I am jack's raging bile duct
"Imagine," Tyler said, "stalking elk past department store windows and stinking racks of beautiful rotting dresses and tuxedos on hangers; you'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life, and you'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. Jack and the beanstalk, you'll climb up through the dripping forest canopy and the air will be so clean you'll see tiny figures pounding corn and laying strips of venison to dry in the empty car pool lane of an abandoned superhighway stretching eight-lanes-wide and August-hot for a thousand miles." ~Chapter 16
I've met God across his long walnut desk with his diplomas hanging on the wall behind him, and God asks me, "Why?" Why did I cause so much pain? Didn't I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness? Can't I see how we're all manifestations of love? I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God's got this all wrong. We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. And God says, "No, that's not right." Yeah. Well. Whatever. You can't teach God anything. ~Chapter 30
This...is how I feel. I feel like everything I was taught is a lie. I feel like it doesn’t matter what I do or what I believe either way I’m going to die. I feel like everything my parents told me amounts to shit. I feel like I could do anything and it wouldn’t matter.
I want to blow smoke in the face of every pastor who told me I needed to be better...that I needed to work harder at being a “better Christian” whatever that means. I want to break the toes of every “Christian” that came up to me to tell me I wasn’t good enough. I want to gouge out the eyes of every person who ever looked at me with condescension with judgment with undue sympathy or pity.
I want to burn down every church that made me believe in t here cause only to lead me into further self loathing. I feel like I may be better suited becoming a Buddhist...because all I have ever been doing is trying to be a better person and Christianity isn’t exactly the BEST religion to do that...I am supposed to be getting a relationship because it isn’t about good works but about love right? Well I can’t seem to grasp that.
I feel like doing everything anyone told me was wrong and punch every ass whole in the face who says with a condescending grin “that’s not very Christian of you”.
I want to walk into a bar, breathe the smoke...feel the alcohol soaked air, curl up and die...because if everything I believe in is a lie then what is there worth living for...
I feel like going to every party anyone told me would make me unhappy...do all the things people said would kill me...and hang out with those people at those parties....because they look like they have it way more figured out than we do. I mourn my God and flog myself at every mis doing...they have fun and roll with the punches. I over interpret everything, they take things the way they are. Cross Current once told me that those people are broken and need saving...they are no more broken than any one of us. Like we have all the freaking answers. I want to give up this faith that I have held on to for so long because I feel like it has failed me or I have failed it.
But there is a problem...I can’t and I don’t really know why I cant I just can’t. There must be a God because he just wont let me go and die.
But for some reason that is not enough for me to buy this whole unconditional love angle. What is wrong with me? All the other good Christian boys and girls can live this life why can’t I?
I guess I am not a good Christian boy...I guess I am a misfit...
I guess I am the black sheep of the Christian family...and I hear that I am not the minority. Christian...what the hell does that mean?
Nothing...not anymore.
I want to be a disciple but that doesn’t look like it is happening at the moment...but what I would settle for is peace...peace to know that this is the right way to travel...peace that God is there...and peace that I will not live in vain.
Why am I this way???
One last quote...
"Recycling and speed limits are bullshit," Tyler said. "They're like someone who quits smoking on his deathbed." ~Chapter 16
That’s how I feel...that all this work is worthless....because I am basing it on a religion and I have no relationship with God.
Why is it this way And why am I whining so much.
Those quotes were from fight club the book by the way.
Much love
Hoskins
I've met God across his long walnut desk with his diplomas hanging on the wall behind him, and God asks me, "Why?" Why did I cause so much pain? Didn't I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness? Can't I see how we're all manifestations of love? I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God's got this all wrong. We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. And God says, "No, that's not right." Yeah. Well. Whatever. You can't teach God anything. ~Chapter 30
This...is how I feel. I feel like everything I was taught is a lie. I feel like it doesn’t matter what I do or what I believe either way I’m going to die. I feel like everything my parents told me amounts to shit. I feel like I could do anything and it wouldn’t matter.
I want to blow smoke in the face of every pastor who told me I needed to be better...that I needed to work harder at being a “better Christian” whatever that means. I want to break the toes of every “Christian” that came up to me to tell me I wasn’t good enough. I want to gouge out the eyes of every person who ever looked at me with condescension with judgment with undue sympathy or pity.
I want to burn down every church that made me believe in t here cause only to lead me into further self loathing. I feel like I may be better suited becoming a Buddhist...because all I have ever been doing is trying to be a better person and Christianity isn’t exactly the BEST religion to do that...I am supposed to be getting a relationship because it isn’t about good works but about love right? Well I can’t seem to grasp that.
I feel like doing everything anyone told me was wrong and punch every ass whole in the face who says with a condescending grin “that’s not very Christian of you”.
I want to walk into a bar, breathe the smoke...feel the alcohol soaked air, curl up and die...because if everything I believe in is a lie then what is there worth living for...
I feel like going to every party anyone told me would make me unhappy...do all the things people said would kill me...and hang out with those people at those parties....because they look like they have it way more figured out than we do. I mourn my God and flog myself at every mis doing...they have fun and roll with the punches. I over interpret everything, they take things the way they are. Cross Current once told me that those people are broken and need saving...they are no more broken than any one of us. Like we have all the freaking answers. I want to give up this faith that I have held on to for so long because I feel like it has failed me or I have failed it.
But there is a problem...I can’t and I don’t really know why I cant I just can’t. There must be a God because he just wont let me go and die.
But for some reason that is not enough for me to buy this whole unconditional love angle. What is wrong with me? All the other good Christian boys and girls can live this life why can’t I?
I guess I am not a good Christian boy...I guess I am a misfit...
I guess I am the black sheep of the Christian family...and I hear that I am not the minority. Christian...what the hell does that mean?
Nothing...not anymore.
I want to be a disciple but that doesn’t look like it is happening at the moment...but what I would settle for is peace...peace to know that this is the right way to travel...peace that God is there...and peace that I will not live in vain.
Why am I this way???
One last quote...
"Recycling and speed limits are bullshit," Tyler said. "They're like someone who quits smoking on his deathbed." ~Chapter 16
That’s how I feel...that all this work is worthless....because I am basing it on a religion and I have no relationship with God.
Why is it this way And why am I whining so much.
Those quotes were from fight club the book by the way.
Much love
Hoskins