Back from the Dead
I know... I practically fell off of the planet. I'm back now, though, and I hope everyone is well. I realize I'm like two months and change behind on everyone's lives, but I'll try to catch-up later. Reading all of those posts is a bit too ambitious for someone still recuperating from a vicious semester. Basically, meat-space was kicking my ass and I never seemed to have the time (or energy) to write any major updates on what was happening, let alone read up on everyone's lives. I swear it doesn't mean I care any less! I love you all, really! I'll try to catch up soon.
I managed to survive my semester of doom though, which is good. I'm so relieved to be done! Not only did I survive, but I managed to keep my 4.0 GPA, which was a shock (but a happy shock, of course!). Aside from that, a whole host of other, new, life-changing events has transpired, but I'll refrain from getting into any of that just yet.
For the holidays we were going to drive up to Washington to bring Maddisyn to see her paternal family, then head down to California to spend x-mas with Josh's mother and have some time in Tahoe for our anniversary. Unfortunately, it looks like we won't be able to make it to Washington, due to the excessive snow. So, Maddisyn will just come with us to California. We're going to drop her off with Josh's mother while Josh and I have our time in Tahoe, then meet back up with them for x-mas.
In other news, Josh finally finished his reign on plot, and I am SO ridiculously proud of him. The game is taking some major changes and heading in new directions that part of me is scared to death of, but part of me is also excited for. I didn't have the chance to see the behind-the-scenes stuff during Josh's first reign as HoP, but having the chance to see everything from the other side this time around, I must say I'm impressed with how he handled a ridiculously terrible situation that he was handed. In addition, despite the objections many members of the playership had in response to an Owner stepping in to take over plot, many have since asked if the Owners would consider getting rid of voting on HoP and having it be an appointed position again, which I think says big things. Overall, I'm proud of my husband (and his team) and what he accomplished (from across the country, no less).
It's not secret that I have a love-hate relationship with Legacies, and my biggest issues in the most recent past was a group of people who made the game miserable for me (in and out of game), but they are no longer attending, so that helps. However, I think I was also a little critical of some things with the playership, and although I had my reasons, I think I was unfairly harsh. I had spent so much time feeling negative that I had allowed certain things to cloud my perspective. I think in part it had to do with my ties to people in positions of authority and everything I get subjected to because of that, as well as never recovering from the IG bullshit I went through with my previous character. However, taking a huge chunk of time off and then helping on plot really changed my perspective, most especially the fact that people who I feel I probably overlooked managed to amaze me in ways I never could have expected.
I don't know how to explain it, but my last event (the November event), something amazing and cathartic happened to me, with respect to the game. Josh had asked me to play an important RP character (I never do combat, so of course it was RP-oriented) who was a Fae noble giving up her immortality for a specific storyline (for those who probed her for her reasons why she was doing it, it turned into some pretty amazing RP and insight into aspects of the Fae that most have not really been exposed to IG). A handful of town members were supposed to make pretty huge sacrifices during our little RP ritual as well, and I was really surprised at who each of the people who stepped up were. Many of them were sort of the lesser-known people (not the typical glory-hounds I expected to step up) and one was even brand new.
In the end, a whole bunch of stuff happened during all of this weekend that really surprised the hell out of me and made me realize several things I never had realized about our weird, clusterfuck of a fantasy town. First, I realized that there was far more unity in the town than I had ever realized or given them credit for (though of course there is still some division and cliques and whatnot). In addition, I was surprised by the amount of self-sacrifice I saw. For so long I had assumed most people were more interested in preserving their characters rather than playing true to their concept, but I was truly surprised by some people who very literally put their characters on the line (some of which were lost in the process), and not for items or gold, but for the greater good of the whole. Seriously, for the first time in a long time at event I felt my eyes well with tears over the things I saw. Witnessing characters demonstrate that their strength was far greater than I ever gave them credit for was nothing short of epic to me. I think I was truly wrong about many of the townsfolk, and I am truly sorry for not seeing how deep their waters truly ran.
Some highlights of the event for me was having a PC I barely know (she started during my time away and I haven't had a chance to interact with her much since I came back) thank me for the interactions she had with my character and how much they moved her. Also, coming out of the dragon module (which was pretty epic) and finding like a dozen and a half characters outside sobbing and consoling each other. Some were upset over the people lost during the battle, others were just emotional over the trauma of what they witnessed. I started to get so emotional just watching them. I ended up leaning against the building sobbing, and the only way I can describe it is that I literally hurt for them, for each and every one of them. The anguish in some of their faces was just staggering. I hadn't seen anything like that since Az-kim died and our little family mourned the loss.
Later, during the reincarnation of the Lady of the land, I witnessed what I am sure I will regard as one of the most emotional scenes I have ever had the privilege to watch. The lady love of the man reincarnating the Sheriff/Baroness begged him not to do it, because she was afraid of losing him. I was on the verge of tears through the whole (very long) scene. Despite my best efforts, my emotions overwhelmed me when the woman, fearful of her man sundering during the ritual told him, "Please don't do it... I need you... I need you more than she does... Please... Please don't leave me." It wasn't what she said as much as how she said it; the tone of her voice, the quivering of her lips and how ashen she looked, how pleading she was with huge tears rapidly flowing down her cheeks. It was also his glance toward her as if he was about to speak to calm her down, immediately followed by quickly averting his gaze because he could not look her in the eye knowing the anguish she felt. He couldn't even look at her! And when he did, his own eyes welled with tears. It was everything about the moment, the heaviness of it all. I felt so deeply empathetic for them. I literally felt a lump in my throat and tears slide down my face while I kept thinking, "Stop it! Your character doesn't know the implications of what he's doing!" It was so moving and tragic. I hadn't been moved like that at event in so long. Further, I don't think I have ever been so moved by someone else's emotional scene (that I was not at all involved in). It was so amazing!
Everything about that weekend changed my perspective of the game. I met new players who really impressed me with their RP (and the fact that they weren't there to kill crunchies), and so many older characters who I think I failed to give credit to in the past (or at least as much as they deserved) really showed me that they were capable of meaningful RP (the tearful cries of a man as he tried to find his brother, afraid he had fallen with the others during the battle; I seriously amount choked on my tears when I heard his desperate pleadings while he searched for his brother). That's not to say that there weren't the people who detracted or made moments frustrating, but rather than focus on the negative aspects I found myself being awed by the positive ones.
So, in response to the November event, when the December event rolled around and real life prevented my attending, for the first time in AGES, I really truly felt bad about not attending; I missed it. I wanted to so desperately see the people who were going to be recognized for their courage and strength over the past several months be awarded at the feast. I wanted to see the town get their tokens of appreciation. I wanted to see everyone say goodbye to this strange place we called home for so long, while they prepared for a new adventure in a distant land. I wanted to be there for all of that RP, watching it like some sick voyeur. I feel bad that I missed the raw emotion when Melton was surprised by his character's award (his was the only award Josh kept from him; Melton had NO idea). I regret not seeing the girl who sacrificed her identify for the sake of the town cry with emotion when the King thanked her and recognized her in a way she never expected or requested. I wanted to just be there and see it, and perhaps in my own way say goodbye in a way that my character would never be able to, since the next time she comes back to game (in January) we will be in a new land. I also wanted to see the OOG awards (especially the Player of the Year award, which I have been SO excited about for MONTHS).
Most amazing, for the first time in a very long time, I am truly looking forward to playing my character, to meeting new characters and being reunited with old friends. I am looking forward to game for the first time in ages. Of course, my newfound rekindling of interest in the game doesn't come without a bit of regret. Part of me feels that my own negativity soured things for me for so long, causing me to overlook the many good qualities and only focus on the things that upset me. This game is so different from what I remember, but perhaps that's a good thing. Without growth and change it will stagnate. I miss some people who no longer attend, but I will admit, most of the people who no longer attend I can do without and I think the game is better without them. I don't know, perhaps I never allowed myself to heal completely from the heartbreak I endured toward the tail end of my playing Olivia and the MFT of IG crap people brought OOG to constantly treat me like total and complete garbage IG and OOG. Regardless, I feel better now,and I'm ready to move on. I'm excited, and much of the playership is excited too. I'm genuinely happy to be back at game again, which speaks volumes to me.
It's the end of an era, and the start of something new, and once again I find myself on the brink of something so very exciting with this game. I think the biggest thing I missed from the game was that feeling of emotional investment, not in my character, but rather in other people's characters. I cared about the characters, I wanted to know what was happening and see it happening. I wanted to know their stories and be a part of them if possible. When things turned sour, I stopped caring and stopped following the other character's stories, which made me feel disinterested. After all, I think that's what I come to the game for, an intriguing story and the chance to watch it unfold and possibly even be a part of it. (Ha! Perhaps I should be a bard). But now, I am interested once again and like a devoted reader who just finished an exciting chapter in an engaging book, I'm eager to begin the next. So here's to the opportunity of being a part of yet another good story.
Anyway, enough rambling. I hope you are all doing well.
Much love!
.md.