depressed very

[meshinda]

I miss the good old days. You know those days. It was a time when you were too young to be informed about life's hardships yet old enough to have your own seemingly mature world. I'm talking about my college years. I guess in many ways I'm talking about life before my brother's death. Since I've been home I've learned way too many nasty

Comments

[potionmistress5]

*hugnkiss* I'm sorry darling. You do *need* to get away from there.

Can you walk away when people tell you these things? It makes them angry, I know, but you can always call one of us & complain about the bastards being mad at you for no good reason.

And you will leave the country in a month, and after that you will go to Portland, and your life will be beautiful!

[meshinda]

I think my problem is that I feel like a coward for running from the reality that is my family. I'm always running. Running = self-preservation. I'm conflicted because I want to be strong enough to deal with it all but I'm not sure that I can. I'm beginning to feel like I'm taking my brother's place. I never realized how much family stuff he had to deal with til now and I think that I becoming disappointed in the weaknesses of people who seemed so deceptively strong. I'm happy that i'm moving to portland but I feel like my moving is selfish. I don't know I'm feeling confused about family obligations and my own wants and needs. I never really let myself deal with this stuff and now I can't avoid it.

[meshinda]

plus I'm trying not to resort to the liquor bottle which I'm finding hard not to do. My parent is already deep in a bottle and we are trying to pretend that all is right for my little brother. It's so sad to be jealous of the oblivion of the young.

[zeefeminist]

do you feel like you will be abandoning your family?

might it be easier/better to be there for them from a distance?

a distance from which you can cultivate a stronger-you?

i feel for ya, babe... my bias leans toward making sure that you are in good mental shape. and happy. thus, i lean toward selfish.

= my 2 potentially-worhtless-cents