Downsides, upsides
I wonder if ppl with asymmetric faces have a harder time generally forming an accurate picture of their body. I mean, everytime you look in the mirror you see yrself in reverse. With myself, i often get the feeling that i don't look like me in photos. Sometimes i wonder if i look more masculine in the mirror even? I don't know how this works, or how this might translate to more general body image issues... it's just a stray thought.
Next Wednesday is my enrolment day at BRIT (Bendigo Regional Institute of TAFE). I have been accepted to do Cert IV in Fitness, but am still deciding whether or not to do it. The thing is, my enthusiasm for physical exercise is at an all time ebb. I feel very, very, unfit, but everytime i want to get out of the house and do something about it, my chest gets in the way. I bind up and it's so restrictive. It feels so bad, damaging even, to train in. I won't do it anymore. But i'm not training where ppl can see my chest. Not even ppl who know me... well, one or two exceptions, but... no, not right now, i can't do it. Maybe one. I don't know.
I hate feeling like this. Avoiding being seen cause i feel so wrong. Feeling a bit isolated and alone up here now. This town is chock full of hippies and old school dykes, but it doesn't seem to make any difference to the number of misunderstandings, casual glances, or patronising remarks i get that hurt so much.
Buuut... one of my stupid habits is charging headlong into situations that scare the shit out of me and seeing if that fear is justified or not. And time spent studying is never wasted, so... I want to do this, i just need to find the fire in me to get me through it. I am hopeful. I know that i am not alone, even if i feel it sometimes. Help will come if can ask for it.
Oh, and i heard back from AV. No shooting FITA's until i get my sex legally changed. Like that's a peice of cake. *sigh* So here i am, collecting entries for events i am effectively barred from. I'm really feeling the injustice of that atm.
I haven't called Mr. (it is Mr, isn't it? Isn't that what you call surgeons? It's just that everyone else calls him Dr.) Bartholemeuz yet. Phone phobia strikes again! D: I shall try again tomorrow.
ps. And Ba gua training? Term 1 starts in a week. I just don't know if i can either afford it or cope with it right now. I need to write to Master Shao again i think.
Next Wednesday is my enrolment day at BRIT (Bendigo Regional Institute of TAFE). I have been accepted to do Cert IV in Fitness, but am still deciding whether or not to do it. The thing is, my enthusiasm for physical exercise is at an all time ebb. I feel very, very, unfit, but everytime i want to get out of the house and do something about it, my chest gets in the way. I bind up and it's so restrictive. It feels so bad, damaging even, to train in. I won't do it anymore. But i'm not training where ppl can see my chest. Not even ppl who know me... well, one or two exceptions, but... no, not right now, i can't do it. Maybe one. I don't know.
I hate feeling like this. Avoiding being seen cause i feel so wrong. Feeling a bit isolated and alone up here now. This town is chock full of hippies and old school dykes, but it doesn't seem to make any difference to the number of misunderstandings, casual glances, or patronising remarks i get that hurt so much.
Buuut... one of my stupid habits is charging headlong into situations that scare the shit out of me and seeing if that fear is justified or not. And time spent studying is never wasted, so... I want to do this, i just need to find the fire in me to get me through it. I am hopeful. I know that i am not alone, even if i feel it sometimes. Help will come if can ask for it.
Oh, and i heard back from AV. No shooting FITA's until i get my sex legally changed. Like that's a peice of cake. *sigh* So here i am, collecting entries for events i am effectively barred from. I'm really feeling the injustice of that atm.
I haven't called Mr. (it is Mr, isn't it? Isn't that what you call surgeons? It's just that everyone else calls him Dr.) Bartholemeuz yet. Phone phobia strikes again! D: I shall try again tomorrow.
ps. And Ba gua training? Term 1 starts in a week. I just don't know if i can either afford it or cope with it right now. I need to write to Master Shao again i think.