I have nothing to hide
I hate this time of year. It's cold but the sky won't fall for me. What's the point of anything other than sun and hot if there's no snow? Right now I miss my real friends. You know, the ones that I've hugged in the really real world. The ones that have kissed my forehead, held my hand, looked me in the eye. It kinda makes me feel like this whole life thing is overrated. I mean what's the point? I'm here. I work crazy hours, I go to school, I do homework, I barely ever sleep and I still have no time to go see the people that I love and miss. Partially because some of them are in other states, but that's kinda beside the point right now. Anyone that lives an hour or more away from me, I haven't seen in almost a year. Excepting my warmates. I saw them six months ago.
It was close to this time a year ago that Jack and I got close. I miss him now. I miss walking along debating artsy stuff or smart things surrounded by clouds of frosty breath and cigarette smoke. I miss frinking Cheap Red WIne directly from the bottle or coffee mugs. Not that Jack was the only person I ever did this with, just the most recent. And I owe him (well, you 'cuz maybe you're reading this) a thank you. Inspiration always finds a way to make it's way home.
It was one year ago this month that Adam (the gay one) and I went for our crazy long and pointless drive that turned out not to be pointless at all. We shared music and memories. We shared stories and feelings. We were infinite that night. We drove through Westland and Wayne and all over the west end. just us two. Talking and laughing and listening all the way through the night. something about both of us changed that night. I remember it was raining and I was jung up on Jusitn again.
Justin...a constant recurring friend? Aquaintance? Who is this guy to me? I don't know. Once many years ago (ok about three) he was someone that took up all of my time. Someone that I loved. Someone that hurt me. I don't know exactally WHY or HOW. I don't really care. I remember the good AND the bad.
Speaking of bad...Brad has been on my mind lateley. You know, the one that used to hurt me. The more I think about him the more i want to hurt him. Or watch him be hurt.
~shrug~ Maybe it's the time of year. I talked to Joe today. And Mike in Chicago. And sent a message to Joe it cali. And Michelle.
Mike told me that I got voted in. I am now a member of Die Fleidermaus. He also invited me to be trapped in a car with him for 20 hours round trip over the weekend before Christmas. I've tentatively accepted on grounds I can get those days off. Not that I really work weekends anyway. But I'll need to get Thursday and Friday probably. I hope I get to make it. I miss everyone. I was thinking about not going to war this year as I couldn't bear the thought of losing my house over it...I'll just have to pick up some holiday pay and make it work. I may not be able to go for as long as I like, but...I'll try to find a way to make it work.
Those are my thoughts.