(no subject)
I hate not knowing. I really fucking do. I hate not being able to say what I want to say because they won't react well. I hate having to just put up with shit when I shouldn't have to. I hate having to keep my mouth shut about all this and that only like 1 or 2 people really know what's going on. I hate not being able to tell people. I hate not having someone there for me. I hate having to be there for someone else when they're not there for me. I hate things being unfair. I hate having to suffer like this. I hate crying over it. I hate fighting. I hate that I still cry even though we haven't been fighting. I hate that I can't be different. I hate that I can't have what I want. I hate not being able to tell anyone what I really want. I hate getting all emo and stopping talking. I hate having to go to bed and being lonely. I hate knowing that things aren't going to go my way. I hate still hoping. I hate getting all "aww" over someone that I'll never have. I hate not being able to control my feelings. I hate planning how to begin that conversation, when I know I'll never start it. I'll never say any of the things I want to say, because I know I can't. I don't want to mess things up like that.
I hate not knowing who understands that. I hate not knowing if people, who should understand this, don't. I hate not knowing who understand every word, and who will be vaguely confused because who could I be talking so angstily about? Because it couldn't be Matt, I'm not that attached to him. And it couldn't be anyone at church, because I don't know them well enough. And I hate not knowing who can't figure it out. Because not everyone will get this. Some will, but most won't. And I hate not knowing who fits where. I just hate not knowing.
But it's going to stay like that. Y'know why? Because I lost one best friend like this and I don't want to lose another.