Goodbye, Niní
I never had a mom who would bake cookies or help me with my homework. She's been a business woman since she left college. Instead of all the things that some people may think i missed on, my mom gave me a great education and the opportunity to travel and know cultures beyond mine. She gave me the tools i needed to be where i am today. I will always be thankful, love her, and respect her for that.
My grandma, who lived with us, was the one who baked cookies and made sure we were out of trouble when we were kids. She was one of the most important persons in my life. She became very attached to me as she became older. I think it all started when, one Saturday morning at 7 am, i accompanied her on her 20 minutes walk to the bank so that she can pick up her monthly social security check.I remember the reason why i started going to the bank with her because once i realized how long of a walk it was, i got scared that something might happen to her. I think i was 14 years old when this happened.
As she started loosing her sight, she relied more and more on me. No only to go to the bank to pick up her check every month, but to do other things around the house....until i left. Moving to the U.S. to finish school was one of the hardest things to do for me because i knew how hard it will be for her without me being around. She understood and knew that it was a good opportunity for me, so she told me i had to go.
Every year i traveled back home for Christmas and Summer break so that she knew i never forgot about her. She was special because, unlike my parents or my brother and sister, she could not come to visit me since some of her health issues and her poor sight will not allow her to endure such a long trip. Every six months i arrived back to my parent's house and she will be there waiting for me no matter how late it was. The last couple of years her health really deteriorated and she stopped waiting for me if my flight arrived too late. I started noticing how much she was changing, how older she was getting, and how for her i turned into this memory that comes to make her happy for a few weeks, but then intensely sad when i had to say goodbye. About a year ago, she bought me a fancy Cross pen as an advanced gift for my graduation and asked me to sign anything i had to sign with it on the day of my graduation. That pen is one of my most treasured possessions.
She new her health was complicated. The last time i was there she gave me some money to buy something for Jamie's parents, since Jamie's mom sent some cookies she baked for Christmas. As usual, she gave me more money than what i needed. I told her i will buy her something for her, but with my stupid stress and all my stupid unnecessary distractions, i never did. I ended up spending her money in something else because i ran out of money and time to go to atm and get some money out to give her her money back. I told her i will bring it back and buy her something when i come back in August, but i won't. She passed away this morning and she will no longer be there waiting for my arrival and ask me what do i want to eat and how was my flight. She will no longer ask me to speak English and smile.
She was scared about being alone and she did not want to be forgotten. I am so sad because i will never know how she felt about me not being there before she passed away. Everyone got to see her at the hospital yesterday. My mom told me she was awake and responsive, as opposed to the week previous to that, but that it was because of some morphine they gave her for the pain. The last time i talked to her on the phone, was about 3 weeks ago right after she fell and hit her head, which started everything.
Why did i not go there to visit her this past weekend? Why? Maybe i did forget about her a little after i left. This is something that i will probably not stop thinking for a long while.
I'm sorry, Niní. I'm sorry i let petty little excuses in my head like distance, money, and paperwork get in the way of me going there to confort you when you were in pain, to tell you that you will get better and that i am here with you because i love you and you are one of the most important persons in my life. I promise you i never forgot about you. I will always remember you and i will always love you. You don't know how foreign being here feels right now and how being here feels even further away than what it usually feels. I will be there tomorrow to say goodbye. I already made sure that i at least do that.
My grandma, who lived with us, was the one who baked cookies and made sure we were out of trouble when we were kids. She was one of the most important persons in my life. She became very attached to me as she became older. I think it all started when, one Saturday morning at 7 am, i accompanied her on her 20 minutes walk to the bank so that she can pick up her monthly social security check.I remember the reason why i started going to the bank with her because once i realized how long of a walk it was, i got scared that something might happen to her. I think i was 14 years old when this happened.
As she started loosing her sight, she relied more and more on me. No only to go to the bank to pick up her check every month, but to do other things around the house....until i left. Moving to the U.S. to finish school was one of the hardest things to do for me because i knew how hard it will be for her without me being around. She understood and knew that it was a good opportunity for me, so she told me i had to go.
Every year i traveled back home for Christmas and Summer break so that she knew i never forgot about her. She was special because, unlike my parents or my brother and sister, she could not come to visit me since some of her health issues and her poor sight will not allow her to endure such a long trip. Every six months i arrived back to my parent's house and she will be there waiting for me no matter how late it was. The last couple of years her health really deteriorated and she stopped waiting for me if my flight arrived too late. I started noticing how much she was changing, how older she was getting, and how for her i turned into this memory that comes to make her happy for a few weeks, but then intensely sad when i had to say goodbye. About a year ago, she bought me a fancy Cross pen as an advanced gift for my graduation and asked me to sign anything i had to sign with it on the day of my graduation. That pen is one of my most treasured possessions.
She new her health was complicated. The last time i was there she gave me some money to buy something for Jamie's parents, since Jamie's mom sent some cookies she baked for Christmas. As usual, she gave me more money than what i needed. I told her i will buy her something for her, but with my stupid stress and all my stupid unnecessary distractions, i never did. I ended up spending her money in something else because i ran out of money and time to go to atm and get some money out to give her her money back. I told her i will bring it back and buy her something when i come back in August, but i won't. She passed away this morning and she will no longer be there waiting for my arrival and ask me what do i want to eat and how was my flight. She will no longer ask me to speak English and smile.
She was scared about being alone and she did not want to be forgotten. I am so sad because i will never know how she felt about me not being there before she passed away. Everyone got to see her at the hospital yesterday. My mom told me she was awake and responsive, as opposed to the week previous to that, but that it was because of some morphine they gave her for the pain. The last time i talked to her on the phone, was about 3 weeks ago right after she fell and hit her head, which started everything.
Why did i not go there to visit her this past weekend? Why? Maybe i did forget about her a little after i left. This is something that i will probably not stop thinking for a long while.
I'm sorry, Niní. I'm sorry i let petty little excuses in my head like distance, money, and paperwork get in the way of me going there to confort you when you were in pain, to tell you that you will get better and that i am here with you because i love you and you are one of the most important persons in my life. I promise you i never forgot about you. I will always remember you and i will always love you. You don't know how foreign being here feels right now and how being here feels even further away than what it usually feels. I will be there tomorrow to say goodbye. I already made sure that i at least do that.