Boy do I feel sheepish. Baaaaah!

[metal_star_seed]

So I have a general apology to make to friends of mine who commented on my last journal post: rroselavy, yokokaru_chan, seshats_prodigy, akinarei, and elfinragdoll. I’m really embarrassed about how I treated you and other friends during that week. I know that everyone goes through times like that, but it still is no excuse for how I behaved, namely not responding to anyone. It’s a shame when I act like

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[metal_star_seed]

Well I know that I haven't responded to your email and all. Mostly because I've been going through plenty of RL stuff and, as you perceived; I don't like to talk to people about my problems. But just know that I'm not going to stop caring about you as a friend, even if we don't talk on a regular basis. You're still very important to me and even if I get mad and say things in anger or despondency, much of the time, the words I say while in that mood are more or less only emotions speaking in the forefront and do not reflect on how I truly feel.

And do not worry about what you said to me, whether or not it was the harsh truth. The fact of the matter is, is that you are right in many of the things you said. I agree with you on them all and I know that taken to heart, those lessons will change a person. I know you wish for me to be pleased in my life and I also want the same. But remember, my dearest friend, I too, wish for your own happiness. You have been a very strong pillar and support for me and I never wish to lose that, no matter how nasty my crap inside becomes. You know my back-story and why I behave the way I do. I don’t like it anymore than others do, but at the same time, I’m not willing to let it go due to the changes it would bring about. What I am willing to do is try and cope with it better. Which is not what I did at that time.

But I’m hoping that I will be able to handle myself better next time, since I tend to learn by visuals and by seeing that post below this one, I can recall how it felt and thus wish to be different and avoid acting as I did. Just know that I’m still much better than I used to be and even though my emotions talk for me at some points, my true self wants friends, people to love, and everything else that you would think is normal for someone like me… to some extents. I still don’t think marriage is for me or anything… or dating. >.> You know how that is with me. XD

Yet, I thank you for everything you said to me and for never giving up on me. You’re a wonderful, amazing friend and I can’t thank enough for still being able to have that treasure. *smiles*

[elfinragdoll]

I understand how emotions can take control and dictate what you say to others sometimes. The fact that you weren't replying to my emails didn't really anger me, it just worried me, (and stung a little, but that's part of my own needy insecurities, which you understand by experience.) It still amazes me that you find me strong, and in truth, your acknowledgement helps to keep me that way.

I also understand your fear of completely letting go of your past, because our past makes us who we are, and to disregard it is to lose touch with ourselves. It exists behind us to help us better deal with what's ahead of us. We have to work to maintain the balace between not losing ourselves in either past or future, and learning to progress through both.

I would say there's nothing to forgive, but I don't entirely agree with that, and I hope you don't find me crass or difficult for it. It's not an apology I want for myself, though. I want it to be you forgiving yourself, and knowing that this is a good opportunity for you to gain higher ground on finding inner peace.

As for marriage and dating and all that, you also know my own views and beliefs on the subject, and what I will do towards my own happiness, and that I will disagree without forcing it on you. I want you to find fulfillment with another person, I do, but I don't think my methods would work for you, given how different we are in that department.

I thank you as well, and want you to always remember it will take a helluva lot more than this to drive me away, no matter how adamant you've been in the past about my eventual departure from you. Sorry, dude. You're stuck with me. *wicked grin*

P.S.--OMG, WHO IS THE EYECANDY IN YOUR ICON? BECAUSE MY BRAIN HAS NOW MELTED ALL OVER THE KEYBOARD. (and btw, I think you would enjoy reading the books of Christopher Rice, I always think of you when I'm reading him!)

[metal_star_seed]

Well to be honest, my life is really sporadic and stuff, and though I can rapid fire chat with people doing RPs and stuff easy, when it comes to writing something long, I can’t do that as often because I need a section of time that is quite, unstressed, unbroken, and has to occur while I’m in the mood to actually write something like that, else you get a half-hearted, dying-fish-flop of a letter, and I really don’t want to do that to you. At the same time, yes it is rude of me to do that, but the truth is that is the reason for the delay and unfortunately, I can’t really make my brain work otherwise, even though I try. *gets out brain and a bat* But never seems to get the effect I want… >.> I’m stumped as to why. So yeah. I still have the email all saved and stuff. I just need to get all nine planets to align perfectly so that I can write a response to it.

YES CAUSE PLUTO IS STILL A PLANET PEOPLE! IT WAS WHEN I WAS BORN AND NO WORLD WIDE ASTRONOMY GROUP OF BIGOTS IS GONNA TELL ME IT’S NOT! IT WILL STILL BE A PLANET WHEN I DIE! I’LL FREAKING PUT IT ON MY TOMBSTONE!

Okay. Sorry. That was in there since August 2006. Nitwits. Anyways.

Well you are a strong person. Part of that comes from actually dealing with me. Cause I am like this and you stay around me regardless of my distanced type of life. Tenacity is a very smiled upon character trait indeed. Means you’re very devoted and courageous.

As for striking balance between past, present, and future, welcome to the world and the ever-on-going battle. If I finish, I’ll let you know how I came out. Ah well who knows about that forgiving thing. I probably won’t forgive myself as much as I’ll just sweep it under the carpet and forget about it after I’ve learned my lesson from it. It’s how I work. What you chose to do with it, is entirely up to you. Forgive me; that’s wonderful. Don’t; I’m not gonna hate you for it. It’s your choice. Friends don’t have perfect track records but then again, friends can continue on over the rough spots.

I know it’ll take more than that to drive you away and personally, I hope I never do what it takes to make you leave. Like a burr to clothing; that’s fine by me.

P.S.-Their names are on my icon page. Have fun! (I don’t think I’ve heard of Christopher Rice. I’ll look into it sometime.)

[elfinragdoll]

Yeah, I get that way when replying to email sometimes. I got out of the habit of being able to write the long, eloquent letters that laid the foundation for our friendship. Because honestly, since that summer, my life has been, as Sand3 put it, 'disaster after disaster, one long train wreck', with yourself taking up the minimal amount of that wreckage, I can assure you.

That you took the time to explain to me how your thought processes work and why that's been cause for delay does make me feel that much better.

AND HELLZ YEAH PLUTO IS STILL A PLANET! WE NEED TO HOLD A PARTY FOR IT! (complete with planetary pinatas XD!)

Sadly, this will be a shorter response, as I'm borrowing a comp to do it, but believe me, it lifted my spirits in this trying time to see your name in my inbox.

But like a burr to clothing? Ha! For a Kentuckian like me, that sounds more like it!

[metal_star_seed]

Well I know that life is a bitch many times, but it’s up to us to decide how we are going to respond to it. Even if that response takes place over time and we change that response due to other circumstances, it’s still always ours and we are the one that control it every step of the way. I know you’ve not had the most cushioned life out of all, but I still admire you for what you have accomplished even with it. As for the disaster part, well, I at least have to know that I was some part of it. And in any case, even if I am part of it, I’m at least one part that can turn good again eventually.

But yeah. I still apologize for not getting back to the email. I know that speaks bad of me, but still, now you know why. And we shall indeed hold a party for Pluto! I’ll go get the sticks for them to hold and swing! Don’t worry about length of brevity of response. Just the fact that we both know that we’re still thinking of each other and connected in different ways is enough to make me happy. Knowing that we can more or less pick right back up where we left off is a great relief to me. So yeah. We aren’t going to lose one another any time soon, even if there’s some distance in time between comments or responses.