High Anxiety
I’ve been feeling crappy lately. Very tired and easily fatigued. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think I was pregnant. I had a bad period last week, maybe I lost too much iron. I’ve been really emotional too. I think a lot of it has to do with underlying and unrealized stress. It was sort of a rough weekend - too much time alone with my mind I guess.
Thursday after work I went to my circuit training class. It was really hard for me for some reason. I felt like I was going to pass out. Usually the class energizes me. But, I sucked it up and got through it. A gal actually came up to me after class and shook my hand and introduced herself. She heard me tell the instructor after class that it was hard for me to make it Thursday nights because of my schedule and my 2-year old. So the girl came up and introduced herself. Her name is Jessie, she’s been going to the gym for about 4 months, and she has an 18-month at home. Finally nice to be able to connect with someone. Most of the people in the class are older and very “clique-ish”. A few have introduced themselves to me, but most don’t give me the time of day. And I’m not very outgoing myself, and am there to get in shape, not socialize. But, it would still be nice to feel like I belonged. I had noticed Jessie during class. She looks like she’s in her late 20’s, blonde, VERY exotic and pretty face, unproportioned body with a small upper frame and an unfortunately large ass. I’m sure she’s trying to slim down after having a baby, but she’s gorgeous anyway. Maybe I’ll finally have a gym-buddy.
Friday night I went from work to Chrissy’s birthday dinner. It was at a very trendy restaurant in Walnut Creek. “Hi, can you overcharge and underfeed me? Thanks!” The food was WAY overpriced for what you got. Apparently none of her friends are on the budget that I’m on. I had a beer and a $13 bowl of mediocre pasta. But after dinner I splurged on a $10 glass of Dow 20 year Tawny Port. I do not like a lot of Chrissy’s friends. Maybe I’m being judgmental, but some are fake, and some are just pretentious princesses. It’s just hard to relate to someone that never had to work for what they have. But anyway, there was one girl there - Lisa, that was an absolute doll and had me cracking up the entire evening. She’s a keeper for sure! And it was great to see Jenn. After dinner we walked over to Mr. Lucky’s. Beckman was there and bought a round of drinks for everyone, I got a coke. The bar was noisy and I was tired so I went home. It was only 11:00. It was good to see Chrissy and be a part of her evening though. I had a nice time.
Saturday morning Aaron left for Stockton to go to Sean’s bachelor party. They were doing a poker tournament or something. Honestly, I’d rather just not know. Maegan woke up with a nasty cold. I needed to get my ass to the gym, so Kim watched her for a while for me. I just went and did a yoga class. I didn’t think I was going to make it through. I was so fatigued; I couldn’t hold all of the poses for the entire time. That is not like me. I usually feel very energized and powerful in yoga and can really push myself. I picked up Maegan and she was pretty upset because she wanted to stay and play with Emily. I swear, that kid always loves the one she’s NOT with. But she took a nice long nap and I got some housework done and watched Kill Bill Vol. 2. I loved the party where Uma plucked out Darryl’s eye. That was CRAZY!! Maegan & I had a nice dinner, and she crashed pretty early. I stayed up and watched The Punisher. Another great movie. Tom Jane is HOT!! Anyway, I went to bed and was really depressed and sad and started crying like an asshole. I realized that I have been depressed for several weeks.
Aaron has spent so much time doing what he wants to do and leaving me behind on weekends and at night, that the only way I could cope and not get depressed was to emotionally distance myself from him. I’ve created a world where I no longer need him. I am perfectly capable of existing without him physically and emotionally (although not financially). But I do really love him and love to be with him. I just don’t NEED him. Which sucks. I really want to need him. I don’t give my love fully and freely to him because of it. So, when he came back from EmpowerU and professed his undying love and devotion to me, and told me that he had not been committed to our marriage and to our child, and that he will change that, I let down my guard. So, yes, he’s been doing dishes and being more patient and telling me he loves me. But no, he is not spending more time with me. I he loves me and is committed to me, he needs to live it, not just say it. He really needs to make some time to spend with Maegan and I this summer, and not make plans every single weekend without us. I mean, if you love me, wouldn’t you want to hang out with me? So, I let my guard down, and not only did it bring back the memories and feelings of hurt from the past, it is letting them in again. I was really lonely this weekend without him. FUCK!! I do not want to start feeling that way again!
Also, I have started looking at my life and questioning everything. Why do I have one child, and want another, if I don’t have enough time to spend with them? What is the point? I have 2 ½ hours with Maegan every weeknight, and if I go to the gym, that cuts out an hour. And the time that I do have with her is spent cooking and cleaning and bathing, and all sorts of other chores. Where is the quality playtime? Sure, I get it on the weekends, but by then I have so much housework to do and am so damn tired, the quality is just not up to par. It makes me feel really shitty. And maybe it would be easier if I were more satisfied with my work. But I’m not. I’m bored stiff. So what is the point? Well, I’ll take Aaron’s wish to heart and go to EmpowerU and do some soul-searching. But what is he going to do if I come back wanting to quit my job and stay home with my kid??? We can’t afford that. What if my “action steps’ and goals don’t mesh with his? Is he going to be supportive of me?
When Aaron came home last night I felt a mixture of happiness and resentment. I felt really low all evening and today. I really need to spill my guts to him, but it’s so hard to do. Here is a man that has seen and accepted me at my best and worst, and I can tell him how I feel. I fear his reaction - which is usually very defensive, sometimes angry, or he discounts my feelings and makes me feel stupid. But other times it works out fine. I just don’t want to deal with it. And I don’t want to argue. And I don’t want to make him feel bad. Or me feel worse. I’m chicken-shit. But things are supposed to have changed, right? So I called him today and told him that I’d been stressed out and needed to talk to him after Maegan goes to bed tonight. And that he needed to hole me to it and not chicken out.
I’m sick to my stomach with anxiousness…
I’ll go to the gym and do Boot Camp first so maybe I’ll calm down and relax.
Current Weight - 140 lbs. STUCK at 140. But I’m leaner and firmer, so I guess it’s ok. I still want to get down to 125 - 130. I’m need to work on correcting my eating habits better…
Thursday after work I went to my circuit training class. It was really hard for me for some reason. I felt like I was going to pass out. Usually the class energizes me. But, I sucked it up and got through it. A gal actually came up to me after class and shook my hand and introduced herself. She heard me tell the instructor after class that it was hard for me to make it Thursday nights because of my schedule and my 2-year old. So the girl came up and introduced herself. Her name is Jessie, she’s been going to the gym for about 4 months, and she has an 18-month at home. Finally nice to be able to connect with someone. Most of the people in the class are older and very “clique-ish”. A few have introduced themselves to me, but most don’t give me the time of day. And I’m not very outgoing myself, and am there to get in shape, not socialize. But, it would still be nice to feel like I belonged. I had noticed Jessie during class. She looks like she’s in her late 20’s, blonde, VERY exotic and pretty face, unproportioned body with a small upper frame and an unfortunately large ass. I’m sure she’s trying to slim down after having a baby, but she’s gorgeous anyway. Maybe I’ll finally have a gym-buddy.
Friday night I went from work to Chrissy’s birthday dinner. It was at a very trendy restaurant in Walnut Creek. “Hi, can you overcharge and underfeed me? Thanks!” The food was WAY overpriced for what you got. Apparently none of her friends are on the budget that I’m on. I had a beer and a $13 bowl of mediocre pasta. But after dinner I splurged on a $10 glass of Dow 20 year Tawny Port. I do not like a lot of Chrissy’s friends. Maybe I’m being judgmental, but some are fake, and some are just pretentious princesses. It’s just hard to relate to someone that never had to work for what they have. But anyway, there was one girl there - Lisa, that was an absolute doll and had me cracking up the entire evening. She’s a keeper for sure! And it was great to see Jenn. After dinner we walked over to Mr. Lucky’s. Beckman was there and bought a round of drinks for everyone, I got a coke. The bar was noisy and I was tired so I went home. It was only 11:00. It was good to see Chrissy and be a part of her evening though. I had a nice time.
Saturday morning Aaron left for Stockton to go to Sean’s bachelor party. They were doing a poker tournament or something. Honestly, I’d rather just not know. Maegan woke up with a nasty cold. I needed to get my ass to the gym, so Kim watched her for a while for me. I just went and did a yoga class. I didn’t think I was going to make it through. I was so fatigued; I couldn’t hold all of the poses for the entire time. That is not like me. I usually feel very energized and powerful in yoga and can really push myself. I picked up Maegan and she was pretty upset because she wanted to stay and play with Emily. I swear, that kid always loves the one she’s NOT with. But she took a nice long nap and I got some housework done and watched Kill Bill Vol. 2. I loved the party where Uma plucked out Darryl’s eye. That was CRAZY!! Maegan & I had a nice dinner, and she crashed pretty early. I stayed up and watched The Punisher. Another great movie. Tom Jane is HOT!! Anyway, I went to bed and was really depressed and sad and started crying like an asshole. I realized that I have been depressed for several weeks.
Aaron has spent so much time doing what he wants to do and leaving me behind on weekends and at night, that the only way I could cope and not get depressed was to emotionally distance myself from him. I’ve created a world where I no longer need him. I am perfectly capable of existing without him physically and emotionally (although not financially). But I do really love him and love to be with him. I just don’t NEED him. Which sucks. I really want to need him. I don’t give my love fully and freely to him because of it. So, when he came back from EmpowerU and professed his undying love and devotion to me, and told me that he had not been committed to our marriage and to our child, and that he will change that, I let down my guard. So, yes, he’s been doing dishes and being more patient and telling me he loves me. But no, he is not spending more time with me. I he loves me and is committed to me, he needs to live it, not just say it. He really needs to make some time to spend with Maegan and I this summer, and not make plans every single weekend without us. I mean, if you love me, wouldn’t you want to hang out with me? So, I let my guard down, and not only did it bring back the memories and feelings of hurt from the past, it is letting them in again. I was really lonely this weekend without him. FUCK!! I do not want to start feeling that way again!
Also, I have started looking at my life and questioning everything. Why do I have one child, and want another, if I don’t have enough time to spend with them? What is the point? I have 2 ½ hours with Maegan every weeknight, and if I go to the gym, that cuts out an hour. And the time that I do have with her is spent cooking and cleaning and bathing, and all sorts of other chores. Where is the quality playtime? Sure, I get it on the weekends, but by then I have so much housework to do and am so damn tired, the quality is just not up to par. It makes me feel really shitty. And maybe it would be easier if I were more satisfied with my work. But I’m not. I’m bored stiff. So what is the point? Well, I’ll take Aaron’s wish to heart and go to EmpowerU and do some soul-searching. But what is he going to do if I come back wanting to quit my job and stay home with my kid??? We can’t afford that. What if my “action steps’ and goals don’t mesh with his? Is he going to be supportive of me?
When Aaron came home last night I felt a mixture of happiness and resentment. I felt really low all evening and today. I really need to spill my guts to him, but it’s so hard to do. Here is a man that has seen and accepted me at my best and worst, and I can tell him how I feel. I fear his reaction - which is usually very defensive, sometimes angry, or he discounts my feelings and makes me feel stupid. But other times it works out fine. I just don’t want to deal with it. And I don’t want to argue. And I don’t want to make him feel bad. Or me feel worse. I’m chicken-shit. But things are supposed to have changed, right? So I called him today and told him that I’d been stressed out and needed to talk to him after Maegan goes to bed tonight. And that he needed to hole me to it and not chicken out.
I’m sick to my stomach with anxiousness…
I’ll go to the gym and do Boot Camp first so maybe I’ll calm down and relax.
Current Weight - 140 lbs. STUCK at 140. But I’m leaner and firmer, so I guess it’s ok. I still want to get down to 125 - 130. I’m need to work on correcting my eating habits better…