A New Year -sigh
It's New Year's Eve. I am at home, alone. I have been in bed since about 6pm, but I can't sleep. Only an hour to go until it is 2002. Not sure how I feel about that. 2001 was interesting and good for the most part. Not terribly productive perhaps... There's nobody I really wanted to share tonight with. Sad. That's not entirely true, but I've been grouchy as all day and I suppose that killed any desire to be pleasant and fun tonight. It could have been nice to be with Matt, but he's on the other side of the world and already into his second day of 2002. Maybe Josh, but he didn't want me to be at the party he was going to -although he wants to be near me every moment possible, he needed a break. But I'm rarely around him... Greg has called me at least twice a day since I've gotten home, but I haven't gone out with him once. I'm being highly antisocial -not sure why. Kind of scared, kind of lazy... But if I don't start going out soon he will stop inviting and then I will have squashed my only hope of making friends in this cliquey little city.
Why is my life such a disaster? Why do things have to be so stinking hard??
I've been thinking, and the only job I really want to do is acting. Other than that I would like to find my true love (and keep him) and see as much of the world as possible.
I don't mind having my share of trials and issues and hard things to sort out and learn by, but does that really need to include being at a complete and utter loss as to what to do with myself beyond tomorrow??
I'd like a friend, or two, or even three... so why do I keep giving excuses to avoid the people who want to see me, and why don't I keep in better touch with the other people who care about me? I complain about having to open myself up and let new people get to know me, but I don't seem to want to be around the old ones. And there's nothing wrong with most of my old friends. I'm just fickle and finicky and quickly becoming depressed.
Once again I think I'd be a lot better if I had someone here to hold me. But I'd like to be able to be ok on my own. I don't consider myself to be a dependent person, and others see me as this heroically independent person -it's just that I have trouble being alone. I'm a people person: I understand people, I relate well to them, I like to talk to people and make them happy. SO WHY AM I ALONE??? I wouldn't have had to try hard to be somewhere other than here, and surrounded by people. Too stubborn, too silly, too stupid.
Other pressing issues that I'm trying not to deal with and I'm not even sure I want to type... I think there is something wrong with one of my breasts. I had it looked at, but the doctor wasn't concerned. Am I being paranoid? I confess, I do get a little carried away by occasionally creating the worst possible scenarios in my head. I don't know. I'm still worried.
Talking to Josh the other day. He was telling me how he'd had such good luck all year. As I thought about it I realized I've had the rottenest luck I've encountered in a long time. I didn't get to do any acting, I didn't make as many friends or as close of friends as I'd desperately hoped for, I was NOT looking for a serious relationship but got one anyway, the aforementioned relationship went from amazingly good to the most hurtful I've ever encountered and is now stuck in the middle, I had more health problems than I have ever had... sigh. And judging by the start of this year, it's not going to be much better.
Wow, that was so pessimistic. I NEED this year to be a good one for me, a productive one, a happy one. But I don't know how to get it started. One step at a time, only I don't know where I'm going.
Why is my life such a disaster? Why do things have to be so stinking hard??
I've been thinking, and the only job I really want to do is acting. Other than that I would like to find my true love (and keep him) and see as much of the world as possible.
I don't mind having my share of trials and issues and hard things to sort out and learn by, but does that really need to include being at a complete and utter loss as to what to do with myself beyond tomorrow??
I'd like a friend, or two, or even three... so why do I keep giving excuses to avoid the people who want to see me, and why don't I keep in better touch with the other people who care about me? I complain about having to open myself up and let new people get to know me, but I don't seem to want to be around the old ones. And there's nothing wrong with most of my old friends. I'm just fickle and finicky and quickly becoming depressed.
Once again I think I'd be a lot better if I had someone here to hold me. But I'd like to be able to be ok on my own. I don't consider myself to be a dependent person, and others see me as this heroically independent person -it's just that I have trouble being alone. I'm a people person: I understand people, I relate well to them, I like to talk to people and make them happy. SO WHY AM I ALONE??? I wouldn't have had to try hard to be somewhere other than here, and surrounded by people. Too stubborn, too silly, too stupid.
Other pressing issues that I'm trying not to deal with and I'm not even sure I want to type... I think there is something wrong with one of my breasts. I had it looked at, but the doctor wasn't concerned. Am I being paranoid? I confess, I do get a little carried away by occasionally creating the worst possible scenarios in my head. I don't know. I'm still worried.
Talking to Josh the other day. He was telling me how he'd had such good luck all year. As I thought about it I realized I've had the rottenest luck I've encountered in a long time. I didn't get to do any acting, I didn't make as many friends or as close of friends as I'd desperately hoped for, I was NOT looking for a serious relationship but got one anyway, the aforementioned relationship went from amazingly good to the most hurtful I've ever encountered and is now stuck in the middle, I had more health problems than I have ever had... sigh. And judging by the start of this year, it's not going to be much better.
Wow, that was so pessimistic. I NEED this year to be a good one for me, a productive one, a happy one. But I don't know how to get it started. One step at a time, only I don't know where I'm going.