(no subject)
Sometimes I really think I might be emotionally unstable. As much as I like to delude myself into proclaiming how level-headed I am, this afternoon I had a brainwave where I realized that I'm actually creating drama for drama's sake, if only in my head.
The one thing Maclean and I have always had was sex. It's always been fun and good and uncomplicated. But lately...... My libido has been practically non-existent (which may be due to the fact that I've been bleeding almost constantly for the past 2 1/2 months), but despite that, I've been incredibly angsty over the fact that it seems to be all he ever wants me for. He's been working out of town, and whether he's gone for 2 nights or 5, he gets back and the only thing on his mind is getting me naked. It's like he's been depraved, and because he hasn't had the constant option, he's now due immediate access. He's not exactly coming across this way, and of course I know he isn't thinking about it like that, but instead of being excited to see him I feel like he's only got one thing on his mind, and that if we don't have sex he's going to be pissed off.
He's constantly making references to how sexy I am, how turned on I make him, how hot my body is, and while it used to make me feel sexy, it's beginning to make me feel like a piece of meat. I'd like a few compliments simply for the sake of a genuine compliment, and not because he's horny. He probably thinks he's being sweet, but every once in awhile I'd like to feel like he loves ME, and not just my body.
Anyway...
Houseboating was fun. It's awesome just being able to relax outside, soak up the sun, and play in the water. It was a pretty mixed bag of people, but everyone got along fine and were considerate of keeping things clean and tidy (which is crucial in such a tiny space). We rented a Sea Doo one afternoon and I loved ripping around on that thing, so fun! There were a couple of party nights, but I didn't participate in them. I didn't want to be hung over on a boat, and I just didn't really care. Plus, I figured going to be early and leaving Maclean to his own devices was probably going to make both of us happier in the long run. He may be drinking less, but he's started smoking cigars almost every time he does have a drink. Seriously man??
Jade, Scotty and I watched "Waiting" last night. It's funny because while it's an overexaggeration about the service industry, it's also stupefyingly accurate. It also made me feel like an absolute waste of space for still being a server at 32 years old. If I had my way I'd never serve another table ever again. I don't hate the Wild Rose yet, but that place is a bit of an anomaly. I can even see myself getting fed up with Blue Star Diner sooner rather than later. I really need to do something else with my life. REALLY. And the only one who can do that is me. So why the hell am I still procrastinating tooth and nail even making the smallest steps forward? I have issues.
So once again I'm in mental and emotional turmoil about what to do with my life and my relationship. I'm like a broken record. A record that was boring to begin with.
I'm missing Beautiful Banga so much it almost physically hurts some days.
I'm enjoying having Dessert out of town, it gives me surprisingly necessary breathing and living room.
I told myself awhile back that I was giving this a deadline, and I decided that make it or break it line would be April 2012. I also told myself that I would actually TRY to be positive and committed until then.
I wish I had more energy.
The one thing Maclean and I have always had was sex. It's always been fun and good and uncomplicated. But lately...... My libido has been practically non-existent (which may be due to the fact that I've been bleeding almost constantly for the past 2 1/2 months), but despite that, I've been incredibly angsty over the fact that it seems to be all he ever wants me for. He's been working out of town, and whether he's gone for 2 nights or 5, he gets back and the only thing on his mind is getting me naked. It's like he's been depraved, and because he hasn't had the constant option, he's now due immediate access. He's not exactly coming across this way, and of course I know he isn't thinking about it like that, but instead of being excited to see him I feel like he's only got one thing on his mind, and that if we don't have sex he's going to be pissed off.
He's constantly making references to how sexy I am, how turned on I make him, how hot my body is, and while it used to make me feel sexy, it's beginning to make me feel like a piece of meat. I'd like a few compliments simply for the sake of a genuine compliment, and not because he's horny. He probably thinks he's being sweet, but every once in awhile I'd like to feel like he loves ME, and not just my body.
Anyway...
Houseboating was fun. It's awesome just being able to relax outside, soak up the sun, and play in the water. It was a pretty mixed bag of people, but everyone got along fine and were considerate of keeping things clean and tidy (which is crucial in such a tiny space). We rented a Sea Doo one afternoon and I loved ripping around on that thing, so fun! There were a couple of party nights, but I didn't participate in them. I didn't want to be hung over on a boat, and I just didn't really care. Plus, I figured going to be early and leaving Maclean to his own devices was probably going to make both of us happier in the long run. He may be drinking less, but he's started smoking cigars almost every time he does have a drink. Seriously man??
Jade, Scotty and I watched "Waiting" last night. It's funny because while it's an overexaggeration about the service industry, it's also stupefyingly accurate. It also made me feel like an absolute waste of space for still being a server at 32 years old. If I had my way I'd never serve another table ever again. I don't hate the Wild Rose yet, but that place is a bit of an anomaly. I can even see myself getting fed up with Blue Star Diner sooner rather than later. I really need to do something else with my life. REALLY. And the only one who can do that is me. So why the hell am I still procrastinating tooth and nail even making the smallest steps forward? I have issues.
So once again I'm in mental and emotional turmoil about what to do with my life and my relationship. I'm like a broken record. A record that was boring to begin with.
I'm missing Beautiful Banga so much it almost physically hurts some days.
I'm enjoying having Dessert out of town, it gives me surprisingly necessary breathing and living room.
I told myself awhile back that I was giving this a deadline, and I decided that make it or break it line would be April 2012. I also told myself that I would actually TRY to be positive and committed until then.
I wish I had more energy.