My final paper for College Writing 2. Write a short story, poem, or play inspired by an author we read during the class AND write a short essay on the writing process
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It's a mildly interesting story. Don't mind if I'm honest...
it's got good description and imagery. However, it seems like you're trying TOO hard to put forth imagery that it takes away from the effect. However, the opening paragraph was clear and clean.
I would recommend breaking up the story with some paragraph and/or line breaks to show passage of time better. As this all seems to take place in a matter of minutes, as opposed to the inteded hours (I think).
Also, I think you use the proper noun "Jerry" too much, where as at least a third of those places could have easily used "he" and been more effective. Otherwise I'm thinking in my head "Jerry [this], Jerry [that], etc..."
From a story perspecitive, I don't like you you introduced thoughts about his sister and I don't feel like you resolved them. It has a decent explanation, but it isn't quite as deep unless you established some kind of past reference to Jerry and Alex's relationship before she changed, as opposed to what she wore and how she acted like. So that it could provide a contrast. To me right now, they seemed distant all the time, but we just don't know what happens in the past.
"...walked to the cabin." This gave me an impression that they were already there, as opposed to "walking towards" the cabin. But they weren't there yet because they would have seen the beer containers on the grass.
Other than that, I loved the ending, and how you dealt with the mood and interaction towards the end. Awesome. Perhaps we'll see you write some more?
It doesn't look quite so cramped in the MS Word version, I just threw it onto the lj client.
As far as Alex and Jerry go, their conflict wasn't really the point of the story, so I felt no need to go further into it. There's not really a sense of closure, and that's what I wanted, for it to feel like the ending was frayed and abrupt.
The ending also originally had no dialogue, at all. I actually liked this more, as it contributed to the otherworldly, bizarre feeling of finding this cabin (which, if you didn't realize, has some sentimental value to the parents) in complete ruins, but it ultimately detracted from the story; the reader needed to see the family's reaction up close.
How repelled the parents were from each other towards the end is up for interpretation. I'm not entirely sure myself why I emphasized it.
At any rate, this is due in 20 minutes, so it's a bit late to be making corrections. Thanks for your comments, I'm quite happy with the way it turned out and so is my professor ^_^
it's got good description and imagery. However, it seems like you're trying TOO hard to put forth imagery that it takes away from the effect. However, the opening paragraph was clear and clean.
I would recommend breaking up the story with some paragraph and/or line breaks to show passage of time better. As this all seems to take place in a matter of minutes, as opposed to the inteded hours (I think).
Also, I think you use the proper noun "Jerry" too much, where as at least a third of those places could have easily used "he" and been more effective. Otherwise I'm thinking in my head "Jerry [this], Jerry [that], etc..."
From a story perspecitive, I don't like you you introduced thoughts about his sister and I don't feel like you resolved them. It has a decent explanation, but it isn't quite as deep unless you established some kind of past reference to Jerry and Alex's relationship before she changed, as opposed to what she wore and how she acted like. So that it could provide a contrast. To me right now, they seemed distant all the time, but we just don't know what happens in the past.
"...walked to the cabin."
This gave me an impression that they were already there, as opposed to "walking towards" the cabin. But they weren't there yet because they would have seen the beer containers on the grass.
Other than that, I loved the ending, and how you dealt with the mood and interaction towards the end. Awesome. Perhaps we'll see you write some more?
Reply
As far as Alex and Jerry go, their conflict wasn't really the point of the story, so I felt no need to go further into it. There's not really a sense of closure, and that's what I wanted, for it to feel like the ending was frayed and abrupt.
The ending also originally had no dialogue, at all. I actually liked this more, as it contributed to the otherworldly, bizarre feeling of finding this cabin (which, if you didn't realize, has some sentimental value to the parents) in complete ruins, but it ultimately detracted from the story; the reader needed to see the family's reaction up close.
How repelled the parents were from each other towards the end is up for interpretation. I'm not entirely sure myself why I emphasized it.
At any rate, this is due in 20 minutes, so it's a bit late to be making corrections. Thanks for your comments, I'm quite happy with the way it turned out and so is my professor ^_^
Reply
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