It's what's on the inside that isn't seen
"You're not who I thought you were."
Sitting on a driftwood log beside the Pacific Ocean, staring at the sand at our feet, hearing those words spoken to me from a man I'd spent a year of my life beside, felt like a punch in the stomach.
"I thought you were amazing, but it turns out that you're not," is how my brain interpreted that phrase.
I was hurt. Confused. How did he see me then? What did he see in me that attracted him to me so strongly? What does he see now that's so different? How can I be viewed one way but actually be a different person?
Five months later I asked him, "Who did you think I was?" "I dunno, it just seemed like your life was so awesome." I was too blown away to ask him to elaborate.
My life WAS awesome. I look back at that time, the year after Maclean and I broke up, and while it was emotionally challenging, it also blew me wide open. I accepted and honoured the emotions coursing through me. I asked for help, I asked for what I needed. I went to counseling. I delved deep into my character and beliefs and actions. I did work, a lot of work. I learned to trust myself. I learned to make decisions instead of letting things happen to me. I made conscious choices to get specific results. I opened up a dialogue with The Universe. I was confident in my skin, I was content with where my life was at. I was probably pretty magnetic.
So what's changed? Outwardly, a lot. But what about underneath all of that, in my heart, in my mind, in my energetic outpourings, how has that changed?
Relationships can be hard for me. Learning to communicate my needs, how to not take things personally, how to juggle my own time and desires with those of my partner. Compromise and balance are tricky. Plus my old habits and triggers come back to haunt me again and again.
I think he thought I would be more fun.
And this is crushing, because one of my biggest fears is being boring.
I AM fun, and I've done a TON of fun things in the past 18 months, with and without Marcus. But he and I don't always agree on what's fun. I can also take some convincing to get involved with the fun. I'm low key, low energy, and reserved by nature. I'm generally content to curl up in a sunny corner and read a book. It will rarely be my idea to do something physical or complicated, however I end up enjoying plenty of activities if somebody takes me by the hand and gets me involved.
Communication.
I would love talk to Marcus about this. About so many things. About EVERYTHING.
I suppose the only way to get there is to start trying.
Sitting on a driftwood log beside the Pacific Ocean, staring at the sand at our feet, hearing those words spoken to me from a man I'd spent a year of my life beside, felt like a punch in the stomach.
"I thought you were amazing, but it turns out that you're not," is how my brain interpreted that phrase.
I was hurt. Confused. How did he see me then? What did he see in me that attracted him to me so strongly? What does he see now that's so different? How can I be viewed one way but actually be a different person?
Five months later I asked him, "Who did you think I was?" "I dunno, it just seemed like your life was so awesome." I was too blown away to ask him to elaborate.
My life WAS awesome. I look back at that time, the year after Maclean and I broke up, and while it was emotionally challenging, it also blew me wide open. I accepted and honoured the emotions coursing through me. I asked for help, I asked for what I needed. I went to counseling. I delved deep into my character and beliefs and actions. I did work, a lot of work. I learned to trust myself. I learned to make decisions instead of letting things happen to me. I made conscious choices to get specific results. I opened up a dialogue with The Universe. I was confident in my skin, I was content with where my life was at. I was probably pretty magnetic.
So what's changed? Outwardly, a lot. But what about underneath all of that, in my heart, in my mind, in my energetic outpourings, how has that changed?
Relationships can be hard for me. Learning to communicate my needs, how to not take things personally, how to juggle my own time and desires with those of my partner. Compromise and balance are tricky. Plus my old habits and triggers come back to haunt me again and again.
I think he thought I would be more fun.
And this is crushing, because one of my biggest fears is being boring.
I AM fun, and I've done a TON of fun things in the past 18 months, with and without Marcus. But he and I don't always agree on what's fun. I can also take some convincing to get involved with the fun. I'm low key, low energy, and reserved by nature. I'm generally content to curl up in a sunny corner and read a book. It will rarely be my idea to do something physical or complicated, however I end up enjoying plenty of activities if somebody takes me by the hand and gets me involved.
Communication.
I would love talk to Marcus about this. About so many things. About EVERYTHING.
I suppose the only way to get there is to start trying.