Head shrunk
Aaaaaah 2014. I've felt some of the weight has lifted already. December was crazy and stressful, mostly work-induced. Christmas was difficult as yet another wave of ended-relationship misery crashed into me. But January appeared with glittering hoarfrost on the trees and suddenly everything seems a bit more sparkly and easier to manage. Strange, but I'll take it.
Had my second counseling appointment yesterday, the psychologist seems a bit perplexed by me. She said she keeps feeling like she's figured me out, only to discover moments later that she hasn't figured me out at all. Story of my life. She talks a lot when I really want to be the one doing the talking, and she keeps telling me things that I already know, instead of the juicy insider info I'm convinced she's been withholding. We touched on a pretty big bit of info, where she observed that I have this burning desire to be seen and to feel connected. And she's right, connection is extremely important to me, and something that I rarely find. But a desire to be seen? I don't know, it seems self-indulgent and stupendously insecure, which is often how I feel, so I guess she might be onto something after all. Like how I get irrationally furious when my partner (or friend or family) does something which I feel is a blatant choice between me/us versus whatever this other thing is... I'm perpetually terrified that the important people in my life are always going to feel that something is more important than me. It's embarrassing to admit as it sounds like the fear of a petulant child, but regardless, it's obviously an underlying fear that has had a huge impact on my life and relationships. Interesting. Why do I feel so unworthy? Why do I think it's so likely that these people close to me will just toss me in the trash??
I remember when I was with Boots and things were very messily falling apart in a hotel in Vegas, I was sitting on the bathroom counter and with tears running down my face I told him, "I just want to be wanted." He was struck by the terrible poignancy of that statement, so much so that he mentioned it to me later on. Again, it's somewhat embarrassing to admit that I was dating him even though I knew that he and I were a terrible match, simply because he was interested in me to whatever extent, and that was enough to fill my fragile cup of self-worth.
On further reflection, I see that MANY of my relationships (of varying forms) have been formed out of the startling realization (because it's always startling to me) that this other person LIKES me. Or finds me interesting. Or is in some way intrigued by or attracted to me. I find this surprising every single time it happens. Yet, with every ounce of humility, it happens often. People DO like me. Maybe not everyone all the time, but I’m pretty ok with that, I know I’m an acquired taste. And I don’t like everyone else all the time, so it only seems fair. So why am I so convinced that I’m unlikeable? That I’m unworthy to hold a high place in someone’s thoughts and heart and life, and that I’d be unable to hold that lofty position for long even if I do manage to end up there…?
Humans are funny creatures. My mind is a truly perplexing place, even to myself. I feel like I’m pretty well-adjusted, and especially in my 30’s I feel pretty damn comfortable in my own skin… And yet there’s still this dark, underlying vulnerability. Then again, I’ve found in my life that I come across as strong, confident and self-possessed, and the other person is shocked - and confused and frustrated - to discover later on that I’m actually rather insecure, uncertain and needy. So maybe I’m not so well-adjusted after all.
And when my psychologist told me that I need to tell people how I feel, particularly when such strong feelings arise, I had to grip the arms of the chair to keep myself from spirally into a panic attack and screaming, “No no NO NO NO!!!!!”
I got really angry during Christmas when my parents sat all us kids down to talk about their plans: retirement and leaving on a mission within 18 months to 2 years. It’s not a surprise, they’ve talked about it forever, and I’m not even that close to them. But the idea that they might not be around for their kids’ weddings, or the births of their first grandchildren, and what are we going to do when we don’t have a house to come home to at Christmas..? Those visions had me seething, albeit quietly. And as I sat there silently raging while my siblings all voiced their approval and understanding, I also had an internal debate in my head about how foolish my feelings were. I mean, there’s a very good chance that none of those major life events will occur while my parents are away, and therefore my frustrations will be unfounded. It’s simply the idea that they could possibly choose their religion over their children that infuriates me. However none of my siblings feel that way, including Kelsi, who would still be attached to my mother via her umbilical cord if it were possible. Kathryn wants me to tell my parents that I’m afraid of feeling abandoned and as if I’m not a priority. I can’t imagine having that conversation with them.
My communication skills are definitely not where they should be. How can I be 35 and still not possess the ability to clearly enunciate my needs, wants, desires and thoughts to another person, particularly somebody who I feel an attachment and closeness to???
The entire conversation, and the hour spent intermittently crying, left me feeling drained, and awfully melancholy.
Had my second counseling appointment yesterday, the psychologist seems a bit perplexed by me. She said she keeps feeling like she's figured me out, only to discover moments later that she hasn't figured me out at all. Story of my life. She talks a lot when I really want to be the one doing the talking, and she keeps telling me things that I already know, instead of the juicy insider info I'm convinced she's been withholding. We touched on a pretty big bit of info, where she observed that I have this burning desire to be seen and to feel connected. And she's right, connection is extremely important to me, and something that I rarely find. But a desire to be seen? I don't know, it seems self-indulgent and stupendously insecure, which is often how I feel, so I guess she might be onto something after all. Like how I get irrationally furious when my partner (or friend or family) does something which I feel is a blatant choice between me/us versus whatever this other thing is... I'm perpetually terrified that the important people in my life are always going to feel that something is more important than me. It's embarrassing to admit as it sounds like the fear of a petulant child, but regardless, it's obviously an underlying fear that has had a huge impact on my life and relationships. Interesting. Why do I feel so unworthy? Why do I think it's so likely that these people close to me will just toss me in the trash??
I remember when I was with Boots and things were very messily falling apart in a hotel in Vegas, I was sitting on the bathroom counter and with tears running down my face I told him, "I just want to be wanted." He was struck by the terrible poignancy of that statement, so much so that he mentioned it to me later on. Again, it's somewhat embarrassing to admit that I was dating him even though I knew that he and I were a terrible match, simply because he was interested in me to whatever extent, and that was enough to fill my fragile cup of self-worth.
On further reflection, I see that MANY of my relationships (of varying forms) have been formed out of the startling realization (because it's always startling to me) that this other person LIKES me. Or finds me interesting. Or is in some way intrigued by or attracted to me. I find this surprising every single time it happens. Yet, with every ounce of humility, it happens often. People DO like me. Maybe not everyone all the time, but I’m pretty ok with that, I know I’m an acquired taste. And I don’t like everyone else all the time, so it only seems fair. So why am I so convinced that I’m unlikeable? That I’m unworthy to hold a high place in someone’s thoughts and heart and life, and that I’d be unable to hold that lofty position for long even if I do manage to end up there…?
Humans are funny creatures. My mind is a truly perplexing place, even to myself. I feel like I’m pretty well-adjusted, and especially in my 30’s I feel pretty damn comfortable in my own skin… And yet there’s still this dark, underlying vulnerability. Then again, I’ve found in my life that I come across as strong, confident and self-possessed, and the other person is shocked - and confused and frustrated - to discover later on that I’m actually rather insecure, uncertain and needy. So maybe I’m not so well-adjusted after all.
And when my psychologist told me that I need to tell people how I feel, particularly when such strong feelings arise, I had to grip the arms of the chair to keep myself from spirally into a panic attack and screaming, “No no NO NO NO!!!!!”
I got really angry during Christmas when my parents sat all us kids down to talk about their plans: retirement and leaving on a mission within 18 months to 2 years. It’s not a surprise, they’ve talked about it forever, and I’m not even that close to them. But the idea that they might not be around for their kids’ weddings, or the births of their first grandchildren, and what are we going to do when we don’t have a house to come home to at Christmas..? Those visions had me seething, albeit quietly. And as I sat there silently raging while my siblings all voiced their approval and understanding, I also had an internal debate in my head about how foolish my feelings were. I mean, there’s a very good chance that none of those major life events will occur while my parents are away, and therefore my frustrations will be unfounded. It’s simply the idea that they could possibly choose their religion over their children that infuriates me. However none of my siblings feel that way, including Kelsi, who would still be attached to my mother via her umbilical cord if it were possible. Kathryn wants me to tell my parents that I’m afraid of feeling abandoned and as if I’m not a priority. I can’t imagine having that conversation with them.
My communication skills are definitely not where they should be. How can I be 35 and still not possess the ability to clearly enunciate my needs, wants, desires and thoughts to another person, particularly somebody who I feel an attachment and closeness to???
The entire conversation, and the hour spent intermittently crying, left me feeling drained, and awfully melancholy.