Shallow is my name....
So lately i've been thinking about my general want to make a difference in the world and i've decided that I should really stick to things I like to do. What that means is that I shouldn't make committments to organizations that I can't keep. I want to have a social life which I don't have much of now. Sitting in a room with other like minded folks debating why the world is going to hell in a handbasket isn't fun to me anymore.
To a small degree I guess that i've accepted that I won't be alive when the revolution happens so why should i dedicate my life to it? I don't plan to have any kids so who am I making the future better for? I just feel as though life is passing me by sometimes. I don't have time for friends or family. Just volunteering and working. Is this burn out? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm tired of trying to be something i'm not. So my question is am I an activist or just another chick trying to change the world for everyone but herself? I give and give and I don't get anything in return...or rather what I get in return isn't enough. I don't have time for all of the personal improvement that I need. I want to truly pick up french again and maybe add spanish to my study. I want to take the time and learn more about hiphop theory. I want to figure out what career I want. I freaking want to know why office assistants are paid shitting salaries but expected to keep the fucking company from falling on it's ass? Oh and here's a big one. I just want to have a fucking spa day! A pamper melinda, do nothing, eat a freaking fat laden chocolate chip cookie day! Does that make me shallow?
Does it mean that I care less about the world, if I would rather be at the bar hanging out with friends than at an anti-war rally? Maybe I just feel ineffective. I want real solutions. I want immediate changes. I'm tired of waiting for the powers that be to understand that exploitation of people and life is wrong. I get why sometimes people use violent force to change their world. Because we all get tired of waiting, of watching our lives go by while we try to be noticed and effect change. Sometimes my activism feels fake. The jadedness and cynicism creep in and remind me that without money and access that I can't make a difference that this is the world we live in and we should make due to the best of our ability. But i've never been a quitter. But I find that i stop things in the middle all the time...starting with grad school but i'm not going there for now. I'll just say that my quitting things started then.
So why am I shallow? Because my new goals in life are to have fun and find permanent employment to pay for that fun. Shallow? Probably. Do I care? Not anymore.
To a small degree I guess that i've accepted that I won't be alive when the revolution happens so why should i dedicate my life to it? I don't plan to have any kids so who am I making the future better for? I just feel as though life is passing me by sometimes. I don't have time for friends or family. Just volunteering and working. Is this burn out? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm tired of trying to be something i'm not. So my question is am I an activist or just another chick trying to change the world for everyone but herself? I give and give and I don't get anything in return...or rather what I get in return isn't enough. I don't have time for all of the personal improvement that I need. I want to truly pick up french again and maybe add spanish to my study. I want to take the time and learn more about hiphop theory. I want to figure out what career I want. I freaking want to know why office assistants are paid shitting salaries but expected to keep the fucking company from falling on it's ass? Oh and here's a big one. I just want to have a fucking spa day! A pamper melinda, do nothing, eat a freaking fat laden chocolate chip cookie day! Does that make me shallow?
Does it mean that I care less about the world, if I would rather be at the bar hanging out with friends than at an anti-war rally? Maybe I just feel ineffective. I want real solutions. I want immediate changes. I'm tired of waiting for the powers that be to understand that exploitation of people and life is wrong. I get why sometimes people use violent force to change their world. Because we all get tired of waiting, of watching our lives go by while we try to be noticed and effect change. Sometimes my activism feels fake. The jadedness and cynicism creep in and remind me that without money and access that I can't make a difference that this is the world we live in and we should make due to the best of our ability. But i've never been a quitter. But I find that i stop things in the middle all the time...starting with grad school but i'm not going there for now. I'll just say that my quitting things started then.
So why am I shallow? Because my new goals in life are to have fun and find permanent employment to pay for that fun. Shallow? Probably. Do I care? Not anymore.