Feminine Anatomy
Title: Feminine Anatomy
Author: oneandonlysusan
Ratings and Warnings: PG-13 for implied sexual behavior and quite a few conversations about bras and breasts; my weird sense of humor.
Word Count: 5,295
Genre: "Mystery" and Humor
Prompts: Day of Obstinacy, Decoy Detonator, "Mystery", Location Prompt #6, bra hanging on door.
Summary: Set during the summer before OotP. Sirius encounters a bra on Remus’ door and attempts to solve the mystery of just who owns the suggestive piece of fabric.
Author’s Notes: This really isn't as weird as it sounds, I promise. I really enjoyed writing this, so I hope you enjoy the read. I attempted to use all four prompts, but strictly speaking, my genre prompt is probably off. "Mystery" is in quotation marks, as you'll see while reading, and I'd have to say humor is my main genre. But let me know if you think this genre is humorously "mysterious" enough for me to say I've used all four prompts. :)
Sirius Black, despite often being in the company of others, knew that he was destined to be alone. Alone in the romantic sense, of course. He had dated plenty of beautiful witches, but he supposed that watching James and Lily’s arduous and tumultuous seven year long courtship end in steady and invariable true love had made him very conscious of the fact that love made someone both literally and figuratively complete. He had spent more than a decade alone with his thoughts in Azkaban, and he was unsure that there was any female in the world who could possibly understand what his life was like. Let alone that there was any female interested in dating an escaped murderer who couldn’t leave his childhood home and hadn’t shaved in-how long had it been-a week, perhaps?
But what he had been sure of, until just a moment ago, was that his fellow remaining Marauder, Remus Lupin, was going to share this destiny. They would be left as bachelors together, at least until this war was over and his name was cleared and anti-werewolf legislation was repealed. But that seemed so unreal and so far in the distant future that Sirius could only imagine the here and now. It was easy to imagine Remus alongside him, the two of them wasting away (he would of course be infinitely more good-looking) living in this mess of a house with only the memories of their times at school together. Remus, who as a teenager refused to be shoved into a broom closet with many a willing Hogwarts witch. Remus, the noble Marauder, who had refused serious relationships in the past because of what he was. Remus, the werewolf, who Sirius had thought until just a moment ago, hadn’t gotten any in eons.
That moment felt like hours ago. Sirius’ mind was escaping him and he couldn’t focus on anything but what he was staring at. He had just noticed something extraordinarily out of place. Something he was still staring at, his unshaven cheeks slack, his mouth hanging wide open. He could feel the pocket of drool collecting against the backs of his yellowed lower teeth. Sirius Black was dumbfounded.
There was a bra on Remus Lupin’s door.
It was simple enough, just plain black, no lace or bows or any overtly feminine decorations. It was just hanging from the top corner, one strap slung casually over the top of the door. The rest of it dangled downwards, floating with unknown grace just past the top panel of the door. It was a stark contrast to the door’s newly painted white wood. Neither did it belong with sky-blue wall of Remus’ room in Grimmauld Place. Sirius hadn’t noticed it when he had come in and shut the door behind him, looking for-
What had he been looking for?
Never mind. It obviously wasn’t important. There was a bra hanging from Remus Lupin’s door. Sirius Black was mesmerized. He was dumbfounded. He had never before seen anything like this. He was-
Caught? Bugger.
The door creaked open, and he shook his brain quickly, trying to get a mental hold on the situation before being confronted.
Remus appeared in the doorway, his silver-streaked brown hair looking as out of place as the bra hanging above him. Sirius felt a grin come to his face as Remus’ eyes widened in unmistakable confusion.
“You do know your room is down the hall, Padfoot?” Remus asked dryly, pushing the door all the way open. The bra was invisible from Sirius’ eyes now, except for a tiny sliver of black strap that was suspending it on the other side of the door. Remus leaned against the doorframe, raising his eyebrows in what was obviously a gesture towards Sirius to explain himself.
Sirius felt he was rather not the person that needed to do the explaining, so he put on his best mirror-image of Remus’ face and stared him down.
“I can of course direct you there,” Remus continued, “It worries me, though, that you can’t find it yourself, even in sobriety.”
Sirius rolled his eyes. Now was definitely not the time for Remus’ dry humor. There were obviously more pressing matters to attend to. Sirius put his hand on his hip, and pointed at the sliver of black hanging on the door. “What is that?” he asked. He watched Remus turn in the direction of his pointed finger. Had he imagined the color drain from his friend’s face? Remus stepped out of the doorway and slowly pushed the door closed.
There it was. Still dangling so unceremoniously. If there had been wind, it would have been fluttering ever so lightly upon it. Remus cleared his throat. Sirius felt his grin widen.
Several seconds of silence followed.
“It’s a bra,” Remus said, breaking the silence with words that were much too matter-of-fact.
Sirius moved his hand to his chin and slowly stroked his unkempt face. He definitely hadn’t imagined Remus’ face lose its color. His face was more pallid than normal, (and that was saying something, considering Moony was normally white as chalk.) His expression was unreadable, even for Sirius, who had known him almost thirty years.
“No, Moony,” Sirius repeated slowly, as if he were talking to an idiot, “What is that?”
“Sirius, I thought you had experience with these sorts of things?” Remus said, the words leaving his mouth more quickly, his expression changing to one of boredom. “You’ve certainly removed plenty more than I have. It’s an undergarment used by women to--”
“I know what it’s used for, Moony,” Sirius interrupted, inching closer and putting a finger in his friend’s face. “What I’m wondering, precisely, is what it is doing on your door?”
“I thought you knew I became a female werewolf when I transform,” Remus said casually. He walked into the room, sat down on the bed, and picked up the forest colored jumper lying upon it.
Sirius snorted. “A female werewolf, no. I’ll say no also to a cross-dressing human.”
Remus raised an eyebrow. “I’m glad you think so, Padfoot. I’ve given you enough evidence. You lived with me for seven years, and I never once dressed effeminately.”
Sirius focused intently on Remus’ eyes. “So we’re establishing that it isn’t yours, then?”
Remus shrugged. “I doubt it. I hardly have the anatomy to pull off such a specialized device.”
Sirius smirked outwardly, but sighed in his thoughts. Moony was so bloody indifferent during confrontations.
“Whose is it then?” Sirius asked. His blunt question parted the air between them and paved the way for a heavy moment of silence. He watched as Remus began to fold the jumper, his eyes focused fixedly on the perfect alignment of the sleeves.
“I haven’t the slightest idea,” Remus said. His voice was emotionless. Too contrived. He knew. He definitely knew. He’d probably taken it off with his teeth, the bloody wolf. Was a proper congratulation in order? Sirius felt Remus’ eyes focus on him and he narrowed his own.
“I doubt it, Moony,” Sirius said, still staring pointedly at his friend.
Remus shrugged his shoulders. “I really couldn’t tell you how it got there,” he said, his voice unnaturally flat. Sirius grinned and walked over to the door.
“So you won’t mind if I take it, then?” Sirius asked, raising an arm and pulling the bra down from the door. It was soft and stretchy, and he folded it and tucked it under his arm. “Someone’s probably missing it, bouncing around without it.”
“I doubt it,” Remus said quickly, “It seems practical that women would own more than one.”
Sirius rolled his eyes. Moony would talk about the practicality of owning more than one bra. “Well, I’m sure someone will claim it if I bring it to the Order meeting later,” he told Remus, keenly finding his friend’s eyes with his own. “After all, it’s got to belong to an Order member, nobody else is allowed in here.” Remus’ eyes flickered from the Sirius to the bra and back again. He stood up from the bed.
“It’s really none of your business,” Remus said, crossing his arms as he walked across the room to face Sirius, “Though your obstinacy is to be commended.” He uncrossed his arms and held out a hand. “I’d be happy to find out who the rightful owner is and return it.”
“You’ve got enough to do,” Sirius replied sweetly, moving the arm with the bra underneath it farther away from Remus. “I, on the other hand, am confined to this house with little to nothing to do. This could be a bit of a mystery for me…Who is my best friend is shagging?”
“I’m not shagging anyone,” Remus said. Much too quickly, and much too defensively. Where was his trademark unruffled touch? And was that a blush coming to his cheeks?
“Correction,” Sirius interrupted. “You’re shagging someone, but you’re keeping it from me. More evidence that it’s someone in the Order; it means I know them and you’re both keeping it a secret from everyone.”
Sirius watched Remus bite his lip. Their eyes met again.
“You could tell me who it is,” Sirius suggested. “It might save you a lot of embarrassment.”
“There’s really nothing to tell,” Remus said.
“All right then, Moony,” Sirius said, shrugging his shoulders in a gesture of nonchalance. “It doesn’t matter to me. I’ll find out anyway. I’ll see you at the Order meeting in an hour?” He backed out of the door, watching Remus’ unreadable expression with a light heart.
xxx
Thinking of ideas for Phase One: Investigation had been remarkably easier than Sirius Black had thought. Despite Moony’s practical words that women might own more than one bra, Sirius decided a survey of the Order women was very much necessary. He made a mental list, beginning with McGonagall, who was a definitely not- Although, it was Moony, and he had harbored a crush on her as a student. Perhaps, it was hers, now that he thought about it. There was a definite and sort of disgusting age gap, but McGonagall and Remus? Hmm…Then there was Hestia, who was a perhaps, mostly because she seemed too giggly for Remus. Maybe she had a more serious side that Moony had found when he removed her bra? And Emmeline. Sirius could see her as much more likely, so stately and serious all the time. She probably read Remus books with her bra off.
What other females were there in the Order? There was Molly, but that was an obvious no. And then there was Mrs. Figg, but she smelled like cats and was definitely mad. And she was probably close to Dumbledore’s age. And…Tonks. He’d forgotten about her. He stopped to evaluate. She probably wore bras to match her neon hair with pictures of the Weird Sisters on them, and she seemed much too young for Remus and had an incomparably larger amount of energy than he did. Probably not. All the same though, he was always there to pick her up when she tripped on the umbrella stand.
If he had to choose now, before investigating at all, he’d have to go with Emmeline, McGonagall at a far second. Was Moony shagging Emmeline? If so, why hadn’t he told him? It had never been in Moony’s nature to kiss and tell, but really. Your best mate shouldn’t find out you’re shagging someone by seeing that someone’s bra hanging on your door.
Truth be told, Sirius felt a little put out by being left in the dark about the bra. He would’ve told Moony if there were anyone in the Order he’d be interested in shagging. Not that there was. Definitely not.
Sirius tiptoed into the kitchen. Part of his plan was to arrive early to the meeting, and he seemed to have succeeded. The kitchen was empty, but he could hear creaking on the staircase. He placed the bra in the center of the kitchen table and grinned at his blunt lack of ingenuity. Moony was going to murder him.
Molly and Arthur Weasley entered from the staircase; Molly was lecturing Arthur about something. Bill was coming down the staircase behind them. Molly made her way over to a cabinet and began to pull out teacups. Arthur followed, levitating them over to the table.
“I told him that it was just ridiculous,” Molly said, “But Mundungus never listens to anyone.”
“Don’t worry about it, Molly,” Arthur said, putting his hands around her waist. “Dumbledore will deal with it. It’s not your responsibility.”
“Whose is that?” Bill’s voice interrupted Sirius’ thoughts. He was pointing at the ludicrously inappropriate centerpiece.
Sirius shrugged. “I figured someone would claim it.”
Bill grinned. “Mum’s going to hex you for lewdness.”
Sirius grinned back. “It’s not mine; I’m merely returning it to its rightful owner.”
“You know Mum though; she thinks all of that is better left unseen and unheard,” Bill said, as Emmeline, Hestia, and Kingsley walked into the kitchen, followed by Dedalus Diggle and Mundungus Fletcher. Molly fell silent, but continued to remove teacups from the cabinets distractedly. Hestia and Emmeline sat down at the table, chatting idly, and Sirius studied them with new interest. They took no notice of the bra in the center of the table, and neither (Sirius craned his neck to have a better look) seemed to be missing one.
Kingsley, Dedalus and Mundungus sat down opposite them. Dedalus gave a nervous giggle as he noticed the bra, and Mundungus leaned across the table to look at it in interest.
“Bet I could fetch ten galleons fer that,” Mundungus said, “Is it made of dragonhide?”
“It’s cotton,” Sirius said. He made eye contact with Kingsley, who was sniggering. Mungundus shrugged, no longer interested, and sat back in his seat.
“Why is on the table?” Dedalus asked nervously.
“Found it,” Sirius replied. “Someone probably left it here.” Hestia and Emmeline looked up with interest. “D’you know whose it is?” he asked them.
Emmeline looked at Sirius, the bra, and then at Sirius again. Her expression was extremely miffed. “I don’t know,” she said, pushing a lemon-colored piece of hair behind her ear, “but I find it to be highly inappropriate.”
Sirius let out a rumble of laughter. It definitely wasn’t Emmeline’s.
“How about you?” he asked Hestia.
Hestia’s pink cheeks vibrated in a girlish giggle. “No, I don’t,” she said indifferently. “But Mrs. Weasley’s going to murder you when she sees it.” Sirius nodded, a slight smile coming to his face. It probably wasn’t Hestia’s either.
Mad-Eye Moody entered the kitchen next with Tonks on his left and Snape flanking them. Tonks caught her foot on the same plank of wood she always did, and Moody put out an arm to steady her.
“Wotcher, everyone,” she said cheerily, as she had just been prevented from having her knees make painful contact with the floor. She bounded over to Molly to help with making the tea. Mad-Eye looked at the center of the table.
“What in the name of Merlin is that doing there?” he asked brusquely.
“I found it. Someone left it lying around,” Sirius replied.
“Did you strip it down?” Mad-Eye asked. Sirius, Kingsley, Bill and Mundungus sniggered loudly. “It could be a dark object,” Mad-Eye said gruffly.
“It’s a bra,” Sirius replied, as if that settled it.
“Mad-Eye’s right,” Mundungus affirmed, “Probly has tons ‘a dark magic in it. Blasted women.”
Sirius and Bill laughed out loud. McGonagall entered the kitchen with Remus to her right. They were talking quietly, and Sirius’ ears perked up in an attempt to eavesdrop.
“I’m really sorry about it, I didn’t think it would happen,” Remus apologized.
“It’s my fault, Remus,” McGonagall said, “I shouldn’t have left it lying around.”
Sirius’ ears nearly fell off his head. Had he heard what he’d thought?
McGonagall approached, looked at the bra, and surveyed the length of table. Her eyes fell on Sirius, and her lips tightened. He wondered if it was in an attempt to keep from yelling or smiling.
“Sirius, could you please remove the undergarments from the table?” McGonagall asked, “I know you love to tell and retell the stories of your masculine prowess, but the good majority of us don’t care.”
“I care,” Dung said loudly.
McGonagall raised an eyebrow, and Mundungus stopped talking.
“What undergarments?” Tonks asked, coming up from behind Sirius and handing him a teacup. “Who’d you shag, Sirius?”
“Nobody,” Remus jut in. “He’s just living vicariously through others.”
Sirius stopped for a second. He thought shouting “At least I’m not shagging McGonagall” might be as inappropriate as leaving the bra out on the table in the first place. “Well,” Sirius said, “I wouldn’t have to live vicariously through anyone if my best mate wouldn’t keep secrets from me.”
“Of course you would, Black,” Snape said nastily, taking a seat at the table, “You can’t leave this pathetic house. You’re living through anyone who can.”
Sirius shot Snape a nasty look. “Listen, Snivellus,” Sirius said, “Shut the greasy mouth, I don’t need to hear it.”
“I’m not purposefully keeping anything from you, Padfoot,” Remus interrupted. “I was going to talk to you about it eventually.”
“So you are shagging someone?” Dung said, “Congrats, mate!”
Remus’ cheeks began to glow in the slightest of pinks, and Sirius watched as his eyes traced over the other members of the Order. He didn’t seem to linger on anyone in particular, but Sirius knew that was only because Moony knew that he was watching him.
“Ah!” said a new voice. “I’d been looking for that.” Sirius looked up with a start, his concentration on Remus’ eyes interrupted. Dumbledore was smiling serenely and pulling his glittering, moon-covered purple clock off.
“Er…What, sir?” Sirius asked distractedly. Dumbledore flicked his wand, and the bra came fluttering towards him.
“Really, Sirius,” Molly harangued as she bustled toward the table with a steaming teapot, “Must you be so inappropriate?”
Sirius didn’t answer. He was staring at Dumbledore in astonishment.
“I asked Remus to pick it up for me from Zonko's, didn’t I, Remus?”
Sirius looked at Remus, whose eyes were looking past him at someone behind him. He whirled his head around to see Tonks, but Remus’ eyes were on Dumbledore now.
“I brought it, just as you asked, sir,” Remus replied. Sirius could tell he was trying to mask his surprise in a straight-faced expression.
“Ingenious, really,” Dumbledore said. “Look how clever." He tapped his wand against the bra and a shower of candies flew upward and landed in snuggly in one of the cups.
“Ooh,” Hestia squealed. Dumbledore tipped the candies into an empty teacup on the table and Dung reached out to grab a fistful. He tucked the bra in one of the folds of his cloak and smiled calmly at Remus.
Bullocks. Sirius almost groaned aloud. Count on Dumbledore to cover for Moony.
“Shall we commence the meeting?” Dumbledore asked happily, pushing his crescent-shaped lenses up his crooked nose.
Sirius met Remus’ eyes again. Remus shrugged in an expression of nonchalance, but he had a distinct half-smile on his face that told Sirius he’d thought he’d won. Sirius just shook his head slowly and turned towards Dumbledore, pretending to listen fixedly, but instead plotting for Phase Two.
xxx
“If you had to set Remus up with anyone in the Order, who would it be and why?”
Fred and George’s faces peered up at Sirius from their spots on the floor. They were surrounded by loads of small black objects that looked sort of like mushrooms. Sirius was leaning in the doorway of their room looking contemplative.
George shrugged as he poked at one of the nearest black objects with his wand. “D’you want it to be a serious thing, or just something that we could laugh about after?”
“Right,” chimed in Fred, “Because it’d be hysterical to set up Professor Lupin and Mrs. Figg-”
“But that’s not serious,” George said. “Well, I mean, I guess it could be.”
“Does Professor Lupin like older women?” Fred asked. He flipped one of the black objects upside down and poked at it with his wand.
“I don’t think so,” Sirius replied. He hoped his words sounded convincing. The words Moony had exchanged with McGonagall seemed to be evidence to the contrary. “What are these things, anyway?” He came into the room and sat down on the floor next to them.
“The first batch of our Decoy Detonators,” George said.
“They still need work though. You’re supposed to be able to drop one and it’ll run off and make a noise to give you a diversion.”
“But they don’t really walk yet, only stumble,” George said.
“And they don’t make a noise yet,” Fred added.
“And they’ve got sort of a stupid shape. Like a breast or something.”
“I was thinking more of a mushroom,” Fred said. “But, if you like breasts.”
“I do, thanks,” George said, “But regardless, we need to get them looking fiercer.”
Was it just Sirius or was everything revolving around breasts today?
“I’ll give you a few pointers if you want,” Sirius said, “but answer my question seriously for a moment.”
“Are you thinking of setting him up with someone?” Fred asked idly as he picked up a Decoy Detonator and shook it, then tapped his wand against it again.
“Er…yeah, as a matter of fact, I am. Think it’ll be good for him.”
George stopped poking at the nearest Decoy Detonator and looked pensive. “I’d say…Probably Tonks.”
“Definitely Tonks,” Fred added. Sirius nodded slowly. He had not been expecting that answer. He waited for them to continue.
“Tonks is fun and they’re always talking and laughing together.”
“And Professor Lupin doesn’t mind that she constantly trips over that same plank of wood in the kitchen or bangs into the umbrella stand, he just helps her up every time,” Fred said.
“Plus, she spends a lot of time around here,” George added, “So it’d be easy to get them alone together. They spend time alone together anyway.”
Sirius nodded again, evaluating their suggestion. Now that they said it, he had seen Remus’ eyes flicker towards Tonks during the Order meeting. Why had he thought the idea of them together seemed so ludicrous when he originally considered it? It seemed so perfect now that he considered it. Except for the words Remus had exchanged with McGonagall.
“You don’t think there’s too much of an age gap?” Sirius asked. He guessed they didn’t, but he had to make sure before he began plotting Phase Three.
“I don’t think so,” Fred answered, stacking two of the Decoy Detonators on top of each other and tapping each of them with his wand. “We’re all dealing with stuff that’s making everyone grow up too fast.”
“That’s why we’re helping out,” George said, pointing at the stacks of Skiving Snackboxes and trick wands to his left. “People have still got to smile even if You-Know-Who’s out there.”
“Besides,” Fred said, pushing the Decoy Detonators away from him in frustration. He shrugged and made eye contact with Sirius, a smile tugging his freckled face upward. “Professor Lupin’s young at heart, and Tonks doesn’t always have a pig nose.”
Sirius grinned. He was convinced. She definitely didn't the night her bra found its way to Remus' door.
xxx
Moments later, Sirius skidded to a halt in front of Moony’s bedroom door. He stared at the white paint, wondering what he should say. Should he shout through the door that he’d figured out who Moony was shagging? Knock quietly and have a heart to heart about why he’d kept a secret from his best mate, then revert back into their teenage boy ways and talk about Tonks? He took two deep breaths, lifted his arms, and let his fists alternate making contact with the door.
“MOONY!” he yelled, “I KNOW YOU’VE BEEN SHAGGING TONKS!”
He could hear muffled laughter from behind the door and he sighed. Remus knew he knew. Bugger. The door opened, and that face of the woman that greeted him made him keel over backward in surprise. She had a tight bun pulling her hair back from her face, and a thin-lipped smile.
“McGonagall?” Sirius asked. If it were possible for eyes to fall out of a head with surprise, his definitely would have.
“Certainly,” she replied. “Who were you expecting?”
Sirius didn’t say anything, he just pushed the door open farther to see Remus lying on the bed, grinning.
“You- What?” Sirius sputtered. “I don’t- Are you really-” He stopped to think. What about the conversation he’d overheard between them. Had they been talking about leaving the bra out? And what about when Remus had made eye contact with Tonks when Dumbledore had came into the conversation? Or what Fred and George had said about him picking her up every time she fell, or that the age difference didn’t matter because everyone had grown up too quickly? He turned suspiciously towards McGonagall again, who was now grinning widely. A mischievous, recognizable grin. A grin he had never before seen on his former professor. He looked at Remus again, who was raising an eyebrow at Sirius.
“You aren’t McGonagall!” Sirius shouted, waving his finger at Tonks-McGonagall. “You,” he said, waving his other hand at Remus, “You, my fellow Marauder, have been shagging my cousin!”
Tonks allowed her features to melt back into her own, but her smile remained. She was wearing Remus’ forest-green sweater (the one he had so attentively folded earlier) and her hair was pink and spiky again. Remus stood up from the bed and came behind her to put his arms around her waist and his chin on her shoulder.
“It was your bra!” Sirius said triumphantly. “I knew it!”
Tonks laughed, as Remus let his lips linger on her cheek. “Should I have swiped it back after I realized that you had placed it in the center of the table?”
“’Course you should’ve,” Sirius said, “You could have saved me a lot less investigation.”
“You call whatever that was investigation?” Remus asked. Sirius grinned in spite of himself.
“I figured it out,” he said delightedly. “Even though I was put off by overhearing your conversation with McGonagall.”
“What conversation?” Remus asked.
“You apologized for something and then she said that it was her fault that she’d left that something out,” Sirius said. “I thought that it might’ve been you and her talking about the bra.”
“Have you been shagging McGonagall?” Tonks asked, waggling an eyebrow and turning towards Remus.
“I most definitely have not,” Remus replied, squeezing her hip. “She was apologizing for leaving the maps out one day because we thought that Ron and Hermione might have seen them. Sirius smiled. Thank Merlin Moony wasn’t shagging McGonagall.
“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Sirius asked seriously.
“I apologize, Padfoot; this all happened much faster than I expected.” He kissed Tonks’ cheek again. “I planned to fill you in of course, and still do. Do forgive me.”
“’Course I will,” Sirius said. “Sorry about letting myself into your room,” he said to Remus. He turned to Tonks, suddenly aware that his idea of leaving the bra on the table might not have been his most creative one yet, “And…er…sorry about showing your bra to the entire Order.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Tonks reassured him cheerily. “I would have never learned how to make candy come out of it if Dumbledore hadn’t showed me after the meeting.”
“So you got it back, then?”
“Sure did,” Tonks replied. “And he told me to be careful not to leave my clothes around for you to find again, because he wasn’t sure how easy it would be to cover for me next time. He said Hestia corned him after the meeting and asked him tons of questions about the candy bras that Zonko’s doesn’t actually sell.”
Sirius roared with laughter, but was interrupted with a startling crash that sounded as if it were coming from upstairs.
“What was that?” Remus asked. He pulled his wand warily from his pocket. Tonks and Sirius had done the same. They sprinted out the door and to the staircase and heard a second crash and then someone shout “YES!”
Sirius rounded a corner and heard a third crash coming from Fred and George’s room. The door was open, and he skidded to a halt in the doorway. Remus bumped lightly into him, but Tonks tumbled into Remus and the three of them landed in a tangle of limbs in the doorway. Sirius unraveled himself as best he could, stood up, and looked around the room. There were loads of those tiny Decoy Detonators scurrying around; they were on the walls and in the chandelier, on the headboards of the beds and bouncing on top of them.
“You got them to work, then?” Sirius asked, grinning.
“Mostly.” Fred and George’s mirror-image freckled faces grinned back at him.
“They still look like breasts, though,” George said.
Remus lowered his wand. “I can help you with that if you’d like,” he offered. “I know a charm that ought to do the trick.” He sat down beside them and tapped one of the Decoy Detonators. The top grew to a horn-like point.
“Brilliant!” George said excitedly.
“What do they do?” Tonks asked with interest, poking her wand at one of the ones that was climbing on the bedpost.
“They create a diversion,” Fred said, “You can throw them down and they scamper off and make a loud noise. We call them Decoy Detonators. We finally got them really walking and making loud noises today.”
“Brilliant,” Tonks said.
Sirius smiled, watching as Fred and George huddled and watched Moony show them the charm. Tonks was peering over his shoulder and had one of her hands resting on his back. He suddenly missed James more than he had in ages. Moony had Tonks now, and Sirius had fallen back into the comfortable connection with loneliness one might have with an old friend.
“I’ll be off then,” he said. “Looks like you have this entirely under control.”
xxx
Sirius awoke the next morning to yet another extraordinary sight. Could it be? What was he looking at, exactly? Was that a-
There was a bra hanging from his door. He stood up and walked cautiously towards it, wondering what humor Remus and Tonks saw in hanging her bra from his door. Couldn’t they see the wistful way he had already begun to look at them?
Wait-Was the bra moving? How in the name of Merlin?
He was two feet from it now, and it looked like it was scurrying in midair, so its feet (its feet?) were pointlessly waving in an effort to crawl off of the door. Was he seeing things? He was inches from it before he realized what it was.
Two hornless Decoy Detonators, strung together with straps and a band.
He roared with laughter and pulled the decoy bra off the door. It scrambled in his hands and kicked a note he hadn’t noticed was hanging from it towards him.
Padfoot-
I made you something as a reward for your brilliant detective skills. You might want to stun it before you wear it, and perhaps also transfigure yourself some more specialized feminine anatomy to fill it properly. You’re still my best mate even if it will never look quite as good on you as it does on Tonks.
Moony
Sirius grinned. It seemed as if the friendship between the last of the Marauders wouldn’t be changing too much. He wondered if Moony would be so quick to call them best mates when he let the decoy bra detonate in his room to wake him up.
xxx
Author: oneandonlysusan
Ratings and Warnings: PG-13 for implied sexual behavior and quite a few conversations about bras and breasts; my weird sense of humor.
Word Count: 5,295
Genre: "Mystery" and Humor
Prompts: Day of Obstinacy, Decoy Detonator, "Mystery", Location Prompt #6, bra hanging on door.
Summary: Set during the summer before OotP. Sirius encounters a bra on Remus’ door and attempts to solve the mystery of just who owns the suggestive piece of fabric.
Author’s Notes: This really isn't as weird as it sounds, I promise. I really enjoyed writing this, so I hope you enjoy the read. I attempted to use all four prompts, but strictly speaking, my genre prompt is probably off. "Mystery" is in quotation marks, as you'll see while reading, and I'd have to say humor is my main genre. But let me know if you think this genre is humorously "mysterious" enough for me to say I've used all four prompts. :)
Sirius Black, despite often being in the company of others, knew that he was destined to be alone. Alone in the romantic sense, of course. He had dated plenty of beautiful witches, but he supposed that watching James and Lily’s arduous and tumultuous seven year long courtship end in steady and invariable true love had made him very conscious of the fact that love made someone both literally and figuratively complete. He had spent more than a decade alone with his thoughts in Azkaban, and he was unsure that there was any female in the world who could possibly understand what his life was like. Let alone that there was any female interested in dating an escaped murderer who couldn’t leave his childhood home and hadn’t shaved in-how long had it been-a week, perhaps?
But what he had been sure of, until just a moment ago, was that his fellow remaining Marauder, Remus Lupin, was going to share this destiny. They would be left as bachelors together, at least until this war was over and his name was cleared and anti-werewolf legislation was repealed. But that seemed so unreal and so far in the distant future that Sirius could only imagine the here and now. It was easy to imagine Remus alongside him, the two of them wasting away (he would of course be infinitely more good-looking) living in this mess of a house with only the memories of their times at school together. Remus, who as a teenager refused to be shoved into a broom closet with many a willing Hogwarts witch. Remus, the noble Marauder, who had refused serious relationships in the past because of what he was. Remus, the werewolf, who Sirius had thought until just a moment ago, hadn’t gotten any in eons.
That moment felt like hours ago. Sirius’ mind was escaping him and he couldn’t focus on anything but what he was staring at. He had just noticed something extraordinarily out of place. Something he was still staring at, his unshaven cheeks slack, his mouth hanging wide open. He could feel the pocket of drool collecting against the backs of his yellowed lower teeth. Sirius Black was dumbfounded.
There was a bra on Remus Lupin’s door.
It was simple enough, just plain black, no lace or bows or any overtly feminine decorations. It was just hanging from the top corner, one strap slung casually over the top of the door. The rest of it dangled downwards, floating with unknown grace just past the top panel of the door. It was a stark contrast to the door’s newly painted white wood. Neither did it belong with sky-blue wall of Remus’ room in Grimmauld Place. Sirius hadn’t noticed it when he had come in and shut the door behind him, looking for-
What had he been looking for?
Never mind. It obviously wasn’t important. There was a bra hanging from Remus Lupin’s door. Sirius Black was mesmerized. He was dumbfounded. He had never before seen anything like this. He was-
Caught? Bugger.
The door creaked open, and he shook his brain quickly, trying to get a mental hold on the situation before being confronted.
Remus appeared in the doorway, his silver-streaked brown hair looking as out of place as the bra hanging above him. Sirius felt a grin come to his face as Remus’ eyes widened in unmistakable confusion.
“You do know your room is down the hall, Padfoot?” Remus asked dryly, pushing the door all the way open. The bra was invisible from Sirius’ eyes now, except for a tiny sliver of black strap that was suspending it on the other side of the door. Remus leaned against the doorframe, raising his eyebrows in what was obviously a gesture towards Sirius to explain himself.
Sirius felt he was rather not the person that needed to do the explaining, so he put on his best mirror-image of Remus’ face and stared him down.
“I can of course direct you there,” Remus continued, “It worries me, though, that you can’t find it yourself, even in sobriety.”
Sirius rolled his eyes. Now was definitely not the time for Remus’ dry humor. There were obviously more pressing matters to attend to. Sirius put his hand on his hip, and pointed at the sliver of black hanging on the door. “What is that?” he asked. He watched Remus turn in the direction of his pointed finger. Had he imagined the color drain from his friend’s face? Remus stepped out of the doorway and slowly pushed the door closed.
There it was. Still dangling so unceremoniously. If there had been wind, it would have been fluttering ever so lightly upon it. Remus cleared his throat. Sirius felt his grin widen.
Several seconds of silence followed.
“It’s a bra,” Remus said, breaking the silence with words that were much too matter-of-fact.
Sirius moved his hand to his chin and slowly stroked his unkempt face. He definitely hadn’t imagined Remus’ face lose its color. His face was more pallid than normal, (and that was saying something, considering Moony was normally white as chalk.) His expression was unreadable, even for Sirius, who had known him almost thirty years.
“No, Moony,” Sirius repeated slowly, as if he were talking to an idiot, “What is that?”
“Sirius, I thought you had experience with these sorts of things?” Remus said, the words leaving his mouth more quickly, his expression changing to one of boredom. “You’ve certainly removed plenty more than I have. It’s an undergarment used by women to--”
“I know what it’s used for, Moony,” Sirius interrupted, inching closer and putting a finger in his friend’s face. “What I’m wondering, precisely, is what it is doing on your door?”
“I thought you knew I became a female werewolf when I transform,” Remus said casually. He walked into the room, sat down on the bed, and picked up the forest colored jumper lying upon it.
Sirius snorted. “A female werewolf, no. I’ll say no also to a cross-dressing human.”
Remus raised an eyebrow. “I’m glad you think so, Padfoot. I’ve given you enough evidence. You lived with me for seven years, and I never once dressed effeminately.”
Sirius focused intently on Remus’ eyes. “So we’re establishing that it isn’t yours, then?”
Remus shrugged. “I doubt it. I hardly have the anatomy to pull off such a specialized device.”
Sirius smirked outwardly, but sighed in his thoughts. Moony was so bloody indifferent during confrontations.
“Whose is it then?” Sirius asked. His blunt question parted the air between them and paved the way for a heavy moment of silence. He watched as Remus began to fold the jumper, his eyes focused fixedly on the perfect alignment of the sleeves.
“I haven’t the slightest idea,” Remus said. His voice was emotionless. Too contrived. He knew. He definitely knew. He’d probably taken it off with his teeth, the bloody wolf. Was a proper congratulation in order? Sirius felt Remus’ eyes focus on him and he narrowed his own.
“I doubt it, Moony,” Sirius said, still staring pointedly at his friend.
Remus shrugged his shoulders. “I really couldn’t tell you how it got there,” he said, his voice unnaturally flat. Sirius grinned and walked over to the door.
“So you won’t mind if I take it, then?” Sirius asked, raising an arm and pulling the bra down from the door. It was soft and stretchy, and he folded it and tucked it under his arm. “Someone’s probably missing it, bouncing around without it.”
“I doubt it,” Remus said quickly, “It seems practical that women would own more than one.”
Sirius rolled his eyes. Moony would talk about the practicality of owning more than one bra. “Well, I’m sure someone will claim it if I bring it to the Order meeting later,” he told Remus, keenly finding his friend’s eyes with his own. “After all, it’s got to belong to an Order member, nobody else is allowed in here.” Remus’ eyes flickered from the Sirius to the bra and back again. He stood up from the bed.
“It’s really none of your business,” Remus said, crossing his arms as he walked across the room to face Sirius, “Though your obstinacy is to be commended.” He uncrossed his arms and held out a hand. “I’d be happy to find out who the rightful owner is and return it.”
“You’ve got enough to do,” Sirius replied sweetly, moving the arm with the bra underneath it farther away from Remus. “I, on the other hand, am confined to this house with little to nothing to do. This could be a bit of a mystery for me…Who is my best friend is shagging?”
“I’m not shagging anyone,” Remus said. Much too quickly, and much too defensively. Where was his trademark unruffled touch? And was that a blush coming to his cheeks?
“Correction,” Sirius interrupted. “You’re shagging someone, but you’re keeping it from me. More evidence that it’s someone in the Order; it means I know them and you’re both keeping it a secret from everyone.”
Sirius watched Remus bite his lip. Their eyes met again.
“You could tell me who it is,” Sirius suggested. “It might save you a lot of embarrassment.”
“There’s really nothing to tell,” Remus said.
“All right then, Moony,” Sirius said, shrugging his shoulders in a gesture of nonchalance. “It doesn’t matter to me. I’ll find out anyway. I’ll see you at the Order meeting in an hour?” He backed out of the door, watching Remus’ unreadable expression with a light heart.
xxx
Thinking of ideas for Phase One: Investigation had been remarkably easier than Sirius Black had thought. Despite Moony’s practical words that women might own more than one bra, Sirius decided a survey of the Order women was very much necessary. He made a mental list, beginning with McGonagall, who was a definitely not- Although, it was Moony, and he had harbored a crush on her as a student. Perhaps, it was hers, now that he thought about it. There was a definite and sort of disgusting age gap, but McGonagall and Remus? Hmm…Then there was Hestia, who was a perhaps, mostly because she seemed too giggly for Remus. Maybe she had a more serious side that Moony had found when he removed her bra? And Emmeline. Sirius could see her as much more likely, so stately and serious all the time. She probably read Remus books with her bra off.
What other females were there in the Order? There was Molly, but that was an obvious no. And then there was Mrs. Figg, but she smelled like cats and was definitely mad. And she was probably close to Dumbledore’s age. And…Tonks. He’d forgotten about her. He stopped to evaluate. She probably wore bras to match her neon hair with pictures of the Weird Sisters on them, and she seemed much too young for Remus and had an incomparably larger amount of energy than he did. Probably not. All the same though, he was always there to pick her up when she tripped on the umbrella stand.
If he had to choose now, before investigating at all, he’d have to go with Emmeline, McGonagall at a far second. Was Moony shagging Emmeline? If so, why hadn’t he told him? It had never been in Moony’s nature to kiss and tell, but really. Your best mate shouldn’t find out you’re shagging someone by seeing that someone’s bra hanging on your door.
Truth be told, Sirius felt a little put out by being left in the dark about the bra. He would’ve told Moony if there were anyone in the Order he’d be interested in shagging. Not that there was. Definitely not.
Sirius tiptoed into the kitchen. Part of his plan was to arrive early to the meeting, and he seemed to have succeeded. The kitchen was empty, but he could hear creaking on the staircase. He placed the bra in the center of the kitchen table and grinned at his blunt lack of ingenuity. Moony was going to murder him.
Molly and Arthur Weasley entered from the staircase; Molly was lecturing Arthur about something. Bill was coming down the staircase behind them. Molly made her way over to a cabinet and began to pull out teacups. Arthur followed, levitating them over to the table.
“I told him that it was just ridiculous,” Molly said, “But Mundungus never listens to anyone.”
“Don’t worry about it, Molly,” Arthur said, putting his hands around her waist. “Dumbledore will deal with it. It’s not your responsibility.”
“Whose is that?” Bill’s voice interrupted Sirius’ thoughts. He was pointing at the ludicrously inappropriate centerpiece.
Sirius shrugged. “I figured someone would claim it.”
Bill grinned. “Mum’s going to hex you for lewdness.”
Sirius grinned back. “It’s not mine; I’m merely returning it to its rightful owner.”
“You know Mum though; she thinks all of that is better left unseen and unheard,” Bill said, as Emmeline, Hestia, and Kingsley walked into the kitchen, followed by Dedalus Diggle and Mundungus Fletcher. Molly fell silent, but continued to remove teacups from the cabinets distractedly. Hestia and Emmeline sat down at the table, chatting idly, and Sirius studied them with new interest. They took no notice of the bra in the center of the table, and neither (Sirius craned his neck to have a better look) seemed to be missing one.
Kingsley, Dedalus and Mundungus sat down opposite them. Dedalus gave a nervous giggle as he noticed the bra, and Mundungus leaned across the table to look at it in interest.
“Bet I could fetch ten galleons fer that,” Mundungus said, “Is it made of dragonhide?”
“It’s cotton,” Sirius said. He made eye contact with Kingsley, who was sniggering. Mungundus shrugged, no longer interested, and sat back in his seat.
“Why is on the table?” Dedalus asked nervously.
“Found it,” Sirius replied. “Someone probably left it here.” Hestia and Emmeline looked up with interest. “D’you know whose it is?” he asked them.
Emmeline looked at Sirius, the bra, and then at Sirius again. Her expression was extremely miffed. “I don’t know,” she said, pushing a lemon-colored piece of hair behind her ear, “but I find it to be highly inappropriate.”
Sirius let out a rumble of laughter. It definitely wasn’t Emmeline’s.
“How about you?” he asked Hestia.
Hestia’s pink cheeks vibrated in a girlish giggle. “No, I don’t,” she said indifferently. “But Mrs. Weasley’s going to murder you when she sees it.” Sirius nodded, a slight smile coming to his face. It probably wasn’t Hestia’s either.
Mad-Eye Moody entered the kitchen next with Tonks on his left and Snape flanking them. Tonks caught her foot on the same plank of wood she always did, and Moody put out an arm to steady her.
“Wotcher, everyone,” she said cheerily, as she had just been prevented from having her knees make painful contact with the floor. She bounded over to Molly to help with making the tea. Mad-Eye looked at the center of the table.
“What in the name of Merlin is that doing there?” he asked brusquely.
“I found it. Someone left it lying around,” Sirius replied.
“Did you strip it down?” Mad-Eye asked. Sirius, Kingsley, Bill and Mundungus sniggered loudly. “It could be a dark object,” Mad-Eye said gruffly.
“It’s a bra,” Sirius replied, as if that settled it.
“Mad-Eye’s right,” Mundungus affirmed, “Probly has tons ‘a dark magic in it. Blasted women.”
Sirius and Bill laughed out loud. McGonagall entered the kitchen with Remus to her right. They were talking quietly, and Sirius’ ears perked up in an attempt to eavesdrop.
“I’m really sorry about it, I didn’t think it would happen,” Remus apologized.
“It’s my fault, Remus,” McGonagall said, “I shouldn’t have left it lying around.”
Sirius’ ears nearly fell off his head. Had he heard what he’d thought?
McGonagall approached, looked at the bra, and surveyed the length of table. Her eyes fell on Sirius, and her lips tightened. He wondered if it was in an attempt to keep from yelling or smiling.
“Sirius, could you please remove the undergarments from the table?” McGonagall asked, “I know you love to tell and retell the stories of your masculine prowess, but the good majority of us don’t care.”
“I care,” Dung said loudly.
McGonagall raised an eyebrow, and Mundungus stopped talking.
“What undergarments?” Tonks asked, coming up from behind Sirius and handing him a teacup. “Who’d you shag, Sirius?”
“Nobody,” Remus jut in. “He’s just living vicariously through others.”
Sirius stopped for a second. He thought shouting “At least I’m not shagging McGonagall” might be as inappropriate as leaving the bra out on the table in the first place. “Well,” Sirius said, “I wouldn’t have to live vicariously through anyone if my best mate wouldn’t keep secrets from me.”
“Of course you would, Black,” Snape said nastily, taking a seat at the table, “You can’t leave this pathetic house. You’re living through anyone who can.”
Sirius shot Snape a nasty look. “Listen, Snivellus,” Sirius said, “Shut the greasy mouth, I don’t need to hear it.”
“I’m not purposefully keeping anything from you, Padfoot,” Remus interrupted. “I was going to talk to you about it eventually.”
“So you are shagging someone?” Dung said, “Congrats, mate!”
Remus’ cheeks began to glow in the slightest of pinks, and Sirius watched as his eyes traced over the other members of the Order. He didn’t seem to linger on anyone in particular, but Sirius knew that was only because Moony knew that he was watching him.
“Ah!” said a new voice. “I’d been looking for that.” Sirius looked up with a start, his concentration on Remus’ eyes interrupted. Dumbledore was smiling serenely and pulling his glittering, moon-covered purple clock off.
“Er…What, sir?” Sirius asked distractedly. Dumbledore flicked his wand, and the bra came fluttering towards him.
“Really, Sirius,” Molly harangued as she bustled toward the table with a steaming teapot, “Must you be so inappropriate?”
Sirius didn’t answer. He was staring at Dumbledore in astonishment.
“I asked Remus to pick it up for me from Zonko's, didn’t I, Remus?”
Sirius looked at Remus, whose eyes were looking past him at someone behind him. He whirled his head around to see Tonks, but Remus’ eyes were on Dumbledore now.
“I brought it, just as you asked, sir,” Remus replied. Sirius could tell he was trying to mask his surprise in a straight-faced expression.
“Ingenious, really,” Dumbledore said. “Look how clever." He tapped his wand against the bra and a shower of candies flew upward and landed in snuggly in one of the cups.
“Ooh,” Hestia squealed. Dumbledore tipped the candies into an empty teacup on the table and Dung reached out to grab a fistful. He tucked the bra in one of the folds of his cloak and smiled calmly at Remus.
Bullocks. Sirius almost groaned aloud. Count on Dumbledore to cover for Moony.
“Shall we commence the meeting?” Dumbledore asked happily, pushing his crescent-shaped lenses up his crooked nose.
Sirius met Remus’ eyes again. Remus shrugged in an expression of nonchalance, but he had a distinct half-smile on his face that told Sirius he’d thought he’d won. Sirius just shook his head slowly and turned towards Dumbledore, pretending to listen fixedly, but instead plotting for Phase Two.
xxx
“If you had to set Remus up with anyone in the Order, who would it be and why?”
Fred and George’s faces peered up at Sirius from their spots on the floor. They were surrounded by loads of small black objects that looked sort of like mushrooms. Sirius was leaning in the doorway of their room looking contemplative.
George shrugged as he poked at one of the nearest black objects with his wand. “D’you want it to be a serious thing, or just something that we could laugh about after?”
“Right,” chimed in Fred, “Because it’d be hysterical to set up Professor Lupin and Mrs. Figg-”
“But that’s not serious,” George said. “Well, I mean, I guess it could be.”
“Does Professor Lupin like older women?” Fred asked. He flipped one of the black objects upside down and poked at it with his wand.
“I don’t think so,” Sirius replied. He hoped his words sounded convincing. The words Moony had exchanged with McGonagall seemed to be evidence to the contrary. “What are these things, anyway?” He came into the room and sat down on the floor next to them.
“The first batch of our Decoy Detonators,” George said.
“They still need work though. You’re supposed to be able to drop one and it’ll run off and make a noise to give you a diversion.”
“But they don’t really walk yet, only stumble,” George said.
“And they don’t make a noise yet,” Fred added.
“And they’ve got sort of a stupid shape. Like a breast or something.”
“I was thinking more of a mushroom,” Fred said. “But, if you like breasts.”
“I do, thanks,” George said, “But regardless, we need to get them looking fiercer.”
Was it just Sirius or was everything revolving around breasts today?
“I’ll give you a few pointers if you want,” Sirius said, “but answer my question seriously for a moment.”
“Are you thinking of setting him up with someone?” Fred asked idly as he picked up a Decoy Detonator and shook it, then tapped his wand against it again.
“Er…yeah, as a matter of fact, I am. Think it’ll be good for him.”
George stopped poking at the nearest Decoy Detonator and looked pensive. “I’d say…Probably Tonks.”
“Definitely Tonks,” Fred added. Sirius nodded slowly. He had not been expecting that answer. He waited for them to continue.
“Tonks is fun and they’re always talking and laughing together.”
“And Professor Lupin doesn’t mind that she constantly trips over that same plank of wood in the kitchen or bangs into the umbrella stand, he just helps her up every time,” Fred said.
“Plus, she spends a lot of time around here,” George added, “So it’d be easy to get them alone together. They spend time alone together anyway.”
Sirius nodded again, evaluating their suggestion. Now that they said it, he had seen Remus’ eyes flicker towards Tonks during the Order meeting. Why had he thought the idea of them together seemed so ludicrous when he originally considered it? It seemed so perfect now that he considered it. Except for the words Remus had exchanged with McGonagall.
“You don’t think there’s too much of an age gap?” Sirius asked. He guessed they didn’t, but he had to make sure before he began plotting Phase Three.
“I don’t think so,” Fred answered, stacking two of the Decoy Detonators on top of each other and tapping each of them with his wand. “We’re all dealing with stuff that’s making everyone grow up too fast.”
“That’s why we’re helping out,” George said, pointing at the stacks of Skiving Snackboxes and trick wands to his left. “People have still got to smile even if You-Know-Who’s out there.”
“Besides,” Fred said, pushing the Decoy Detonators away from him in frustration. He shrugged and made eye contact with Sirius, a smile tugging his freckled face upward. “Professor Lupin’s young at heart, and Tonks doesn’t always have a pig nose.”
Sirius grinned. He was convinced. She definitely didn't the night her bra found its way to Remus' door.
xxx
Moments later, Sirius skidded to a halt in front of Moony’s bedroom door. He stared at the white paint, wondering what he should say. Should he shout through the door that he’d figured out who Moony was shagging? Knock quietly and have a heart to heart about why he’d kept a secret from his best mate, then revert back into their teenage boy ways and talk about Tonks? He took two deep breaths, lifted his arms, and let his fists alternate making contact with the door.
“MOONY!” he yelled, “I KNOW YOU’VE BEEN SHAGGING TONKS!”
He could hear muffled laughter from behind the door and he sighed. Remus knew he knew. Bugger. The door opened, and that face of the woman that greeted him made him keel over backward in surprise. She had a tight bun pulling her hair back from her face, and a thin-lipped smile.
“McGonagall?” Sirius asked. If it were possible for eyes to fall out of a head with surprise, his definitely would have.
“Certainly,” she replied. “Who were you expecting?”
Sirius didn’t say anything, he just pushed the door open farther to see Remus lying on the bed, grinning.
“You- What?” Sirius sputtered. “I don’t- Are you really-” He stopped to think. What about the conversation he’d overheard between them. Had they been talking about leaving the bra out? And what about when Remus had made eye contact with Tonks when Dumbledore had came into the conversation? Or what Fred and George had said about him picking her up every time she fell, or that the age difference didn’t matter because everyone had grown up too quickly? He turned suspiciously towards McGonagall again, who was now grinning widely. A mischievous, recognizable grin. A grin he had never before seen on his former professor. He looked at Remus again, who was raising an eyebrow at Sirius.
“You aren’t McGonagall!” Sirius shouted, waving his finger at Tonks-McGonagall. “You,” he said, waving his other hand at Remus, “You, my fellow Marauder, have been shagging my cousin!”
Tonks allowed her features to melt back into her own, but her smile remained. She was wearing Remus’ forest-green sweater (the one he had so attentively folded earlier) and her hair was pink and spiky again. Remus stood up from the bed and came behind her to put his arms around her waist and his chin on her shoulder.
“It was your bra!” Sirius said triumphantly. “I knew it!”
Tonks laughed, as Remus let his lips linger on her cheek. “Should I have swiped it back after I realized that you had placed it in the center of the table?”
“’Course you should’ve,” Sirius said, “You could have saved me a lot less investigation.”
“You call whatever that was investigation?” Remus asked. Sirius grinned in spite of himself.
“I figured it out,” he said delightedly. “Even though I was put off by overhearing your conversation with McGonagall.”
“What conversation?” Remus asked.
“You apologized for something and then she said that it was her fault that she’d left that something out,” Sirius said. “I thought that it might’ve been you and her talking about the bra.”
“Have you been shagging McGonagall?” Tonks asked, waggling an eyebrow and turning towards Remus.
“I most definitely have not,” Remus replied, squeezing her hip. “She was apologizing for leaving the maps out one day because we thought that Ron and Hermione might have seen them. Sirius smiled. Thank Merlin Moony wasn’t shagging McGonagall.
“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Sirius asked seriously.
“I apologize, Padfoot; this all happened much faster than I expected.” He kissed Tonks’ cheek again. “I planned to fill you in of course, and still do. Do forgive me.”
“’Course I will,” Sirius said. “Sorry about letting myself into your room,” he said to Remus. He turned to Tonks, suddenly aware that his idea of leaving the bra on the table might not have been his most creative one yet, “And…er…sorry about showing your bra to the entire Order.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Tonks reassured him cheerily. “I would have never learned how to make candy come out of it if Dumbledore hadn’t showed me after the meeting.”
“So you got it back, then?”
“Sure did,” Tonks replied. “And he told me to be careful not to leave my clothes around for you to find again, because he wasn’t sure how easy it would be to cover for me next time. He said Hestia corned him after the meeting and asked him tons of questions about the candy bras that Zonko’s doesn’t actually sell.”
Sirius roared with laughter, but was interrupted with a startling crash that sounded as if it were coming from upstairs.
“What was that?” Remus asked. He pulled his wand warily from his pocket. Tonks and Sirius had done the same. They sprinted out the door and to the staircase and heard a second crash and then someone shout “YES!”
Sirius rounded a corner and heard a third crash coming from Fred and George’s room. The door was open, and he skidded to a halt in the doorway. Remus bumped lightly into him, but Tonks tumbled into Remus and the three of them landed in a tangle of limbs in the doorway. Sirius unraveled himself as best he could, stood up, and looked around the room. There were loads of those tiny Decoy Detonators scurrying around; they were on the walls and in the chandelier, on the headboards of the beds and bouncing on top of them.
“You got them to work, then?” Sirius asked, grinning.
“Mostly.” Fred and George’s mirror-image freckled faces grinned back at him.
“They still look like breasts, though,” George said.
Remus lowered his wand. “I can help you with that if you’d like,” he offered. “I know a charm that ought to do the trick.” He sat down beside them and tapped one of the Decoy Detonators. The top grew to a horn-like point.
“Brilliant!” George said excitedly.
“What do they do?” Tonks asked with interest, poking her wand at one of the ones that was climbing on the bedpost.
“They create a diversion,” Fred said, “You can throw them down and they scamper off and make a loud noise. We call them Decoy Detonators. We finally got them really walking and making loud noises today.”
“Brilliant,” Tonks said.
Sirius smiled, watching as Fred and George huddled and watched Moony show them the charm. Tonks was peering over his shoulder and had one of her hands resting on his back. He suddenly missed James more than he had in ages. Moony had Tonks now, and Sirius had fallen back into the comfortable connection with loneliness one might have with an old friend.
“I’ll be off then,” he said. “Looks like you have this entirely under control.”
xxx
Sirius awoke the next morning to yet another extraordinary sight. Could it be? What was he looking at, exactly? Was that a-
There was a bra hanging from his door. He stood up and walked cautiously towards it, wondering what humor Remus and Tonks saw in hanging her bra from his door. Couldn’t they see the wistful way he had already begun to look at them?
Wait-Was the bra moving? How in the name of Merlin?
He was two feet from it now, and it looked like it was scurrying in midair, so its feet (its feet?) were pointlessly waving in an effort to crawl off of the door. Was he seeing things? He was inches from it before he realized what it was.
Two hornless Decoy Detonators, strung together with straps and a band.
He roared with laughter and pulled the decoy bra off the door. It scrambled in his hands and kicked a note he hadn’t noticed was hanging from it towards him.
Padfoot-
I made you something as a reward for your brilliant detective skills. You might want to stun it before you wear it, and perhaps also transfigure yourself some more specialized feminine anatomy to fill it properly. You’re still my best mate even if it will never look quite as good on you as it does on Tonks.
Moony
Sirius grinned. It seemed as if the friendship between the last of the Marauders wouldn’t be changing too much. He wondered if Moony would be so quick to call them best mates when he let the decoy bra detonate in his room to wake him up.
xxx