Project Happily Ever After
My relationship doesn't always have me jumping up and down in excitement, or swooning like Bella in absolute burning, all-consuming lust, loyalty and single-hearted love. In fact I can't remember the last time I felt any of those emotions in connection to Mr. Maclean.
Don't get me wrong, I love the man, our life together is good, and I think he's a wonderful guy. But am I happy? Fulfilled? Satisfied? No. And our relationship, therefore, has stagnated. We're not moving forward. We're not planning new things together. We're not excited about the things we think life is bringing to us. We're not growing closer. I HATE stagnant. Absolutely despise it. To me it's one of the worst feelings ever. It leads to boredom. It leads to feelings of insecurity, apathy, inferiority and depression. It makes me start looking for greener pastures and leads to serious problems of, "My life will be better when..._________"
For Mike, I think life is simple. He makes a decision about what is needed, then he puts his head down and does it. I think his life IS the daily ins and outs. He derives his pleasure from doing silly things at work and making the guys laugh. From getting loosened up with a few beverages on the weekend. From indulging in hobbies that get his heart pounding, like snowboarding, dirtbiking, loud concerts and watching hockey. This, to him, is life. He makes the best decisions that he can with what he's given, and then he sticks with them until he's forced into making a new choice. He rarely questions his choices and activities, he doesn't look back at the possibilities or "what ifs." He just plunges ahead and does his best. That's how it seems anyway. And there's some wisdom in this type of thinking and living, I think it's simpler in many ways. But it doesn't leave much room for daydreaming or adventures or trying new things. It also doesn't seem to encourage progression. As long as things are fine, and generally the same as they always have been, then that's good enough. If it's ok the way it is, then why try to change it? Change can be good though, it can make things better. It can open doors to exciting careers, flavours, adventures... I want to progress and learn and absorb/experience as much as I can. Left to his own devices, I'm fairly certain each day and each year of Maclean's life would look much the same as the one before it. If each day is good and he's happy, then I suppose there's nothing inherently wrong with that, but in my opinion there's so much more out there, that doing the same thing forever seems incredibly tedious and rather soul-sucking. It's like eating your favourite meal every day for the rest of your life. It might be awesome for the first week, but it's going to lose it's thrill on your tastebuds pretty quickly.
Anyway..... I came across this website http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/ (there's a book too) written by a woman who saved her marriage. She's funny, compelling and real, and the whole thing struck a chord with me. I donated $1.99 and she sent me basically a how-to manual for improving your relationship. I read the entire 83 pages in one sitting. The first third I was excited, thrilled, this was just what I'd been looking for! Some real life, realistic advice on how to actually make things better. But then my excitement began to wane as I realized that in order to implement even one of those 83 pages I'd have to get Maclean to sit down and either talk to me about it (unlikely) or read it himself (highly unlikely). Not that he won't sit and stare at me while I talk at him about my newfound discovery, but almost the entire improvement process was based on communication (DUH!) and how on earth do you begin a regime based on communication when that's the one thing that seems to be impossible???
By the last chapter of that delightful manual I was frequently wiping away pesky tears that refused to keep welling up.
I have no idea how to do this.
Nor do I even know if it's worth doing. I would like to be closer. I would like our relationship to be better. I would love to be happy and content and satisfied. But is Mike the man I want all that with? We're not married so the pressure to give it our all really isn't there, nor should it be. That's why we're not married, because I don't think either of us is sure we're really compatible enough to spend our lives together. So do I attempt to fix things, or just cut my losses and try again one day with someone else? Therein lies my biggest dilemma.
And I wish above all else that I could talk to him about it. All of it. But it's like talking to someone who only speaks a handful of English. I'm sure he'd like to understand me and my feelings and whatever the hell I'm passionately trying to explain to him, but instead he stares at me intently, focusing on trying to pick out words and phrases he understands, until it all becomes too much and he just tunes out.
To try or not to try, that is the question....
Don't get me wrong, I love the man, our life together is good, and I think he's a wonderful guy. But am I happy? Fulfilled? Satisfied? No. And our relationship, therefore, has stagnated. We're not moving forward. We're not planning new things together. We're not excited about the things we think life is bringing to us. We're not growing closer. I HATE stagnant. Absolutely despise it. To me it's one of the worst feelings ever. It leads to boredom. It leads to feelings of insecurity, apathy, inferiority and depression. It makes me start looking for greener pastures and leads to serious problems of, "My life will be better when..._________"
For Mike, I think life is simple. He makes a decision about what is needed, then he puts his head down and does it. I think his life IS the daily ins and outs. He derives his pleasure from doing silly things at work and making the guys laugh. From getting loosened up with a few beverages on the weekend. From indulging in hobbies that get his heart pounding, like snowboarding, dirtbiking, loud concerts and watching hockey. This, to him, is life. He makes the best decisions that he can with what he's given, and then he sticks with them until he's forced into making a new choice. He rarely questions his choices and activities, he doesn't look back at the possibilities or "what ifs." He just plunges ahead and does his best. That's how it seems anyway. And there's some wisdom in this type of thinking and living, I think it's simpler in many ways. But it doesn't leave much room for daydreaming or adventures or trying new things. It also doesn't seem to encourage progression. As long as things are fine, and generally the same as they always have been, then that's good enough. If it's ok the way it is, then why try to change it? Change can be good though, it can make things better. It can open doors to exciting careers, flavours, adventures... I want to progress and learn and absorb/experience as much as I can. Left to his own devices, I'm fairly certain each day and each year of Maclean's life would look much the same as the one before it. If each day is good and he's happy, then I suppose there's nothing inherently wrong with that, but in my opinion there's so much more out there, that doing the same thing forever seems incredibly tedious and rather soul-sucking. It's like eating your favourite meal every day for the rest of your life. It might be awesome for the first week, but it's going to lose it's thrill on your tastebuds pretty quickly.
Anyway..... I came across this website http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/ (there's a book too) written by a woman who saved her marriage. She's funny, compelling and real, and the whole thing struck a chord with me. I donated $1.99 and she sent me basically a how-to manual for improving your relationship. I read the entire 83 pages in one sitting. The first third I was excited, thrilled, this was just what I'd been looking for! Some real life, realistic advice on how to actually make things better. But then my excitement began to wane as I realized that in order to implement even one of those 83 pages I'd have to get Maclean to sit down and either talk to me about it (unlikely) or read it himself (highly unlikely). Not that he won't sit and stare at me while I talk at him about my newfound discovery, but almost the entire improvement process was based on communication (DUH!) and how on earth do you begin a regime based on communication when that's the one thing that seems to be impossible???
By the last chapter of that delightful manual I was frequently wiping away pesky tears that refused to keep welling up.
I have no idea how to do this.
Nor do I even know if it's worth doing. I would like to be closer. I would like our relationship to be better. I would love to be happy and content and satisfied. But is Mike the man I want all that with? We're not married so the pressure to give it our all really isn't there, nor should it be. That's why we're not married, because I don't think either of us is sure we're really compatible enough to spend our lives together. So do I attempt to fix things, or just cut my losses and try again one day with someone else? Therein lies my biggest dilemma.
And I wish above all else that I could talk to him about it. All of it. But it's like talking to someone who only speaks a handful of English. I'm sure he'd like to understand me and my feelings and whatever the hell I'm passionately trying to explain to him, but instead he stares at me intently, focusing on trying to pick out words and phrases he understands, until it all becomes too much and he just tunes out.
To try or not to try, that is the question....