take off my halo
i did something bad. something really, really, really really bad......
and the worst part is.
i dont regret it.
i really really really really liked it.
.....
i did the one thing that ruined me in the past. the one thing i told myself i would never do. and i did it.
after a couple hours of a great time at sams house. i came home and cried. i didnt sleep at all. i couldnt. as much as i tried. my eyes would not stop sheding tears. they wouldnt let me push my pain away anymore.
i think its all falling apart. my entire life i 've had this cloud above me. a dark black cloud where i've hidden my pain, my self doubt, my hatred, and my sadness. and it all is coming out. last night i spent the majority of my 3 hour phone conversation crying and yelling. and now. i cant even think. at swim practice i did better than i have ever done before. i took all my anger out on that water. and the couple thousand yards i had to swim. but. i dont feel any better. i feel still as crappy as i did last night. i still wish it could go away.
everytime i've been hurt in some way. i pushed it away. and pretended it never happened. and it made that cloud grow. but i knew. eventually that cloud would have gotten to big. and it has to let go. and its happening. i dont know how long i'll be like this. maybe forever. all i know is that. it hurts. and i cant stop crying and wishing that i was dead so it would go away....
i hate this. i hate how i can let myself do this. i cant be like this anymore. ITS GOING TO KILL ME! i cant think this way about myself....but no matter how many times i say this. it never happpens im still as sad as i was. and i feel worse that i wont fix it. i need to get rid of this. i want to be happy. i dont like being like this. i dont like being sad. i dont like me......
im sorry.
i just feel like crap. and i need to learn how to let it out.
...
and the worst part is.
i dont regret it.
i really really really really liked it.
.....
i did the one thing that ruined me in the past. the one thing i told myself i would never do. and i did it.
after a couple hours of a great time at sams house. i came home and cried. i didnt sleep at all. i couldnt. as much as i tried. my eyes would not stop sheding tears. they wouldnt let me push my pain away anymore.
i think its all falling apart. my entire life i 've had this cloud above me. a dark black cloud where i've hidden my pain, my self doubt, my hatred, and my sadness. and it all is coming out. last night i spent the majority of my 3 hour phone conversation crying and yelling. and now. i cant even think. at swim practice i did better than i have ever done before. i took all my anger out on that water. and the couple thousand yards i had to swim. but. i dont feel any better. i feel still as crappy as i did last night. i still wish it could go away.
everytime i've been hurt in some way. i pushed it away. and pretended it never happened. and it made that cloud grow. but i knew. eventually that cloud would have gotten to big. and it has to let go. and its happening. i dont know how long i'll be like this. maybe forever. all i know is that. it hurts. and i cant stop crying and wishing that i was dead so it would go away....
i hate this. i hate how i can let myself do this. i cant be like this anymore. ITS GOING TO KILL ME! i cant think this way about myself....but no matter how many times i say this. it never happpens im still as sad as i was. and i feel worse that i wont fix it. i need to get rid of this. i want to be happy. i dont like being like this. i dont like being sad. i dont like me......
im sorry.
i just feel like crap. and i need to learn how to let it out.
...