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[messojess]

I hate this feelling I get sometimes. It is kind of hard to explain but I do know that I don't like it one bit! I hate that I used to be such a happy person all of the time and now I am not happy as much. I am still happy most of the time but I get in these really depressed moods sometimes which are normally spurred on by something small. I have a conflicted feeling inside me. One side of me just wants to get up and leave, move to another city or state or even country and just start over. Another side of me wants to stay with the people who I love and never leave. I know that may seem boring to some of you but I think that I would miss some people way too much. I never thought I would be this person. the person I am now...I have changed so much and I am not saying that it is all bad but I just didnt invision myself this way when I looked to the future. I want to change even more. Maybe even do a 180 (i dont know if that is right..haha) what I am trying to get across is that I dont really like the person I am right now. I like some parts of myself that have changed, for instance being maybe a little stronger. but I dont like that I get depressed, or that I drink too much (already stopping that), or that I am super sensitive to every little thing. arghh. I just want to go back to the old Jessie, you know the days when I was always smiling. I thought a few times recently that maybe that was all fake. The truth is though that I dont think it was fake. I didnt really have much to be upset about. I have noticed that sometimes I have problems showing my emotions but I still know I was happy back then. I dont want to hide my emotions so that I appear to be happy all of the time. I want to Actually be happy. oui. I think this is probably the deepest I have ever gotten in here and I am sort of scared to post it.

All I can say is that I am really looking forward to going home for thanksgiving...getting away and being able to spend quality time with family and close friends will really make me feel better at this point...at least I hope so.

Now I am not putting this in here so that you all have pity on me or anything...I just needed to get it out. and i am not by any means saying that my life is horrible because by no means is it. whatever I guess I just like to put disclaimers on things...thats just how I roll.

I love you all and thanks for letting me vent