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Well folks, my paid account just lapsed, I'm back to ugly pages, and I have, for the past two or three weeks, been hanging out on Irreality and gaining muchly from it. I decided SixApart doesn't need my money and I'd rather chuck my five or ten dollars at Squink and Trisk than at a rapidly growing corporation, so that means anything important I post is going to be there and not here from now on.
This must be the fifth time I've announced this, but I really mean it this time. I won't close this journal, but instead, if I come here, it won't be to write my own stuff but to read and comment on YOURS.
Those of you - and you know who you are, who have been paying the most attention here - the ones coming to instantaneous mind being choronzon333, kittim, mollywog, episkopos, amberite, uzpurnis, faeriemuriel, freyasrage but there are others...Some of you have accounts there and I'm hoping I can persuade the rest of you to get one: you won't be sorry. It's far better than this. I'm surprised these two running it aren't rich, they have the best design and code, ditto ideas about what to do with it, than any other site I've laid eyes on in the whole 13 years I've been webhopping. No exaggeration. There's stuff there you just can't do anywhere else.
Though it's an occulture-oriented site, it's also not exclusively devoted to magicking. "Reality Hacking Syndicate" is a fairly good description, which is their byline. It might be kind of confusing at first, with all the weird "plugs" and such, but if you want something explained, just zap me a message thru the system or go to the HiVE IRC channel embedded into the site itself (if you use Firefox Chatzilla will open when you click the link for it, so you dun' have to mess with a separate IRC client) and look for me there. I use the name Mesila there although in the IRC channel since I have a lot of netsplits and get tired of constantly having to re-register the nick, I'll be usually seen as Mesila333.
The community there's pretty damn supportive. It's a big part of what's slowly pulling me up from this mind cancer of drowning in speculation over dead love.
Choronzon pulled up a buried memory last week that shocked me. A night in 1997, when the doubt was first expressed about me from my former partner. It was a very clear memory of being told "I'm not sure I find you attractive any more."
MEANING: THIS WHOLE MESS SHOULD HAVE ENDED IN 1997, NOT 2007. That statement made was an honest statement and I do not hold it against the one who uttered it. I am the one who should have known that for what it was and chose to break up the very next day. I could have kept my apartment, my sanity...and though it would have meant he'd have to have either gone home to his folks, or stayed with me as a roommate and not a partner, I feel much more now like the dementia of 2006-7 was inevitable, that I'd always known it was, that the undermind knew it and actively precipitated a lot of pain for him.
The undermind is a concept that is similar to "the subconscious" but for a few important differences: it lacks the Freudian associations, it is not just the zone of dreams and suchlike, nor is it a bank of inert info that active consciousness focuses the attention-lens cursor on and pulls up, activating it. The undermind is actively thinking and processing information ALL the time...and dreaming, when one is asleep...which is part of that processing. Like a computer, what's going on that you can see on the screen isn't all your machine's doing at any given moment. The actions of Undermind directly affect active consciousness without one constantly being aware that this is going on.
So if this data was buried, it was still making me do things, say things, think things.
I do not have any other experience of buried memories found again. This is the only time that this ever happened to me.
So what did it mean?
Some people don't know when to discard things they haven't got active use for anymore, and some people don't know when to not evade reality and take such a statement as seriously as one should have when hearing it. Which led to years and years of undermindedly knowing, as soon as someone else comes along, I'm going to end up dumped. No wonder I was always so neurotic and no wonder he never found me any fun to be with. BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID IT. It meant he should have been saying it MORE. And I should have been doing something about it, to make saying it more unnecessary.
Somehow after a couple of years went by maybe I just figured it for a bad dream...but it wasn't. It happened. It should have been acted on and wasn't.
I never used to believe in buried memories. Now, I'm not so sure if the concept can be written off, though goodness knows it's been attached to a lot of bullshit stories about Satanic ritual abuse that may or may not have been totally spurious. (Emerson did an early Choronzon piece about this called "Michelle Remembers". It's one of the best from the black-metal side of the project, especially that hammering percussion. Great stuff there.)
Anyway, this tilts everything to a 75 degree angle and slides a lot of things that made no sense into place, so much so that I feel kind of dizzy.
It makes no sense but I feel strangely relieved, although I also feel like a dipshit for not doing what I should have THEN. I could have saved myself from getting the goddam Simplex. Nice going, dumbfuck me.
I don't talk about this kind of thing at Irreality. It's just not the place for it. So come there and you can hang out with the better side of me. Stay here and all you'll get from me is mostly nothing, punctuated by an ocasional catch-up to report my whereabouts.
This must be the fifth time I've announced this, but I really mean it this time. I won't close this journal, but instead, if I come here, it won't be to write my own stuff but to read and comment on YOURS.
Those of you - and you know who you are, who have been paying the most attention here - the ones coming to instantaneous mind being choronzon333, kittim, mollywog, episkopos, amberite, uzpurnis, faeriemuriel, freyasrage but there are others...Some of you have accounts there and I'm hoping I can persuade the rest of you to get one: you won't be sorry. It's far better than this. I'm surprised these two running it aren't rich, they have the best design and code, ditto ideas about what to do with it, than any other site I've laid eyes on in the whole 13 years I've been webhopping. No exaggeration. There's stuff there you just can't do anywhere else.
Though it's an occulture-oriented site, it's also not exclusively devoted to magicking. "Reality Hacking Syndicate" is a fairly good description, which is their byline. It might be kind of confusing at first, with all the weird "plugs" and such, but if you want something explained, just zap me a message thru the system or go to the HiVE IRC channel embedded into the site itself (if you use Firefox Chatzilla will open when you click the link for it, so you dun' have to mess with a separate IRC client) and look for me there. I use the name Mesila there although in the IRC channel since I have a lot of netsplits and get tired of constantly having to re-register the nick, I'll be usually seen as Mesila333.
The community there's pretty damn supportive. It's a big part of what's slowly pulling me up from this mind cancer of drowning in speculation over dead love.
Choronzon pulled up a buried memory last week that shocked me. A night in 1997, when the doubt was first expressed about me from my former partner. It was a very clear memory of being told "I'm not sure I find you attractive any more."
MEANING: THIS WHOLE MESS SHOULD HAVE ENDED IN 1997, NOT 2007. That statement made was an honest statement and I do not hold it against the one who uttered it. I am the one who should have known that for what it was and chose to break up the very next day. I could have kept my apartment, my sanity...and though it would have meant he'd have to have either gone home to his folks, or stayed with me as a roommate and not a partner, I feel much more now like the dementia of 2006-7 was inevitable, that I'd always known it was, that the undermind knew it and actively precipitated a lot of pain for him.
The undermind is a concept that is similar to "the subconscious" but for a few important differences: it lacks the Freudian associations, it is not just the zone of dreams and suchlike, nor is it a bank of inert info that active consciousness focuses the attention-lens cursor on and pulls up, activating it. The undermind is actively thinking and processing information ALL the time...and dreaming, when one is asleep...which is part of that processing. Like a computer, what's going on that you can see on the screen isn't all your machine's doing at any given moment. The actions of Undermind directly affect active consciousness without one constantly being aware that this is going on.
So if this data was buried, it was still making me do things, say things, think things.
I do not have any other experience of buried memories found again. This is the only time that this ever happened to me.
So what did it mean?
Some people don't know when to discard things they haven't got active use for anymore, and some people don't know when to not evade reality and take such a statement as seriously as one should have when hearing it. Which led to years and years of undermindedly knowing, as soon as someone else comes along, I'm going to end up dumped. No wonder I was always so neurotic and no wonder he never found me any fun to be with. BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID IT. It meant he should have been saying it MORE. And I should have been doing something about it, to make saying it more unnecessary.
Somehow after a couple of years went by maybe I just figured it for a bad dream...but it wasn't. It happened. It should have been acted on and wasn't.
I never used to believe in buried memories. Now, I'm not so sure if the concept can be written off, though goodness knows it's been attached to a lot of bullshit stories about Satanic ritual abuse that may or may not have been totally spurious. (Emerson did an early Choronzon piece about this called "Michelle Remembers". It's one of the best from the black-metal side of the project, especially that hammering percussion. Great stuff there.)
Anyway, this tilts everything to a 75 degree angle and slides a lot of things that made no sense into place, so much so that I feel kind of dizzy.
It makes no sense but I feel strangely relieved, although I also feel like a dipshit for not doing what I should have THEN. I could have saved myself from getting the goddam Simplex. Nice going, dumbfuck me.
I don't talk about this kind of thing at Irreality. It's just not the place for it. So come there and you can hang out with the better side of me. Stay here and all you'll get from me is mostly nothing, punctuated by an ocasional catch-up to report my whereabouts.