What next??
I may be turning Maclean into an over-communicator... yesterday he started telling me about how bad the crotch in his workout shorts smelled. O_o
He and I are doing well. Things between us are smoother and definitely feel better. We'll see how it progresses over the next little while. I love him so much it hurts sometimes, but I can't help thinking about the future and I still can't picture him in it. I don't want him introducing our wee ones to his crass friends and even crasser musical tastes. I can't picture a life where we're in sync about spirituality and how to raise kids and where we want to go on vacation... So where does any of this leave us? But I love our house and our life and our relationship, I love his family and his work ethic, I could go on and on, and still be left sitting on the fence.
A few more weeks, just give me a few more weeks.
I finally responded to my Beautiful Banga. I didn't mean to postpone it for three weeks, I just couldn't find an appropriate time and the appropriate words to say. He talked about exploring spirituality and religion, wondering what he believed and what he wanted, talking to others to discover what they believed. Interesting. And compelling. Why oh why do I have to be so alike and so compatible with someone who's so far away? He makes my life sweeter, but so much more complicated. And what about the whole concept of opposites attract? As much as I think I want someone who's more like me, I fully grant that I would drive even myself crazy if I had to put up with me every day.
Sometimes I wish that Fate or the Universe or something would just intervene and make my hard decisions for me. But that's never ever happened and I don't imagine it will start happening any time soon. Nor would I likely be content with that anyway. But it sounds so pleasant and SIMPLE. Eventually I do get around to making the necessary decisions, and I've learned how to "move on" with as much ease as possible, but that doesn't mean I want to do either of those things. Again.
Although I feel that even the fact that I'm talking about all this (yes, again) means that it needs to be done.
On another note, last night I dreamt I made this beautiful painting. It was on burlap sack which had been stretched over a wooden frame like a canvas. It was all soft colours, with some of the cloth showing through, and there were two faces sketched over the background. A woman bought it for a significant amount of money. I was unbelievably excited that I'd sold a piece of artwork, particularly something that I was so proud of. But it wasn't quite finished, and when I went to varnish it and fix the frame, I somehow ended up destroying it instead. It was awful.
I didn't remember my dreams for years and years. I dream more frequently now, but still not with any sort of regularity. But lately I've been having a lot of bad dreams, ranging from heart-racing and fear inducing to ones that make me feel incredibly anxious and upset. Strange. And not awesome.
For the first time in the memorable past I don't have any plans. No travel plans. No concert tickets waiting on my shelf. Nothing specific to look forward to. It's strange. I'm looking forward to summer and the prospect of camping and hiking and spending time in the sun, but not having a particular PLAN is making me a little itchy around the travel parts. I've been to a big music festival every summer for the past four years, but I don't think I'm going to make it to one this year, which is a tiny bit disconcerting. Part of me doesn't really care, as I've been less than energetic at the last few I attended (aka I'm getting old), but another part of me is disappointed in myself for not finding a way to make it happen.
The Naked and Famous are playing in Vancouver in April, which would be fun, although flights are expensive around that date for some reason. Newsies is on Broadway until June and I'd love to check out NYC in the spring, perhaps that's an option, albeit much MUCH more expensive than Vancouver. And Incubus is playing Vegas again sometime in May...
I've actually got a couple grand in the bank these days, which feels amazing, and makes me want to do something semi-extravagant (which would likely not be extravagant at all).. But I also still have $15,000 worth of my school loan to pay back. I don't like to think about that, particularly since I am neither making any money as an actor or as a nutritionist. But, it is what it is. I figure if I pay $3000 a year I'll have it paid off in five years, and a year after that my car will be paid off. Debt free. At 39. With nothing to my name but a then six year old car, and some expensive text books. Oh man, I really hope I have something more to show for my life in 6 years. 39.... wow.....
On the flip side of that coin, I'm surprisingly content with where I'm at. I wake up happy most days, and go to sleep happy just as often. I like my jobs, I like where I live, I'm enjoying my days. I may not be ecstatic about it all, but general overall contentment has got to count for something. Right?
He and I are doing well. Things between us are smoother and definitely feel better. We'll see how it progresses over the next little while. I love him so much it hurts sometimes, but I can't help thinking about the future and I still can't picture him in it. I don't want him introducing our wee ones to his crass friends and even crasser musical tastes. I can't picture a life where we're in sync about spirituality and how to raise kids and where we want to go on vacation... So where does any of this leave us? But I love our house and our life and our relationship, I love his family and his work ethic, I could go on and on, and still be left sitting on the fence.
A few more weeks, just give me a few more weeks.
I finally responded to my Beautiful Banga. I didn't mean to postpone it for three weeks, I just couldn't find an appropriate time and the appropriate words to say. He talked about exploring spirituality and religion, wondering what he believed and what he wanted, talking to others to discover what they believed. Interesting. And compelling. Why oh why do I have to be so alike and so compatible with someone who's so far away? He makes my life sweeter, but so much more complicated. And what about the whole concept of opposites attract? As much as I think I want someone who's more like me, I fully grant that I would drive even myself crazy if I had to put up with me every day.
Sometimes I wish that Fate or the Universe or something would just intervene and make my hard decisions for me. But that's never ever happened and I don't imagine it will start happening any time soon. Nor would I likely be content with that anyway. But it sounds so pleasant and SIMPLE. Eventually I do get around to making the necessary decisions, and I've learned how to "move on" with as much ease as possible, but that doesn't mean I want to do either of those things. Again.
Although I feel that even the fact that I'm talking about all this (yes, again) means that it needs to be done.
On another note, last night I dreamt I made this beautiful painting. It was on burlap sack which had been stretched over a wooden frame like a canvas. It was all soft colours, with some of the cloth showing through, and there were two faces sketched over the background. A woman bought it for a significant amount of money. I was unbelievably excited that I'd sold a piece of artwork, particularly something that I was so proud of. But it wasn't quite finished, and when I went to varnish it and fix the frame, I somehow ended up destroying it instead. It was awful.
I didn't remember my dreams for years and years. I dream more frequently now, but still not with any sort of regularity. But lately I've been having a lot of bad dreams, ranging from heart-racing and fear inducing to ones that make me feel incredibly anxious and upset. Strange. And not awesome.
For the first time in the memorable past I don't have any plans. No travel plans. No concert tickets waiting on my shelf. Nothing specific to look forward to. It's strange. I'm looking forward to summer and the prospect of camping and hiking and spending time in the sun, but not having a particular PLAN is making me a little itchy around the travel parts. I've been to a big music festival every summer for the past four years, but I don't think I'm going to make it to one this year, which is a tiny bit disconcerting. Part of me doesn't really care, as I've been less than energetic at the last few I attended (aka I'm getting old), but another part of me is disappointed in myself for not finding a way to make it happen.
The Naked and Famous are playing in Vancouver in April, which would be fun, although flights are expensive around that date for some reason. Newsies is on Broadway until June and I'd love to check out NYC in the spring, perhaps that's an option, albeit much MUCH more expensive than Vancouver. And Incubus is playing Vegas again sometime in May...
I've actually got a couple grand in the bank these days, which feels amazing, and makes me want to do something semi-extravagant (which would likely not be extravagant at all).. But I also still have $15,000 worth of my school loan to pay back. I don't like to think about that, particularly since I am neither making any money as an actor or as a nutritionist. But, it is what it is. I figure if I pay $3000 a year I'll have it paid off in five years, and a year after that my car will be paid off. Debt free. At 39. With nothing to my name but a then six year old car, and some expensive text books. Oh man, I really hope I have something more to show for my life in 6 years. 39.... wow.....
On the flip side of that coin, I'm surprisingly content with where I'm at. I wake up happy most days, and go to sleep happy just as often. I like my jobs, I like where I live, I'm enjoying my days. I may not be ecstatic about it all, but general overall contentment has got to count for something. Right?