Seven Fears. (Written for Kaleidoscope)
Spiders
I guess I’m just a child when it comes to spiders. It started when I was little, and whenever I saw a spider, I would see a million of them crawling all over me. It got worse as I got older - now, I don’t just feel them on my skin, I feel them under my skin, leaving eggs in my blood, crawling and existing.
Semi-trucks
My sister died when I was eight years old. She was hit by a drunken semi-driver, though it wasn’t all his fault; she was passing in a no passing zone. But since I started driving, I freak out when I see them on the road with me. When they come up behind me, I pull over and let them pass. When they’re in front of me, I go ten miles below the speed limit. When they pass me on the other side of the road, my knuckles get white on the wheel. It’s not a fear I’ll be able to surpass.
Dark hallways
When I was around four years old, I stayed in a house in Kissimmee that was a two-story house with my brother. The halls were long and the rooms were small, and everything was always black. One day, my brother called my name, saying he wanted to play a game. I came running - I loved playing with my big brother! But the hallway from my room to his was dark, as always, and I couldn’t reach the light. So when I reached the end of the hallway, around five minutes later, my brother jumped out and yelled - AAAAHHHH - but he was wearing one of his many masks. I ran in the other direction, crying, and he fell down to the floor, laughing. To this day, I always think there’s something waiting for me at the end of the hallway, and I usually walk quickly out of hallways, or run, if there’s no one with me.
Getting in a car accident
This is sort of related to the semi-trucks. I just have this aching feeling in my stomach whenever I’m driving sometimes, because I feel it coming - the crash that never happens. I’ve heard stories from my brother over and over again about how accidents feel and how they come out of nowhere and scar you for years afterwards. Sometimes, I can almost see it happening: the car flipping, the sound of my bones crushing, the awful feeling of everything slowly falling away from me… it’s not that bad when you think of it outside a car, but driving home tonight, you’ll be thinking about it.
Falling in Love
If you’ve never been in love, you know what it’s like to be scared of it. You get jealous of the people around you who are dating, but then you think about yourself being in that situation and it’s the most ridiculous thought you’ve ever thought. Thinking about being in love, about being so completely vulnerable to a feeling so strong that will keep you up at night and scare you and excite you and make you cry and laugh and double over in pain and leap for joy all at the same time… it sounds absolutely terrifying.
Failure
I have tried my whole life to make my mom proud of me. I want her to always look at me and see the accomplishes I’ve made, to see the daughter she can smile at and never be ashamed to call her own. But with every passing year, the task gets a little harder; the classes get more advanced, the teachers get tougher and the work-load gets heavier, so naturally, the pressure of being the best I can possibly be gets way more intense than the previous year. I try - and I’ll continue to try - to do everything I can to make her proud of me, even more so than she already is, but I’m just so scared that it won’t happen.
Fear
“The only thing to fear is fear itself.” At many different points in my life, I thought this saying was ridiculous and untrue. But I find myself believing it; it’s probably the most honest statement I’ve ever heard. Fear is in your mind, and if you don’t think about it - if you distract yourself from the idea of the fear you have, you won’t be afraid. I’ve realized this many times in my life, with all of the fears I’ve said.
I guess I’m just a child when it comes to spiders. It started when I was little, and whenever I saw a spider, I would see a million of them crawling all over me. It got worse as I got older - now, I don’t just feel them on my skin, I feel them under my skin, leaving eggs in my blood, crawling and existing.
Semi-trucks
My sister died when I was eight years old. She was hit by a drunken semi-driver, though it wasn’t all his fault; she was passing in a no passing zone. But since I started driving, I freak out when I see them on the road with me. When they come up behind me, I pull over and let them pass. When they’re in front of me, I go ten miles below the speed limit. When they pass me on the other side of the road, my knuckles get white on the wheel. It’s not a fear I’ll be able to surpass.
Dark hallways
When I was around four years old, I stayed in a house in Kissimmee that was a two-story house with my brother. The halls were long and the rooms were small, and everything was always black. One day, my brother called my name, saying he wanted to play a game. I came running - I loved playing with my big brother! But the hallway from my room to his was dark, as always, and I couldn’t reach the light. So when I reached the end of the hallway, around five minutes later, my brother jumped out and yelled - AAAAHHHH - but he was wearing one of his many masks. I ran in the other direction, crying, and he fell down to the floor, laughing. To this day, I always think there’s something waiting for me at the end of the hallway, and I usually walk quickly out of hallways, or run, if there’s no one with me.
Getting in a car accident
This is sort of related to the semi-trucks. I just have this aching feeling in my stomach whenever I’m driving sometimes, because I feel it coming - the crash that never happens. I’ve heard stories from my brother over and over again about how accidents feel and how they come out of nowhere and scar you for years afterwards. Sometimes, I can almost see it happening: the car flipping, the sound of my bones crushing, the awful feeling of everything slowly falling away from me… it’s not that bad when you think of it outside a car, but driving home tonight, you’ll be thinking about it.
Falling in Love
If you’ve never been in love, you know what it’s like to be scared of it. You get jealous of the people around you who are dating, but then you think about yourself being in that situation and it’s the most ridiculous thought you’ve ever thought. Thinking about being in love, about being so completely vulnerable to a feeling so strong that will keep you up at night and scare you and excite you and make you cry and laugh and double over in pain and leap for joy all at the same time… it sounds absolutely terrifying.
Failure
I have tried my whole life to make my mom proud of me. I want her to always look at me and see the accomplishes I’ve made, to see the daughter she can smile at and never be ashamed to call her own. But with every passing year, the task gets a little harder; the classes get more advanced, the teachers get tougher and the work-load gets heavier, so naturally, the pressure of being the best I can possibly be gets way more intense than the previous year. I try - and I’ll continue to try - to do everything I can to make her proud of me, even more so than she already is, but I’m just so scared that it won’t happen.
Fear
“The only thing to fear is fear itself.” At many different points in my life, I thought this saying was ridiculous and untrue. But I find myself believing it; it’s probably the most honest statement I’ve ever heard. Fear is in your mind, and if you don’t think about it - if you distract yourself from the idea of the fear you have, you won’t be afraid. I’ve realized this many times in my life, with all of the fears I’ve said.