(no subject)
I hate the idea of being alone. I suppose this entry is going to be about me venting. But i really was very alone physically today. I was just bymyself. I had finished the Fourth Harry Potter book again, and i wen ton to pick up where i left off the other night on Perks of Being a WallFlower, and for the last few hours, i've been crying while i've been reading. And it brought me back to last year, and freshmen year, and either grade, and seventh grade...Esspecially seventh and sixth grade where it all started. And I dont know, I think about the things he thinks about, and i draw my conclusions and i feel sad. But i dont have the power to feel like him. I feel hurt, and dejected, and alone, and utterlly sad. And no one is here to talk to me about it. They're off doing their own things. Their off pursuing what they need to. And here I am feeling completly incapable. I'm really starting to feel terrible about myself.
The other day, i heard my cousin play guitar, and my other cousin sing. And i feel so left behind. I dont feel good enough. I mean, I never really have since i have to compete with Pat and Ryan, but this time. I really felt low. I didnt feel adaqute at all. And there isnt anyone where to convince me.
I dont feel like i'm going anywhere with the type of lives we have to live when we're older. We work, we sleep, we go back to work. And we do this untill we die. And i dont know if i'll be ok doign that. Or even be there to do it. I was about to put "I want someone to say they love me." but i just dont want anyone to say they love me. I want her to say she loves me. I think i'd feel better then. I think i'd feel like i'm REALLY loved again. But i know she wont.
I used to worry if people would be my friend during school, but this year is strange because i'm just hoping that people would just leave me alone all year. I dont really have an intrest to make friends. I honostly dont want anymore friends, because these friends are to important to me now. I think I should definitly try and do more things with the, but work and school is going to render that difficult. But I should. I'll ask them wednesday. I hope they will. I'm feeling very alone right now.
I'm worried that i wont get into ISU. Because i dont really want to apply anywhere else.
My mom said somthing intresting to me today. "Its like your out on your own now." Because I dont really rely on my parents anymore. Strange gettign a job, and they start fretting over me. That they never see me. I'm very lucky because my life is 80% freedom. But i suppose i yearn for that other 20%. So i'm excited to get it when i'm dorming, and seeing very little of my family.
It also makes me realize that the seperation from her would most likely kill me.
I'm so sad and i dont mean to be.
The other day, i heard my cousin play guitar, and my other cousin sing. And i feel so left behind. I dont feel good enough. I mean, I never really have since i have to compete with Pat and Ryan, but this time. I really felt low. I didnt feel adaqute at all. And there isnt anyone where to convince me.
I dont feel like i'm going anywhere with the type of lives we have to live when we're older. We work, we sleep, we go back to work. And we do this untill we die. And i dont know if i'll be ok doign that. Or even be there to do it. I was about to put "I want someone to say they love me." but i just dont want anyone to say they love me. I want her to say she loves me. I think i'd feel better then. I think i'd feel like i'm REALLY loved again. But i know she wont.
I used to worry if people would be my friend during school, but this year is strange because i'm just hoping that people would just leave me alone all year. I dont really have an intrest to make friends. I honostly dont want anymore friends, because these friends are to important to me now. I think I should definitly try and do more things with the, but work and school is going to render that difficult. But I should. I'll ask them wednesday. I hope they will. I'm feeling very alone right now.
I'm worried that i wont get into ISU. Because i dont really want to apply anywhere else.
My mom said somthing intresting to me today. "Its like your out on your own now." Because I dont really rely on my parents anymore. Strange gettign a job, and they start fretting over me. That they never see me. I'm very lucky because my life is 80% freedom. But i suppose i yearn for that other 20%. So i'm excited to get it when i'm dorming, and seeing very little of my family.
It also makes me realize that the seperation from her would most likely kill me.
I'm so sad and i dont mean to be.