heartache
I can't sleep. As it get closer to Christmas, think more and more about momma, ans how she would be having me sort though through christmas decorations so they could be put up mid november. i can't even look at the christmass stuff in the stores. and on the same hand, i can't get away from it. its in every damn store, like a constant slap in the face. Its been just over 9 months, im graduating next year. i wish she could be there for that. I've tried getting over this on my own, but im stuggling too much. I am going to have to look into some form of greif counselor. i just miss her so much. it feels like i just found out. Like someone ripped my chest open, and it will never be fixed. i Miss my mother so much. I used to be strong, and independant. Lately , since she died, ive been so emotional, touchy, somewhat clngly to my wife. I've been having the same dream at least 3 times a week. Im sitting on the bus, on my way home from wisconsin, my phone rings, unknown caller, but i answer it anyway. it's the sheriff in ohio, informing me that theyd jsut found my mother dead, on the floor of her apartment. if any of you have suggestions in open, because im failing so hard at handling this. I just wanna wake up, yanno, have ot all be some wierd sick game, i want that knock on the door to be her, or that next phone call. I miss her perfume, her hugs, her bitching at me about my sisters, i mis all of that. I could have seen her last chrstmas, but i told her i wasnt comming ebcause i didnt wanna hear her bitch about my sisters. I didnt knwo that was gonna be my last chance to see her. I hate myself soo much because of it. i cant even afford to fly out there to visit her memorial site. I came across a picture f her today, curled up with my niece on the couch, asleep. turns out it hurts to look at her picture. i dont knwo what to do from here, or how to handle it. anyway, enough of my rambling.