fun with electrodes
Well on Monday I had my polygraph test. It was not fun. The polygraph guy was really nice and he did try to make me feel less nervous. I kept having an emotional response to a question that mentioned rape. It was " Have you ever committed a serious crime such as: murder, rape, arson, etc etc." For those that don't know, I was raped when I was 10. A lot of the time I never think of it anymore, but on rare occasions..like this one.. it will be a hair trigger. It makes me soo mad that after almost 14 years, his actions still have an affect on me. I wish I could just purge it from me, and I thought I had accepted that I can't do that. So in the interest of getting this job, I explained the reason I was reacting and he did ask the question again without listing the possible serious crimes. Just the anger I felt at still feeling this pain was overwhelming. It was a high stress situation as it was. As a victim of rape you hear clever mantras like... it wasn't your fault, the trials you went through helped make you the person you are today, it's nothing to be ashamed of. You know what? Those things may be true...but when you're 24 and you're trying to get a job and support your family and something that happened to you as a kid can still jump up and slap you in the face... the character building aspect of having been raped kind of pales in comparison. At the very least, I passed the test. I still have to go for my interview and have my physical/drug screen. I'm almost there, I just have to be one of the two-three they actually pick. I'm worried a little because I did answer truthfully about any drug use and it's been less than a year, but more than 6 months. I'm hoping they won't count that too harshly against me and that they'll look at the fact that I was honest. I know it seems like such a hassle, but I understand that when you get a job with the police department, you're going to be scrutinized. If I don't get this damned job after all this mess, I will be mad. *le sigh* On the bright side, though, the place I temped for loved me and wanted me to come onboard when they have the funds to hire me full time. So I do have something to fall back on. They even took me out to thai food for lunch and gave me a gift basket from bath and body works. Not to mention the office manager gave me a necklace she made for me herself. I'm not going to dwell. Something will work out.