Drums of change
I keep telling myself I'm going to organize my time, focus, get motivated again, and GET STUFF DONE. I was on such a great streak for awhile there, then I took a "break" and haven't gotten back on path. I want to, I really really REALLY do, but the days slip by so quickly, and they all seem so full. I rarely even feel guilty for wasting time, I'm just busy, and that's ok, but I'm getting a bit panicky that I've already lost the magic I had going.
Although I've been doing a fair bit of reading and researching, note-taking and brain-storming, so I suppose I'm slowly moving along after all.
Yesterday Sonja and I shot a cooking video. She's a fitness trainer and nutritionist, and she wants to have more recipes and "how-to's" on hand for her clients. I was happy to oblige. Surprisingly, I was super nonchalant about the whole thing, considering being on camera instantly makes me extremely un-natural and awkward. But I just went with the flow, and I think it went ok. I haven't seen it yet, but Sonja says she's going to post the video in it's entirety, with no edits, so it must be alright. I'm willing to accept that it was our first attempt, and there will be a few rough spots, but let's live and learn!!! If you want to go places, you have to DO things. It was actually fun, I'm hoping we do some more. I'm also hoping I get a copy or a way to post them to my site.
Tonight Kristel and I went to this drum circle. It happens every Friday night at the Inglewood Community Centre. I've been wanting to check it out for aaaaaaages, and finally decided it needed to happen. I'm glad we went. It was a little uncomfortable at first, since we didn't know anyone, and didn't really know how to drum or what to do... But there was instruction, and no judgement, and it ended up being really really cool. There were probably at least 75 people there! We did a few different things, lead by the facilitator Julian, rhythms, beats, long eclectic jams and short, somewhat scripted pieces. They also do this thing where everyone drums, and you take turns laying on the floor in the centre of the room, and a few drummers and the digeridoo players play right over top of you so you can feel the vibrations. Very cool. It made me think of wars, vikings, natives, strength, community, celebration... At the end everyone stood in a giant circle with their arms linked, and stated a word that described their headspace. Most people were content, joyful, and peaceful. It ended on a pretty mellow but really glowing, positive feeling, with this great vibe in the air. And I was struck by this thought that "This is church." That's how it felt to me anyway, like being in church, with the glowing feeling, the sense of community, and doing something that the outside world probably considers a bit wacky, yet brings so much peace and relaxation. It was pretty sweet, and I'll definitely be going back for more.
The mix of people there was really interesting. The youngest kid was about 5, and the oldest man had to have been in his 80's. There were lots of couples, young and old, most people were pretty "normal" looking, just average joe's you'd barely notice on the street, and there were also a handful who were a little more earthy. Julian was the most average dude of them all, but he had this great aura, and he was AMAZING on his djembe!! I want to play a djembe like that. I think I want to buy one and take some lessons. My dance class has made me realize that there are lots of set rhythms, with names, and you need to know how to play them if you ever want to really properly play, particularly in any sort of group. I wonder if there's written drum music......
Work is good. Jade's settled in nicely at the Rose. The regulars and staff alike all loooooooooove her. Obviously. Somers is pretty blown away by how strong of a server she is, particularly because the other girl he hired just isn't getting our flow. It's awesome having her there. I get to see her more, and we have yet another bond to share. I don't even mind sharing her with my coworkers and regulars, and it's kind of nice to have someone to jam about all the craziness with! Work. It's good. I'm glad it's good, so very glad. And curious as to what will happen in six month's time. I'm still not stressed about it though, which seems...... strange, but totally ok.
Yesterday a friend had posted on his Facebook a link to a job. It's a volunteer coordinator position, and it's a year long in Nepal. It sounds amazing, incredible, so very very cool. I dismissed it, "I can't leave my kitty for a year! And I also have car payments.." But I couldn't stop thinking about it. I commented on the post, and decided to go ahead and apply, so today I composed and sent a request to the director. However, the posting was listed as starting July 1, and I simply couldn't/wouldn't leave that soon. January would be ideal, but if they need someone now it seems unlikely that January will be a plausible offer. Perhaps next July the position will open up again? If not, they have a ton of volunteer placements throughout Nepal and I very seriously think that's what I want to do for a couple of months next winter. Interesting, very very interesting.
Kelsi turned 30 this week. Her poor kitten also broke her hip/leg the day before Kelsi's birthday and is going to require a $2000 surgery to repair it. Yikes. Kels is down in Vegas celebrating her new decade of life, while Steve watches poor Mavie. Crazy times. Sometimes it seems like Kelsi really just has the most rotten luck.
Maclean's birthday was last week. I made him breakfast and packed him a lunch, (and got his day, ahem, started right). We went to Model Milk for supper with Jade, Scotty, Kels, Steve and his new girl Tiare. It was a fun, delicious, expensive meal. Jade said to Tiare, "Welcome to the family," which was cute and appropriate and I LOVE that we all hang out as family so much..... However it made me feel sad and awkward because just a few days previous Mike and I had talked, and cried, and it became very clear that he doesn't want to do this any more.
Yeah, that's right. It's happening again. That whole breaking up thing. He started telling me how he wants to buy a house outside of Nelson. He went fishing out there a few weeks ago and apparently has thought of nothing else since then. He's even been looking up property and jobs online. The guy seems serious. He wants a few acres, with no neighbours, lots of chickens and a few goats, a giant garden, and a coupla little kidlets running through it all. The idea is beautiful and romantic and somewhat appealing, but it also scares the ever-loving crap out of me.... Because adventures are not something he and I do well together. Making big changes isn't something he and I do well together. Communicating is something we're simply awful at, but I'm pretty certain we'd need to be on the same page about a lot of things if we were to tackle a move like that. Doing something like that with my best friend, seems like an adventure. Doing all of that with Mike seems frustrating and hard. Mostly because it would be HIS dream, and there would be little room for amendment.
I don't know. I want to MAKE it work, but that just doesn't seem feasible. I suggested that we focus on us and figure out if this relationship is even moving ahead before we start talking about all these other things. He got subdued at that. I gave him two scenarios to consider, making some goals together and putting specific effort into US, or planning this new idea and move/life on his own. He had a visible release when I gave him the second scenario, and I didn't have to ask which one felt better to him, but I did anyway, and of course it was the second option that was more appealing to him.
We were too emotional to dig any further at that moment. So we planted the garden and made love, then I cried on his shoulder.
We haven't talked about it again, and we've actually seemed closer and nicer since then. More sex, more kind words, more patience, more effort. He wanted to go camping the weekend after his birthday, and wanted me to come, and it was good.....
I can't imagine ending this. And yet I can't imagine this being my life for the rest of my life. There has to be someone better suited to him, and someone for me, but it hurts a little bit having to admit that I'm not the one that's good for him.
At some point before he and I started dating he was sleeping with this chick Ruve. She still comments on his FB stuff and seems to be around a bit, when I asked about her he just said they used to hook up, but that he wasn't in the right place to date her. Or whatever. Fine and dandy. Then things got a wee bit complicated when my old neighbour Arsh invited us over for dinner, as well Steve and Tiare, and Ruve was there too, because she's friends with Arsh and Yuki, and because she's Tiare's sister. So Mike's brother is dating his exes sister. That seems a little close for comfort, doesn't it? But Mike doesn't mind bumping into Ruve, and so we went to dinner and it was fine because a) we're all adults and b) everyone was awesome. I had some great chats and a lot of fun, our night only got cut somewhat short because my stomach really started to hurt. But watching Ruve was interesting, I could absolutely see why Mike would be attracted to her. She's pretty, but she's also spunky and a little nutty, she does and says some wacky stuff, is uninhibited, likes to drink and have fun, and is genuinely nice. That's exactly the kind of girl he needs to be with.
I WANT to be fun and spunky and uninhibited!!!!!! But I'm naturally a reserved person, and while I've stepped out of my shell a whole heckuva lot in my adulthood, I tend to be extra reserved around Mike. I think I feel it's a balance to his constant stream of energy, but really it just frustrates both of us.
Wow, this is making me sad. So I'm gonna stop. I keep thinking I'll be totally ok when/if we sort out this breakup stuff, but in reality it's really freaking hard and it hurts a LOT.
Although I've been doing a fair bit of reading and researching, note-taking and brain-storming, so I suppose I'm slowly moving along after all.
Yesterday Sonja and I shot a cooking video. She's a fitness trainer and nutritionist, and she wants to have more recipes and "how-to's" on hand for her clients. I was happy to oblige. Surprisingly, I was super nonchalant about the whole thing, considering being on camera instantly makes me extremely un-natural and awkward. But I just went with the flow, and I think it went ok. I haven't seen it yet, but Sonja says she's going to post the video in it's entirety, with no edits, so it must be alright. I'm willing to accept that it was our first attempt, and there will be a few rough spots, but let's live and learn!!! If you want to go places, you have to DO things. It was actually fun, I'm hoping we do some more. I'm also hoping I get a copy or a way to post them to my site.
Tonight Kristel and I went to this drum circle. It happens every Friday night at the Inglewood Community Centre. I've been wanting to check it out for aaaaaaages, and finally decided it needed to happen. I'm glad we went. It was a little uncomfortable at first, since we didn't know anyone, and didn't really know how to drum or what to do... But there was instruction, and no judgement, and it ended up being really really cool. There were probably at least 75 people there! We did a few different things, lead by the facilitator Julian, rhythms, beats, long eclectic jams and short, somewhat scripted pieces. They also do this thing where everyone drums, and you take turns laying on the floor in the centre of the room, and a few drummers and the digeridoo players play right over top of you so you can feel the vibrations. Very cool. It made me think of wars, vikings, natives, strength, community, celebration... At the end everyone stood in a giant circle with their arms linked, and stated a word that described their headspace. Most people were content, joyful, and peaceful. It ended on a pretty mellow but really glowing, positive feeling, with this great vibe in the air. And I was struck by this thought that "This is church." That's how it felt to me anyway, like being in church, with the glowing feeling, the sense of community, and doing something that the outside world probably considers a bit wacky, yet brings so much peace and relaxation. It was pretty sweet, and I'll definitely be going back for more.
The mix of people there was really interesting. The youngest kid was about 5, and the oldest man had to have been in his 80's. There were lots of couples, young and old, most people were pretty "normal" looking, just average joe's you'd barely notice on the street, and there were also a handful who were a little more earthy. Julian was the most average dude of them all, but he had this great aura, and he was AMAZING on his djembe!! I want to play a djembe like that. I think I want to buy one and take some lessons. My dance class has made me realize that there are lots of set rhythms, with names, and you need to know how to play them if you ever want to really properly play, particularly in any sort of group. I wonder if there's written drum music......
Work is good. Jade's settled in nicely at the Rose. The regulars and staff alike all loooooooooove her. Obviously. Somers is pretty blown away by how strong of a server she is, particularly because the other girl he hired just isn't getting our flow. It's awesome having her there. I get to see her more, and we have yet another bond to share. I don't even mind sharing her with my coworkers and regulars, and it's kind of nice to have someone to jam about all the craziness with! Work. It's good. I'm glad it's good, so very glad. And curious as to what will happen in six month's time. I'm still not stressed about it though, which seems...... strange, but totally ok.
Yesterday a friend had posted on his Facebook a link to a job. It's a volunteer coordinator position, and it's a year long in Nepal. It sounds amazing, incredible, so very very cool. I dismissed it, "I can't leave my kitty for a year! And I also have car payments.." But I couldn't stop thinking about it. I commented on the post, and decided to go ahead and apply, so today I composed and sent a request to the director. However, the posting was listed as starting July 1, and I simply couldn't/wouldn't leave that soon. January would be ideal, but if they need someone now it seems unlikely that January will be a plausible offer. Perhaps next July the position will open up again? If not, they have a ton of volunteer placements throughout Nepal and I very seriously think that's what I want to do for a couple of months next winter. Interesting, very very interesting.
Kelsi turned 30 this week. Her poor kitten also broke her hip/leg the day before Kelsi's birthday and is going to require a $2000 surgery to repair it. Yikes. Kels is down in Vegas celebrating her new decade of life, while Steve watches poor Mavie. Crazy times. Sometimes it seems like Kelsi really just has the most rotten luck.
Maclean's birthday was last week. I made him breakfast and packed him a lunch, (and got his day, ahem, started right). We went to Model Milk for supper with Jade, Scotty, Kels, Steve and his new girl Tiare. It was a fun, delicious, expensive meal. Jade said to Tiare, "Welcome to the family," which was cute and appropriate and I LOVE that we all hang out as family so much..... However it made me feel sad and awkward because just a few days previous Mike and I had talked, and cried, and it became very clear that he doesn't want to do this any more.
Yeah, that's right. It's happening again. That whole breaking up thing. He started telling me how he wants to buy a house outside of Nelson. He went fishing out there a few weeks ago and apparently has thought of nothing else since then. He's even been looking up property and jobs online. The guy seems serious. He wants a few acres, with no neighbours, lots of chickens and a few goats, a giant garden, and a coupla little kidlets running through it all. The idea is beautiful and romantic and somewhat appealing, but it also scares the ever-loving crap out of me.... Because adventures are not something he and I do well together. Making big changes isn't something he and I do well together. Communicating is something we're simply awful at, but I'm pretty certain we'd need to be on the same page about a lot of things if we were to tackle a move like that. Doing something like that with my best friend, seems like an adventure. Doing all of that with Mike seems frustrating and hard. Mostly because it would be HIS dream, and there would be little room for amendment.
I don't know. I want to MAKE it work, but that just doesn't seem feasible. I suggested that we focus on us and figure out if this relationship is even moving ahead before we start talking about all these other things. He got subdued at that. I gave him two scenarios to consider, making some goals together and putting specific effort into US, or planning this new idea and move/life on his own. He had a visible release when I gave him the second scenario, and I didn't have to ask which one felt better to him, but I did anyway, and of course it was the second option that was more appealing to him.
We were too emotional to dig any further at that moment. So we planted the garden and made love, then I cried on his shoulder.
We haven't talked about it again, and we've actually seemed closer and nicer since then. More sex, more kind words, more patience, more effort. He wanted to go camping the weekend after his birthday, and wanted me to come, and it was good.....
I can't imagine ending this. And yet I can't imagine this being my life for the rest of my life. There has to be someone better suited to him, and someone for me, but it hurts a little bit having to admit that I'm not the one that's good for him.
At some point before he and I started dating he was sleeping with this chick Ruve. She still comments on his FB stuff and seems to be around a bit, when I asked about her he just said they used to hook up, but that he wasn't in the right place to date her. Or whatever. Fine and dandy. Then things got a wee bit complicated when my old neighbour Arsh invited us over for dinner, as well Steve and Tiare, and Ruve was there too, because she's friends with Arsh and Yuki, and because she's Tiare's sister. So Mike's brother is dating his exes sister. That seems a little close for comfort, doesn't it? But Mike doesn't mind bumping into Ruve, and so we went to dinner and it was fine because a) we're all adults and b) everyone was awesome. I had some great chats and a lot of fun, our night only got cut somewhat short because my stomach really started to hurt. But watching Ruve was interesting, I could absolutely see why Mike would be attracted to her. She's pretty, but she's also spunky and a little nutty, she does and says some wacky stuff, is uninhibited, likes to drink and have fun, and is genuinely nice. That's exactly the kind of girl he needs to be with.
I WANT to be fun and spunky and uninhibited!!!!!! But I'm naturally a reserved person, and while I've stepped out of my shell a whole heckuva lot in my adulthood, I tend to be extra reserved around Mike. I think I feel it's a balance to his constant stream of energy, but really it just frustrates both of us.
Wow, this is making me sad. So I'm gonna stop. I keep thinking I'll be totally ok when/if we sort out this breakup stuff, but in reality it's really freaking hard and it hurts a LOT.