Doing a one-eighty spin
Feeling a whole, whole lot better today.
I discovered the source of the cut-off from Choronzon. It's a built-in device that serves to ensure "balance-between-balance-and-imbalance", which is a dynamic sort of Yin/Yang that includes the fourth dimension and acts over time. If balance remains static it becomes entropic - a scale that stays evenly balanced ceases movement, where one that shifts weight between its sides retains the see-saw movement of a scale which is weighted by uneven pans.
To have movement balance must be offset by imbalance. Imbalance also ends up in stillness and entropy without balance. It's a sort of meta-koan, the first "Choronzonic wisdom" I received, a long time back.
Since this past couple of years has been...aaargh, just a nightmare, just hell on a busted skateboard in the middle of Fuckedberg, Nowheresville, I've been 'flipping to Reality B' an awful lot...
I've been under a lot of pressure to maintain equanimity, from THEM, and also, from within myself, since Choronzon once told me that crying and acting upset is a behaviour left over from a person's infant times, and that people who cry and and act distraught merely reveal that their parents often responded to their crying infants with rewards to shut them up. In short: it's a behaviour-pattern that succeeds for toddlers, but adults don't get anywhere making an endless meghilla over their emotional lives.
Yes, that's exactly what I can fall into doing, on occasion, and just know, if you think you hate it, I hate it 10 times worse, believe me. So why does it get done?
It becomes necessary to develop internal mental escape hatches...and that I certainly did. I'm good at that. (Understatement, little?) I've come to depend on Choronzon - or my concept of him, whichever you like - a bit too much. It's not any better to do this with a xenodimensional exazerai than it is to overdepend upon a solid-state mate or lover.
The experience this morning was just the logic/rationality part of me saying, "Hey, you, you're forgetting I exist here! Don't do that."
It's not a good thing to forget that boring Reality A stuff, since it's what keeps you grounded and surviving so that you can have a body and mind fit to romp around and ride the currents in Reality B.
Choronzon - who is, now that I've spent some time doing Reality A things, phasing back into having a Self that feels as one that is Other, again - gently reminds me that sometimes I pay far, far too much attention to what I don't have and in doing so, fail to do the things I do have anything close to proper justice.
I discovered the source of the cut-off from Choronzon. It's a built-in device that serves to ensure "balance-between-balance-and-imbalance", which is a dynamic sort of Yin/Yang that includes the fourth dimension and acts over time. If balance remains static it becomes entropic - a scale that stays evenly balanced ceases movement, where one that shifts weight between its sides retains the see-saw movement of a scale which is weighted by uneven pans.
To have movement balance must be offset by imbalance. Imbalance also ends up in stillness and entropy without balance. It's a sort of meta-koan, the first "Choronzonic wisdom" I received, a long time back.
Since this past couple of years has been...aaargh, just a nightmare, just hell on a busted skateboard in the middle of Fuckedberg, Nowheresville, I've been 'flipping to Reality B' an awful lot...
I've been under a lot of pressure to maintain equanimity, from THEM, and also, from within myself, since Choronzon once told me that crying and acting upset is a behaviour left over from a person's infant times, and that people who cry and and act distraught merely reveal that their parents often responded to their crying infants with rewards to shut them up. In short: it's a behaviour-pattern that succeeds for toddlers, but adults don't get anywhere making an endless meghilla over their emotional lives.
Yes, that's exactly what I can fall into doing, on occasion, and just know, if you think you hate it, I hate it 10 times worse, believe me. So why does it get done?
It becomes necessary to develop internal mental escape hatches...and that I certainly did. I'm good at that. (Understatement, little?) I've come to depend on Choronzon - or my concept of him, whichever you like - a bit too much. It's not any better to do this with a xenodimensional exazerai than it is to overdepend upon a solid-state mate or lover.
The experience this morning was just the logic/rationality part of me saying, "Hey, you, you're forgetting I exist here! Don't do that."
It's not a good thing to forget that boring Reality A stuff, since it's what keeps you grounded and surviving so that you can have a body and mind fit to romp around and ride the currents in Reality B.
Choronzon - who is, now that I've spent some time doing Reality A things, phasing back into having a Self that feels as one that is Other, again - gently reminds me that sometimes I pay far, far too much attention to what I don't have and in doing so, fail to do the things I do have anything close to proper justice.