,” she whispered fiercely into his hair.
He shivered at the air of her breath against his ear and wrapped his arms her thin body. She seemed barely there. “I have been, Lily. I promise you. I’ve been protecting Harry with my life.”
She looked up at him with her same sweet smile holding his hands gently in hers. “Harry too.”
He frowned at her. “Too?” His eyes widened. “Lily, you can’t mean …”
“Take care of them both,” she said as she drifted away dissipating into the dark corridor.
“Lily!”
Severus awoke with a start. He groaned and threw the covers off. Rubbing his face in frustration he crossed to the sink on the other side of the room. He turned the cold faucet on and splashed the water into his face. Leaning his wet face back he took a deep breath and willed emptiness to consume his mind.
It had been a long time since Lily had appeared in his dreams. He usually made sure to clear his mind each night to prevent it from happening. It was as much pain as pleasure to dream about her, making him feel aggravated in the morning. He got enough of that from his students, Harry Potter, and sometimes Dumbledore. How could he have forgotten?
His eye caught on a crumbled piece of parchment that lay on the rickety dresser next to the sink. He picked it up and unfolded it.
Oh. That was why.
It was the recipe for Wolfsbane potion Dumbledore had given him the night before after informing him Remus Lupin would be taking on the Defense Against the Dark Arts position. Severus had stared at the parchment in stupefied silence as Dumbledore told him about this recent innovation, how it would allow Lupin to teach at Hogwarts in perfect safety, and since it was a potion of utmost complexity would he do him the great favor of concocting it every month. A heated argument had ensued. At least, a heated argument on Severus’ part. Dumbledore, on the other hand, had remained infuriatingly calm, deflecting all of Severus’ insinuations, and trumping the conversation as usual leading Severus to stomp down to his quarters too incensed to even remember his nightly ritual.
In retrospect, he wasn’t sure what had prompted him to lose his temper. Obviously Dumbledore wouldn’t take Lupin’s connections with Black seriously because of the incessant habit of trust he had. He wouldn’t have expected anything less of Dumbledore.
Pieces of his dream surfaced in his mind. He was about to push them away, but the content of the memory caught his attention. Remus Lupin and Lily. The conversation he had stumbled on was the only piece he ever had to go on about Lupin’s feelings toward her. Black had been right. You would have never been able to tell he liked her by the way he acted around her. Severus had spent the week after obsessively observing Lupin and any reactions he could have had toward Lily, which was almost none. He supposed Lupin had been serious about not wanting to involve himself with women because of his lycanthropy.
He was clearly a true Gryffindor in the sense that he didn’t have a Slytherin bone in his body. Slytherin were never gracious. They took what they wanted. But just because Lupin didn’t go after it, didn’t mean he didn’t still want it. Truth be told, as much as Severus would never admit to it, he had less reason to despise Lupin as much as he despised his other three mates. Though Lupin never stopped them from attacking him, he never participated either, yet disgust for the man existed regardless. Lily could have something to do with it.
“Frankly Moony, you’re more Lily Evans’ type … “
Oh yes. Lily definitely had something to do with it.
“Take care of them both,” he heard her whisper. Severus reached up, brushing his ear with his hand. He blinked and turned his head in the direction the whisper had come from.
There was nobody there.
Severus walked down the hall of Number Twelve Grimmauld Place tensed. He had arrived at headquarters much earlier than he would have liked. He made quite an effort of always getting to meetings right on time so that he would not have to suffer the company of the rest of the Order, particularly Sirius Black. Unfortunately on this occasion it was this or having to suffer another twenty minutes of Dumbledore’s Before Term Faculty Social. He had originally thought that the latter was lesser of the two evils, but after half an hour Trelawney’s faux mystical proclamations of her all-powerful all-seeing eye and Flickwit’s already almost drunken reenactments of his greatest dueling championships, Severus decided that exchanging old friendly banter with Black would perhaps be preferable.
He could already hear Black’s voice as he approached the door to the basement kitchen. He was about to turn the door knob, when something made him stop.
“You aren’t still in love with Lily after all this time are you?
“What?” asked Lupin’s voice incredulously. “Sirius, that was ages ago. It was a … school boy crush. I was never ‘in love’ with Lily. Why in Merlin are you bringing that up?”
“Because I want to know what possible reasonable reason you could have for ignoring Tonks.”
“I am not discussing this.”
“If you tell me it’s because you’re being a stupid noble prat again, I’m going to hex you.”
“I’ll counter it.”
“It is! Moony I swear! Why have you not grown out of this?”
“Because it’s not something to ‘grow out’ of, Padfoot. It’s the right thing to do.”
“Right thing my furry unregistered animagus ass! You have the potion. How can you still deny yourself of wonderful earthly pleasures?”
“It doesn’t bother you at all that you’re referring your own cousin?”
“She deserves wonderful earthly pleasures too! Given to her by a wonderful stupid prat who- ”
“Sirius just stop. Even if I have the potion, I am still a werewolf. I still am too old for her. I am still too poor to give her anything worthwhile.”
“Do you think Tonks will care about any of that?”
“Even if she doesn’t care … she deserves more.”
“You’re completely incorrigible.”
“Then I guess you’ll have to give up on me.”
“And deny myself of the challenge? Really, Moony, you know me better than that.”
“Unfortunately. Though I’ll remind you that you’re ‘challenges’ are always what got you and James landed in detention so often.”
“Exactly! It was great fun!”
“And you’re calling me incorrigible?”
“Remember when we set Mrs. Norris’ tail on fire with water repellent flames? I’d never seen Filch so frantic! It was bloody brilliant! And just when he was about to figure out how to put it out James whips out his wand and-“
Severus leaned against the wall, Black’s rouge adolescent tale tuning out of his hearing. He felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from him. Lupin wasn’t still in love with Lily. He never had been. Severus closed his eyes and breathed out the relief. Thin arms wrapped themselves around his chest, tightening contentedly.
“I’m forever yours.”
The grounds were empty. Muddy footprints of students marked on stone steps outside the castle. Severus’ eyes searched the darkness, the ruckus of the Great Hall reaching his ears even from outside the front doors where he stood.
Potter had not come strutting into the castle with his two sidekicks as he usually did. He had spotted the two entering the Great Hall without him showing clear expressions of worry. Severus had wasted no time in sweeping out of the Hall while the students were still getting settled and brushing past the line of first years entering the castle.
A considerable amount of effort had been organized among the Order to assure that Potter would get to school safely. Mediocre though most of them were, they usually were able to accomplish their tasks, so Severus waited. If a message wasn’t sent in the next ten minutes, he would seek out the boy himself.
Just as expected, a glint of silver flew from the grounds a moment later. It materialized at his feet into the form of a wolf.
“I’ve got Harry. Heading toward front gates.”
The patronus dissolved. Severus stared at the place it had been. It had spoken unmistakably with the voice of Nymphadora Tonks, but he knew her patronus, and it wasn’t a wolf. What’s more, it wasn’t just any kind of wolf. Even in a patronus form, Severus could identify the differences between a normal wolf …. and a werewolf.
A memory floated into his mind of being in a dark room struggling to produce a patronus. It was one of the few spells he had failed to accomplish before leaving Hogwarts. After entering Dumbledore’s service, he had insisted Severus learn it properly for the purpose of communication much to Severus’ aggravation. He had worked constantly at the spell until one night when a silver doe had walked up gently nuzzling him where he had collapsed in shock at the form that had produced from his wand. It was the same form he had seen Lily’s patronus take in their N.E.W.T. Defense Against Dark Arts classes.
So … Tonks was in love with Lupin as well, Severus realized. But Lupin won’t do anything about it, he thought remembering the conversation he overheard at Grimmauld Place.
He felt disgusted. It was bad enough she had fallen in love with a werewolf, but it was even more irritating that that she really didn’t seem to care, and once again, Lupin wasn’t grasping what he desired and could surely have. It was sickly pathetic.
But it wasn’t any business of his. His business was getting Potter to the castle. He set off into the dark grounds, a lantern in his hand and a ghostly doe by his side.
In the middle of a meeting with Kingsley Shacklebolt, Severus began to hear yelling coming from the drawing room above the kitchen. He ignored the commotion at first, but it didn’t seem to be ceasing. He finally paused in the middle of speech and made the slightest glance up at the ceiling.
“Don’t worry about that,” said Shacklebolt without looking up from the documents that lay on the table, “Remus is having some personal problems. It’s been pretty usual lately.”
“Not something to be worried about then,” Severus remarked dryly.
“Not really,” Shacklebolt commented lightly.
They finished up their meeting continuing to ignore the noise from above, but it left Severus feeling agitated. Normally such occurrences didn’t have any affect on him, but unfortunately, Severus’ carefully managed composure had been unstable of late.
It had only been a few days since his argument with Dumbledore, and his mind was still in disarray over what he had told him. Though evidently unperturbed or unaware by his state of distraught, Dumbledore had sent Severus to headquarters to transmit some important information to Shaklebolt and deliver the usual dose of Wolfsbane potion to Remus Lupin who would be also be stopping by.
Usually Severus, just left the potion on the kitchen table, but his agitation was clearly making him unreasonable because he somehow found himself ascending the stairs of Grimmauld Place for the first time with a smoking goblet in hand and a mind full of malicious intent.
“But I don’t care!” he could hear her yell as he approached the door of the drawing room.
“I don’t want you to go through what I have to go through!”
Severus paused outside the door waiting for the right moment.
“How can I know what you go through when you won’t even give me a chance to see?”
“I don’t want you to have to see.”
Severus knocked halfheartedly on the door but it was drowned out by Tonks’ outcry.
“For Merlin’s sake! You keep talking about what I deserve. You deserve not to have people shut out of your life! Please … don’t shut me out Remus,” she ended meekly.
Severus wrinkled his nose in contempt. She sounded defeated. He had never liked the girl, but he knew her for her determination which she could have never gotten so far without. He would have not expected the proclaimed respected auror to sound so utterly pathetic.
“I … have to. I-I can’t. I’m sorry.”
Now Severus felt like gagging, if he did such things. Lupin sounded even worse than her. Could such people really be members of the great Order of the Phoenix? He couldn’t stand it. His hand turned the door knob.
They were standing very close to each other in front of the grated fireplace. Both their heads turned toward him as he stepped through the door.
Severus raised his eyebrows in feigned surprise. “Not interrupting am I?”
“No. I was just leaving,” Tonks said stiffly heading toward the door, slamming it behind her.
Lupin sighed quietly and turned toward the fireplace. “What can I do for you Severus?” he asked tiredly without looking.
“I was afraid with the … ah … excitement, that you might forget about your potion.”
“Oh … yes … the potion,” he said, still not turning around. “Thank you Severus.”
Severus was getting annoyed. Lupin’s mind was clearly still on the girl. He walked forward and thrust the goblet in front of him. “Dumbledore would be upset if he knew it hadn’t gotten to you properly.”
“Oh!” Lupin said taking the goblet. “You’ve brought it up. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize.”
“You should take it straight away.”
“Yes, of course.”
Snape turned to leave.
“How’re things … on your side? If you don’t mind my asking.”
Severus stared at him wondering what had brought about the awkward question. “Fine,” he answered curtly. “Yours?”
“Not bad. Though I wasn’t able to attend the latest advancement due to … well…” He held up his goblet in a halfhearted mocked toast and drank.
Snape stared at him. “How did you ever end up in Gryffindor?”
Lupin choked on the potion. “I’m sorry?”
“Gryffindor. House of the brave. Correct me if I’m wrong.”
Lupin frowned. “Are you calling me a coward?”
“That potion puts you in your right mind. I don’t see how your … ailment … should inhibit you so drastically. Unless … you’re taking a leaf out of your old friend Black’s book.”
“What exactly are you insinuating?”
“I am insinuating that you are making worthless excuses.”
Lupin gaped at him. “How is that taking a leaf out of Sirius’ book? You know Dumbledore ordered him to stay in hiding for his own safety.”
“Ah … then you are making your own leaf because as I recall, you have no such orders.”
“In case you didn’t notice Severus, I am not in hiding.”
“I beg to differ.”
“It’s precaution.”
“It’s pathetic. You have the advantages of an animagus, and you choose not to use it.”
“A werewolf’s bite is still a bite.”
“An advantage is an advantage,” Severus spat. “Only fools and cowards hide behind worthless excuses not to use them to get what they truly desire.”
He swept out of the room before Lupin could respond, heading straight down the stairs, and out the front door apparating directly to Spinner’s End. He collapsed in an armchair shaking. He had stayed too long and said too much. He didn’t know why he had provoked Lupin. It was a habit he usually reserved for Black, but the leading question had been out of his mouth before he could stop himself. He had let his anger get the better of him in a pointless argument. How foolish. He prided himself on self control. A master occulems they called him. Perhaps he had been even more distraught than he realized.
He fell asleep in the armchair forgetting again to clear his mind. That night Lily came to him touching his left arm gently.
“I’m sorry Severus. We’re from different sides.”
“But I’m on your side now! I am!”
She smiled at him.
They all were hidden around Potter’s home, ready to attack the moment he and his protectors left the charm guarded house. Severus had the misfortune to be stationed with Bellatrix who was overly ecstatic about the mission.
“Oh, if she’s here, I’m going to blast her pretty head off,” she cackled happily. “I’d do the werewolf too him I could lay my wand on him. That’ll show those filthy half breeds to tarnish a pureblood line!”
Severus turned toward her. “Though I share your enthusiasm, Bellatrix,” he said dryly under his breath, “the point of stealth, I might remind you, is to be quiet.”
She glared at him murderously. He ignored her and returned his gaze toward Potter’s house. Truthfully, he did not share her enthusiasm at all. In fact, he was strangely disturbed. Bellatrix tended to be disturbing regularly. He had known her long enough to be used to it, but this time her words brought about a strange sense of discomfort. He knew there was going to be a lot of lives at stake with multiple Potters and an equal number of guards. The chances of losing a life or two seemed inevitable. It wasn’t uncommon, but Severus was in charge of the spying, not the saving any lives besides for Potter’s. Saving fell on those in the Order who weren’t under the Dark Lord’s watchful eye. But lately, losing lives bothered him more and more. Somehow, he was tired of losing them.
They were out, he realized. Severus squinted in the dark. There had to be twelve or fourteen of them. More than he thought they would dare. The discomfort grew. Severus barely acknowledged it before they were all in the sky.
“GO!” he shouted.
Thirty figures rose into the air and surrounded them, but there was mass confusion as the Death Eaters realized there was more than one Potter, each heading in different directions. Severus went after the first pair he could focus on. He chased after them with a few other fellow Death Eaters at his side. Yaxely moved ahead of him his wand aimed. The wind made the hood of the protector’s cloak fall back. Severus could see brown hair and glints of silver.
It was Lupin, he realized.
Time seemed to slow as Severus watched Yaxely raise his wand, aiming for Lupin’s back. He stared at his hand.
“Save him,” said a voice.
Severus didn’t need to turn to see where it had come from. He knew Lily was flying along side him. Her hands guided his wand …
“Sectumsempra!” he shouted.
Yaxely jerked slightly to the right causing the spell to soar right past his mark and head toward Lupin and the Potter.
In a moment of horror, Severus watched the spell siphon off the Potter’s ear.
“NO!” he shouted silently in his mind.
The Potter nearly fell off the broom. Lupin grabbed him just in time, pulling him back before turning awkwardly to shoot a few spells at his pursuers. Their eyes met briefly. Lupin’s eyes wild with fury. Severus stared back steadily, but his mind was in chaos. Was it the real Potter? Had he killed him? Had he failed her?
“He’s alive. He’s safe.”
Severus was on the edge of the Forbidden Forest standing on the very edge of the disillusioned area the Dark Lord had partitioned off as the Death Eaters’ base. The uproar of battle reached him from afar. It made him anxious, but he didn’t dare show it. He needed to go find Harry before it was too late, but the Dark Lord had ordered him to stay at the base, away from the battle, until he was called. There was no excuse he could give to leave his post without raising suspicion.
The sound of an explosion came from the school followed by a quiet whimper utter behind him. Severus tried to ignore it. With him at base was Narcissa Malfoy, who had insisted on coming to the battle despite Lucius’ objections, declaring she would not stay at home to await the fate of her son and husband. The Dark Lord had forced her to stay at base as well warning her on pain of death not to interfere.
A woman began screeching triumphantly in the distance. Severus couldn’t make out what she was saying. He squinted his eyes to try and see what had brought about the excitement.
“Bella,” Narcissa whispered. Severus turned toward her curious.
“She’s killed them,” she whispered her eyes wide, “She finally killed them.”
“Who?” he asked frightened, thinking she meant Harry and his friends.
“The werewolf. And that girl.”
Severus stared at her, not quite comprehending. He focused his hearing on Bellatrix’s screeches trying to discern the words.
“Half breed filth! This is what you get for tainting a pureblood house! Weak blood! Weak blood! You deserve everything you got! Everything! You deserve defeat! You deserve death!” Her cackles pierced the cold night air.
“My sister’s daughter,” Narcissa breathed, her words muted by the hands that covered her mouth.
Severus watched her confused by her sudden emotion. She collapsed to her knees. “Draco!” she cried.
He knelt before her grabbing her wrists. “Get a hold of yourself Narcissa,” he said fiercely, “You are of no use to him like this. The Dark Lord could punish you both more if he sees you so.”
Narcissa quieted, though her eyes remained full of desperation. Severus left her there and returned to his watch post where he gazed out onto the school grounds that served as the battle field. He felt numb.
So they were dead.
When the Dark Lord had announced they had gotten married, Severus hadn’t exactly jumped for joy. Lupin had finally stopped being a fool and finally took what had been dangling in front of him for so long. Despite his obnoxious hesitation, he had succeeded in gaining what Severus had wanted most, but could never have. The thought had irritated him with sharp bitterness.
Now Bellatrix had gotten what she wanted.
“Weak blood!”
Weak? Yes, Remus Lupin had been weak. Always too weak to seek what he wanted. Following, obeying, obliging, letting his lycanthropy get the better of him. All things considered, Bellatrix was right. He deserved defeat. He deserved death.
Then why was he bothered so much by it?
“Weak blood!” she had jeered to their dead bodies.
“Mudblood!” he had shouted at Lily.
He had lost her forever in that moment. He had condemned her for the same reason she was killed. For the same reason they were killed.
Weak blood. Mudblood. What did it matter? He loved Lily. James Potter had loved Lily. Remus Lupin had loved Nymphadora Tonks.
Dumbledore was wrong, Dumbledore who preached the power of love. He claimed that it would be love, in the end, that would defeat the Dark Lord, but how could have been right when all Severus could see was love being defeated?
Perhaps the Dark Lord had been right all along. Dumbledore had been always wrong. Severus had been a fool.
He closed his eyes. “What is this all for?” he pleaded.
“Will you stop protecting Harry then?”
“Stop?”
“If you were wrong, why continue to protect Harry?”
“How can I?”
“Tell me.”
“I’m protecting him for you. For as long as I can. I’ll protect him for you because I love you.”
“Do you regret loving me?”
“I could never.”
“Even if means being wrong? Even if it means being defeated?”
“Even so.”
“That is what you’re fighting for.”
Severus opened his eyes. He turned toward Narcissa, still crouched on the ground. He placed a hand on her shoulder. She looked up at him, her eyes glazed over. “Draco will be fine,” he said plainly.
She stared at him for a moment and finally nodded.
“Severus,” said a male voice.
Severus looked up to see Lucius Malfoy crossing the barrier.
“He wants to see you in the Shrieking Shack.”
Severus nodded and brushed past him, crossing out of the barrier and heading down the dark path.