wow...i suck ass
so i havent posted on this thing in almost a year. I go in spurts of vanity I think. I like to look at my own words.
updates:
i did go to cali to visit my grammy but it wasnt for her surgery it was to go to my cousin daniel's wedding. I saw bryan which was fabulous and also horrible for reasons I wont get into here.
I broke up with amber briefly in a desperate (and misguided) attempt to regain my independence. We are back together happily now and I have reached other conclusions.
we are supposed to move back to cali in july after nearly 2 years in Oregon.
I feel I have gained nothing and gone nowhere since we have lived here. I have made no meaningful friends, which could be from my suckiness or just fear of being butt raped by another beast in "best friends" guise. I have a job that I like but its no better than any of the other lame jobs I have worked since I was 15. I have not taken any classes since I have been here, and even Palomar college has been sendning me letter saying I need to get my life on track.
I feel i must do something drastic to change. I hope that by moving back to cali to live alone will be the kick in the ass that I need, but maybe I am supposed to stay here and go it alone for once in my life. No family, no friends, nothing. Maybe I will have a spiritual awakening or something. Or perhaps I will just die of boredom. Who knows.
Although I have had many friendships go awry in my life, I have realized that I dont know that I have had true friendship since the days of brandon and the boys from the 'neighborhood'. Dj and Lauren and horribly unpronounced love triangles. And of course, the Origionals. How sad it is that all I have ever known of friendship is sadness, fear, and rejection. I am lame.
I do however now recognize people for what they are, good or bad sooner now and more accurately because of the things that have happened in my life. I have so much repect for the people I see who have such a sense of self. People who can stand on their own 2 feet, overcome obstacles and move forward with their lives with a grace and dignity that I couldnt pull off on my best days.
(I am talking about you Megan).
Oh well. After reading daniel's post I was inspired to write but now find this very 'somber' :)
LOVE YOU ALL
updates:
i did go to cali to visit my grammy but it wasnt for her surgery it was to go to my cousin daniel's wedding. I saw bryan which was fabulous and also horrible for reasons I wont get into here.
I broke up with amber briefly in a desperate (and misguided) attempt to regain my independence. We are back together happily now and I have reached other conclusions.
we are supposed to move back to cali in july after nearly 2 years in Oregon.
I feel I have gained nothing and gone nowhere since we have lived here. I have made no meaningful friends, which could be from my suckiness or just fear of being butt raped by another beast in "best friends" guise. I have a job that I like but its no better than any of the other lame jobs I have worked since I was 15. I have not taken any classes since I have been here, and even Palomar college has been sendning me letter saying I need to get my life on track.
I feel i must do something drastic to change. I hope that by moving back to cali to live alone will be the kick in the ass that I need, but maybe I am supposed to stay here and go it alone for once in my life. No family, no friends, nothing. Maybe I will have a spiritual awakening or something. Or perhaps I will just die of boredom. Who knows.
Although I have had many friendships go awry in my life, I have realized that I dont know that I have had true friendship since the days of brandon and the boys from the 'neighborhood'. Dj and Lauren and horribly unpronounced love triangles. And of course, the Origionals. How sad it is that all I have ever known of friendship is sadness, fear, and rejection. I am lame.
I do however now recognize people for what they are, good or bad sooner now and more accurately because of the things that have happened in my life. I have so much repect for the people I see who have such a sense of self. People who can stand on their own 2 feet, overcome obstacles and move forward with their lives with a grace and dignity that I couldnt pull off on my best days.
(I am talking about you Megan).
Oh well. After reading daniel's post I was inspired to write but now find this very 'somber' :)
LOVE YOU ALL