LOST
Did I say something just yesterday about being at peace with the world?
Yesterday I ask Deek what use or value I have to him at this point, and the only damn thing he comes up with is "If it wasn't for you, I might have ended up becoming a pill head".
Without a trace of irony or humour.
Oh, and I seem to possess some utility as a blanket when he's cold.
He honestly has not come up with any other answer to me, as to why he bothers to still call me his lover.
That conversation did not do much for my state of mind.
He did tell me he appreciates my purpose (meaning the work I do with Choronzon) and I had never quite known whether this was so or not.
It's what I'm holding on to right now, that one thing, in every possible way, because it is all that I have to hold on to.
Deek's new girl friend is thankfully neither an idiot or a mean or spiteful person so her presence here for the past two weeks has not been one continual nightmare. I was dreading it would be, and it really wasn't...there were times I felt like she was hiding from me, but she prepared me adequately for that and I understand social phobia better than anyone. I thought I'd be hiding from her more.
But since she's apparently not had much experience with abiding relationships to people who do not treat her like crap I suppose there's no experiential understanding of why I should feel so devastated about becoming "shelved". I am loved, it's just in the way of a favourite book or movie or video game that's already been read, watched and played ten times over and it's only natural that someone should want something new and when finding it, can think of nothing but devouring it. Though it would be nice if I stopped wanting HIM, too. I haven't.
Guess who loses?
Polyamory might actually work instead of just being a nice concept, if there was not something inherent about the body's structure which makes for a condition of dyadic intimacy. Or if the two girls like each other that way, and that's not on, here. So inevitably someone loses and it's going to be me, and it would somehow make it a whole lot easier for me if she just understood this.
She looks at it as merely sharing him, and I have been obliging about this, but that's not how it ends up in practice. He's not a pizza.
Love is totalitarian. There's only an echo of it left for me in her wake.
I can't fucking get over having a question of my value answered only with "You've been a great bad example." I wonder if he's trying to make me hate him so that it won't hurt so much, though if that was going on I doubt he actually knows it.
Yesterday I ask Deek what use or value I have to him at this point, and the only damn thing he comes up with is "If it wasn't for you, I might have ended up becoming a pill head".
Without a trace of irony or humour.
Oh, and I seem to possess some utility as a blanket when he's cold.
He honestly has not come up with any other answer to me, as to why he bothers to still call me his lover.
That conversation did not do much for my state of mind.
He did tell me he appreciates my purpose (meaning the work I do with Choronzon) and I had never quite known whether this was so or not.
It's what I'm holding on to right now, that one thing, in every possible way, because it is all that I have to hold on to.
Deek's new girl friend is thankfully neither an idiot or a mean or spiteful person so her presence here for the past two weeks has not been one continual nightmare. I was dreading it would be, and it really wasn't...there were times I felt like she was hiding from me, but she prepared me adequately for that and I understand social phobia better than anyone. I thought I'd be hiding from her more.
But since she's apparently not had much experience with abiding relationships to people who do not treat her like crap I suppose there's no experiential understanding of why I should feel so devastated about becoming "shelved". I am loved, it's just in the way of a favourite book or movie or video game that's already been read, watched and played ten times over and it's only natural that someone should want something new and when finding it, can think of nothing but devouring it. Though it would be nice if I stopped wanting HIM, too. I haven't.
Guess who loses?
Polyamory might actually work instead of just being a nice concept, if there was not something inherent about the body's structure which makes for a condition of dyadic intimacy. Or if the two girls like each other that way, and that's not on, here. So inevitably someone loses and it's going to be me, and it would somehow make it a whole lot easier for me if she just understood this.
She looks at it as merely sharing him, and I have been obliging about this, but that's not how it ends up in practice. He's not a pizza.
Love is totalitarian. There's only an echo of it left for me in her wake.
I can't fucking get over having a question of my value answered only with "You've been a great bad example." I wonder if he's trying to make me hate him so that it won't hurt so much, though if that was going on I doubt he actually knows it.