I should have known. I live a dream. I am a Lie
Going thru the motions of living, I dont see the chains that i'm weaving, out of my own dreams Im living a lie. Ive grown tired and so very bored with life. Old memories and regrets fill my vision. Hope is few and far between and full of rust and corrosion. My heart breaks a little more with every thunderous beat. Empty and yearning to be filled with Love, but finding my options dwindling into nothingness. Its a cruel ache, this pain. A dull numbing that makes me want to cry out..but I dont. I smile my smile. I tell my jokes and wink . I wear the mask Ive worn for so long, im lost in the role.
Its been years since ive had a relationship. A true one. I simply havent found a match yet. I keep telling myself that yes, there's someone out there looking for me as well. Someone? After so many years, I dont think that someone's coming. Oh but to be youthful once again and full of that manic energy again. Some time between my late teens and now I lost something Precious to who I am. I'm no longer as spry as I once was, nor ( if ever I was..) cute as before. No one gives me the look, nor the time of day anylonger. And what praise I recieve is from my glorious Fag Hags. God Bless them, if only they did it for me.
I want a guy to look at me with a smile instead of with disgust, to show me some interest..instead of pretending I wasnt there. I want to feel wanted again.
I dont want to feel alone anymore. Im tired of crying into my pillow, or at the horrid sight of what I see looking back at me thru the mirror. Dont let them be right about me.
Sure I approach guys, Talk. But its the endless roll of the eyes, the polite no thank yous, or the occasional "you must be kidding.." It seems the only men I can "attract" are over 40 and nasty. Am I truely so repulsive, fat, boring? I do not see myself as I am..and so am blind to my monstrosity ive become.
This ache weighs heavy on me, I grow weary and tired and have found some measure of solace in old habits, tho it terrify's me to do be doing it again. But with every Cut I can focus past the pain, a little deeper than the last. I'm scared for not knowing where im going, but calmed for having been there twice before.
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I know that I don't Own you
or even control you
I wish that I could tell you something new
Like that I still don't love you
Or even crave you
I won't waste your time with the precious little lie
you leave me with nothing left to do
But to want .. to want.. You
Do you know what I do when you walk out the room
Do you care?
if you like what you see and you mean what you mean
then be fair
Do you care? Do you?
Do you?
Heartbreak takes no prisoners home with you
Stay carefull not to weep
He has his eye on you
Love fools no ordinary man
to demand the best and worst of you
I hope so cruel he breaks your heart too